Founder of the World Needs a Father in Egypt - Family counseling - Fatherhood mentor - Consulting engineer
405: The Impact of Fathers
Bassem Gerges
Would you want parenting classes to be required of fathers? Bassem Gerges believes that fathers have a profound impact on their kids' lives—for both the good and the bad—and fatherhood should be treated like a profession that we have to study for. We talk about how fathers can have more positive relationships with their children.
The Impact of Fathers - Bassem Gerges [405]
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*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Bassem Gerges: Fatherhood is not just a title, it's a profession. And like any other profession, like you can study lots and lots of, and get lots and lots of degrees about parenthood, and I think this is what every parent should do.
[00:00:19] Hunter: You are listening to the Mindful Mama podcast, episode number 405, and today we're talking about the impact of fathers with beem gerges.
Welcome to the Mindful Mama podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Mama, we know that you cannot give what you do not have. And when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, hunter Clark Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 20 years. I'm the creator of Mindful Parenting, and I'm the author of the best selling book, raising Good Humans, A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and raising Kind Confident Kids.
Hey there. So glad you are here at the Mindful Mama Podcast. Listen, if you haven't done so, make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss an episode. And if you get some value from this episode or any of the over 400 episodes of this podcast please just go on the Over Tip Apple podcast. You can do it right in the app where you're listening to this super easy and leave us a rating and review.
It just helps the podcast grow more. It takes 30 seconds. I hugely appreciate it. And in just a moment, I am going to be sitting down with Bessam Gorges and he is the founder of the world, needs a father in Egypt, and he does family counseling and fatherhood mentoring and bessam. I am lucky enough to call a friend of mine.
He invited me to Egypt and I went with my daughter Sora, who's 13 to Egypt, to a the world needs a father event in Cairo in March. And this organization is so giving and so powerful. They are trying to bring uninvolved fathers, get involved in fatherhood and just talk about the impact that fathers have in their families, and help fathers get more involved all around the world.
It is in many countries and is so powerful. So we're gonna talk about fatherhood and SEM offers the idea that fathers have this profound impact on their kids' lives. And then maybe we should have Parenting classes be required of fathers, like a almost a license for fatherhood, right? So this impact that fathers have, like it's for good and for bad, right?
And fatherhood should be treated like a profession that we have to study for. So we're gonna talk about how fathers can have more positive relationships with their children. So if you are a father or you know a father, this is a really powerful episode for you. I want you to share it with all the fathers in your life.
Join me at the table as I talk to my friend, Bessam.
I'm so happy to have you on the Mindful Mama podcast. Thanks for
[00:03:19] Bassem Gerges: coming. Thank you. Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here.
[00:03:22] Hunter: I'm excited to talk to you because for the listener, dear listener, Bassam and I met in Abu Dhabi at Parenthood, the conference in November, 2022. And. You have a really fascinating initiative going on about fatherhood in Egypt, and I'm so excited to find out, to dig into, cause it's really interesting.
But I'm just curious, like what was your experience being a boy growing up in Egypt, like with your father?
[00:03:54] Bassem Gerges: I think actually I had a decent childhood. There were some things that I wish that, my dad would've done with me during the, the course of my other two and childhood.
But again I, I don't feel that we can always apply or be raised the way that, our parents raised us. So I faced some issues with my daughter. So as soon I've been married for 23 years now. I have a daughter who's 19 and a son who's 17. My daughter's now in, in university.
But I remember that the minute my wife got birth and we got Natalie. I felt a huge responsibility. And I thought, wow, this is the year 2003. Now, I was reading the race in the 1970s, now it's 2003. And I tried to do some stuff like my dad and mom did, but
[00:05:00] Hunter: it didn't work.
Like what stuff? I'm just curious cuz I did the same thing. I totally tried to do it. My parents did, I guess
[00:05:08] Bassem Gerges: the usual way that we were, punished or disciplined. The way that the incentives, the way they motivate us. And all that stuff and it just didn't work. And there were some things that I felt, this can be right.
And I, I remembered some stuff that my parents would do that I didn't like, and I just found myself doing the same thing. So I decided, to actually before I decide that I had a weird feeling hunter and that was every time. My daughter gets sick or my son gets sick. I really get very worried and scared.
I don't wanna lose them. And I've felt that, wow kids, they've been only here for two, three years and they mean everything to me. And at that moment I realized that, if they matter that much to me as a father, I think I need to be. The best father ever. And fatherhood is not just a title, it's a profession.
And like any other profession you can study lots and lots of, and get lots and lots of degrees about parenthood. And I think this is what every parent should do. The way an engineer should study the way the doctor studies, surgeon studies, I mean everyone, in order to be professional in what he's doing, he needs to study.
So I started to read and learn more about. What would be my, my, my role as a father and I discovered that, in every stage of growth my kids need certain things in some years. They need affirmations. They need acceptance. They need validation. They need someone to talk to them about moral authority, about identity.
This is not something that they're gonna get from the community or Facebook and social media. This is something that I need to do and I started to learn more about fatherhood and maybe what I'm gonna say now might be a little bit controversial, but I realized that it's gonna be very hard to be the best father to my kids if I wasn't a good husband.
So I discovered I need to be a good husband. I need to be the best husband for their moms in order for them to look up to me and to respect me as a father. During the course of learning more about marriage and the challenges that we face as a couple and two individual human beings, I realized that, I can do that without being a real man.
And I discovered that I wasn't a real man. My interests were, were just very childish. I was immature and I was lucky looking, running after. Same after the wealth, after all these materialistic stuff. And, but this is, has nothing to do with the real meaning of a man who really living for a purpose and having a goal in life and a purpose, knowing his identity, fulfilled identity, and of course having a decent job to provide and support his family.
So it was like a journey that I needed to really, go through with my wife and myself in order to be the right person as a husband, and the right person as a father. It was a long journey, but what opened my eyes, what the value of my kids. I, all of a sudden I felt if I really am so worried when they're sick and I'm so scared to lose them, I better spend the days that they're living on earth in a decent way, in a proper
[00:09:04] Hunter: way.
I can relate so much to everything you're saying. Like that feeling of this child is so precious to me, is so important to me. This is the most important job I've ever had in my life and I'm messing it up. I remember that feeling very clearly, and I really relate to what you're saying about this idea like, sometimes it starts with, oh, I wanna make this child have different behaviors.
But like you're looking at like how it really turned to this u-turn back on you with the attention back on you as a person that you need to know more, you need to study more. You can't be a good father then without being, it's these layers of this onion are being un. Un appeals, right?
Where then you can't be a good father without being a good husband, can't be a good husband without being a real man. And it sounds like you are defining a real man as living for a purpose. Is that what you would say? Cuz that could be a controversial thing to say, what is a real man, right?
That's a big loaded question. So what is it? No,
[00:10:12] Bassem Gerges: I think a real human being. In order to feel that you are, you're a human being you are of value, is that you are living for a purpose. You're living for something much bigger than you. You're doing something that whether you are living or dying, it's gonna continue.
So we are not just the birth certificate and the death certificate at the end. I believe that, our days here in life, you need to be doing something. Fulfilling something that other people would like like Hunter, to be honest. Like what you're doing, something that whether you are here or not, other people coming generation, you're gonna feed them.
You have something, a legacy to leave behind you, and you're not making it to be famous because you'll probably be gone, but it's just, you did something during the course of your life, something valuable, something meaningful. So impacting other people, and it starts with impacting your kids.
What is it? I don't think that the wise human being, the wise man would be impressed with everyone's maybe appreciation if he doesn't get that from his own kids and family. This, it's worthless, doesn't mean anything to be, the idol for everyone on earth, but not your kids. Because this simply means that you are a fake person.
So the what people, the way people see you is just, this is how you want to be perceived, but the real you is when you are at home. So a real human being has purpose. It's not just a man but a man. There are lots of other things you know your wrong, you stand. Stand for your values.
During challenging times, you accept discomfort to gain future success in life. So you're gonna be disciplined in disciplining your kids, in waking up early and doing sports to keep your health good. So you're doing these small, challenging things in life because and you're wise enough that you know you're gonna gain success at the end.
You're gonna gain comfort at the end. You're living for a purpose. Again, you have, the direction that where you're living because, I always love this statement, it's not mine it's for Andy Stanley. He always say, direction determines destination. So if you are a man, you need to know the direction that you're living in the direction that you are driving your life through is gonna need to a certain destination and it better be a good destination that you're gonna like at the end.
So if you decided to leave your family now it's better be, you better be doing it for a good cause and a purpose because it's gonna lead to a certain destination. Is it? You're doing it for your comfort. You are doing it because it's too much challenging. It's you're doing it because you don't love your wife anymore.
And your emotions are guiding how you act, how you feel, you know how much your family's gonna be broken if you leave the house. You know how much your kids need you, you know that you're gonna miss a lot if grow up and you didn't find that your kids, they don't even wanna have a relationship with you.
Did you count? Did you do the math? So I'm not against or for divorce. I'm not talking about that. Now. This is not my issue. My issue is sometimes we just do stupid decisions because we are guided by our emotions, and this is not right. God created emotions to service, but not to guide us, not to lead us not to be the master.
You cannot have your emotions as your master. So once you feel like I don't love my spouse anymore, then this means that you're not meant to be together. You need to be wiser than that. You need to go get hold of your emotions and your actions because it affect other people, other kids of the generation and your family.
[00:14:18] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
So I'm I'm hearing you say, talk about like greater self-awareness, right? With fathers is that you're calling for is like an awareness of how do your actions affect your children? What are you modeling? What are the goals that you're communicating? What are you communicating as far as their development?
What are you communicating as far as, relations between partners or spouses? And awareness of how your actions are affecting everybody. I love this. I love all this, but I wanna like go back to this idea of like when you were there with your kids and you were like, this is a profession.
I need to study. What were you doing at the time and where did you start? What did you start to learn? Where was the beginning? I
[00:15:11] Bassem Gerges: met Cassie Carsons. Cassie Carsons is the founder of the world, needs a father. He's from South Africa now to half, or the world needs a father is in more than a hundred Nation.
And I met him and he was, a mentor for leaders. He was, giving training for leaders how to be good leaders. But in 2002, he passed through an incident. I don't have the time to talk about it, but he switched his vision. From training leaders to training fathers. Cause he discovered that fatherlessness is what most communities face.
Old countries. First Nation, third Nation talks about the challenges, greatest challenges that they face. And they discovered, this is a study by Harvard University. They discovered that it's not about poverty, it's not about education, it's not about the rate of crimes, but the real challenge that most communities face.
Is fatherlessness is the word needs a father or the way I got my training? We believe that, we wanna train men to be good men, remen and good fathers. Our vision is that every child would grow up through, I mature. Selfless available, accountable, devoted, and educated father, he knows what he's doing in order not to harm other, generation coming generations.
And we actually have a vision and a dream, actually, and this is something that I discussed when I was I talked about when we, when I was in Abu Dhabi, is that by the year 2030, I would love. That the government would study a new rule a new governing what they call, whatever it is, but they cannot issue a birth certificate.
You cannot apply for a birth certificate stamped by the government for your child unless you prove to them that you got some education. And this makes fun sense, like a license. Are you a licensed mother? Are you a licensed? Father, it's exactly like buying your own rules Royce. And you say to the government, now I wanna tell you, this is my car.
And I paid this amount of money and it's my right to drive it. No, you cannot drive it because they are governing rules and you need to have a license. Why? It's my car? Because first you can harm yourself and the other thing is you can harm other people. So when you think about it, I can have as many kids as I want, but they cannot be counted as an individual in the government, in the country.
Unless I prove to the country that I am an educated father, I will know, or I know I studied how to treat and how to deal with my baby so that when he grow, so I, so literally, I say to the government, I know how to drive his life as much as I can. And he's not gonna harm himself, and hopefully he's not gonna harm other people.
Your kids who are bullied at school, they're bullied from another kids. You think the other kids are victims or, the bullies are victims. Victims of what? Of so many things that most, probably so many things that's happening at home. So I, you are gonna raise your kids but they're gonna face other kids who are not raised well and the parents should know that they are responsible.
I am responsible about my kids' action. God, give us angels. God send us angels. Our kids are angels, but if we mistreated them, if we don't know how to deal with them, they're gonna, they're gonna turn into, satanic creatures d not don't know how to deal with one another, can't handle their emotions.
Very frustrated, has anger issues. And, we are responsible. So we have this dream and I think it makes sense. I mean you can, because especially in the third world countries, they just get kids. But one incident that happened, a and this is what really triggered me 11 years ago in 2012, and we had some bombing going on in Egypt and this.
Child who was 17 years old, he bombed one big church in our country. And then when they asked the mother, of course he blew himself as well. So when, and he died. So they asked the mother, how was your son doing? What did he do the day he went and did this crime? And she said no, I don't know anything about him since two years.
Okay. What about the father? Where is his father? No. He's, he left us five years ago. He doesn't spend any money on the kid. I would send the kid out to just beg. So this kid left his house when he was 12, and it ended up after five years that he blew up at church and severed kids and families lost their beloved ones.
Why? Is it because of the child? I don't believe so. I believe it's because the parents. You should keep an eye on your child. Otherwise he's gonna ruin his life. And not only his life, but other innocent people. So I think it's legitimate to just, have one of the documents in order to get your birth certificate for your child.
Is that you're an educated mother.
[00:20:33] Hunter: To me it like makes a lot of sense. You take birth class, but you don't have any Parenting class, right? Like in initially it makes a lot of sense. But then, I'm having the thought also of yes, like we need this, like we all need some basic training.
Yes, we need like a, every, we take driver's ed, all of, I'm so on board with all this. But then when I think about the idea of licensing in the government and things like that, my, my thought then goes to what about the sort of the supports and things like that? It almost puts all this responsibility on the two individual parents, whereas there's a community.
Who's taking care of those parents. We need, like El Elise in the United States, right? We have no universal healthcare. We have no childcare, we have, subsidies, we don't have none of those supports. Like parents in the US are like completely unsupported by the government in so many ways.
So much less support than any other, industrialized country. And so the idea of saying, oh, it's your, like you parents, you have to be responsible. Yes. But, and there's, we also have to be taking care of each other. It it has to be part of a something where we're all taking care of each other as societally.
[00:21:50] Bassem Gerges: I agree. I'm not talking about the legal actions, it's just that I'm not a license. I'm just exaggerating the license, but, in order for me to give you a birth certificate, just show me that you got like tips. When you leave the hospital, the doctor will tell you how to shower your child, how to shower the baby, how to, so you get some, introductory classes about how to deal with your baby and stuff like that.
So this is what I'm talking about, just very. Very common sense about, let's say the needs for the child psychologically in the first five years, this is what he needs from you. Okay? So just basic stuff that you can take in four or five classes. But during the four or five classes, the success is gonna be in igniting the passion within the fathers and mothers to get to learn more.
You know what I mean? Hunter? So please, guys, if you're gonna run after just providing financial. Matters to your child. Trust me, this is not gonna guarantee his success in life. And this is gonna not g guarantee his happiness or his wellbeing. Let me tell you how you can save him from future. Nominees, please be a good father.
You need to be a good father. Children listen to what they see, not what they hear. So let me tell you. Please learn about 1, 2, 3, and 4, 5, 6. It's gonna be very important. You as a father, are gonna be, feel very happy. You're gonna enjoy your child. And your child is gonna have a successful childhood and which is gonna help him in life in his course of life.
And also it's gonna make you feel good about yourself. And we ignite the passion within the fathers please, moms. Need you at home. They need your support. Kids, they need male affirmation. There are certain things that moms cannot do alone. We need to help them. So this is what you need to know once you ignite this passion within them, maybe afterwards they're gonna take courses.
Masters, there is one guy who is, I'll tell you the story, hunter. This guy was living in Dubai. He left his wife for seven years and he got divorced and he has four kids. He came back, he went to a camp with us, father and child camp. And he started to bond back with his child who was at that time, 15 years old.
So for seven years they didn't have any communication. And then he came, just to pay his Jews, okay, I'm gonna take you to this camp and play and stuff like that. But there is nothing between them. And then in the last camp day of the camp, which was just three days, he was crying like a baby to his son, asking him his forgiveness.
And he told him, I'm not gonna go back to Dubai. I'm gonna stay here because I know how much you need me. And I'm gonna find a job here and please accept my apology. This guy left his job and he started studying family counseling and now he's a certified family counselor. His whole mindset was changed because within him, this passion about families and fatherhood revived back.
This was like, I always call it like a resurrection. And this guy was dead and now he found his life back among his kids and his family. And this is something that I think everyone needs it.
[00:25:09] Hunter: You're talking about this like shift in values, right? There's this value that we've been taught, right?
That men should be, men should be pursuing success and the individual, individualism and all of these things. And what you're pointing people to is this shift in, interconnection, right? And pointing people to like how interconnected we are and how your actions affect your children and your family and all those things.
So let's get to the basics. What is so important about the role of father? And what do fathers provide that is different from what mothers provide?
[00:25:43] Bassem Gerges: There are some studies I don't think it's yet certified or approved, but it, where it says that mothers have greater impact on kids from zero to seven or six at the age of six, seven till puberty, 11, 12, 13 the male figure.
Jumps in. So they get more influenced by the male figure, whether it was the father, an uncle, a brother, and and maybe someone at school. My friend who's nine years old, I look up to him and this guy, he gives me the affirmation. We can see this in our culture a lot. So the kids at the age of seven, eight, they don't want their mothers to join them in their practice, but they tend more, I want my father, of course, when fathers go and they look on the phones and they get coffee and they just, they don't even watch their kids.
They say no, I want mom back. But actually, if the father started to focus on his kids while playing sports, for example, they gonna ha build up more passion towards what they're doing. At this age, especially 7, 8, 9, 10, if your kid has some manner issues, the father can solve it much easier than the mother when the kids are above seven or eight.
These are all studies. So the four main pillars that the children needs, a main figure, and why I'm saying male figure, because I know. Some fathers, passed away. Some fathers, they're just not there. They, they're divorced. For example, here, the government would give you only three hours a week if you were divorced.
You cannot see that your kids more than three hours a week. So even if the father wants to see his kids, the government, this rules this out. This is till the age of 16. It says that the mother, she has all the right with the kids father. If she's a bad mom, she would only allow him to see them only for three hours a week.
And this is something that we would like to change in the country as well. So the identity the father plays a great role in, in pointing out and finding, giving the identity conferring the identity to his kids, what their values. What they're supposed to do knowing how to make decisions, asking the w questions, which is the wisdom questions, what, why, where, and all that stuff.
And they want to listen to the dad. So the, their identity develops through a male, figures through a father more than a mother. The second thing is the moral authority. So if you were calm and nice and have a low tone and stuff like that, but the father, is very aggressive and he has low, loud voice and stuff like that, by the age of seven, eight, you'll find the kids turning into, what my dad is doing and vice versa.
So if the father has more discipline and better discipline than the mothers and he spent with them enough time, again, this is comes to time as well. He needs to spend with them some time. And the kids watch him a lot, they, he's gonna have a positive impact on them more than the mother.
[00:29:04] Hunter: Wait, so are you suggesting the father should have an aggressive tone and be things like that with their
[00:29:10] Bassem Gerges: kids?
Of course not. No. No. This is not what I'm saying. I'm saying if the mom has a low voice and she's kind and, but the father is not like that at the age of seven or eight, they're gonna be affected by the father and they're gonna have a high tone and they're gonna be aggressive and they're gonna copy imitate their fathers.
[00:29:26] Hunter: Okay. All right. So I wanted to clarify that. That's good. Yeah, I wanted to clarify that cuz we'll bass him What you're saying is that, When we want kids to be able to communicate skillfully, we want kids to be able to communicate skillfully and effectively with their peers and all the people that are outta the life.
And that means, being able to communicate calmly and et cetera. And so you're saying that we wanna encourage fathers to do the opposite of that aggressive, traditional like threatening thing is what I'm
[00:29:57] Bassem Gerges: hearing. So what I'm saying is, if the mother has good traits, The father has bad traits and they're exposed to him a lot.
At the age of seven, eight, they're gonna inherit these bad traits. You know what I mean? So this is what I'm saying. However, if it's vice versa, and me as a father are spending more time than the mother at the age of seven, eight, they're gonna take the good habits from me, even if the mother. Is having bad habits.
They look up to the male affirmation, especially in the age of eight to 12 and 13. Again, it depends on the exposure, how much time you spend with them and all that stuff. So if you are really a bad father and you know you are loud and, but the kids are not exposed to you. They're probably not gonna get this habit, but if I see both habits, I'm gonna be more influenced towards what my father is doing at the age of 8, 9, 10, I want to do what my father is doing. And this goes mostly to boys more than girls. But again, girls are the same or affected. The third thing is the emotional security feeling, unconditional love at the age of eight, nine, I know the girls would go to the moms, they love them a lot, but if they didn't get this amount of emotions and love and feel safe and secure in, in their father's presence.
They gonna go and be and seek, lustful love from their community, from their friends, because they don't feel this at home. So if the home is not worth enough, kids tend to be, outgoing and they don't wanna stay home. I always say it like that. So the mom is like the thermometer and the father is like the thermostat.
So the mother would know the level of intimacy, emotion. Oh, kids today are really, they're so down. I don't know what, so the fathers comes in and he kicks in. Guys, kids, let's play. I wanna, so he's gonna elevate, he's gonna increase the temperature at home and vice versa. So kids are banging, nagging plus.
So the fa, the mom tell, kids are crazy today. The fathers come in and he manages to cool down. With his attitude is the whole house. So the mother is like the thermometer at home and the father acts like the thermostat. Of course, all what I'm saying to you, hunter is proportion, this is not like the rule of thumb.
[00:32:19] Hunter: No. But what you're saying is really interesting there, and I wanna stop you for a second there, because I teach Mindful Parenting and I have a lot of moms who take Mindful Parenting. What Dads too, shout out to my dads out there. But a lot of times there's a dad who maybe isn't so interested. And the mom wants to get them interested in what you're pointing out here, which is, it's so interesting to me, is that the dads have a lot of power in the energy and the temperature they're bringing into the situation when they don't recognize that them.
Them getting triggered by the situation and getting upset and getting louder and getting scarier. Ha. When they don't recognize that adds more chaos and difficulty and fierce to the situation, it creates problems, right? But when they can recognize, oh, I have this power just by. My energy, my demeanor, my emotions by me regulating my emotions and coming in with an attitude of calm and, and just acceptance and all those things that I can as a dad, I could really have a lot of power to calm that situation, and I think that's really important.
Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
[00:33:37] Bassem Gerges: So the father and mother are both on the same wavelength and they know how to talk to one another. Why I said the mothers are the thermometer is intimacy. When it comes to intimacy. Emotions. Moms are, much smarter than men. They know how the daughter would feel, how the kids are feeling, she, so she can translate this emotional thing.
To the dad who can then act upon the messages that his wife is the mother is giving to him. You know what I mean? So they compliment one another because we as men, sometimes we just, we don't know how you're feeling. We don't we are not really friends with our feelings in most times, but women, mothers know.
They know the kids. They, you can know. You can know how your child is. Is feeling just watching him walking? We don't know. But you as a mom, no. You can really know. I know my, there is something wrong with my son. How did you know that? Just the way he's walking. Wow. Not even looking at his face.
You can, define whether he's happy or he's not happy. We don't have that but you can sway this message to the dad. And then his with his energy, plus yours. Of course, you add a lot towards the whole family and the kids. So it's very important. So emotional security also comes from the way the fathers and mothers are dealing with one another.
The kids feel very insecure, especially from the age two to eight when there are lots of conflicts at home and they see it. And vice versa, if you, they see fathers and mothers, they're hugging one another. There is love, there is intimacy, there is understanding. They feel so safe and they feel like emotionally very secure.
Once there is troubles, this is as if there is an earthquake happening within them and sometimes they don't identify it. They feel it. And sometimes we just feel that our kids are young, small. They're young they don't understand what you're doing. Now, guess what? They really know everything that you're doing, starting the age of two.
They understand your facial reaction. They understand your body language. They understand every word that you're saying, and they know whether you are loving the person in front of you or you hate him, they're gonna get it. And if they feel this conflict, they're gonna feel very insecure. So this is the third thing.
Emotional insecurity.
[00:36:05] Hunter: I agree on that. Our kids have this incredible BS meter. They know if we're, they know what's happening, they feel it, it's like those, it's like something, it's so interesting cuz it's like something that we all have as human beings. We all sense that as human beings when we're little.
And that's something that's taken away from boys. That's pounded out of boys. It's, it makes me sad.
[00:36:29] Bassem Gerges: Yeah. And the last pillar is the moral authority. So we said, conferring the identity for their kids provides emotional security by loving them. Unconditional. So sorry, we said also the moral No, we didn't say the moral authority.
So the moral authority is the father teach their kids how to deal with when no one is there. So how to listen to their inner voice in order to make good decisions. Don't be so happy when your kids or your child act in a nice, mannered way when you're around. The issue is the most important thing is how he deals when you're not around.
This is the key. Does he listen to the inner voice? To his moral authority, and this is what you know, decides for him what he should do or what not to do, is he afraid if someone is watching him, he's gonna be scared and he's not gonna do what he wants to do. Or it doesn't matter with where someone is there or not there.
He's gonna listen to the inner voice that tells him this is right and this is wrong, and this is something that the father. Would really teach his kids during the course of the relationship between, this is not something that you say, this is something that you live as a father. He watches you when someone crosses, your the line when someone is just, driving like crazy and he was, or when someone take your parking spot, when someone yells at you.
When you are in a challenging time, would you lie? Is it okay that we lie when you know, just to get through the challenge that we are in right now? All these things they just watch and if they're not watching the fathers and mothers just watching tv, they will gain their moral authority from what, whatever they're watching.
And this is something that I don't think that you want them to teach or to get. You don't want them to get the moral authority from, TV shows and
[00:38:20] Hunter: movies. Yeah. I love what you're saying. Don't be so happy when he is good when you're around. That's such a great message, cuz what you're pointing to is that, is your child intrinsically motivated because of the way that they have been raised to care and act morally around the people.
Around them or are they only motivated by the character, the stick, the only slow down when you're speeding, when the police officer's around, right? Like you're not intrinsically motivated, but you're pointing to that and that is so huge. And that really comes from, all of this is woven in together, but that really comes from that connection that you're saying that is at the heart of all this father child relationship.
Fathers are incredibly important. We have these incredible impacts on, kids' moral compass, their ability to get around the world, their identity, all these things. What are some of a few things that a father can do to have a more positive relationship than with their
[00:39:20] Bassem Gerges: kids? Again, as I told you in the beginning, hunter, it depends on the age of the child, but we need to study.
And sometimes I have some issues, for example, with. Some articles, books that we read, and it talks to you about positive Parenting. This is how you need to treat your child when he does something wrong. Cause I, I think that you need to first study your child because raising an introvert is not like raising an extrovert.
Raising your first child is not raising, is not like praising your middle child. You need to understand his psychology. You need to know. What kind of challenging challenges that he's living right now that he's facing at the moment in order to come up with, the right way to treat him and provide him with exactly or her with what she really needs, what he really needs at this current time.
So understanding, connecting with your child every day, knowing exactly what he's passing through, following up every day, being available. Being devoted. Not devoted you are gonna stay home 24 7, but when you go back home, show him. Tell him you are the most important thing in life. Now, here at home you are, number one, I'm not gonna receive any calls.
I'm not gonna watch tv. I'm not gonna do anything until I know how was your day? How are you doing? And then the kid would see, yeah, I have my back, my backbone coming. One of the important things also that. Fathers will do with their kids. This is the fourth pillar, is affirming the potential, understanding your child and what is his potential.
In Egypt here, if you don't play soccer your friends at school would tell you, go play with the girls, you're not a boy. And then he faces identity,
[00:41:14] Hunter: confusion and that's a big insult, sadly.
[00:41:17] Bassem Gerges: Yeah. And the US scene thing, if you don't play American football, then you know, go play with the girls and some stuff.
This is very virtual. For a guy. So it's the father's role, one of the father's role. So you know what your child is good at in order to build his confidence. Maybe he's a good musician, maybe he's a good writer. Maybe I'm sure he's good in doing something, playing tennis, swimming, whatever. So he knows it doesn't matter.
It's not like how good you play soccer. That's gonna determine how good you are. This is not it. It's how well you do what you like to do and you are good at, so you don't have to play soccer to prove something to your friends. To me, you are a boy, you're a young man. You are whatever, but they're not gonna choose your identity.
No, don't allow this. But he needs to know his potential. If you don't watch him, and you are the adult here. If you see your child, he doesn't like swimming and he. Don't just put him in swimming classes. Yeah, put him in swimming classes because you don't want him to, you want him to swim, to go into the pool.
If you want him to be like, really, this is, this will become his main sport. Make sure that he loves it, he likes it. Otherwise you're gonna burn him out. And at the age of 14, 15, he's gonna quit sports. That's it. It's not gonna play any sports. He's gonna become, just eating.
That's it. You want to ignite within him the passion for playing sports. Telling him why do we play sports? Why is it good at, and of course he needs to see you playing sports. If you are doing do sports, he's not gonna do it. He's not gonna believe that sports is good for your health or, doing any kind of activities.
So you need to know what your child is good at and affirm this potential and invest. It doesn't have to be what you like, it, it has to be what he likes and what he knows what to do. And you can see, sometimes as parents, we just follow the sheep. We follow the crowd. Oh, guys, are you gonna sign up for the coming swim classes?
Okay. And you, why are you gonna go for the martial arts? Why? All my friends are signing up for soccer. Do you really like soccer or it's just because, kids play soccer and basketball and no. Maybe he's good at something else.
[00:43:43] Hunter: What you're pointing out to is, this is like a main idea like Mindful.
Parenting is this idea of curiosity, and this idea of constant change. Our children are, we are, never are a river. We never step into the same one twice, right? They are constantly changing and growing and they're different all the time. So can we remain? Rather than we're gonna label them as, you're the smart one, you're the sporty one, you're this, that, can we be curious, who are you today?
And that's what you're inviting fathers to do is to say, let me study my child. Let me be curious about who are they? This is so beautiful. Oh my goodness, this is so awesome. But some, there's so much we could talk about this. I love it, but thinking about. This piece, right? What you're doing and what you're doing with the world needs a father in Egypt.
Like you are a force for massively changing generational patterns, which I think is so cool. So if there was something, if there's one thing you could change about how you were raised and bring into the, like into this new generation, if you had to pick just one thing, what would it be?
[00:44:47] Bassem Gerges: I think it would be affirming my potential.
I'm an engineer, I'm a consultant engineer. I love what I'm doing. I love what I'm doing. But when I was young, I was more into acting and playing soccer, like in a professional level. And I think, if I was my dad, I would, would've invested more in taking me to maybe movie makers production learning how to act, acting classes playing more soccer.
I, in a professional team This is something I would do and something else is spending more time with definitely with my father. I remember when, definitely. And quality time. I'm a bit of child with three boys and I remember when we all left home I got married.
I got married really young. Our culture, 24 years old for a man to get married is was a bit young. And I left early, and then my older brother and then my younger brother, and then I saw this kind of loneliness in my dad's eyes. And when he was like 65, he just passed away last year he, when he turned 80.
At the age of 65, 66, I remember when I used to tell him, dad, I'm gonna come and watch a game with you. Oh, are you really coming? Okay, I'm gonna wait for you. And then the minute I walk in, he sits next to me, he hugs me, we watch the tv, and the minute I tell him I need to go back home, he's what?
No, please just stay another cup of coffee, another cup of tea. Just stay. And I would see how much he longs to spend some time with me. And I remember once I told him, I wish we had this time when I had time when I was young. And I know, all my parents, all parents, they would work hard and they want to get good education for the kids.
They want to buy them all these stuff. And, but I know how it was. I love him and he, he did his best. But I learned a lot. I learned that I really wanna spend time with my kids. When they have time. I don't wanna wait until they're very busy and then I get some regret feeling like, wow, where are you now?
I wish I could have spent some more time with you when you're a kid, you know the number one regret if you read the book, five Top Regrets of the Dying The Lady In Wrote yeah, this. Statement about men. Number one, regret In old men. Old men that just approaching under deathbed the main regret.
The top regret is I wish I spent time with my beloved ones and worked much less. And I don't wanna have this, I don't wanna have this regret.
[00:47:43] Hunter: Oh, that's such a beautiful place to leave this whole conversation. I think this is so powerful and I'm so excited for the impact you are making around the world with the world needs a father.
I know that there was like, there were crowds of people super excited about what you had to say at the conference and I, that was so beautiful. But where can people find out more about what you're doing?
[00:48:08] Bassem Gerges: It's the word needs Father is a worldwide movement. It's on the internet.
They can go in on the word needs of father.com or D T W N A G E, which is egypt.com. T w n a f e g.com or the world needs a father, but there is several Facebook pages of the world Needs a Father. So our page is, the word needs a Father Egypt, and they're gonna find some statement in Arabic. So in Arabic called Del.
So they're gonna find Arabic and English on the same Facebook page. I can send you link and they can follow us. Most of you know what we present is in Arabic, but but again, it's all, all the teachings, all the things that we talk about. Is actually in English, in the, in, in the main language is English, but we are trying to translate for the Egyptian and Arab countries to get to know more about fatherhood, where this, word is more of a title than a profession and we'd like to change it to a profession.
[00:49:13] Hunter: I love it. I love what you're doing so much. Basan. Thank you so much for. Coming on the Mindful Mama podcast to talk to me and for all the work that you've done and for your, that vision you had of purpose when you were I'm, I am appreciative of younger Beam Young Father Beam who had this clarity and awareness, so thank you so much for coming on to talk to me today.
[00:49:39] Bassem Gerges: Thank you, hunter, for inviting me. It was it was really a great pleasure and I hope to see you soon in Egypt. Yeah.
[00:49:55] Hunter: Hey, I hope you enjoyed this episode. I love SEM and the world needs a father team in Egypt. Those people are so great when so and I went there, they were so welcoming and they just took care of us from start to finish. I wanna give a special shout out of course to, but also to me and Nabil, two other Egyptian fathers that took such great care of so and I while we were in Egypt.
We were just totally indebted to them. They were really spoiled us and took us to all these wonderful places and took great care of us in Egypt. So thank you to the Twin F team in Egypt. And listen, if you love this episode. Please share it with a friend, share it with some fathers.
It's so important and valuable. We need to celebrate and educate all the, do all the things for fathers. I couldn't appreciate my girl's father, bill Moore. It's so helpful to have an equal partner in Parenting and all the things related to the family in my life. So I hope that you have that too and maybe this episode can help us.
Help more families get to that place of equal partnership. Thank you for listening. Thank you so much. I'm so glad you're here. I can't wait to connect with you again next week. I hope this episode has watered some good seeds in your family that will grow and bloom and give fruit for you. And I will be back again next week with another awesome episode.
We're gonna be talking about good enough digital Parenting. So come back next Tuesday and I will be here. So glad to connect with you. Wishing you a beautiful week filled with peace, and ease and joy and all things. Wonderful. Thank you so much for listening.
[00:51:58] Bassem Gerges: I'd say
[00:51:58] Hunter: definitely
[00:51:59] Bassem Gerges: do it. It's really
[00:52:00] Hunter: helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate
[00:52:04] Bassem Gerges: better and just, I'd say communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse, it's been really a positive influence in our lives. So definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it.
It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much benefit from being a better parent to your children and feeling like you can. More with them and not feeling like you are yelling all the time, or you're like, why isn't things working? I would say definitely enjoy it. It's so worth it.
It'll change you no matter what age someone's child is. It's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's great investment in someone's family. I'm very
[00:52:45] Hunter: thankful I have
[00:52:45] Bassem Gerges: this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working, or you can learn some new tools and gain some perspective to shift.
Everything in your Parenting,
are
[00:53:02] Hunter: you frustrated by Parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies, but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with too much to learn? Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clark Fields, and if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting membership. You'll be joining hundreds of members who have discovered the path of Mindful Parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their Parenting. This isn't just another Parenting class.
This is an opportunity to really discover your unique lasting relationship, not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting connected relationships, not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. Go to. Mindful Parenting course.com to add your name to the wait list, so you will be the first to be notified when I open the membership for enrollment.
I look forward to seeing you on the inside, Mindful Parenting course.com.
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