Calming Our Kids Fears

Calming Our Kids Fears

This morning I woke up to shouting at 5am, and it wasn’t my children, it was me. As I lay in bed feeling my heart race with fear, I realized that despite the truth that my father loved me very much, his yelling, temper, and spanking made me feel profoundly unsafe as a child. I still have nightmares from my father’s temper. My childhood home, which should be a haven of security and safety, left me feeling anxious and insecure. 

Today we are more aware and savvy as parents. We know the importance of mental health, emotional intelligence, and having a secure attachment, and we want better for our children. We want to calm our kids' fears, not make them afraid of us.

So, how do we calm our children’s fears?

#1 START WITH YOURSELF

Like me, you may have been raised with yelling, aggression, and physical punishment leading to feelings of anxiety as an adult. So while in your heart, you want to give your child a calmer, steady home life, your nervous system may be setting you up to fight off a threat. 

Chances are, you may be dealing with issues, traumas, and triggers that pop out like a jump-scare booby trap in an Indiana Jones movie—always when you don't want them. Big feelings and reactions erupt like a volcano and we can feel helpless to stop them. 

If this is you, it’s important to understand that these issues, feelings, and triggers are NOT YOUR FAULT. There is not something bad or wrong about you because feelings of aggression and a temper arise in you. You did not choose to have these feelings or triggers any more than you chose your parents or your genetics. These things are not your fault, but they are your responsibility.

In order to provide our kids with a calm, steadying presence when they’re afraid, we need to be calm and steady ourselves. This means that in order to help our kids, we have to help ourselves first. We have to take steps to understand and heal the triggers from our past.

WARNING: IT’S NOT POSSIBLE TO BYPASS THIS STEP.

Understanding and healing the hurt places from our childhood is uncomfortable, so of course you may want to bypass this, but don’t. As (mostly!) mindful parents, we have to walk our talk. 

For more support in this step you can get help from our resources here like the Raising Good Humans Guided Journal or the Mindful Parenting Course. Please consider talking to a therapist or a friend. Journal. Do everything and anything you can to process and heal. Forgiveness can be a powerful part of this process, freeing you from resentments you may hold. 

[For more tools on calming reactivity and how to stop yelling, click here.]

So our first step is to RECOGNIZE the frustration or triggers. We have to acknowledge them and process them in order to help our kids.

#2 PRACTICE BEING A CALM MOUNTAIN

When kids are fearful or upset, they need our help to regulate their emotions. We can co-regulate upset emotions with them. When parents stay calm and steady, even during challenging moments, they provide a sense of security and stability for our children. This helps children feel safe, knowing that their caregivers are in control and capable of handling whatever comes their way. We can then model appropriate emotional responses, teaching children how to process their own emotions effectively.

On the other hand, if a parent becomes overly emotional or reactive, our feelings can intensify a child's stress or frustration. Children are highly attuned to the emotional states of the adults around them, and when parents exhibit anxiety, anger, or distress, it can escalate a child’s emotional response. 

By practicing a calm, steady presence, parents create a nurturing environment where children can learn to calm themselves and develop healthy coping mechanisms. This consistency in emotional regulation also helps foster resilience, as children gradually internalize the ability to stay composed and grounded in the face of emotional challenges.

How do we practice calm? I suggest setting a little time—it can be 5 minutes or less—each day to sit in quiet. Create a breathing corner in your home with a candle and perhaps a framed quote to inspire you. Talk to your family about how you’re going to prioritize some quiet sitting each day to help you practice mindfulness. [For more on mindfulness practice, click here.]

Some ways to practice being a calm mountain:

• Sit in quiet (practice mindfulness) for 5 minutes each day (guided meditation here)

• Practice 10 mindful breaths several times a day

• Pause and take 3 deep breaths before driving in the car (or getting on the subway)

• Take a few minutes for a minimal yoga practice (here)

• As you breathe in deeply, say to yourself, “I am like a mountain.” As you breathe out say to yourself, “I feel solid.” (from the Plum Village tradition)

#3 SHARE YOUR CALM WITH YOUR CHILD

When your child is fearful or upset, first and foremost acknowledge what’s happening. Validate their feelings. By calmly recognizing what they’re experiencing—whether it’s frustration, sadness, or fear—you’re letting the child know that their feelings are valid. Simple statements like, "I see you're feeling upset" or "It's okay to be sad" can go a long way in helping a child feel understood.

Then, offer your child your calm presence. Sit down nearby, letting them know with or without words that you are there for them. “Do you want a hug?” You may start some deep breathing with longer exhales, both modeling for your child how to calm down and helping you to stay calm in the upset moment. Tell your child, “I’m here for you.”

You don’t necessarily need to solve any problems. Just your steady, listening presence is the most powerful helping and healing thing there is. Share your calm with open-mindedness and acceptance of whatever they are going through.

CREATING RESILIENCE

It is through hundreds of instances of being soothed that children learn to soothe themselves. This is where true resilience comes from—your child knowing that they have a safe, secure person in you. Instead of planting the seeds of disconnection and fear, your calm listening presence waters the seeds of inner confidence and security that will help your child throughout their lives.