Cara Tyrrell, M.Ed is mom to three girls, a Vermont based Early Childhood Educator and the founder of Core4Parenting. She is the passionate mastermind behind the Collaborative Parenting Methodology™, a birth-to-five, soul and science based framework that empowers toddler parents and educators to turn tantrums into teachable moments.
559 [Mindful Working Series #3]: Being a Better Working Parent
Cara Tyrrell
Working parenthood is tough! Hunter Clarke-Fields and Cara Tyrrell discuss the challenges faced by working parents. They discuss mindfulness, parenting as leadership, and the impact of language on a child's identity. Practical strategies for grounding rituals and emotional awareness are discussed. The nuances of toddler parenting, emotional communication, technology's impact, and authentic parenting are examined, alongside strategies for trust, connection, screen time management, and reframing parental guilt.
Ep 559- Tyrrell
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
Hunter (00:04)
You’re listening to the Mindful Mama Podcast episode #559. Today is part of the mindful working series. Number three, we're talking about being a better working parent with Cara Tyrrell.
Welcome to the Mindful Mama Podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Mama, we know that you cannot give what you do not have. And when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clark-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting Course and Teacher Training and I'm the author of the international bestseller, “Raising Good Humans”, “Raising Good Humans Every Day”, and the “Raising Good Humans Guided Journal”.
Hello, welcome back. Today I'm going to be talking to Cara Tyrrell, mom of three girls, Vermont-based early childhood educator and founder of Core4Parenting. She does keynotes, teacher trainings, and she has a top ranked podcast, transforming the toddler years. Today we're going to talk about being a working parent with toddlers and how to be more present in the moments that matter and ways, simple ways to really connect with your toddler. And the idea of, know, leadership and we're even talking about screen time. This is a very down to earth conversation. I know you're gonna really, really enjoy it. So join me at the table as I talk to Cara Tyrrell.
Thank you so much for coming on the Mindful Mama podcast. I'm so glad you're here.
Cara Tyrrell:
Hunter, I am so excited to share this space with you and have a really amazing conversation about working parents.
Hunter:
Yeah. Okay. So interesting. Cause I just had a conversation with a guest I shared working parents and who are in many different cultures, which will be on the podcast either before this conversation to your listener. So it's, it's been very much on my mind, but I wanted to start with the tension. So many parents feel between work and home. And if you're a working parent with a toddler, what are some of these invisible emotional loads that people don't really talk about?
Cara Tyrrell:
Well, first of all, there's that emotional load that's on you all the time of time. When I talk to working parents who have toddlers and we do the math, they are often shocked to figure out that they have maybe a cumulative four hours with their child in a 24-hour day. And that can be kind of a big aha moment, but also very overwhelming for them. Now, okay, I have such a limited time with my child. How do I really make the most of it? And then the other thing that I hear a lot of Hunter is kind of this human default setting that when we're in one place doing the thing, so when we're home and we're parenting, our brain automatically pulls us to those tasks that we left at work. And when we're at work, our brain is automatically wondering what's going on with our kids. And so it's very hard to really separate for our own being and our own mindsets where we are, who we're with, and just really giving them that attention.
Hunter:
Yeah, you're talking about being present, right? You're talking about that mindfulness piece of I am practicing to be fully in the present moment, is sad, but not easy to do. Yeah. And then all of these sort of lingering to-dos pulling at you, I imagine, et cetera.
Cara Tyrrell:
Yeah. Yeah. I know what that feels like. I'm going to take us back a second, well, lot of seconds. When I had toddlers, I was teaching preschool and so I was with toddlers all day long. no. And then coming home to toddlers as well. And it was so interesting to me to be kind of my own test subject because who I was in both settings were very different people. I was with the same population, but when they were mine, it was such an interesting space where I held myself to a whole different standard that was just not attainable. And I want parents to understand that, that your brain is, especially with everything that you are absorbing through the books and through the online resources and all the TikToks and the Instagrams. You are just trying to do something and holding yourself to a standard that is not feasible, especially when you want to be your best self and give 100 % and do a fantastic job both at work and at home. So step one is take that pressure off.
Hunter:
Yeah, go for “good enough”, like that emotional load of, I better do this right, or what kind of worthiness do I have, right? Or, yeah, this may be the most important thing to me, and now I'm messing it up. I remember that feeling and the feeling of realizing that, okay, only good enough is possible was, to really, really take that in was freeing.
Cara Tyrrell:
Yeah, absolutely. And the other thing is that what kids remember is not what you remember. It's so important to know that at the end of the day when you're ticking off all the tip spaces that you feel like you went wrong, they're not. And they wake up the next morning and they're not holding you accountable for any of that. It's a brand new day. So if you can't help it and you're really just feeling bummed out that evening, whoo, I reacted way more than I wanted to. I've got another day coming tomorrow and my child is going to love me at that 110 % level from minute one.
Hunter:
Yeah, yeah, especially as a toddler. And I could see that time factor really being big. If you only have four hours, it does feel like, you know, I can imagine, I mean, for me, I was a stay home mom. And four hours, I would feel like, my God, I've got to be on, I've got to get right, I've got to get it perfect for the brief hours I'm here, right?
Cara Tyrrell (07:51)
Yes, for the working parents, that's absolutely what I hear. But then also knowing that there's those four hours in their split, by the way, usually it's two in the morning and two in the evening, right? So now we've got like we chunked it again. And inside those moments are things that have to get done. Breakfast does have to be eaten and bags do need to be packed and dinner does need to be made. And so prioritizing still being in relationship with your kids while those things are happening is really where we are able to do both and stay present.
Hunter:
Yeah, and it's really hard. Relationship is a messy, nebulous kind of term. Because the to-do list is much clearer. The to-do list is like, okay, these dishes need to get done. The kid needs to be washed. The teeth need to be brushed. The to-do list is a lot clearer and the relationship piece isn't. Talking about this idea of parenting, let's think about it in this way. We've talked about parenting as a leadership at home. So for parents who are exhausted, what does this idea of leadership look like in everyday moments between the Zoom calls, the gross, the bedtime meltdown?
Cara Tyrrell (09:22)
Alright, so we're talking to working parents here. So you know what good leadership feels like in the workplace, right? You know it feels like somebody who is slow to act, who has a listening ear, someone who is willing to hear your ideas, somebody who's willing to partner with you to problem solve. You know what it feels like. Now, leadership in the home is the same thing. You also know that leadership can be kind of isolating and daunting because you do often have to make those executive decisions and the people, in this case your children, may or may not enjoy the decision that you made. But when you make it with kindness and confidence and you make it because you know, it is actually the right answer for your family that day. It's so much easier to stay grounded in your leadership. And your kids are watching you for that. They are watching how you hold your body and your posture. They're feeling the energy that's rolling off you. And so if you are able to really model for them what making hard decisions looks and sounds like and put language to it, they are going to be part of your team and part of your collaborative problem-solving unit.
Hunter (11:09)
Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
Yeah, like, I'm listening to you, I'm hearing you, and I'm making a decision that I'm making for the best of everybody. Even if it's something you may not like, but that idea of my, you know, my parent really sees me and cares about me. That's the same thing as that we want in, yeah, in a, in a workplace. Like I'm being seen, I'm being heard, I'm being respected and you know, the ideas are being considered.
Cara Tyrrell:
Yes, and two people can have different opinions and it's okay. Yes. I think that what happens when we are in overwhelm as parents with little kids and our brain is on all the places is that the overwhelm takes over to the point where we actually auto disconnect. And that's the opposite of what we were going for. So if we are able to say to ourselves, in this moment, I'm incredibly overwhelmed. And then tell that small human I love so very much, I am overwhelmed right now. My body is tensing up, my fists are clenching, my heart is racing. I need to make a decision, but I'm not quite ready. I need to move through my overwhelm first. I don't think there's anything more powerful. Asking a three-year-old to take a deep breath and calm down, there's a time and there's a place for that. But showing that you are someone who also feels that way and it's not a good feeling in your body is far more powerful.
Hunter:
I couldn't agree more with you when you say that, know, and parents ask me that all the time, you know, and I talk about naming the feelings that you're having, describing them just as you did, the physical symptoms of the feelings of the stress, et cetera. And parents really worry about, I don't want to put my feelings on my kid. I don't want to make my kid responsible for my feelings. And what I say to that, what I observe is that your kids already know something's up because they have amazing BS detectors, right? They know this. They know something. So it's, it's, it, I think it would feel safer to have a parent calmly say clearly what is, what is clearly happening and name it than to have it be this unspoken threatening thing.
Cara Tyrrell:
Yes, and we don't give kids enough credit. They are capable of so much more emotional gymnastics than we know. And here's why. As adults, we are brain keepers. The minute we have a feeling, an emotion, we go directly to our cognitive brain to try to solve it. Kids don't do that. Kids are feelers. They're in their hearts all the time. And so the minute they have a big feeling, they feel it. And so it can be really wonderful when you get out of your head and let what you're feeling come out of your mouth. They will show up with empathy and compassion that you didn't even know they had in the moment. And now what have you done? You have re-anchored the connection and the two of you can move forward to try to solve the problem.
Hunter: Yeah, yeah, that's beautiful. I love the way you explain that. And then if you're a working parent, your kid has probably that wonderful situation with multiple attachment figures where they may have lots of caretakers, which is beautiful. It's like the village, right? We had many, many years ago, but it also may, you know, they're in a world where everything is new if you're toddler. Sometimes things are overwhelming. For working parents who feel rushed or short on time with their kids, what's one small daily ritual that can make a difference helping their child to feel grounded?
Cara Tyrrell:
I tell parents to build five minutes of time. Four, they absolutely have to leave the house. And ideally 10, but if five is all you have when you get home at the end of the day. That is child led. And there's two reasons this is really powerful. One is to get out the door in time, you have to do all the things. Well, if you spend all your time in power struggle trying to get them to do the things, you leave the house in an emotional state that nobody wants to be in. If they know that their routine is that when that timer gets set for those last five minutes before we get in the car, they get to choose the book, the puzzle, the activity, whatever the play-doh, whatever it is, it is just you and them and their leading the play. So you're creating connection before you leave the door. And in those times, you can have conversation, right? You can be playing while saying things like, I know Miss Tracy is very excited to see you: she just became your teacher a few days ago. It must be a little overwhelming to get to know somebody new, right? So you are still scaffolding those relationships that you just talked about, but you are doing it through the safety of the nurtured relationship that you have with your child while giving them the control for five whole minutes. So you're meeting that need for autonomy, you're meeting them in their world, which is a little slower, and then using the language of play- which is the language toddlers speak, right?
And then on the other side of the day, knowing that they're going to be more depleted. They've used a lot of their energy and resources to get through. And so what I find when I talk to toddler parents is they say things like, the minute we get home, they're a puddle on the floor. yeah, they are here. It's going to be the reality anyway, that they need a space to just let it all out. Well, then give them the space to do it. When we get home, those first 10 minutes are yours. What does your body feel like it needs today? Does it need to run and play outside or jump on the trampoline? Does it need to do some coloring? Does it need to do some reading? What are you feeling you're needing to do right now at the end of a long day? And now you're teaching them some self-soothing and some self-regulation strategies and how to listen to their body. We're so busy that even as adults, we don't stop and listen to what our bodies are telling us, we just keep pushing through. So if we could break that generational cycle, I'd call it a win.
Hunter:
Yeah, that would be nice. And yeah, and it's nice to have some freedom and some space and some openness. I love this idea for these anchors of, you know, it's kind of like special time, right? Or I'm here, you can lead that mindful special time. I'm just paying attention to you. We got all the stuff done. You know, I'm thinking about the parents who are like, my God, I'm always late, but you hack your timers to set them early. But I think that could be really, really grounding. And how nice to leave in such a nice way rather than they're screaming because you're forcing the shoes on them or whatever it is.
Cara Tyrrell:
Yeah, those days were not fun. We had many a moment where I said, well, I guess you're getting in the car barefoot and I live in southern Vermont. Yeah, yeah, we had the, we had the, I'm putting your clothes in the bag, this baggie and we're going to school in your pajamas day. That only happened once though, so that was nice. There was a little like, here I am. I have to change my clothes in my preschool classroom.
Hunter:
Wow, that is amazing. Same.
Cara Tyrrell (22:04)
You know, to that end, I really just feel like parents need to follow what feels right in the moment, right? Is it really the end of the world if your child shows up in their pajamas? It's not. If that meant that you had a peaceful exit from the house, okay. I think we hold our, we were talking earlier about how we hold ourselves to such high standards. We hold our kids to really high standards too. And okay, one day they were able to put their shoes on all by themselves. Yippity doo da day. That doesn't mean it might be the case every day. Just because they do something once doesn't mean I can now expect it all the time. We are in flux and we have to show flexibility if we expect them to show flexibility.
Hunter:
Yeah, yeah, that was a big mistake in thinking I had. was like, now you're going to put your pants on by yourself forever. This is not the battle to die on. Dear listener, I can tell you that. Okay, let's talk about language. You say that what we say to toddlers really shapes how they think about themselves and the world. So what are five things you believe we should say to toddlers every single day?
Cara Tyrrell (23:18)
All right, so first let me just say that this is my passion space. I'm a linguist, and so we don't realize what we, the meaning that comes out of our mouth is not the meaning that people receive on the other end, and that's very often true no matter what relationship you're in. So there's five things that words do. And they foster connection and collaboration. They can. They design this sense of self in that early identity. They develop your emotional awareness and your self-regulation skills. They also can trigger the brain to start a cognitive problem-solving process. And that's something we really want to lean into as well. And then words empower early choice-making and ownership of those natural consequences. And who doesn't want kids to own that? So five things we need to say to them every day. And please know this is in a positive light or a negative moment, they can be used in both, are I hear you, I hear that you would really like that cookie, right, you're not going to give it to them, but you can hear that they want it. Acknowledgement they crave but we all crave we all want to be acknowledged we don't want our to be yes. We all want to be acknowledged. I believe you. This one is really powerful because not only do we want to be acknowledged, we want people to believe us. What's coming out of our words, out of our mouths feels true. And even if it's not. So if I have a little kiddo who is saying to me, my daddy's truck is blue, I'll say, I believe you. I saw your dad's red truck. I corrected the color, but I didn't correct the child.
Hunter (25:17)
Hmm. That's confusing to me. If I say, believe you and I saw your dad's red truck, aren't I being like kind of weird and contradictory in that moment?
Cara Tyrrell:
Well, think about the opposite strategy. I could say, no, your dad's truck is red. So now I've negated them. They don't know their colors yet. You know, they're just this little tiny toddler who doesn't know. And so if I negate you and I start my sentence with no, you're automatically on the defense and then I can't have a further conversation with you because now you're going to be emotionally blocking me.
Hunter:
I guess I would feel like I would worry that if I said something like that, then I'm not being trustworthy. You know what I mean? That I'm kind of like saying something that's untrue. And I say, believe you that you're the truck is blue, red or whatever. And then maybe I would say something totally different. Like, yeah, is it loud to ride in your dad's truck or something like a direct coverage in a different direction. But I can understand how I believe you might be- to this particular instance of “I believe you”. Imagine there are lots of good instances to use it.
Cara Tyrrell (26:42)
Yeah, there are very many and they just want to be believed. I don't feel like kids, mean, they're a perfect example, Hunter, of how you as a well-educated, learned adult went straight to your cognitive brain and said, this doesn't seem right, let me see if I can solve it. But they're not there. And they will eventually be the one who says, hey, my dad's red truck just got here because now they're going to learn their colors. And in that case, I say, I agree with you. And that's another one that our kids need to hear us say every day, “I agree with you”. I imagine that one's pretty rare in a toddler's life- “I agree with you”. And you can agree with them on all kinds of different things, even if they were essentially part of the plan. So toddlers are really famous for just like shouting out information. Right? And so you'll be eating lunch and they'll say after lunch, it's nap time. And that's a great opportunity to say, I agree with you. After lunch, we do go down and have a rest. And so you can slip these in in places where you're just going to be having normal conversation anyway.
Hunter (28:11)
Okay, I like it. Yeah, and that would feel very empowering to me as a toddler, I imagine.
Cara Tyrrell:
Yeah. And then the fourth one is I trust you. And we want to feel trusted. want to feel that. all these four things really encompass, I love you, which is what we tend to say. Right? We tend to say, love you. I don't know how many times a day, and that's wonderful. But when you say these other four phrases, you're actually connecting inside that identity that you're building in them in a way that makes them feel comprehensively loved instead of just told that they are loved.
Hunter:
Yeah, it's more specific. And that feeling that I trust you, that's wonderful because I imagine that would lead to wanting to feel trustworthy later. You know, at some point, a lot of us are gonna explain to our kids like, hey, when you tell me X and it's not true, it makes it so I can't trust you, right? We have this conversation, right? We kind of all have this conversation as parents. And so if you've already established the feeling of I believe you and I trust you and that all those good feelings that go along with that, then you're really priming your kid to want to be trustworthy.
Cara Tyrrell (29:38)
You are. And you know, this one is really especially powerful for toddlers because they also, like they tell you random odd things, they also make promises without potentially expecting to keep them. And they're like, no, no, I'll clean up in two minutes. Promise, two minutes, promise. And this is a great opportunity for you to say, I trust you. I trust that in two minutes, you are going to clean up your toys just like you said you would. And you're building that action that goes along with the words.
Hunter:
Okay, so what happens when two minutes goes by, five minutes goes by and they don't clean up their toys?
Cara Tyrrell:
Yeah, I mean, when the two minutes is done, I'm the one to pop in and say, two minutes is over. I remember you said in two minutes you would pick up your toys. Would you like to do that all by yourself? Because we want to feed the independence beast if that's there and that's in them. Or would you like me to help you? I am not setting them up to always have to do everything by themselves.
Hunter (30:49)
Mm-hmm. The want is to get to the other side of the cleanup so that we can celebrate it. You said you would, and you did. I know I can trust you now. I love this. I love this sort of setup. That's a great. All right, so this is the language that we can use. I trust you, I believe you, I agree with you. I got three of them. Hold on, Kara, help me. I hear you. And, you of course, I love you of course.
Cara Tyrrell (31:20)
I hear you. I love you. Yeah, and I love you. want you to use on both sides of the token as well. Like you are allowed to say things like, I'm feeling really frustrated right now. I don't love your choice that you're making, but I love you so much. You can still build it in in the moments where you're in a potential power struggle zone.
Hunter (31:51)
Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
Cara, so many parents rely on screens to get through the day. And sometimes it's the only way for a working parent to take a shower or finish a work call. But we're also seeing the research on how certain platforms erode attention span and lead to more dysregulated behavior for kids. how can parents strike the balance of this technology without shame?
Cara Tyrrell:
Yeah, well, step one is you have to decide in your household what is the amount of technology that you're going to use in a day and then release whatever shame you think you should have around it. Because we know that as the COVID epidemic came and left us, we had kids who were primed to believe that screens would be in front of them more than we had originally wanted. And so, you know, there's some backtracking that had to happen there. But one thing that I always tell parents to tell their kids is technology is a tool, it's not a toy. And when you say that to them, then you can say to them what it is you're using it for. Technology is a tool. I need 30 minutes to do the dishes and take a shower.
And so here you can use this tool for 30 minutes so that I can get done what I need to do and I can come back and be with you again, you know, or reconnect with you again. because when kids have a belief system that it is a toy or it's entertainment, they're just going to seek more and more and more of that. We all do. But when they know there's finite limits around it and there's a purpose behind the use of it, we have a better entryway to be able to have more conversation around it. And I actually just read just a very, very scary statistic that our youth today are on par to spend more than, my gosh, what was the number? It was a terrifying number. More than five years, I believe it was, of their life in front of screens.
Hunter:
Yeah. And that's not just here, watch a 20 minute show, right? Their lives are being designed to be screen oriented with school being part of it as well. so creating those limitations in your household, owning what that's going to be, picking the time of day that it happens every day. So it's very predictable.
Cara Tyrrell (37:33)
And at 10 in the morning, if you're at the weekend, you can say, you really wish that you could have your show. Hmm, you know your show happens at 5.30 p.m., right? That it's a place and it's a time in your home. And if you can do this bordering, then you have a fighting chance to raise a kiddo who is capable of managing their own screen impulses and that's really the goal because they're not going away.
Hunter:
That's true. And on the other side of it, I don't know if you heard this, listener, but I did the episode interviewing my 18 year old daughter- came out recently in May- and she actually thanked me for having limits on her screen time when she was little. And she has shown herself able to limit her technology. She took TikTok off her phone at some point a number of years ago. So what Cara's saying is borne out by my experience anyway: it can be hard and I imagine their parents listening, you know, gotten it stuck into a tech heavier chain, whether it's from the pandemic or just was making things easier at a hard time, even though it can make things harder in the long run. So for those parents who may be stuck in a tech-heavy routine, where can they begin to make some small, sustainable shifts to scale it back?
Cara Tyrrell:
Well, again, we're talking about working parents here, right? And we know that they have a limited amount of FaceTime with their kiddo in a day. And so I would start right there. I would pick that percentage of that morning routine that you are using a screen, and I would cut it by 50%. And then I would pick that percentage of your evening routine, and I would cut it by 50%. Kids can tolerate a 50 % cut. They're not on there for the whole two hours. I know they're not because you have other things you have to get done. And if screens have become part of your meal time, that's the first place to remove them from. Because if you're seeking connection, you want to have that clean and clear area around you to connect.
Hunter:
Yeah, I agree. love these shifts. Okay, a lot of working parents are carrying guilt. You're missing moments. You might be distracted. You might feel like you're not doing enough. How do you help parents reframe this guilt into something more constructive?
Cara Tyrrell:
I'm a huge believer in I am affirmations and designing your own. And your I am affirmations come from a place of your deep goals and your deep why. Why did you choose a career? Well, there was a really good reason for it. And so tap into that. And when I was a preschool teacher with preschoolers, I had to do that myself. I am someone who values little people and being a change maker in the early years of their life so much that I choose to do this during the day and I choose to do it at home as well. And so when you anchor yourself in a really strong statement reminding yourself why you do something you show up better and it releases those little demons that are trying to get through and tell you stories that aren't real. I am someone who loves my children so much that I choose to be fully present for the next five minutes while they decide what we're playing. And it also keeps you grounded moment to moment. And the last thing I'll say on that is I really want people to understand. where they are that day is good enough. And I say to people all the time, you are the exact right parent for your toddler today in this moment. You might show up differently tomorrow, you might have shown up differently yesterday, but how you're showing up right now takes thought and intention. And if you are doing that, then you're the exact right person right now.
Hunter:
I love that. And the affirmations I think are so nice because our brain's default setting is negativity bias, right? Like that's just a human default setting. So your brain is naturally, of course, gonna like notice the mishaps, notice the things I didn't say so well, or notice the bad day, or the notice the, you know, the lack of energy, notice the distraction. Of course, we're going to notice all that because that's just how the brain works. So to actively train your brain to, you know, I am choosing to model a healthy, balanced life for my kid. I'm choosing to model contribution to the world. I am choosing to be present in this moment, right? Is to actively practice what you want to grow stronger, which is so great.
Cara Tyrrell:
And also joy. Yeah. We chose to have kids for moments of joy. And they won't always be that, but we can find those pockets of peace and those pockets of joy if we prime ourselves with those mindset shifts before we go into moments of connection, before we go into the bed and snuggle down and open the book. The way that shifts your energy is totally palpable to them and they'll sink down even lower into it and that moment will become an even stronger relationship builder.
Hunter (44:13)
Okay, so just let's shift for a second to think about the bigger picture. Here in the United States, working parents get so little support compared to other countries. If you could maybe wave a magic wand and change one thing about how our society supports or doesn't support working parents of toddlers, what would it be?
Cara Tyrrell (44:36)
One thing I would really, I would really support, if I could wave my magic wand, would be that. teachers and parents would get to hang out together. That they would even get some of the same training and professional development because this thing called teaching is actually the parent's first job and it starts at birth, right? Parents are their kid's first teacher. And so if the education system and the parenting paradigm became a team. Wouldn't that be amazing? They could lean on each other and they could just understand so much more about who that little human is. And I just think that kids would bloom way sooner as far as all the school readiness skills.
Hunter:
Yeah, if I could put, you know, mindful parenting into schools for parents of zero year olds, right? Like, and then one year olds and two year olds, imagine if parents could just go every year to school and refresh on some, you know, parenting skills to lower reactivity, to communicate more skillfully. That would be amazing. I love that vision. Wow. That's really cool.
Cara Tyrrell (46:19)
Yeah, and I mean, never, as you said, this is a really unique time in our history as a country and education looks like it might be completely renovated. So what an amazing time to champion a big change.
Hunter:
I like that idea. Okay, so let's leave on this. When you're working with a tired, worried parent who's in survival mode, what's one thing you tell them to remind them that what they're doing matters?
Cara Tyrrell:
When I'm working with people who are in survival mode, the first thing is I tell them all the things that I say to tell to toddlers, right? And then I want them to know that their kids are not gonna remember what they said that day. They're not going to remember that the plate didn't get put in the sink. They're going to remember who you were that day. That this idea of our who-ness needs to be such a deep-seated part of our parenting, and we need to look at our kids that way too. Like, if you can show up authentically as you that day, whatever that looked and sounded like, and your kiddo's not judging you for it, because they're tiny, right? Then your child can show up however is their authentic self that day, and you're not going to judge them for it either. And so who we are raising, the qualities and the characteristics and the values and the morals, those are our North Star. Those guide us to get through every day. The rest of it is actually very unimportant.
And it won't even play on our memory. I mean, you and I are there. We can look back and we can hand pick a few of those, wow, okay, major meltdown, had to leave the restaurant, everyone was looking at me moments. Sure. But mostly when we teleport back, I, I'll speak for myself, I experience a memories. I experienced memories of those loving, connected, joyful moments where I watched my children step into the next best level of themselves and knew that all the hard work that I put in that felt kind of like a failure day after day after day was the reason they were ready to do it.
And love that you point out this, authenticity of being yourself, not this perfect role of like the perfect mom or dad, not the role, right? Not this someone who never makes any mistakes, right? Cause who can connect with a role, but a real human, you know, imperfectly imperfect person. I'll just share- if you don't mind- my culminating moment: I have a 20-year-old and a 22-year-old, and they say it takes a lifetime to get all that back that you were looking for, and it's kind of true, everyone. Dig in your heels, get ready, but it comes eventually. And so I got a text from, she was 21 at the moment when she moved away, my 21-year-old- and it's this absolutely beautiful text- and it says, “Thank you for always letting me be who I needed to be when I needed to be her. I am who I am today because you let me do that.”
Hunter:
My god. That's awesome.
Cara Tyrrell:
I had tears that day: many, many times. And that's like showing up with kindness and curiosity, right? Letting that openness, that acceptance to be say, who are you today? And let me accept and be curious.
Hunter:
That's so beautiful. I love that so much. Well, Cara Tyrrell, thank you so much for coming on the Mindful Mama podcast. It's been such a pleasure to meet with you and connect with you. There’s some sort of big things you're working on in the back end, but you might not be ready to share those yet. So where can people find out more about you and connect with you?
Cara Tyrrell:
Well first of all, thank you. Thank you so much. I shared with you the first time that I met you that you have been on my I can't wait to meet list for so long. And so this is just a really special episode for me to be with you. And the very best way to get to know me and to check out all my resources is come over and listen to my podcast. It's called “Transforming the Toddler Years”. I do two episodes a week. Tuesdays are short. They're like 10, 12 minutes. They're teaching episodes. And then Thursdays, I bring on guests and shower you with all of their wisdom and knowledge and expertise. And if you feel like you're really aligning with the collaborative parenting methodology that I teach, then go ahead and download some of my resources and let's start a conversation. I just really want you to get to know me a bit more and that's the best place to do it.
Hunter:
Yeah, I love talking to a podcaster because you're already listening to podcast. So you can just go listen there. This is so wonderful. This has been such a pleasure. really, really appreciate it. I appreciate you and your perspective and everything you bring to it. So thanks for being here.
Cara Tyrrell (52:28)
Thank you.
Hunter:
Thank so much for listening. Hope you enjoyed this conversation. it helped today, that makes such a big, big difference. And let me know what you thought. I'm @MindfulMamaMentor on the socials and I would love to hear what you think. So I hope this episode helped you this week and I'm wishing you a wonderful, wonderful week, my friend. Namaste.
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