Brittany is a mom to 2 kids, struggling to find her calm in triggering situations. She’s also struggling to find time for her spouse.
419: How do You Share Your Calm?
[Mindful Parenting Coaching]
Brittany is a mama who wants to respond with empathy and stay attuned to her 3-year-old son, but how do you do that in overstimulating or triggering moments? She’s heard the advice to “share your calm,” but HOW? Hunter coaches Brittany through the things that it actually takes to regulate our feelings in the face of a fiery toddler.
[Mindful Parenting Coaching] How Do You Share Your Calm? [419]
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Brittany: So I guess I would be sometimes what you would call an explosive parent. I'm usually a very calm, very gentle person. And then just when I hit that limit, I explode.
[00:00:17] Hunter: You're listening to the Mindful Parenting Podcast, episode number 419. Today is a special on air coaching session with Brittany talking about how do you share your calm?
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting Podcast. Here, it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Parenting, we know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you get calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clark Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course, and I'm the author of the bestselling book, Raising Good Humans, a mindful guide to breaking the cycle of reactive parenting and raising kind, confident kids. And now, raising good humans every day, 50 simple ways to press pause, stay present, and connect with your kids.
Welcome back to the Mindful Mama podcast. So glad you are here. Listen, if you haven't done so yet, please hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode. And if you haven't... Done so yet, or please go over to Apple Podcasts. You can do it right from your phone, like where you're probably listening to this right now.
You just go to the leave a review and you can leave us a rating and review, especially if you love the podcast and it just helps the podcast grow and takes about 30 seconds. I greatly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. And this is a very special episode. We have been noticing that the honor coaching sessions are getting a lot of downloads So we wanted to do some more and so today we have Brittany A mama who wants to respond with empathy and stay attuned to her three year old son.
How do you do that in like those overstimulating, triggering moments, right? It's all about that. And so she's heard the advice to share your calm, how? So in this episode, you're going to hear me coach Brittany through the things that it actually takes to regulate our feelings in the face of a fiery toddler.
This is the kind of thing I do every week, all the time with Mindful Parenting members in the Mindful Parenting membership. So if you want to know more about Mindful Parenting, if this appeals to you, go to MindfulParentingCourse. com and sign up for the waiting list. I'll, we'll send you some info about it.
Okay, so let's dive in. Join me at the table as I coach Brittany in this special on air coaching session.
Brittany, thank you so much for coming on the Mindful Mama podcast. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you. All right. So this is an honor coaching call and I'm so excited to talk to you about you and your toddler boy, Fulcher Hames. So cute. It's a little bit cutter name. And before we go into some of the challenges that you're having, maybe you could share with us, what are some wins that you've
[00:03:32] Brittany: had?
I think one of the biggest wins probably since Beginning this whole adventure of motherhood has been learning to be more flexible and go with the flow because I've always been a very scheduled routine oriented person. I always have everything planned out and need to know what's coming next.
And with my son, with AJ I, ever since he was born, it's just been very much go with the flow of the day. I was very... When he was born was right before COVID had actually, which for, I know a lot of people was really hard. For me, it was almost, it was helpful to have that forced isolation at the time because I was just starting new motherhood.
And so it gave me that kind of that fourth trimester time to just focus on him and me and the bonding and just okay, now we're nursing and now we're just napping and just. Following the natural rhythm of how things went with him without feeling forced into any particular routine that I needed to keep up with.
And so I think that kind of helped kickstart that sort of change in my mindset. And then before he turned one was when I came across the Raised Good Summit in the fall, which is how I learned about you too. And so then I came across all these other resources supporting that. And so just one thing led to another and it trickled and snowballed, but definitely just learning to take each day as it comes.
We keep a fairly flexible, open schedule overall. We'll go visit friends regularly sometimes, but we have a lot of days just at home. with each other, playing outside. If he's having a harder day emotionally, it's it's pretty easy to just say, okay, we'll just have a chill day today and focus on the support you need.
I think that's been just probably one of my biggest wins, is learning to be flexible with routine. Yeah, it's
[00:05:34] Hunter: really hard to slow down. In fact for a lot of us we hear the advice that, we should slow down and really rest for at least the first month after birth. Yeah.
And then after that, and for a lot of us, we're so like go, that, that can be really hard. So it sounds like the, I can imagine that, the whole world is slowing down with COVID. So you're like, okay, here we go. And you could just focus your energy on this new baby. That sounds pretty cool in some ways.
Yeah. That's cool. Okay, good. And you're being more flexible. You wear a lot more routine and that's really nice. So it sounds like you're able to stay home with AJ and and you're enjoying that? That feels good to you? I am,
[00:06:20] Brittany: yes. That's what I had always wanted to do. I always, when I was younger, I always wanted to be a mom, and my mom was a stay at home mom, and that was like my I really loved that idea of being a stay at home mom myself and focusing on my kiddos, or kiddo.
And I became a teacher for a while and that kind of took the love of children outside of school hours out of my heart for a while because I just got very burnt out. I loved my students, but because of teaching for a long time, I was like, I don't know if I want kids because I was just so stressed and so burnt out from that.
And I lost that dream for a little while, but then we were surprised when AJ came along and it ended up being a really good surprise. I brought that dream back for me and caused us to, Brought about a move. We were living overseas at the time, so we moved here. And I was able to stay home with him, and I do love it.
I've just recently started up my own small business, which is taking a bit of my time with going to markets, selling my products locally, that sort of thing, but I'm still mostly home with him. It's been the first time we've had a babysitter watching him at least a couple times a week, and so that's been a bit of an adjustment for us, but I still am home with him the majority, so I do love it.
[00:07:31] Hunter: Cool, so you've got like some space, you've got your time wealth, which is awesome, like not everybody has that's like great to have okay, lots of great ones. What are some of the challenges that are arising with three and a half year old AJ?
[00:07:48] Brittany: I'm probably the biggest challenge. I would say it's me, like my own just like struggle with emotional space holding.
It's something I feel like in each stage of his life I've gotten a grasp on it and learned, okay, now I've got a handle on how to hold space for this particular thing, and then he moves on to the next one, and I'm like, oh, man, I just finally got the hang of that so just I struggle a lot with anger, I get really angry or just overstimulated, and so I, I guess I would be sometimes what you would call an explosive parent.
I'm usually very calm, very gentle. Person, and then just when I hit that limit, I explode, and that's not fair to him, and it's something, progress, and then go back, and then progress, and it's a
[00:08:42] Hunter: tricky one. I can really relate to you a lot about that. It's funny because people like talk to me and they're like, Oh, you're so like calm.
And I'm like, it's not really naturally that way. Like sometimes I'm like, and yet, I have a really bad temper. I know I got my temper from my father. Is this something that you experienced growing up was like explosive anger?
[00:09:07] Brittany: I don't think often necessarily explosive. I just know the way we do have very different parenting approaches, and so I think a lot more of my explosions.
From what I've learned in all of my reparenting journey thus far, is that a lot of it is probably due to the buildup of because I'm responding to AJ in a way that I wasn't necessarily responding to in a lot of these hard moments, that just builds up because I'm like, not consciously, but it's internally you're Inner child or whatever, right?
Is I didn't get that. I didn't get that. Hey, where's my turn? And so I think it's more probably the explosions come from doing so much of what wasn't necessarily done to me in these moments. And so it's really hard to do that time after time because my brain still is like, oh, how dare you do that?
Or No, I'm the mom, what I say goes. And so I've still got that like script in the back of my mind going. And so shutting that down time after time, I think eventually it just builds and
[00:10:11] Hunter: Yeah, you live in this culture, and all that we have these ideas of, we, we don't even realize it.
We may think we're like very enlightened and we learn a lot of things and we listen to lots of Mindful Mama podcasts, right? So but then we have these ideas in our head they should be doing this thing when I say this thing and, and, or they should not be taught. That's disrespectful.
Like that, these kind of thoughts in our head that just come like from our culture. And, like you say, like old scripts that can drive us. And I think of them as Habits, these are like habits and just things that have been ingrained through so many different resources, culture, movies, TV, people around us, everything.
And it sounds like you're practicing, from what I'm hearing is that you're practicing to, to you want to stay calm, right? You want to be responsive and attuned, like I'm told, you're, I'm hearing that and that takes a lot of effort. It's a new way of being, right?
That is not maybe the, the, what was the habit ingrained in you and And that effort after a while your body runs out of body budget or, energy for that. And you're just like, done. Yeah. It's calm, and then done. That's what I'm hearing.
Is that right?
[00:11:48] Brittany: Yeah. Usually that if it's been a really long, just consistently rough day or week for him. So I've been doing that a lot and it just builds up, I'll just, I'll have an explosive moment. Or it's if. It's a lot easier to stay calm when it's okay, just me focusing on him and we're just having a day together, and so I don't have any other things taking up my brain capacity.
But, it's if I'm trying to make a phone call, or if I've gotta work at the air, I'm trying to get all these other things done at the same time as trying to manage and take care of things for him. I think... Those are the other moments when there's just too many things coming in at me at once.
[00:12:33] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
Okay. This is great. This sounds like you're really identifying a pattern and things like that. And You want to hold space for these extra big feelings. Yes. But I'm also hearing some like really practical things here. Like I'm wondering, Brittany, how much are you, is it just you and AJ for hours and hours on end?
Like what kind of other support and what kind of breaks do you have from
[00:13:07] Brittany: being mom? That's one that we've been trying to figure out because with both me and my husband, basically since we've got married, it's just been a constant strain of just like thing after thing and just like non stop.
So even finding time for ourselves pre aging, it was sometimes hard. And so then... Throw a little one in the mix and so it's made it even harder for us to find whether time for each other or just time for ourselves. And because often like for me to get me time means for Dan, my husband, to watch AJ for a bit but then he doesn't get much of his own time either and so we've both been trying to navigate that.
Since starting having a babysitter with my market staff So that's been just the last two months now, basically, though it was paused because I had to have ankle surgery a few weeks ago and so that threw everything off. Awesome. But, since that started, I've been able to get a little more time because just me going out on my own to do these markets and to interact with other people and sell these things I've created, even though it's technically work, it's also something that's fun and it is a fulfilling and recharging thing for me.
Since starting that new bit, I've been getting a little more time for myself, but it is very much often just me and AJ a lot of the time, most days. I'd say that's a work in progress. Yeah. Me. Yeah. So my funny thing I'm a little distractible at times, but I think it's worked out in my favor with my business because it started out initially as just a garden business.
My business is called Tranquil Roots. And so it was going to be like growing and selling all of my garden stuff. And plant starts at the beginning of the season, that sort of thing, produce through the harvest season. And then I also started doing like herbal teas, herbal bath soaks, especially I've got a postpartum bath soak.
One of my favorite things, when my son was born, my doula gave me a postpartum bath soak and that was like my me time. 2 a. m. After nursing him and unable to fall asleep, I'd go soak and bath, have a glass of wine with a cookie in my bath soak. I love that. I love that. That was like my big postpartum treat.
But but yeah, so I do the bath soaks, I've also started doing like natural candles and stuff. I get triggered really easily by fragrances and stuff, so I found some, a company that really cleaned up a lot of their fragrance oils and doesn't bother me, so I've started making candles with those and it's been really fun.
[00:15:35] Hunter: Okay, cool. You're doing all these different things. I love this. Now, what I'm wondering is like the babysitter is there, but then wasn't there when you had ankle surgery, which seems like a little confusing to me because I can't imagine you were walking around much with ankle surgery and wouldn't it have been great to have another person in the house then?
I'm just curious about that. Do you and your husband Give yourselves permission to get help if one or the other of you are there. Are you, is it in, within the realm of possibility to get help when you're doing the other things for your business that don't involve being out of the house?
[00:16:12] Brittany: That's a work in progress. Yes, I did have her here some. I guess I didn't explain, that was just in passing, I mentioned this earlier. So I did have her here some days just because I was like, I need help. I wasn't even in a walking boot for the first two weeks. I was on crutches fully just had to be sitting, having my foot up, and I was like, oh my gosh I'm a half year old.
I need help. I did recruit help. I had people around most days, at least for a couple hours, to even just play with him and give him some attention or to get snacks and food for us. Like, all these little practical things. I did. Give myself permission to hire help on those days, even though I was home, I guess for me I'm having to like work on saying, yeah, it's okay to hire, to have someone here to help with him, even though I'm here so I can just go focus on things.
So I'm getting to that point. Some of it's also, budgetary stuff and so it's just, of course, be in time, but. Yeah. I think the giving ourselves permission thing is probably one that's been a barrier probably for both of us. We're like if I'm here then I need to do it. Or if you're here, then you do, or if you're going to get time for you, then it means I have to give up my time, vice versa.
It's just a bit of a juggling act. Yeah.
[00:17:25] Hunter: One of the things you're obviously like encountering is like our country's like complete lack of support for parents, right? Like we have no safety net and no support. It's super frustrating. If he's... I don't know where you were overseas before, but my friend's in the Netherlands and she had like totally free child care from the very beginning, and it was very high quality.
So this is I'm seeing this problem, right? Which is that we weren't meant to be just two people, like with three and a half year old and just the two of us back and forth, two and a half year old forever and ever, right? That's putting a lot of strain on you. That's putting strain on you is putting strain on your.
Your marriage you've had trouble finding time for, just for each other. It's also strain on, you being able to get your work done. And then it's also putting strain on your parenting because you don't you have to do this intensive time swap, right? And all of these things.
And yeah, and then there's the financial difficulty of childcare being so expensive and things like that. So just to for three and a half. This time, like before he goes to school and this is like the most intensive time right now. From the perspective of later, this is the most intensive time.
They're so like needy of attention and constant interaction and all this stuff, right? And it's the most intensive time. So if. If there are resources to spare, this is the time to give yourselves permission because it is more intensive now than when he's going to be even like five, six, and seven, like even a couple of years down the line.
This is the peak and especially three and a half. He's three, the ages like three and 13 are these big ages of separation. Okay. My youngest daughter is in the age of 13 now. Like I'm like, Oh yeah. 13, I'm feeling that separation. Three is also a big age of separation and that's why people say, oh, whatever they, the, they say about threes.
So it's really hard, and that means that you need, this is the time, if you have some resources, to allocate resources to giving yourselves. a break for it, like this is the year
[00:19:53] Brittany: to do it. That's nice to hear that because we've been wait a minute, we were doing okay. Like we felt like we've made all this progress and all of a sudden, why is it so intense all the time?
What, did we miss something? So it's very validating to hear that. Thank you. Yeah,
[00:20:09] Hunter: you're welcome. I know, it's yeah, you feel like you're going crazy because you've, in our brains it's one of those old scripts we feel like all progress should just be, like, going forward all the time and it's such a lie.
No, it's not.
[00:20:23] Brittany: I will say, big thing we did do recently, we he did his first overnight away, which is like a big step for everyone, at my parents house. They live about an hour and a half away and he'd been for a little while. Whenever we'd visit, we'd leave, and he'd say, I want to stay by myself and you go back to Big White House.
And we're like, we can make that happen. That little I got. We've done very well. It's been naturally progressed into just Ben sharing for us. And he's Still nurses during the night some, but it's been a lot less now because it's getting older, but just because of a lot of those things, it wasn't really conducive to do any overnight sooner, so we decided, we're like, okay, we'll just wait until he is old enough that he asks for it, and so we did.
We're like, yeah, and it went really well, so we're going to make that at least a monthly thing so that Dan and I can have at our own house with no one else in here, which is just like a whole new thing. We're like, what is this? I don't know if I've ever seen or anyone listening has ever seen Hotel Transylvania 3.
But there's this moment where the two of the characters in the movie, they're wolves and they, as wolves are, they've got like hundreds of these kids always around them and she's always pregnant in every movie they're just always having kids and so they go and they find the kids area on the cruise ship they're on and they walk in and take the kids and they're like, so you know, You, we leave them here and you watch them and
[00:21:57] Hunter: they're like, but why?
Okay,
[00:22:01] Brittany: so they, they leave all the kids, they walk out and it's just the two of them standing out there. They're like, so now what do we do? And the wife's I think we do whatever we want. And they just go back and forth a couple times whenever we want. Whatever we want, and then they start chanting, they're like, whatever we want, and it's just, my husband and I, when we see that part, we always die, because we're like, that is just so accurate, it's great so it's, we definitely we're quoting that, that night, we're like, whatever we want, because it was our first night, in three and a half years,
[00:22:33] Hunter: right, Okay, so what I'm hearing is that you're coming because your challenge is, holding space for those extra, those big feelings, you're getting overstimulated, you're, you have this temper coming out.
And why I'm asking you about all the support and things in your life is, it's clear, right? Like when you don't have enough space, you don't have time to be you when, like your levels of overall stress is the biggest indicator of how, how your stress response is going to be.
Because if your overall stress is, is, you're just with a three and a half year old constantly all day long and then, you don't have any breaks. It's clear that you're gonna, that temper is going to come out. It's just going to get to a tipping point. You just don't have the, it's a recipe for crazy making for human beings to just be only with, maybe there's, and that's why we have aunties and uncles and all of that thing, the whole village and you don't have the village.
I'm hearing your parents are like an hour and a half away. Which sucks because it's so close, yet it's just too far to be able to travel it like on a regular basis. And I'm happy to talk to you about all the ways that we can calm the temper and things and the tools that you can use for those moments.
But I also want, I want to challenge you. To think of, to write a list of 10 ways, and 10's going to be super hard, like it's going to be a lot, it's going to be more than you think you can think of, 10 ways that you could get extra help and support and time just to take a break from AJ, not because you don't want to love him and want to be with him, but because when you want to be with him, you want to be at your best.
And so that means... Not that every time, right? Like in good enough parenting means, it doesn't mean you're perfect all the time. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to yell. That's okay. You're allowed to do that. He will survive. It would be bad for him if you were perfect all the time. Model,
[00:24:41] Brittany: we can model, healing and resolving things with him. So that's what I remind myself in those moments, but I still don't want them to be too
[00:24:49] Hunter: frequent. Yeah. You don't want them to be too frequent. So yeah. So I'm wondering, as we talk through this and we talk about the support issue, how are you taking care of yourself?
How are you taking care of your nervous system, your heart, your mind, your soul on a regular basis?
[00:25:10] Brittany: Yeah, I mean I at least so recently just the last couple weeks since I've been back on my feet again And we've been trying to okay let's work on a bit of a rhythm for our days just for both of our sake and so in the mornings We've started where we'll come downstairs like I'll get his breakfast ready.
We'll sit on the couch. We'll watch a couple like of our favorite worship songs together first, and then I'll put on whatever show he's wanting to watch so that I can do my morning devotional time, which is not something I've been able to do basically consistently since he was a newborn and he would just sleep on the bed next to me while I read it.
That's a little something that I've just started. I was like, okay, you know what, putting on the show while I'm reading this, and he does that that's fine. We do a little bit together first to just give him that time with that sort of thing, but I'm sitting here doing my reading, he sees me doing my reading, and he can do what he wants, and it's okay to do that, to give me this time.
That's a little thing I've done recently for myself, but that's just still very new.
[00:26:12] Hunter: I like that. That sounds like a win that you're taking some time to slow down, to stop going, to stop serving someone else, and to just be you and to take care of your heart and your soul.
[00:26:27] Brittany: And with my coffee.
I make sure to get my son the coffee. My iced coffee to sit and sip on while I do my reading. Just that little bit, I have found even just these couple weeks, there were, like, a couple days that didn't happen because either Dan was home and so we just had a different morning or just something threw things off and I noticed a difference in my responses just with not having that little start to the day of that little bit of time.
So that's something I'm definitely trying to make more of a habit. Now that my ankle's better again, I'm wanting to, get back into doing exercise because that is something that is really important to me, but it's been a harder one since becoming a mom, too. And I know that chemically and physically does affect my brain responses because of all of, the endorphins and all the good things that happen when you take care of your body.
That's on the list of things to do, but hasn't been mastered yet. Yeah, as far as consistent things I do I, I don't have much in place. That one little morning thing is a new one that is at least probably the most consistent, I
[00:27:35] Hunter: guess, thing I have. Do you have a YMCA near you or something like that?
[00:27:39] Brittany: We have a YMCA. We also have, oh, you're probably, because they have child care,
[00:27:45] Hunter: right? They have child care and they have fitness classes and gym and the whole thing, usually a pool. Yeah, How do you feel about child care with random
[00:27:55] Brittany: strangers? That one, I'm, I can be iffy on. This is the first time with the child care while I do my markets.
It's been the first time I've started doing that with someone I didn't already know. Because I was like, okay, I'm gonna, I need someone regularly. So I went through care. com and they have all the background check and stuff. And I was able to find someone good through that, that I was comfortable with, met with them first.
Just because in today's. There's just so many things that happen that it's, I try not to be like too I'm anxious about that sort of thing, but also it's especially having been a former teacher, knowing how easily things get away, like when you have too many, so many kids in one person or two people I'm a little unsure on
that one.
[00:28:41] Hunter: YMCA childcare is generally not like the, it's not like super, it's not like child development experts there, but it's usually like a bunch of kids, right? Like they're all there. And your child may not get their every need catered to, and that's fine. They're going to survive.
He may not even like it, and that's okay. It's okay for him to not like an hour of his life every day, right? If you decide to go and work out every day it's fine for him to not be happy, not even love it. He may go there and love it and think it's super fun if you tried it out. And this is, and like a lot of us we want to just be there for our kids, and we want to be that perfect nurturing Earth Mama, all that, and that's great, that's wonderful, but if you're burnt out, you're not going to be a good, wonderful Earth Mama for aging you need to take care of the goddess within, right?
If you're the Earth Mama, You gotta take care of that, Earth Mama and it's okay for him. A lot of kids are, they have more of a village taking care of them at an even earlier age. She's had you for... Three and a half years, to introduce him to other people and maybe even gets attached to other people.
And that would be actually really positive for him. Like it's actually, developmentally and like evolutionarily normal for kids to have like multiple attachment figures. That's really good for them. And if you go, like what I would recommend, I would say I invite you to check out the YMCA, go there.
They'll probably let you, just what you can do is you drop them off for 10 minutes of childcare and you just go for a walk or tour the whatever. And then the next day you go back and you do 15 minutes and the next day you go back and do 20 minutes. Just do and build it up. When I had to take my daughter to childcare, she's a highly sensitive kid.
Like it. She did not like childcare and she, they came and got me cause she cried and I had to go get her and that was okay. But eventually, she tolerated childcare. And there are a lot of kids who like it. Like my other daughter was psyched because they had a particular toys that like we didn't have, so that was pretty cool. And I'm saying, even if he doesn't like it, it's okay. It's safe for him to have an experience that is not perfect for him and that's actually good for him. It's resilience, right? Like he can, and then you come back together and there's a reunion and that feels good and then you feel better.
And that's actually all very good and very positive for him.
Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
Let's talk about like when we're starting to get like super frustrated, right? So what's like a typical like thing that might throw you
[00:31:40] Brittany: over the edge? I'm like, Oh, what? Where to begin? There's so many. So I'm trying to get my thoughts sorted to
[00:31:46] Hunter: like a recent experience. I
[00:31:48] Brittany: think recently when I was with my ankle, so I've had to be limited in what I can do or I can't be up for long.
So it's more of the current doing his own thing when I'm trying to get us to do a certain thing. Or it's okay, we need to go inside now. Mommy has to sit down and get her foot back up. And the trying to move in a direction and them having their own agenda and just not responding.
I would say not, I started to say not listening, but I'm like, I know it's not really that ah, that's when, one of the biggest ones is like when I'm telling him to do or not to do something right. And he's not responding to that and not following that particular thing and just over and over. And it's in my head, I know it's because he's in his own world and I need to go get on his level and talk to him, but with my ankle, I couldn't necessarily do that I couldn't just move over to him quickly, so a lot of the times, for recently, it's been the just not responding right away, which logically is a mom I know of a three and a half year old, his brain is not there for that right now, but those moments can be very Triggering.
[00:32:57] Hunter: Yeah. Because you have to get in the house or to the car or whatever it is. Yeah. It's incredibly triggering. It is. Not listening, right? That's the thing, right? Not listening. Okay, cool. Let's imagine, there, we can talk about like ways to respond to him, right? You know those. You're like, get down on his level, look him in the eyes, touch his shoulder.
Buddy, we gotta go in the house now. I see you were super into playing empathize with what's, reflectively listen to what's happening to him, you really want to play, you wish you could just keep playing here, and I know, I get it I wish you could too, but we gotta go in right now, right?
So we can talk about ways to respond. Let's say, situation is such that you're not able to do that. So in those moments, the thing that I want to invite you to do, and this can be sometimes like we're so intent on I want to be this way for my kid, right? I want to be calm. I want to be nurturing.
I want to be attuned. So then as feelings arise that are contrary to this image that we have of ourselves with our kids. We can we push them away, right? Like we, we no, I'm calm, right? And then we're just like, oh, boom. And that's, I'm imagining that for you, Brittany.
Is that what I'm hearing? Yeah. Yeah.
[00:34:21] Brittany: I, it. Remember hearing like the quote, the share your calm, In your, when your kids are in like turmoil, your job is not to join it. They're chaos, but to share their calm. I can't remember if that was for you, for someone else, but I know I've seen that around a lot.
And I always laugh to myself because when I see that, when I'm like, okay, I know that's true, but then I'm sitting here okay, share my calm. Share my calm, where the F is my calm . So it's First, find my comm, then I can share it. Missing link there sometimes for me.
I love that. Share your comm.
WTF, right?
[00:34:59] Brittany: Okay. Like where is my comm? I can't share it if I don't have it.
[00:35:04] Hunter: And it's true. That is something that, I would say your kid's got to borrow your comp. But, so the weird thing is about this is that to be able to get to that place of regulation, we have to accept and embrace our difficulty.
We have to accept and embrace that we have all the other feelings, right? Like, when you're in this situation and he's not listening to you or he's not, responding to you, probably you're starting to feel a little frustrated and irritated, right? And but you're like, no, I'm going to be calm and respond to him in a calm way.
But actually, so instead to be able to get to a, but the thing is like we, beyond being. We also want to be really authentic with our kids. We want to be real. We want to model being real and all the challenges that go along with that. So this is like the moment in your life, right? Like where he's three and a half and he's really a lot more aware.
So you now, and the reality is coming home to root. So in these moments, I'm going to invite you to, this is like a time to just. Acknowledge your feelings, and basically this is like name it to tame it, which is, what Dr. Dan Siegel coined that phrase. And the idea is and the research has borne out that as far as brain scans and all of these things, that when you will say to AJ buddy, I'm starting to feel frustrated.
I'm starting to feel annoyed because we gotta go in, right? Or or just acknowledging to yourself, okay? Starting to feel frustrated. I'm starting to feel annoyed. And this is like this is like this wonderful thing because it's like you're not blocking it and suppressing the feeling so that it comes up like when you do that it's like you're pushing a beach ball under the water and then it just pops up even higher and like with a bigger splash later, right?
Like explosive temper, right? That's what happens. So instead, you're going to name it to tame it, starting to feel frustrated, I'm starting to feel annoyed because I have this time pressure, whatever, you don't even have to say why, like you're just going to name the feeling. And that in itself is going to lower your temperature.
It's going to be your bell of mindfulness. It's going to, and it's going to interrupt the pattern you've established of suppressing and then exploding. You're going to interrupt that pattern. I'm starting to feel frustrated. And then what can you do? To then actually get to an authentically calm place, right?
Cause now you're like acknowledging the reality that you have feelings. Go figure.
[00:37:45] Brittany: Not just a Zen master here.
[00:37:48] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to be the Dalai Mama. That's okay. So you've acknowledged the reality that you have feelings and that you can get frustrated and we all can, right?
This is the reality of life. So then it flips you into, okay, what can I do to authentically get my whole brain on board? So one thing you can do is you can put a hand to your heart. I invite, and the breath is cliche because it works. So you just want to try to take a longer exhale because the thing is like as you each inhale is a little mini fight, flight, or free stress response.
Each exhale is a mini. Opposite rest and relax response. So when you do exhale longer than your inhale, it's like a body hack, biohack to get your body into rest and relax response, okay? So inhaling for four, exhale for six.
Again, let's try it again. Inhale four,
exhale six.
With hand at heart if you, if that feels supportive for you. For me, that really does. So you do the breath, do those longer exhales, three to five times. And if you need and then maybe the third step in there is going to be like, this is not an emergency. This is not an emergency. You're going to just tell your brain that, and then you're going to, and then you're going to proceed, right?
Okay. And you might even say it loud. I need, so I'm feeling frustrated. I need to go in. You're feeling this. You're going to describe what's happening out loud. Because that kind of takes it and makes it a little less like the emergency in your head that your nervous system is saying is a threat, right?
And more of normalizing the experience, right? Mmhmm. Okay. And I'm going to ask you to write this on sticky notes. So name it to tame it. Longer exhales. This is not an emergency. You're going to write it on four or five sticky notes and put it in different strategic places. I'm making a new note.
[00:40:05] Brittany: Name it to
[00:40:06] Hunter: tame it.
And then I would encourage you actually, when you're doing your morning exhales.
Read a five five times then two so that every day you're practicing this thing And that's actually going to get you at a lower baseline right at the beginning of the day, and it's going to help you practice it so when you need it later, it's handy. It's right there, not just something you do in a challenging time.
Okay. And to
[00:40:36] Brittany: have it so it's easier to remember in the hard moments versus if it's something that you don't do often and then you try to bring it in moments of dysregulation, it does not come back.
[00:40:44] Hunter: Exactly right. Yes. Awesome. Okay. Brittany, we have covered a lot. We've got AJ. We talked about your, you have a lot of awareness.
You've had this this lovely, like early childhood experience with little AJ with COVID lockdown. And now you're moving out into the world and you're getting these time stresses and we're starting to like figure out how this is changing the balance and the budget of what, of time and energy and overwhelm and all of those things.
We're thinking about And then, and and all those self care things are all the things that are the foundation for you to be able to sustain being the Earth Mama that you're going to be for AJ for years to come. Like you need to sustain that, right? So you want to you got to put in, got to feed those plants, right?
Same for you. And then we talked about how to calm down in the challenging moments. Okay. I want to hear from you now. What are you taking away from this conversation? I'm
[00:41:55] Brittany: going to remember to get a list of 10 ways to get more support. I wrote that down, so I make sure to work on that. Doing the breathing exercises more regularly.
That's like something like I... I really need to build a habit of because it's something you try and you're like, oh, this works, but I just, I need those reminders to do that, but the sticky notes, I am a sticky note person, so that'll be huge, like just writing those and having them posted and then I think, yeah, just the tips of what to do in those moments where I start to feel that rising, the reminder that it, the name it to tame it I've heard that before, but it just hadn't occurred to me.
I think I've been so stuck on the don't shame and blame him for my feelings that I've been forgetting that it's okay to still talk about them. I've had some moments where I'll say, okay, I'm feeling overstimulated. Like when I'm getting all touched and he's climbing on me and I've, in those moments, I've gotten better at that, but just in the emotional.
Overwhelmed moments. I've not thought of, oh yeah, it's okay for me to describe to him, hey buddy, I'm feeling a bit frustrated. I don't have to say because you're doing, because then that's not a good place to put it. But I just describe what I'm feeling, and then he sees me say, oh, mommy's frustrated, she's taking breaths, and that helps teach him that.
I think that's probably the biggest thing for me right now is just, oh yeah, okay, I can describe what I'm feeling in those moments around him so that he For my own sake, and also it'll help him, but mainly for me, and then also the breath, knowing that, oh, breathing out longer than breathing in interrupts that stress response.
That was like, I don't think I'd quite heard that. So that helps. All right.
[00:43:34] Hunter: Awesome. Awesome takeaways, Brittany. I can't wait to like, I want an update in six months, just send me an email, let me know how it's going and you'll be like past three and a half and as long as you're Grounded. You're taking care of yourself.
If you have a foundation, good sleep, exercise, time with friends and family, time to be grounded, right? Support. You're gonna be able to handle all, there's so many different challenges in every age and stage, but your foundation is the constant. So you gotta feed yourself, right? Cause more than anything else.
He needs you to be grounded, to be, steady, to be real and authentic human being. You don't have to be perfect but that's what he needs most of all. If you're going to do that, you're going to need to, yeah, he might need to, go sit for an hour with different toys and people.
He's how are you? And that's okay. He'll survive. Yeah. This has been such a pleasure. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you talking to you today and your willingness to share it with the world. It's so helpful I'm sure for so many people.
[00:44:53] Brittany: Thank you. I appreciate your time as well. It was really great chatting to you.
[00:45:05] Hunter: I hope you enjoyed this episode. I, we've noticed like the honor coaching sessions get a lot of downloads. So if this is something you like, we would love to know, I would love to know. We post about each episode on Instagram and Facebook. So maybe you can find that post or just, take a screenshot yourself, post it, tag me.
At Mindful Mama Mentor, tell me if you like the Honor coaching, if it helps you I'd love to know. It makes such a big difference for me and knowing that it's making a difference for you that's what we really wanna know and that's what really drives us. So I'd love to know, tag me at Mindful Mama, mentor.
And of course those readings and reviews. They mean so, so much. I want to give a shout out to Anna G25 who left a five star review on Apple Podcasting. Amazing. I have read the Raising Good Humans book and I'm listening to the podcast. Highly recommend. Lots of exclamation points. Love it. Thank you so much.
It means so much to me and a whole team of people who puts on this podcast. Shout out to Alex Retsis and... And Emma Greening and Lynn Weller and Chelsea Gilday, amazing team that does so much. So so yeah, please do those things if you enjoy the podcast and I hope this episode helps you. I hope it makes a difference for you and your family and I wish you a beautiful week.
All those good things in your life. Let's lean into those good moments, let's lean into those peace and ease, let's give ourselves those moments because it's really what our kids need from us is us feeling grounded, feeling peaceful, right? As we heard in this coaching call, that's, that is really what we need, it's funny.
I was asked in an interview recently, do you still struggle with your temper and stuff like that? Yeah, I do. And in fact, after a few years of being dormant, it had been so long, my temper came out a few days a little bit ago. And it was because, it's funny because it was like all those things.
It was like the time pressure, the outrageously frustrating nudging and from the 13 year old and, but it was like a lot of those other factors that were just building my stress level. And then it took it, it was a lot of nudging that threw me over the edge, but but yeah, so my temper did come out.
I yelled and then I stormed out of the house and I just walked up and down the street and ignored my neighbor
[00:47:55] Brittany: across the street, so I didn't have to talk
[00:47:57] Hunter: to anybody at that moment. And then I came back in and a few hours she actually apologized to me first, which was really interesting. And after years of our practices and tools that they teach in Mindful Parenting MindfulParenting.
org These she came, apologized to me first, I apologized to her, we hugged, and so these things happen, like this, we're not gonna get to a place of perfect. I, it's okay, I forgive myself for this moment because it's we're human, we gotta give ourselves permission to be human, and I give myself permission to be human, and so I hope you give yourself permission to be human too, dear listener.
Thank you so much for listening, I'm so glad you're here, that we can. Share this journey together, would love it if you could help spread the word and and do the rating, review, and all that stuff, because that makes such a huge difference. And I'm wishing you all the best, and I will be practicing to calm that, that temper that still exists little latent volcano inside, I'll be practicing, doing all my practices to calm it, and I hope you will too, we can do it together, and.
I'll be back here next week. Can't wait to talk to you then. Thank you for listening. Namaste.
I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change
[00:49:27] Brittany: your relationship with your kids for the
[00:49:28] Hunter: better. It will help you communicate better. And just, I'd say communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse. It's been really a positive influence in our lives. So definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it.
It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much benefit from
[00:49:48] Brittany: being a better parent to your children.
[00:49:51] Hunter: Connecting more with them and not feeling like you're yelling all the time, or you're like, why isn't this working? I would say definitely do it. It's so worth it.
[00:50:01] Brittany: It'll change you.
No matter what
[00:50:03] Hunter: age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's a great investment in someone's family.
[00:50:10] Brittany: I'm very thankful I have this. You can some
[00:50:12] Hunter: new tools and gain some new
[00:50:20] Brittany: skills.
[00:50:21] Hunter: to shift
[00:50:22] Brittany: everything in your
[00:50:23] Hunter: parenting.
Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies, but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem... So overwhelming with too much to learn. Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clark Fields. And if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting membership. You will be joining hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class.
This. This is an opportunity to really discover your unique lasting relationship, not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting connected relationships, not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. Go to mindfulparentingcourse. com to add your name to the waitlist, so you will be the first to be notified when I open the membership for enrollment.
I look forward to seeing you on the inside. MindfulParentingCourse. com
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