6 Things NOT To Do as a Mindful Parent

6 Things NOT To Do as a Mindful Parent

We’re coming up on a new year and it's time to begin anew. We can re-asses and take stock of where we are and where we want to go. 

I want to head in the direction of more peace and joy as a parent. I want things to get easier …especially if things are particularly hard right now, or if it feels like things have always been hard. 

A new year reminds us that what we practice grows stronger, and we can always, always begin anew. 

With that in mind, here are six things NOT to do as a mindful parent in the new year:

#1 Shame and blame yourself or your child

“What were you thinking?” 

“How could you say that to your little brother?” 

“Why can’t you get the As your sister got?”

This kind of shaming language is fairly common, and it may pop into your mind quickly if this was the kind of language used in your household when you grew up. 

According to the Harvard school of Public Health, shaming can make children feel like they cannot change. Instead of motivating them, it may make them feel like they aren’t capable. Shaming may make children feel bad about themselves, lowering their self esteem. 

Same goes with this kind of language towards ourselves. 

Instead of shaming, ask yourself if there’s a better way to change the behavior. Is there something your child needs to learn? If so, how can you teach them without shaming?

#2 Overly judge yourself or others

Kids who feel overly judged and criticized internalize those messages to their detriment. What kids want and crave is to be accepted, and we can show our children that by listening, being present without judgment. The same is true with yourself. 

Our minds naturally judge things as good or bad or neutral, leading us to want more of the good and to push away, or flee from the bad. It’s a human habit. However mindfulness offers us an alternative to the judgment: simply be with what is. 

When you can practice non-judgment, or simply being with what is, you no longer need to fix or change anything. It allows space for curiosity and gives you more awareness. 

How do you do this? Start to just notice judgment, “Oh, there’s judgment again!” This interrupts the pattern and gives you the opportunity to simply observe instead.

#3 Physically force your child to do things

According to the American Psychological Association, physical discipline is harmful and ineffective.  Research shows that spanking is associated with increases in mental health problems in childhood and adulthood, delinquent behavior in childhood and criminal behavior in adulthood, negative parent-child relationships, and increased risk that children will be physically abused (Gershoff 2013).

What works instead? Modeling, guidance, and teaching. Doing better requires a mindset shift—a change of intention. I want my children not to just learn how to win at all costs, but to be able to cooperate with others—to be able to respect themselves and respect others. We need to shift our mindset to see that we are always modeling, and our kids are always learning. 

#4 Compare yourself to other parents

Comparing yourself to others can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, anxiety, and unhappiness. You are essentially judging your own worth based on someone else's life experiences and circumstances which you don’t completely understand. 

Comparing to other parents, whether IRL or on social media distracts you from focusing on your own unique journey and potential for growth, and can ultimately rob you of joy and contentment with your own family. 

How to stop? Like with judging, start to notice, “Hello comparison. I see you there,” interrupting the pattern.

#5 Say “Good job!” and overly praise your child

We want to bolster their confidence, but “good job!” and too much generic praise can actually be detrimental. Why? It can make kids reliant on external validation, meaning that they aren’t internally confident, they’re relying on you and other authority figures to tell them they’re okay and their ideas are good. 

Research shows that kids who are lavishly praised by their teachers are less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with others. 

“Good job!” doesn’t increase their confidence. Ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. 

What to do instead? You may not have to say anything. You can reflect it back to them with, “I bet that feels good,” or you can describe what you see, “You made breakfast by yourself,” or just “You did it.”

#6 Focus on what’s wrong with yourself and others

We all have negativity bias—to help us survive, the brain looks for, reacts to, stores, and recalls negative information preferentially over positive information. 

Psychologist Rick Hanson summed up the human mind’s propensity with this statement,“The mind is like Velcro for negative experiences, and Teflon for positive ones.”  We naturally give more attention to difficulties and bad news. Yikes.

Are we doomed to be miserable? No. The good news is that this can be changed—we can actually use the mind, to shift the brain, to change the mind. We can use the brain’s natural “plasticity,” or ability to change, to literally reshape the brain and change our nervous systems.

Again, the key is to notice, “There’s that negativity bias again—hello,” thereby interrupting the pattern. When you notice it, don’t judge yourself for it (it’s a natural human tendency), and shift your focus to what you or your child does that is kind, generous, helpful, or generally positive. 

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Which of these six things would you like to focus on in the new year? 

For more on becoming a more mindful parent, click here to check out this blog post, What Is Mindful Parenting? and get a copy of my international best-seller, Raising Good Humans.