Family lawyer and mother whose mission it is to transform families post separation and divorce by sharing powerful tools that consciously move them from high conflict to peace and heart-centered co-parenting. To learn more, visit her website at www.consciouscoparenting.ca.
Radhika Lakhani
40-50% of couples will get divorced.
How can we do it better?
Loss of a relationship can be a major trauma, and when you add kids into the mix, and co-parenting with your ex… well, there’s just a lot to work out there.
How does one separate, be mindful of your kids, and be true to your own values? Radhika Lakhani, divorce attorney and mindfulness teacher, talks to us about a new path forward.
Relisten: Mindful Divorce - Radhika Lakhani (230) [488]
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Hunter: Hey there, it's Hunter, and welcome to Throwback Thursday. Most Thursdays, we are going to re release one of my favorite episodes from the archives. So unless you're a long time listener of the show, there's a good chance you haven't heard this one yet. And even if you had, chances are that you are going to get something new listening to it this time around.
[00:00:19] Radhika: Healing for yourself, healing for your view of your former spouse. and healing for your entire family. And beyond healing, what's possible is creating your dream life.
[00:00:31] Hunter: You're listening to the Mindful Mama podcast, episode number 230. Today, we're talking about mindful divorce with Radhika Lakhani.
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting podcast. Here, it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Parenting, We know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you've calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host Hunter Clark Fields. I help smart thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course. And I'm the author of the international bestseller, Raising Good Humans, and now, Raising Good Humans Every Day, 50 Simple Ways to Press Pause, Stay Present, and Connect with Your Kids. Welcome back to the podcast, my friend.
I am so glad you are here today, and a brand new welcome to you if you are new. I'm so glad you're here. Uh, in just a moment, I am going to be sitting down with Radhika Lakhani. She's a family lawyer and a mother whose mission it is to transform families. Post separation and divorce by sharing powerful tools that can consciously move them from high conflict to peace and heart centered parenting.
And this is an important conversation because whether you are happily married, whether you are single, whether you're going through a divorce, we talk about tools that actually apply to many, many, many of us and to, in fact, all parents. But the truth is that 50 to 40 to 50 percent of couplers are going to get divorced.
So we want to be able to do it better. We've never talked about this before on the podcast. I'm so happy to do it today. And you know, loss of relationship can be a pretty big trauma. So we want to do this consciously for our kids because we're going to be co parenting with this ex for a while. So how can we do, can we have a better path forward?
We're going to talk about. How the legal process pushes us to find external solutions, which are actually kind of disempowering. How alternative dispute resolution focuses on each party's needs and mindful resolution goes further to ask why. And listen for the takeaway that we must start the way we want to finish.
And I think that's a really important piece in this. All right. Now, without further ado, let's dive into this conversation. With Radhika Lakhani. Brad, thanks for coming on the Mindful Mama podcast. My pleasure. I'm, I'm so glad you're here, and this is the first time we're ever going to talk about divorce on the Mindful Mama podcast, and I'm so excited for, to talk to you about it with you because you're taking this, this thing, which is painful and difficult and scary.
For parents or even, uh, especially for individuals who may be in a relationship that they don't like and want to take those steps but are scared, they don't want to hurt their children. There's a lot that goes on with this issue and to approach it more consciously, the way you're doing, is I think, um, is very powerful.
So I'd love for you to just start us off by telling, telling us a little bit about what, what are the problems that you're seeing with couples separating?
[00:04:04] Radhika: Right. Okay. So, I mean, the biggest challenge that people have is that the legal process is very limited, right? And so for me as a lawyer, which kind of segued into how I got in wanting to do this formally and to teach consciousness.
for parents formally was because they would always look to external power to empower themselves through this challenging process, right? So it's like, well, he's the asshole. Sorry, I should have probably just started here. He's the, you know, the guy, the problem, she's the problem. Of course, I have male and female clients, mamas and papas.
And it was always looking at this external solution for their, um, their problems. Right? So it's like, well, let's get the judge to tell him. How this is not okay, or let's get the lawyer to write a letter. And so what ends up happening is that I feel like people lose themselves through this process. And of course, divorce and separation is such a challenging.
That to take and to go through. And like you said, you have the, the counter thoughts about what's going to happen to my child. Am I going to lose my child? There's all this fear and anxiety that comes present, which prevents people from thinking clearly. Right? So there's a lot of aspects of this process that becomes very disempowering for people.
And because the legal system is so limited, you know, and I'm a lawyer, so I'd like to. You know, bring a good favor towards the legal system, but it is limited, right? We can only write so many letters. We can only bring so much resolution if parties are not empowered, seen clearly. Operating from a place of love as opposed to a place of fear.
So I think when, if we're talking about it from a mindfulness perspective, I see that that is one of the greatest challenge.
[00:06:01] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, the way you described that is really clear. I mean, the, as we know, we've talked to us so many times in this podcast, fear and anxiety, that's our stress response.
Our stress response is keeping us from the higher order thinking. It's key. It's, it's literally bypassing the upper parts of the brain. And so. We are reactive and that is disempowering. And then, and this is, this is not something you, uh, have gone through personally, but this is something that you have dealt with as the lawyer for other people going through.
[00:06:34] Radhika: That's right. And, um, you know, it's funny cause I look back at my life and you can always connect the dots backwards. Um, and the. The amazing thing is when I think about why did I end up in family law, right, of all areas, I have a business background, you'd think I'd be like a commercial litigator or something.
I've personally experienced major separation from my family. I was 16 when my parents decided to move to Canada,
[00:06:57] Hunter: which was
[00:06:58] Radhika: a fun little experience for me growing up in Toronto. Um, and when I was 31, we lost our first child at delivery. Um, so in my own way, going through separation from family, having family upkeep law.
Lost, right? Um, and so what always worked for me was the, you know, the spiritual or the mindfulness practices that I had to create my new life. And so when clients would come to me with their own challenges, with their own fog, with their own disempowerment, While I always gave them the legal advice that they came to my office for, I felt like I didn't serve them fully if I didn't also give them these other tools.
And I would do it for free, and I would do it after our appointment, and I never felt comfortable charging for it, right? Because I thought, well, that's not as important, but I realized over the last 15 years that that's actually the best part of what I was providing, right? Is to give people clarity back, to give them a vision for their future and to remind them that this too shall pass and that they are conscious creators and that They have so much more power than they ever thought, but part of being empowered, the other side of the coin, is taking responsibility, right, for where we're at.
And sometimes that's a hard pill for people to swallow because, like you said, that fear response is often, causes us to, um, look outside of our environment, right? And in the, in the original way that we were created biologically, fear and danger look like a saber toothed tiger. Now when we're in this fear of response and then divorce, it's the other person, right?
Mm-Hmm. . It's, um, money. It's all these external elements. So I think my personal themes also really infused this whole way of lawyering for myself, which, um, yeah, again, it, it always felt so much more rewarding in my clients. It would land so much better with them. You could see their eyes light up when they realized.
that, um, there are other things they could do other than engage a lawyer, which, of course, ends up becoming a very expensive process if you can't take responsibility, don't have power, don't have clarity, because now you are giving instructions to your lawyer through a very mudding lens.
[00:09:24] Hunter: So, so you, so yeah.
So as you're using the tools. You, at some point along the line with your own family of people and whatnot, you learn the tools of mindfulness to your thinking, perhaps meditation. You know, I'd love to learn more, but basically that, that this, this clear seeing is to help us become empowered. And I really like what you're saying about the other side of empowered is be taking responsibility.
And, and kind of what you're pointing to in a lot of ways is that that's pretty interesting to me is that what you said in the beginning is that we look to the external solution. to solve our problems. And I think that's the way, I always think, you know, what is in the micro is in the macro, right? Like, we are I say that all the time.
Yeah, like we're in a society that, you know, generally we're many, most people are raised in authoritarian families. You're Um, so I'm not taught to just do what the authority says, you know, respect authority blindly. And you have external validation. You have reward or punishment for your achievement. So you learn to go for external validation, like grades or, or, or rewards and punishment and things like that.
So that it almost sounds like that. That we're, then we're taking that in our suffering, in our, you know, in this habit to our divorce, and then looking to this external kind of, this authority for validation of what the suffering we've been having, and kind of what you're saying is that, This, you're, you're saying people, as we can empower ourselves with clear thinking, we can then look at ourselves and say, okay, also, how, how am I, how am I engaging?
How am I contributing to this, the problems as well? Is that?
[00:11:07] Radhika: Exactly. Exactly. The reality is being in the human conflict world for almost 20 years now, there is no conflict without two parties. And in the beginning of my career, I really got on the bandwagon of my individual clients because I love people.
And so I would connect with them at the heart level and I would want to advocate for them. And then what would happen was really funny. I'd go into the meeting. I would see the other parents. I like them too. And they would tell a story that was quite compelling. Right. And I thought, Oh my God. So who's right here?
And what I realized very quickly is that we're never going to solve these problems if we try to figure out who's right, because the reality is, is that everyone's right, everyone is doing the best they can from the ones that they have, from the experiences, the conditioning, negative, positive, from their childhoods, um, their experiences.
And so the path forward is to, again, go within and empower yourself and possibly consider. From that new higher vantage point that the other person is doing the best that they can, which is a really hard thing for people to see on day one, right? It's a big ask. It's a big ask. It's a big ask. And I think we can't ask parents to do that until we acknowledge their wounds, right?
Until a person has had an opportunity to be acknowledged and recognized and seen and heard, uh, which I try to do first with my clients, um, that's And then gently we start to just introduce tools. That would allow somebody on their own experientially to expand and clear their lens, right? And so this is what I share with people is that your perspective is really everything.
And the reality about trauma is that when you're in trauma, which loss of a marriage in many ways is a major trauma, right? Like some people, studies equate trauma Divorce with looks like a death. It's the death of a dream. It's the death of the vision you had for your family. It's the death of the family photos and albums and memories and plans.
And so how can you make major decisions about your everything? You know, in a separation agreement, we deal with everything. Your pension, your house, your income, your, your dog, your kids, your everything. So how do we make those big decisions? How do we get clients to make these life altering plans? When they're in trauma.
[00:13:41] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
[00:13:49] Radhika: So what I try to do is try to empower people during the process and then even after the process, because sometimes we make our way through the process. And then what we realized is that my clients don't stop calling me. You know, whether it's one day where I had a client, um, who booked herself into my calendar because I have a booking system and I said to my staff, Marina, my right hand, you know, Christine's coming in next week.
Do you know why? Because the agreement got signed, high fives. Like we were so happy for her that we were finally able to achieve some common ground with her. And they would still come in because they still couldn't deal with their ex. You know, I have clients who have said to me, When I have to call him, I get anxiety attacks.
When, uh, when he says to me how crappy of a mother I am, I get triggered. Right? And Now, so now, you know, at 300 and whatever an hour, recalling it just seems so ineffective, right? And the, the reality of law is that there's no shortage of business and family satisfaction comes from seeing people launch, right?
So, um, I think as professionals, um, and as people going through this process, if they could find some tools, like the stuff that you talk about on your podcast, the mindfulness, cause that's really where it all starts, right? You can't change your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions, vision. without mindfulness practice to know knowing what your aren't thoughts are.
Exactly. So, um, I think it's helpful as a practitioner. To be able to give that tool to others. Um, and it's also a really great tool for me to have, right? Because if I haven't resolved my triggers, how can I help someone else? So I actually also work with lawyers on, with consciousness tools.
[00:15:38] Hunter: So yeah, it's my jam
They're so, they're, they're so universal, these tools. I mean, it's a, it, so, yeah. Interesting, you know, as we take these perspectives into specific situations. And it's really interesting to see that in so many ways, like the needs are so similar, right? In my mindful parenting course, I teach the mindfulness to lower our reactivity, a self understanding and how to communicate.
Right. But that's exactly what you're talking about. And then that's exactly what I was just talking to, to a client about what they need. And as the, the nurse anesthetist of the world, she wants to help teach them like how to do those things. Like, that's so interesting. But I wanna go back to what you, you, something you said, which is that, um.
That you, we're never going to be able to solve these problems if we try to decide who is right, and it's really interesting, right, and because that's also the same as what I teach, right, it's like that we have a habit energy, we have a habit and a culture to blame, find out who is right, to place blame, and to apply punishment to that blame, that person, right?
And so, do you, uh, on the other side of that, in my world, is like, we start to look at what are the needs, what needs aren't being met, and is that how you start to approach, um, going into a divorce more mindfully with, with both parties? So say that one, one more time for me, what is the last piece? Rather than, rather than placing blame, looking at everyone's needs, right?
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Is that how you approach the, a more mindful divorce? Like what, what would the picture of a more mindful divorce look like?
[00:17:23] Radhika: Great question. Great question. The reality is, is that the fundamentals of dispute resolution is always to find what are the needs. It's exactly what you asked, right?
Alternative Dispute Resolution, which is like mediation, negotiation, collaborative law, for those who have heard of that, which is a phenomenal process. If you haven't, look it up, it's all over North America and the world. Um, all of that is designed to say, okay, fine, we have the law, we have a legal system, and you have rights.
But forget the rights for just a moment. What do you each need?
[00:17:56] Radhika: What do the children need, right? And I think, so that's your standard, good, legal, alternative dispute resolution process. I think the mindfulness spin on that, I would say is to go one step further to ask why, right? What are the true driving forces here?
Because again, as you know, as a mindfulness coach and guide and mentor, um, there is the ego driven agenda or feat, which is fear and lack and scarcity and all those things, right? Which are valid. And then there's the love and the trust and the integrity and the The wholeness of the family, right? And you'd be amazed at how many clients in line, when I say to them, you realize he's going to be in your life.
Forever. And I'm talking about their ex and I'm, I'll say him 'cause we're mindful Mom podcast here. Okay. But of course it always goes both ways and sometimes it, it, it still like, makes me laugh, but sometimes they're so sweet that they, they're shocked . Right. And I'm thinking, wow, you seem surprised because you are co-parenting Jill.
Of course, we're talking about cases where there are children or just most of my cases, um, that you are gonna be in each other's lives forever. So how are you going to make this work as a whole? Because you're still kind of family. You're, you're related to this person, to this beautiful being or multiple children beings, right?
And so what would love do in the situation? And love would connect all of you and all of your needs from a holistic view, right? So like I said to you at the beginning of my career, I thought being, being a good lawyer was advocating for my client and getting them a great deal. And I, you know, I kind of am a negotiator at heart, right?
So, um, that's kind of how I started, but. And even before I had kids, I realized that's not going to work. So what are the needs of each of you as individuals? And then what are the needs as a family, as the new family, right? Because as we know, divorces are commonplace today, as they should be. People should be able to pursue love and happiness in their own form.
But the goal here, I think for all of us is to reduce the conflict for the children. Right? So how do we do this? From a mindful perspective. And so, again, it kind of circles back to that whole paradigm of fear versus love, equal versus centeredness, right? And mindfulness. And so, I talk a lot to the parents about what is your intention, kind of like what's your why.
Right? So what is your intention to ask for the house or why do you want this schedule? Or is this linked to really to child support? Or is this really about the children? Right? And like you, I say, you know, what's true in the macro is true in the micro. And I really, really feel that. And so I, I work with them to understand.
Intention on a macro level, right? So our whole agreement needs a macro, good, pure intention. And then also how intention's actually really powerful on a micro level when you're communicating with that parent. So before you send that text message about Susie's soccer class for the missing gym uniform or whatever it is, right?
Which is what keeps my phone ringing off the hook. Um, the, do you know what I mean? Like these are some realities that people are, yeah, that people are struggling with. It's Are you able to enter a space where you're receiving this in a, um, heart centered space, right? And if you have to walk away from it and come back to it, that's okay too, right?
Some persons can do that. Um, and what is your intention and anchor yourself to that intention before you communicate with your ex? And it's a game changer. Like I have clients coming back to me. All the time. He'll say to me, Wow, it was so different, like, and then he responded like this, and I didn't trigger it.
And right. So there's all these, um, these tools that we're talking about that can be used at the macro. But yes, needs is huge. Needs is huge. Shift.
[00:22:15] Hunter: Real needs, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Shifting that awareness. Yeah. Like not solutions, but what are the underlying needs? What are the underlying needs? So we're, I love that, that you're working to sort of like shift that awareness.
So, no, how Just,
[00:22:30] Radhika: yeah, just to give you one example, sorry. Yeah, please. Just so I can kind of like crystallize it for someone, right? There are people who will say in an agreement, I have to have the house or I have to have a million bucks coming out of this thing, right? And so if we ask ourselves why we need that, we can really get to, you know, is this fear, you know, I have clients who grew up poor and you know, where money was really scarce and so this whole thought of not having a joint income is very triggering, right?
So if we're able to work on that and feel that, then perhaps we can think a bit more rationally about, okay, what would be fair and what would be sufficient, right? What would be more than enough?
[00:23:08] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah. So we're not coming from this. This wounded and fearful place where we're working on that in ourselves and then seeing more clearly.
I love this. It's so awesome. So, so I would, I'm curious, how do you help people listen to each other when, um, like when difficult or strained communication may have been part of the problem in the first place?
[00:23:37] Radhika: Yeah. So again, I think it comes down to a big part of the communication for me is understanding who you are, where you want to go, and why, right?
And what does that look like on an individual level for you? What's your new mission statement for yourself? And what's your new mission statement for your family? And then how do we, um, Do we bring that back into what you're about to offer or suggest or communicate? Um, also in a, in like a mediation setting, what's really helpful is remembering your common goals, right?
So where people overlap is, is where the juice is. Right? So, um, somebody might say, I want A, B, C and the other person might say, well, I care about B, C, D. We would focus on, okay, so here we are, and you've both said to me that your kid's health is important and keeping your kids in private school is going to be kind of a priority for you guys for the various reasons, right?
And focusing on what's common. as opposed to, um, what the individual wants is really helpful. And also the other tool that's really helpful is trying to detox your statement, right? And, and I think that sometimes offer balls on the professional as well, right? Um, that's our job as like a mediator, for instance, where, you know, one might say, you know, always, she's feeding the kids bonbons till three in the morning and she's not, she's kind of mother feeds kids candy before dinner and whatever the complaint is.
And as a professional, what we're trained to do is to take out the toxic out of the statement, right? So I try to also share that tool with my clients to reframe what they're trying to say, remembering that you get more bees with honey, right? And that this is a long term relationship that you have. So this is not just a wham, bam, let's negotiate a deal and we're out.
Those are easy. This is about, you start the way you want to finish. And so is this how you want to speak. In front of your children, right? Because kids are energetic beings. And that's one thing that I also really want to remind them of, right? Is that. There is true, authentic communication, and then there's kind of the fluffy, fake communication.
And you and I know that kids are geniuses, right? They're more in tuned and tapped in and in the flow than all of us, because they're, especially when they're under seven, I mean, they're not even, Analyzing what we're saying to them. They take everything for truth. They Santa Claus is real, Tootsbury's real, right?
And they're in this beautiful space, but they're energetic beings. We're all energetic beings. So a child knows when the parents are fighting, even though they may not verbally say something to each other, right? And so again, when we get into these meetings, what I suggest to people is focusing on the common goal, which is the children and understanding that, um, you got to start the way you want to finish.
How we negotiate. is so important in the long run, right? That getting the home run in the deal today may feel good, but you're going to have a really upset ex partner that you got to deal with for the next 10 years. And is that the space and the energy that you want your child to be a part of?
[00:27:03] Hunter: Oh yeah, for, for years and, and years.
It's so interesting that, that idea of detoxing your semen is this idea of reframing kind of what you might habitually say because it, again, it's so interesting because that's what I talk to parents about with siblings, right? When siblings are fighting, like, If you have to be in the middle of it, you, you, you kind of, you kind of translate what they're saying in a more skillful
[00:27:26] Radhika: way.
Totally. And so here's what I want to share with the listeners is that, and this is my kind of pet peeve with um, the pressure that sometimes people put on parents, right? Um, because, so that's kind of like our paradigm that we want to. Change how we communicate. Correct. And that you're absolutely right.
Now, beyond that, you know, what I've seen is that you can't ask people to behave better than they're feeling. Right? When somebody said something, understanding that that's kind of the best that they've got. Maybe they were triggered granted, and maybe, you know, the next day they'll say, shouldn have said that.
But for the most part, all of us are operating from a paradigm that we live in, and a lot of people are living in a lot of pain, a lot of agony. You know, a lot of us were drawn into. Abusive or toxic relationships, hoping that this relationship would solve our problems, right? And then when they don't, it's a shit show because now not only is the void still there, but I now resent my ex because he or she couldn't fix it.
Fulfill the love that I never got from my mother or fulfill the XYZ, whatever the narrative is, right? So the reason I'm so behind this consciousness movement is because I really believe that when someone's going through this process, If they could do just small little practices, like meditation, like breathwork, mindfulness practices, mindfully washing the dishes, whatever you have time for, right?
Which you and I know time is a choice on how we spend it. Um, and we can very quickly justify our Instagram use and our Netflix consumption then, right? But what I show parents is that like 20 minutes a day could change your life. And so now we're taking the inside out approach. Right. We're taking that empowerment approach so that you are healing your own wounds.
You are able to lift your perspective and clear your lens so that when you go into that negotiation, or when you go into that meeting, or if the process is over and now you have to communicate with your ex, you're able to take the toxic out of the state. That's
[00:29:49] Hunter: why I'm
[00:29:50] Radhika: saying that, like, I think to a great extent, it falls on us as professionals because the parties can't do that.
Because they're doing the best they can, right? And ultimately, all of this not only allows you to have the peace and sanity that you really need, but it's the life and home that you want to create for your child, right? And ultimately, what I fundamentally believe is that when you thrive as a parent, as a mama, Your child can thrive and will thrive.
Absolutely. Yeah. And I could see it, right, over and over. Yeah.
[00:30:28] Hunter: Yeah. I was going to say, like, what are the, what are the possibilities? Like, so for some, I'm trying to imagine from the perspective of a listener who may be possibly entering into this, may be scared, may be in the midst of a big life change.
And I would just love for you to paint a picture of the possibility on the other side, if we can enter into this. Understanding our own triggers, understanding our, our, um, what is, what does our highest self want, understanding when we're in fear, and, and approaching it in this way you describe. But what is possible?
[00:31:08] Radhika: A great question. Um, and I can, It immediately makes me think of some of the people that I've coached in an actual program for this, right? Because, um, again, the day job is the legal work. But when I've worked with people, giving them these mindfulness truths on, in a kind of formulaic manner. Very simple, very easy to adapt.
We have seen people do 180 degree turns. And I never expected that, to be honest. I'm very humbled by that. And I don't think that's new. You think that's just the power of the tool, right? It's just seeing the possible for someone else, having that clarity and compassion for someone else, and then saying, here, try this.
You've tried everything else, you know, and it's not working. Are you ready to try something new? And I think when parents. are ready to step into something new, right? Viktor Frankl, a famous quote that I always quote with my parents, you know, is, um, when you no longer are able to change a situation, you're challenged to change ourselves, right?
[00:32:12] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
[00:32:20] Radhika: Oh, I love that. Yeah, great. Uh, my favorite quote and I kind of blasted over and over with my parents, but that's really what we're talking about here. And what's possible is unbelievable. Like, again, I do not expect people to have these shifts in such a short period of time. But what I know is possible is that you can heal yourself.
You can see the pattern that drew you into that relationship, that you're ready to heal so that you don't draw yourself into that pattern again. There's some people who've had like four relationships or two relationships back to back, where they seem to attract the same kind of partner. You can, right, you can also not only adopt these mindfulness principles that will be so game changer for yourself, start doing it with your children.
So I have clients who are doing gratitude practices with their children, and we walk them through why that's important. In my opinion, it's, um, It's raising your frequency,
[00:33:22] Hunter: right?
[00:33:23] Radhika: It's coming into a different energetic state. Um, they're meditating with their children. I have clients who send me pictures of them and their son, 18 year old son.
I'm thinking one particular parent, um, and they both are sitting there with maladies meditating together. So, um, healing for yourself, healing for your view of your former spouse. And healing for your entire family. And beyond healing, what's possible is creating your dream life. And I think that's what, um, is my passion is helping people see that, listen, this old chapter didn't work, but you as a conscious creator have an opportunity right now to change the future for yourself and for your family.
And so the minute you're able and ready to take that responsibility of how you got here, right, in a loving, compassionate way. You will now empower yourself because you're saying, okay, I'm in control here. I'm in the driver's seat. Life is no longer driving me. I'm in the driver's seat. And what I say to them is, you know, every new journey needs a new destination.
So what's possible is not only do you heal, but you're able to come out with a new vision for yourself, for the parent that you want to be. For your child and for yourself, right? The highest expression of your life and the highest expression of you. And it sounds really like, whoa, how is that possible?
I'm telling you, like, I have seen people, I had a mom who, her name is Dana, first name. Okay. And she had five children. She has five children with her, a former spouse. Um, and. Every time she had to see him, she would have panic attacks. And of course the kids are watching, right? Like they're like, what's going on here?
And they want to have a loving relationship with their dad and they want to have a loving relationship with their mom. And they're really stuck in the middle. Like it's really an internal war that these poor children are going through. And, and it is not about shaming ourselves, but this is about.
Recognizing where we're at and wanting and choosing better, right? There's no reason, there's no need to like, poo poo on yourself. But so these children were, were witnessing in this and a mom couldn't leave her house and couldn't find her flow in her own life. And in a very short period of time, simply because she made the decision that this was no longer working and she doubled down on the tools that were given to her.
In four weeks time, she was a different person and to the point that her mother reached out to us. to thank us because she didn't know who this person was. Like she said, I, I'm so thrilled that my daughter is able to be the mother that I want her to be. So what I believe is possible is like a lot in a very short period of time.
[00:36:29] Hunter: That's so cool. And I, and that is possible. I, it's so interesting to take it. We are so afraid of uncomfortable situations and discomfort. And the truth is, like, that these deep divisions and these deep difficulties can ultimately be our greatest teachers. Ah. Yes. I mean, I've shared that, like, I've shared plenty of times my struggles myself with Mike.
anger when my daughter was little and ultimately like if I didn't have that, if I didn't have that suffering, I never would have been able to be propelled by that to create this new possibility and what you're describing is the same thing like there's this difficulty and there's this wound and we can use that power, that powerful energy to propel us into creating something new.
I mean, just like hopefully the, you know, the deep racial divisions of the world and the protests, you know, uh, I'm, I'm not sure when we're airing this, this episode, right? But hopefully it can propel us into creating something new. into something, into something new and a new possibility. So, so how do you, how do you help people?
So when people divorce, right, one of the things they're probably scared of, um, is they're going into parenting solo. And I, and I feel for the single mothers. A lot of single mothers, I know, you know, in the, during the quarantine, they're alone. They have no support. They're, they're trying to work. They're trying to parent.
They're, we live in a society in the United States. Particularly, that has very little social safety net and very little support, uh, for, for parents in general. And then if you're a single parent, yikes, uh, how, how you, you spoke a little bit about sort of after the process. So tell me a little bit more about after the process and, and becoming that solo parent.
[00:38:33] Radhika: So again, I think it comes down to recreating the vision for your life,
[00:38:38] Hunter: right?
[00:38:39] Radhika: And what does that even look like? Because I think when, you know, you and I know that we have different aspects of our life, right? We were finances, we were children, we have a career, we have whatever, right? All family, extended family, friends, all these beautiful little plots, right?
And what I find is that when people focus on one area, it's because in the pain of it, often the other areas of their garden are also kind of struggling. Right? And what I say to them is that when you start to recreate the garden of you, you know, if you were to literally take a garden and try to fix it, you would never try to fix an area of the garden, right?
You wouldn't just say to me, well, I'm just going to change the soil in the cucumber section. I'm just going to water just this half on the tomatoes. I'll deal with the other later, right? And so what I say to them is what consciousness tools allow you to do, what mindfulness allows you to do is to create a new garden of who you are.
Pull the weeds, which is the healing, right? To replace the soil, to water the whole thing. And all of a sudden, that's what thriving looks like. And I think. But those tools are even more important for a single parent, right? Because now you will need your superpowers even more, right? And so it's really part of this, you know, part of the formula that I share is, you know, rewiring your thoughts, right?
And so if it's thinking like, Oh, I'm alone, how am I going to do this? All those disempowering thoughts, how do we flip the script on that to connect to those others, to ask for help? To be part of a village, I think is so important. And I think that is part of heart centered living, right? Does that make sense?
Yeah. So part of that, like when they're recreating their lives, and I think this is equally important for, uh, even more important probably for still the parents who have this whole show on their shoulders, right? Um, is remembering who you are by remembering your values. What makes you special, right? Like I've lots of parents who are in a crappy job or a job that they just, you know, there's no crappy job as far as jobs, but crappy for them, because they're misplaced in the wrong career.
Right. And I have, I have an accounting client who makes six figures and would call it a crappy job. So I don't mean to judge any kind of vocation because we need them all. So actually we can, we COVID today, right. Um, as we record this podcast, but so remembering who you are means What are the things that make me uniquely special?
What's my contribution to the world? Right? Asking those big questions, I think is a really great starting point for anybody who wants to lift their next chapter. Because I do believe that we're all here for a reason. And I think sometimes life has a way of causing you to forget who you are. And so that's one of the exercises that I suggest people start with.
To think about before they even try to start forge a path forward. Right. And what's really cool is that as we're helping people consciously co parent, I've had like multiple parents have career changes in the middle of this. Again, because when you thrive, your whole garden thrives. So that could be financial stability.
If you're a solo parent, that could be signing fulfillment and career, or a slightly varied version of the career that you're in. Um, and also finding new relationships, whether that's romantic or, uh, you know, just a good wicked tribe around you, moms and dads, um, is so valuable, right? Especially if you're feeling alone.
[00:42:19] Hunter: So it's like, you're, you're really talking about like stepping very, very much into the big picture of using this, using this tumultuous time, using this upheaval. And really look at, at everything, you know, who, how do I want to contribute to the world? Where has maybe my path not been in alignment with who I am and, and, and awareness of, of all of these things.
[00:42:47] Radhika: You got it. And, and what is alignment, right? Coming back to who you are and healing the wounded aspects of yourself and what the beautiful, Side effect. It's almost like the side effect is now you can look at your ex and say, Oh, now I get how I was drawn into this. And that's cool. No judgment. And now I can see the unveiled aspects of him.
And now I can proceed with compassion. Um, and, and it's a whole different type of parenting.
[00:43:17] Hunter: Yeah. No, I'm, I'm completely with you. I mean, I now look at like all, you know, all people and all the terrible things that people do. in the world is, you know, these are hurt, wounded people, unskillful, reacting from their, their, their conditioning, their habits, their, all the thing, all the different, the myriad of various things that help to, to make up their experience and to kind of be able to step back and see that perspective, uh, gives us a greater also perspective on ourselves, you know, where we don't, if we, when we can stop blaming ourselves, we don't, We don't blame the other so much either.
And, and that's such a freeing perspective because then you can, you know, move beyond blame and say, okay, well, what's new? What, what, what's really, really important? This is so cool.
[00:44:13] Radhika: Rad. Um, and I just want to add to that because you're talking about a new world and I think that is so beautiful and so important, right?
Just briefly, like if we just think about what. You know, just like the conflict is impacting all of these children, right, we're seeing shootings, gun violence at schools, you know, what is happening at the homes of these children, and I have parents and colleagues and friends who are educators and principals at schools, and they say to me, there is a huge correlation between the children that we see who are struggling at school, and the children that we see who are struggling at school.
And what's happening with their parents. And again, this is not judgment. This is not anyone. This is saying here we have this beautiful opportunity to not only raise our own consciousness and to create these beautiful lives that we will always intended to have absolutely a possibility, I think actually the world's rigged in your favor, but the, um, imagine the next generation of children that we're going to raise.
And, and how this is going to impact the type of scenarios that we're seeing today, right? Because what is happening when people are taking steps that they didn't want to take, right? Like even the perpetrators, you know, most people don't like talking about this, but not to get political, but you know, in all conflict, in all human conflict, again, we can come back to everyone has their lens for a reason, and we can all work on ourselves.
And when we work on ourselves, ergo, we work on our children, we just change the whole game. I just changed the whole game. Yeah.
[00:45:53] Hunter: Yeah. Well, I, I know you have, I know you have some, I know you have like a, a resource for my audience, but I'd love for you to take, you know, for, I'm thinking about the listener and, and, and there's a lot of big ideas.
There's a lot of, a lot of possibility, you know, talking about big changes where, what is a place to start for, for even anyone just listening who's saying, Yeah, I want some of that awareness. I want some of that. Um, I want some of that ability to, to change myself. Where, where, where did you start yourself or where do you, you encourage your clients to start?
[00:46:36] Radhika: So I gotta say, I think the superpower tool, um, that I would like first comes to mind and always comes to mind is meditation. Some kind of meditation practice for yourself. I've, um, I've meditated with Dr. Jyotish Senza, I've hung out with Deepak Chopra 10 years ago, like I've tried Transcendental, I've tried Chakra meditation, um, there's so many types.
I think it's a, an opportunity really to just for you to have time with yourself. Right? And so as you're starting to think about, say, these first three questions, you could sit down and just grab a notebook and do a little journaling for yourself, which is really just a date with yourself. Right? I tell people like, write a candle, grab a bottle of wine, like have a date with yourself.
You get to know yourself again, because again, sometimes we've lost who we are, right? Who we want to be. And so asking yourselves questions, who are you? Where do you want to go? What's the vision and why? Right? Um, so. I think the meditation practice allows us to, um, deeply come into that, right? Because it starts to allow us to have some heart connection and to be able to create a space between those thoughts, right?
Which is your consciousness, which is your awareness. So I think picking up a small meditation practice is. Super powerful, um, for clarity and for healing. I couldn't, I couldn't agree more.
[00:48:09] Hunter: Of course. Sure. I couldn't agree more. It is a superpower. It is. It's a superpower. We don't, I think that we don't realize before we have had some experience of meditation how deeply uncomfortable most people are with themselves.
And, um, and it is therefore a superpower to have this level of comfort with ourselves and to ultimately to become comfortable with all these parts of ourselves. And, and then, yes, and then we take, can take, steps with clarity that are amazing. I couldn't agree more. So you, uh, this is awesome. I love the work you're doing.
As you know, I've already told you as much before, and I really love and I think it's so, so important and so needed. Uh, you have a resource for the audience. Do you want to share that?
[00:49:05] Radhika: Where can we get in contact with you as well? Sure, so, I mean, my, the parenting website is consciousco parenting. ca. I'm in Canada.
Um, or they can go to my website, my umbrella website, which is consciousnesswithbrad. com. Um, and the resource that I put together was just kind of a journaling exercise. Where to start. So I kind of highlighted the three bullets for you, um, just now, right? Um, who are you, where do you want to go and why I kind of further break down in this guide, how to actually extrapolate it, because as I started to have those conversations with parents and people, cause I do coaching for parent lawyers and entrepreneurs as well, I.
They're like, well, I don't know what my values are, like, how do I find my value? And so I break down five different ways to suss out your values to remember who you are. So, um, that's what the guide is for. It just kind of breaks down the questions that you can sit down and kind of work through as you start to think about it.
Sounds awesome.
[00:50:10] Hunter: Thank you so much for coming on the Mindful Mama podcast and for the work that you're doing, for sharing these. tools for the world. Your, your clients are really lucky and I, I feel fortunate that you're able to share this. And open this possibility up for my listener and to, you know, to open this possibility of what, what could be of this.
And I love this. You know, I'm all about changing generational patterns and we can do this and we can do hard things and, and you're part of, you know, a team. a wave of us trying to try to helping us do this. And so thank you so much for your work and thanks for coming on.
[00:50:50] Radhika: Oh, it's my pleasure. I just, in closing, want to just recap for people.
You're so powerful. Your best days are truly ahead. And you have seen it hundreds of times with clients, uh, and I know you want your child to thrive. And it's going to stir with you, so get excited is what I want to say to your amazing mamas.
[00:51:16] Hunter: Thank you so much for listening. I love what Radhika says about you have to start the way you want to finish. And I think that makes so much sense and there's so much we can take from that in so many areas of our life. Oh my goodness. Uh, if you found this podcast helpful, of course, please subscribe and leave a rating.
Um, wherever you listen, I'm so glad you're here. I'm so grateful for you, and I hope that this podcast was helpful. Maybe you know someone going through a separation, maybe it'll help them. And I, I wish you peace. I wish you moments of peace. joy and moments of deep rest and stillness as you go into this week.
And I will be back in your, uh, in wherever you listen to this, uh, next week, next Tuesday. And we're going to be talking about how to breathe next week, which is so cool. Really, really cool new book, Breathing. So, um, make sure you come back and connect with me then. Wishing you a beautiful week until then, my friend.
Thank you so much for listening. Namaste.
I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate better. And just, I'd say communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse. It's been really a positive influence in our lives, so definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it.
It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much benefit from being a better parent to your children. I'm feeling like you're connecting more with them and not feeling like you're yelling all the time or you're like, why isn't this working? I would say definitely do it. It's so, so worth it.
It'll change you. No matter what age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's a great investment in someone's family. I'm very thankful I have this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working or you can learn some new tools and gain some new skills. to shift everything in your parenting.
Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies, but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with too much to learn? Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clark Fields, and if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting membership. You'll be joining Hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class.
This is an opportunity to really discover your unique lasting relationship, not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting connected relationships, not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. Go to mindfulparentingcourse. com MindfulParentingCourse.
com to add your name to the waitlist so you will be the first to be notified when I open the membership for enrollment. I look forward to seeing you on the inside. MindfulParentingCourse.
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