568: 5 Dos & Don'ts of Mindful Parenting
Hunter Clarke-Fields
Mindful parenting is about presence, not perfection.
In this episode, Hunter Clarke-Fields shares practical do’s and don’ts for staying calm through big emotions, setting respectful boundaries, and caring for yourself while fostering your child’s independence.
Ep 568- Hunter
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Hunter Clarke-Fields (00:00)
You're listening to the Mindful Mama Podcast, episode #568. Today, we are talking about the five do's and don'ts of mindful parenting with me, Hunter Clarke-Fields.
Welcome to the Mindful Mama Podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Mama, we know that you cannot give what you do not have. And when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarke-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting Course and Teacher Training. I'm the author of the international bestseller, “Raising Good Humans”, “Raising Good Humans Every Day”, and the “Raising Good Humans Guided Journal”.
Welcome back. Hello and welcome to the Mindful Mama podcast. I'm so glad you're here and this is a solo episode where I'm sharing some essential do's and don'ts for mindful parenting and it's important just to remember that it isn't about being perfect. It's about presence. I'm going to share practical do's and don'ts that help you stay calm through big feelings, accept your child's emotions, set boundaries and care for yourself along the way. So let's dive in to this important episode:
Hi, Hunter here and welcome to the five do's and don'ts of mindful parenting. And listen, I know parenting is such humbling work no matter how many books we read, no matter how much we prepare, no matter how deeply we love our children, they have a way of pressing every button that we didn't even know we had. So before we dive into these do's and don'ts, I just have to say that mindful parenting isn't about doing it all right or raising perfectly calm children. It's about showing up with awareness and compassion for ourselves and for our kids, for both of us, right? So we can make more intentional choices even in the heat of the moment. So here are five of the biggest pitfalls I see parents struggling with along with alternatives and examples you can try at home:
So number one is a don't, don't yell or lose your cool too much and do your best to model emotional regulation. Now listen, every parent has that moment. Your child is ignoring your requests for the fifth time. The toys are strewn everywhere. Bedtime is looming, you've had a tough day and before you know it, your voice is raised and you're shouting, why don't you ever listen to me? I've definitely, definitely been there. Yelling can feel like the only way to get through a situation like that. But in reality, it actually shuts kids down or it teaches them to tune you out. Over time, yelling really erodes that sense of safety and connection that kids need in order to really learn and listen. And it actually kind of teaches kids to yell, right? We're modeling. This is how you get your way. So we're not gonna be able to stop every bit of our yelling and that's okay. It's actually important that you are a flawed, imperfect human and model that to some degree with your kid. We want our kids to feel safe and regulated for the most part with us.
So. what do we do instead? We do want to do our best as much as we can to model emotional regulation. And this is so helpful because children don't magically learn to manage their big feelings, right? They learn by watching us. We can't stick them in a timeout and they're just going to learn how to deal with it. That actually doesn't work. And then when we lose it all the time, when we're yelling, when we're shouting, they absorb that message that yelling is how people handle stress. But when we can amazingly through the miracle of practice, pause, take that deep breath and speak firmly without shouting, they learn something much more powerful, right? That feelings can be managed. So how do we do this? And I've done a whole podcast episode on how to stop yelling. I encourage you to seek that out. And it's through a combination of overall practice to take your overall stress levels down, reducing your overall stress, whether that means like exercise, time with family and friends, getting enough sleep, reducing your overall stress is actually kind of one of the number one, is the number one thing that you can do to reduce your yelling. Cause then you're just kind of taking that base level down a notch. And that's wonderful, you know?
If we want regulated kids, we should try to start with regulated parents. And then when we get to some of those situations, we can help to manage those situations by speaking our feelings out loud. I'm starting to feel very frustrated recognizing those feelings, maybe removing ourselves, and then maybe using some resources like some slower exhales to calm that nervous system stress response some mantras like, “This is not an emergency” by shaking out our hands and shaking out our stress by taking a break, right? Or by practicing that pause in some of the easy moments. So again, for more on this, go to the episode where I talk, it's called How to Stop Yelling. So go to this. And then when you get to a moment where your toddler throws the spoon across the room instead of exploding with what is wrong with you. You might be able to take a deep breath, crouch down and say, I see you're really frustrated. It's okay to be mad, but spoons are not for throwing, right? And this simple, but not easy at all. This is a lot of work that can go into this act of slowing down really shows your child that you can feel anger without letting it control your behavior and invites them to practice doing the same. So don't yell or lose your cool too much. You have permission to be human and do model emotional regulation. Number two, don't punish your kids for their negative emotions. So when a child screams like, hate you, or they slam the door, or they're just really upset, mad at you. It's really tempting to react with punishment, to send them to their room or demand that they stop being so disrespectful, right? Stop being disrespectful. And many of us were raised like that. And we were raised with the message that negative emotions are bad. So our instinct is to shut them down or hide them away, right? But here's the truth. Big emotions are a normal, healthy part of being human.
Punishing kids for expressing them doesn't make these emotions disappear. It just teaches them to hide them. So what do we do instead of punishing our kids for having negative emotions? What do we just sit there and take it, Hunter? Well, we are going to practice, do practice accepting the feelings and not taking them so personally. Accepting the feelings doesn't mean you let behavior slide, right? It doesn't mean that we let our kids hit us or something like that. It means recognizing the difference between the feeling, right? Whatever they're feeling is always valid. We can feel all the feelings and then the behavior on the other hand, which may need limits, right? So feelings are always valid. Behavior may need limits. And when we show our kids that their feelings are allowed, they grow up less ashamed of their inner world and more resilient in handling stress. So, you know, if your eight-year-old comes home from school and screams, hate homework, you know, instead of lecturing or punishing, you could say like, yeah, I get it. Sometimes homework feels really bad and frustrating, right? Let's take maybe a little break and then I can help you. By naming the feeling, “It's it's hard, right?” you can help your child feel seen and heard. And once the emotional storm passes, that takes the temperature down, right? When you're really listening and seeing what they're feeling and recognizing that, then that takes the temperature down, the emotional storm passes, and they might have a little more capacity to do the work. So feel all the feelings are allowed. And that includes for you too, right? Sometimes we feel so guilty and terrible for having feelings of anger or aggression or resentment or all those different feelings. But you know what? You are human. You're allowed to feel all the feelings. Parenting is so hard and it brings up so much. You're gonna feel those feelings because you're human and we all do. So you wanna practice accepting those feelings in yourself so that you can accept them in your kids if you're repressing, if you're guilting and shaming yourself for having those feelings, you're not going to be able to accept them in your kids. So practice accepting them for yourself and for your kid. And also practice for your kid not taking them personally. I remember one of my kids said, “I hate you!” to me. I remember being like, there it is, right? Like, it happened. It happens to us parents. And I didn't take it personally at that time. I feel grateful because, no, it was just this anger coming out like she was so angry she was frustrated it was okay for her to have that feeling. I didn't take it personally so accept the feelings don't take them personally and don't punish your kids for negative emotions.
Stay tuned for more Mindful Moments podcast right after this break.
Number three, don't use shaming, disconnection or corporal punishment. And instead we do set clear boundaries with respect. Okay, so this is tempting because this is the way we were raised. Sometimes this is very much still in the culture that we use shame or punishment as a shortcut to get compliance for a behavior. So maybe you've said something like, big boys don't cry or you're being such a brat or go to your room till you behave, perhaps you grew up with corporal punishment and you've been tempted to swat or spank them when you're pushed to the edge. And while these tactics may quote unquote work in the short term, they actually really damage trust and self-worth over time. And specifically corporal punishment, there is decades of spanking research, including a 2016 meta-analysis over 160,000 children. And this research shows that spanking is associated with increased aggression, antisocial behavior, mental health issues, and cognitive difficulties. Spanking is not linked to better behavior in the long term, nor does it promote morality and it does not promote compliance. Instead, it teaches that violence is an acceptable solution to problems, right? We don't want that to be their takeaway and it can lead to negative outcomes like worse parent-child relationships. And in adults, a real high risk of becoming aggressive themselves, perpetuating the cycle of violence. don't use corporal punishment. Don't use shaming language like you're being a brat, what's wrong with you? Or, you know, don't be a baby, stop crying, stuff like that, right? Instead, we do want to set boundaries. This is so important to set boundaries.
Don't be so afraid of setting boundaries and afraid of these other things that you don't set boundaries. We do want to set clear boundaries with respect, right? So boundaries are not the same as punishment. Boundaries give children structure, consistency, and safety while still treating them with dignity. So when you set limits with kindness, kids learn, you know, what behavior isn't okay, but they also learn why and what to do instead. For example, say you have siblings, your five-year-old hits their sibling. Instead of shaming, you know, you're so mean or punishing, like go to your room without your toys. You might step in and say calmly, I won't let you hit. Hitting hurts, right? If you're mad, you can stomp your feet or tell your brother you're angry. Let's practice that now, right? So we explain why and what to do instead. You're setting a fear, firm boundary, and you're offering an alternative, right? That's discipline in this truest sense of the word, it's teaching. So, and let's imagine some other thing. Imagine you have an 11 year old who resists turning off their tablet when screen time is over instead of snapping with some shaming words like, you're so addicted to that thing, hand it over right now, right? You could say, hey, I know it's hard to stop when you're in the middle of something fun, but screen time is done for tonight.
If you want more time tomorrow, you'll need to turn it off now without arguing, right? So you're holding a boundary and you may have a consequence, right? If they can't use this object, which happens to be very addictive, et cetera, responsibly, then it's our job to hold some boundaries around the object, right? If you want more time tomorrow, you'll need to turn in now without arguing. So you're setting a clear limit. The boundary is non-negotiable, but you're doing it in a way that's empathetic for their frustration and giving them some choice and some agency. And it's respectful. So don't use shaming, disconnection or corporal punishment. Do set clear boundaries without punishing. Set clear boundaries with respect. Number four, don't lose touch with your friends or sacrifice your needs for your child. Instead, do have a life outside of parenting and take care of your own needs, right? Many parents- especially mothers- fall into the trap of martyrdom. We cancel plans, we skip workouts, we ignore our own needs, telling ourselves it's for the kids. But when we chronically put ourselves last, we end up resentful, depleted, and far less patient with the very children we're sacrificing for. So it doesn't make a lot of sense, right? So do instead have a life outside of parenting and take care of your own needs. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. To show up with presence, to show up with compassion, you need to feel resourced yourself. And this means carving out time for your friendships, hobbies, movement, rest, and joy, right? Self-care is not an indulgence. It is not selfish. It is fuel for you to show up for this incredibly demanding time in your life.
For an example, maybe you love yoga, but you haven't been to a class in months. Instead of skipping it again, you tell your partner, I'm going to go to yoga on Thursday night. Can you handle bedtime? Your child might protest the change, but in the long run, they'll see a model of what it looks like to prioritize health and balance, and you're gonna come back more grounded and also better able to handle the next meltdown with patience instead of snapping. So don't sacrifice your needs for your kids. Instead, do have a life outside of parenting and take care of your needs. And now finally, number five, don't be a helicopter parent. And what are we going to do instead? We are gonna do encourage our kids to have some independence by giving the skills they need to be in the world. So it's really natural to wanna protect our kids from struggle, right? But when we hover, when we micromanage or rush to solve every problem, we actually send the message of, don't believe you can handle this. So kids grow up less resilient and more dependent on us. That's not what we want. We want to give them skills to be independent actors in the world doing things, right? And not that they have to do everything on their own. They need to be able to do things like, you know, go do their chores, go to the playground, go down to the corner store and buy bubblegum, right? These things that many of us growing up took for granted. True confidence comes from facing challenges, making mistakes, and learning how to get back up again. When we step back and let our children try and even sometimes fail, they develop grit, problem solving, and self-trust. So what does this mean? This means scaffolding our kids, teaching them skills. That means going into doing the learning ladder, right? The learning ladder is, “First I do it for you, then I do it with you, then I watch you do it, and then you do it on your own”, right? So this is how we learn to do all kinds of things from walking down the street to the park, to doing your homework, to doing your chores, to doing all kinds of things, to crossing a road. So let's take an example. Your 10-year-old forgets their homework at home. This is a great age for instead of rushing to deliver it- you actually let them face the natural consequences of explaining it to their teacher. And later you might say something like, you know, I know that was tough. What could help you remember homework tomorrow? So you're not rescuing and you allow them to kind of have that experience of failure within the safe confines of your home, right? And they get to experience what that feels like, manage those feelings and they experience responsibility. And then you can coach them, not control them in how to find their own solutions. So the final mindful parenting do and don't is don't be a helicopter parent and do encourage independence by giving your kids skills they need to be in this world. Whether that's you're giving your two-year-old the wavy cutter to cut some vegetables or it's not rescuing your 10-year-old with their homework.
So the five do's and don'ts of mindful parenting are don't yell and lose your cool, shouting too much, do model emotion regulation. Don't punish kids for negative emotions. Do practice accepting feelings and not taking them personally. Three, don't use disconnection, shaming, or corporal punishment. Instead, do set clear boundaries for children. Number four, don't lose touch with your friends and sacrifice your needs for your child. Do have a life outside of parenting and take care of your own needs. And then finally, don't be a helicopter parent, do encourage independence by giving them skills they need in the world. I hope this has helped you with some thoughts on how to parent a little with a little more awareness and compassion. Remember that mindful parenting is not about perfection. You absolutely will yell sometimes, you will get triggered, you will say things you regret, that's part of being human.
What matters most is how we respond next, repairing when we mess up, modeling growth and returning again and again to being present with what is. By practicing these dos and avoiding these don'ts, modeling emotional regulation, accepting feelings, setting respectful boundaries, caring for ourselves and fostering independence, we are not only supporting our kids' growth, you're also gonna then grow yourself, which is really a beautiful outcome of parenting mindfully, right? So it really is as much about healing ourselves, it is about raising amazing kids. And that's what makes it so transformative.
Hey, I hope this episode helped you. I would love to know if it did. Of course, you can reach out and let me know @MindfulMamaMentor. And of course, I'd love it if you could leave a rating and review. And I want to give a shout out to OurMindfulTribe who left a five-star review who said, “My most recommended podcast! Hunter's work was instrumental in my early parenting years. I found her course and meditation through this podcast. And then her book, I now have tween and continue to benefit from her research and guests on the podcast. I'm always sharing episodes with friends and family.”
Thank you so, so much, OurMindfulTribe, that makes a huge difference to myself, my team, all the hard work we do to put out this podcast. So thank you. If you like this podcast, share it with a friend, leave a rating and review on Apple podcasts. That really makes a big, big difference to me and everybody and to people who are trying to find stuff that will help them. You can help them find this. And I hope this helps you have a better week, maybe some less pressure on yourself to be perfect, I hope. And I'm wishing you all the best and I really, really appreciate you listening. So thank you so much and I'll be back again next week. Namaste.
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