Dr. Ken Ginsburg is a physician, adolescent medicine specialist, and Professor of Pediatrics at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. He supports families and organizations in programs and policies that strengthen families and see young people through a strength-based lens. He is the author of 5 award-winning parenting books and a toolkit for youth-serving professionals. His most recent books are "Congrats You’re Having a Teen: Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good Person" and "Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings (4th edition)," both published by The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). The AAP has also published a multimedia toolkit “Reaching Teens: Strength-Based, Trauma-sensitive, Resilience-building Communication Strategies Rooted in Positive Youth Development".
501: Congrats! You're Having a Teen
Dr. Ken Ginsburg
Most people profoundly misunderstand the teen years and the myths around teens hurt both parents and kids. Learn what toxic beliefs to let go of and how to position yourself as a guide for the best possible outcomes for your child. Hunter talks to Dr. Ken Ginsburg about how to parent teens. Learn how to approach homework!
Ep 501: Congrats! You're Having a Teen w/ Dr. Ken Ginsburg
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: Why are these beliefs dangerous? The fundamental question that a parent has when their kids enter adolescence is, “Do I still matter? Can I still make a difference?” And my point is, why are these even questions? And they're questions, because of a misunderstanding of adolescence. And along with that misunderstanding of adolescence comes some some very concrete myths. And if you believe these myths, you're going to believe you don't matter.
[00:00:36] Hunter: You're listening to The Mindful Parenting Podcast, episode number 501. Holy schmoly. Today, we're talking about congrats, you're having a teen with Dr. Ken Ginsberg.
Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. I'm Mindful Parenting. We know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarke-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course at Mindful Parenting. And I'm the author of the international bestseller, Raising Good Humans, and now, Raising Good Humans Every Day, 50 Simple Ways to Press Pause, Stay Present, and Connect with Your Kids.
Hello, welcome. Welcome to the Mindful Parenting Podcast. I'm glad you're here. If you've gotten some value out of this podcast ever before, if you're listening again, please tell a friend about it. Share it with one friend and your word of mouth means all the world to me and my team to help us keep putting this podcast out every week.
So please just tell a friend. And if you're brand new, welcome. One awesome episode to jump into. In just a moment, I'm going to be sitting down with Dr. Ken Ginsberg, a physician. Adolescent Medicine Specialist and Professor of Pediatrics at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. He supports families and organizations and programs and policies that strengthen families and see young people through a strength based lens, and he's the author of five award winning parenting books and a toolkit for youth serving professionals. And his most recent books are Congrats You're Having a Teen and Building Resilience in Children and Teens. Both published by the American Academy of Pediatrics. And we talk about how most people profoundly misunderstand the teen years and that the myths around teens, how they hurt both parents and kids. So whether you have a teen or young person, this episode is definitely going to be applicable to you because we talk about that. Sort of the things leading up to the teen years. You're going to learn what toxic beliefs to let go of and how to position yourself as a guide and for the best possible outcomes for your child. So we're going to talk about how to parent teens and even what to do about homework. You'll hear that Dr. Ginsburg and I agree about homework, and it may not be what you think. join me at the table as I talk to Dr. Ken Ginsberg.
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[00:03:53] Mindful Mama Member: Hunter's program that really drew me in was that it wasn't just on like how do we practice mindfulness. It incorporated the communication and the problem solving and went a lot deeper. It was really, amazing to be going through this process and have that, weekly support that extended beyond just our teacher training, really. The whole process was really well laid out and organized and having the materials from a teacher perspective was really nice as well. The course is so thorough, you're given every single bit of material that you could possibly need. This is really a community reaching far and wide. And I think that this program, because it works on decreasing your inner stress response and taking care of yourself, so then you can give that back to your children and model that behavior for your children as they're growing up into adulthood. Just seeing the positive changes in my own family and knowing that, as I continue to spread that into the community, that will be, like, just even more far reaching.
[00:04:54] Hunter: Enrollment is open now and there are limited spots available. Step into your dream of becoming a Mindful Parenting coach. Find out more at MindfulParentingCourse.com/teach. That's MindfulParentingCourse.com/teach.
Dr. Ken Ginsberg, thank you so much for coming on the Mindful Parenting Podcast. I'm so glad you're here.
[00:05:30] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: Hunter, I am glad to be here. Thank you.
[00:05:32] Hunter: All right. and we've established that we don't live too far from each other. Mid Atlantic, Philadelphia area represent. So I'm looking forward to talking about teens as the, as a parent of two teens.
And, and I know we're going to talk about some things for if you have younger kids, some things that'll help you have better relationships with your teens. So hang in there. We'll be talking about that too. But before we dive into all that, I'd love to know, we talk a lot about parenting and how were you raised and what was your childhood like? do you do some of this work in an homage or a reaction maybe to some of your own upbringing?
[00:06:17] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: Maybe both. I often will go out to dinner with a friend and I'll say like a friend from high school and I'll be, if only I knew that I was taking notes the whole time, right? On all of our parents and on my own parents that. I was taking notes about, who I wanted to be in the future. And ultimately, of course, who I, how I wanted to teach other people how to be effective. I had good, loving parents, who had two very different parenting styles. even when, what we know about parenting style, my dad was very strict. He was authoritarian. He'll do what I say. Why? Because I said so. And my mother was the perfect balancing act, I knew that I had rules and I knew that they existed because she loved me and I knew that her love was absolutely unconditional. so they actually had, they were both, don't get me wrong, they were both very good parents, they both cared about me. But they had very different styles, and I definitely reacted differently to that as a result.
[00:07:22] Hunter: And now, I also had an authoritarian father who said, do as I say because I said to do it, and when I would ask why. And for us, our relationship was hurt, for many years, although he had a lot of, a big temper. I got his big temper from him, but, so there were other factors, I'm sure, but I'm, I wonder, did, it make it so as you moved into adulthood, your relationship with your mother was stronger?
[00:07:50] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: My relationship with my mother was always very strong. What I will say is that it took me to become an adult. to have a good relationship with my dad, right? To understand that his strictness was really the way he loved and the way he protected. so, much of my life is about making people understand who children are developmentally, how we respond or are responsive to their needs based on their development. And, my father was a wonderful parent, an adult. And it didn't really give the room, to, to be a child and to make all the mistakes that children have to make to learn. And who did I become? I became a nursery school teacher. I became a pediatrician. I became a person who thinks about nothing but how to develop children to their potential. So I feel blessed all around because you learn from everything one way or another.
[00:09:00] Hunter: yeah, Okay, beautiful. I love that. I think that's the best reaction to whatever, lemons and challenges and all life gives us is what do I learn from this? What am I, what is it going to teach me? That's beautiful. Okay, so when I tell people I have two teenage daughters. A lot of people will start to, roll their eyes, they'll offer me their condolences. And I'm like, what are you talking about? I love having teenagers. They're amazing. But what are some of the beliefs behind that kind of thinking and why do these beliefs perpetuate?
[00:09:40] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: Can we take it up a level? Why are these beliefs dangerous? Why? When their kids enter adolescence is, do I still matter? Can I still make a difference? And my point is, why are these even questions? And they're questions because of a misunderstanding of adolescence. And along with that misunderstanding of adolescence comes some very concrete myths. And if you believe these myths, you're going to believe you don't matter. For example, if you believe that kids don't like their parents, and they don't care what adults think, that is the furthest thing from the truth. But if you believe that, you will disengage instead of take the opportunity to develop. If you believe that kids are inherently risky, then they're just destined for trouble. If you believe that they think they're invulnerable, none of that is true. But if you believe that, then what you're gonna do is protect them from themselves instead of teach them how to manage their lives and guide them. If you believe that adolescents can't be reasoned with, you won't talk to them. And I can teach you how to talk to an adolescent so that they will listen and they will hear and they will have the wisdom of an adult.
But Hunter, let me say something else. people roll their eyes when you say you have an adolescent. So when does it begin? You're in the grocery store line, your kid is 11 years old, her head's on your shoulder, you're having one of those great moments, and the mother behind you says, get those hugs while you can, she's gonna become a monster you won't recognize, right?
[00:11:31] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:11:33] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: This is poison, because what happens is, you become fearful of this amazing developmental stage. And as a result, you're going to disengage instead of engage. But I'll tell you, the worst thing that's happening, Hunter, is not what it's doing to you. It's what it's doing to your child because she is also hearing that conversation. And what is her question? Ours is, do we still matter? Her biggest question is, who am I? and am I normal? And how do I fit in? And she is collecting data as a 10 or 11 year old. Who am I supposed to be? What does normal look like? What are these next years? What are they going to seem like? And when she receives a message, these are years that my mother fears and that in order for me to be normal, I have to cause trouble in the home or separate or that she does have to separate. Like disconnect from my mother, this is poison. These are mythologies that we need to refute. And that's literally what my last book attempted to do. is refute them, turn them on their head, and talk about how to develop.
[00:12:47] Hunter: That's amazing, and I think that's so helpful, and I agree completely, and I try to do that, I say to, parents are afraid, they're afraid because of this stuff. And I say, actually, this is a great time. My kids are great people. I like hanging out with them. They're wonderful people that it's beautiful to see these things.
[00:13:11] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: It is beautiful to see the changes, but it's also important to understand that myths usually come from something. The truth is kids will push you away. And if you believe they're pushing you away because they don't like you, you move away. But instead, if you understand what's going on, we're raising little kids in this warm and fluffy nest, right? These two birds, one or two birds come bring juicy worms. The kid goes and eats them. And then, and life is good. The nest is fluffy. It's comfortable. You get what you need. Then you have brain puberty, which is even before your body begins changing. And your brain puberty says, I'm going to become independent. That means you have to look at that nest. And you have to begin seeing that it's actually a little bit prickly. You have to imagine that these big birds bringing you the big juicy worms, not only do you not need them, but in fact, it's embarrassing the way they breathe. And then ultimately when they become in high school, late in high school, and they have to fly from the nest, they have to see the nest not only as prickly, but as uninhabitable.
What's important for our listeners to understand is that sometimes our children push us away In the journey towards adolescence, sometimes they might even pretend that they don't like us. Because they love us so much it hurts, and they can't imagine how to become independent unless they temporarily, Push you away. And when you know that you can breathe and you can take those moments of discomfort and say, my child's developing. How do I be their support system to do so rather than take it personally?
[00:15:08] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
[00:16:16] Hunter: It sounds like that is the key, it's let's not take this personally, let's not make this mean something about me, because everyone has that moment, some moment in their child's life when they say, I hate you or whatever, and it doesn't necessarily mean that, and we can, take that not so personally maybe when they're six or five, and then suddenly we take it more personally when they're adolescents or when they're teenagers. We had Dr. Gordon Neufeld on recently, and he talked about this idea of his book that they re released, Hold On to Your Kids, this idea that we're, when kids are separating. We, we should be, holding on to that relationship. We should be still a primary attachment figure in their lives. How do we navigate this moment, these moments of kids pushing away and then us saying, okay, if, if I have the wherewithal to say, I'm not going to take it personally, but I want to be there. In my kid's life, I want to be there and connected still. How do, what are some of the best ways we can navigate it if we have that understanding?
[00:17:38] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: So I'm going to take it a step further, not surprisingly, which is, let's not just think about adolescence. I want our relationships to last for 60, 70 years. Our goal is not independence. Human beings thrive best when they are interdependent with each other. That's when they thrive best, right? So we are not just not pushing them away now, we are creating the kind of relationship that will thrive until you have great grandchildren and these are now your child is a grandmother.
That's the goal. So the thing is, we want to position ourselves as guides, not as control figures. Because adolescence is about, figuring out who you are. When parents become overly controlling, flies in the face of your development. And when it flies in the face of your development, you push your parents away, you fly from the nest, and you never want to come back. Because no human being wants to be controlled, but all human beings want to be loved. All human beings want to be nurtured. All human beings want to be guided. So when we put on the hats of loving guides, when our love is so unconditional, that our child, that when our child is going through adolescence with its topsy turvy moments and its Mean Girl Periods of Time. What they know is that the person who knows me the best, my dad, my mom, loves me through it all. remember this, just to be a little poetic, melodramatic, whatever words you want to choose. Why do we love? We love so that our children know they are worthy of being loved. When we are those people, that no matter how hard life gets, we are there for them. No matter how confusing our life gets, I'm not going to tell you what you have to do, but I'm going to guide you. Not to control you, but to prepare you. When we do that, our relationships will last for decades.
[00:20:01] Hunter: Yeah, I love this, because you're talking about the middle path, between trying to control them and just like total freedom, I don't care, like this is the middle path of here are some guidelines, I'm here for you, I'm listening, I'm a coach, I'm a guide, but you are living your life.
I am not in control of every aspect of your life, you are the one living your life.
[00:20:27] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: Sterling, I love you so much, but I'm not your friend, I'm your father, which is way better for you, right? And I'm going to let you make mistakes because that's how you're going to grow. But for those things that can actually hurt you physically, or make you not the kind of person I know you're capable of being. You will do what I say if it's going to hurt you, and we will talk about it if it's not, if you're not living up to your values, because I know who you are. That is balanced parenting, what I call lighthouse parenting, right? That is the way, that is the middle road. It is literally the balance between loving and guiding and monitoring. But guiding and monitoring has to always be put into the right context. I guide not to control. I guide to prepare. And I do all of this because I care about you or I love you. You don't have to say that every day, every sentence, but that's the picture your child wants. They're always going to want you in their life.
[00:21:32] Hunter: I love this. okay. So you talked about letting them make mistakes. I feel like that's a really challenging issue and I was, going to talk about this sort of later, but I, think this is such an important thing, especially as we get into adolescence and, but even if you're a parent of younger children, this is a thing Let's talk about like school and, academics, right? So in our house, we're very hands off parents, but my kids still feel a ton of pressure to do really well in school because it's like a very scary, uncertain world, right? But there's a lot of parents who are really very involved academically. One of the things I, I talked about with some parents in mindful parenting is this idea of of letting your kids make mistakes, letting them own some problems. And one of the things that letting that they can own is their homework, their schoolwork, where you can set up some conditions, you can be encouraging. It's their thing to do their homework, right? It's not your thing to make sure, it's not your job to make sure their homework gets done. It's their job to make sure their homework gets done. Do you, how do you feel about, considering like teens and their development, how do you feel about What role should parents be playing in, monitoring or not monitoring kids schoolwork and academics? Is this a place where kids can make some mistakes?
[00:23:00] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: Absolutely. I agree with everything you said, Hunter. And once again, I want to apply a metaphor to it so that your families can actually think, when do I jump in and when do I not? the puzzle of adolescence is who am I, right? That's what they're trying to figure out. If you put together a puzzle, how do you begin? You put together the edges first, right?
Those, and then after that, you put together the colors, like you put together the reds and the blues, and you look at the reds and you go, gosh, I wonder whether it's going to be a cherry or a balloon, right? And then there's all the pieces in the middle that you're going to have to guess at. what is our job? The first thing is for us to put out clear boundaries, beyond which they cannot stray. Then, we are the role models. Because you know when they were putting together those reds and guessing what it was going to be? What did they do? You look at the picture on the box, because you don't have the patience. We're the picture on the box. So we set clear boundaries. And then we, role model what the right behaviors are. Then, as long as, so my families, the families that, I care for, will often say to each other, is this an in the box or out of the box problem? And if it's outside the puzzle box, meaning in unsafe territory, parents jump in. If it's inside the box, then what you want to do is you want to model for your kid what matters. we talked about my dad earlier, who wasn't very child centered, but you know what he was? He was a man with unbelievable integrity and sense of responsibility. while he also pressured me in school so much, the stuff I really learned from was responsibility, integrity, right?
Then what happens, so that's the picture in the box. Now there's all these pieces. This is where they have to fumble. They have to try to put them together, they have to fall apart sometimes to figure out how to create the better fit. Now, not every parent listening is going to love what I'm about to say, school is inside the box. No one has ever been hurt, physically, from a B ever. Not even from a C gives you lessons. A B teaches you what next step you need to get the A. And if we take that away from our kids They're not going to learn how to make the mistakes and recover, which is what adolescence is about. when we're thinking academically, we should be raising our kids with two thoughts in mind. One, who is the 35 year old that I'm raising? Two, how do I get my kid a second job? Because your high school grades only get you into college. And kids in that college will determine, maybe, what their first job is. This generation's staying at their first job for a year or two. The person, or the second boss, calls the first boss. I promise you, she doesn't say to the first boss, Did she make captain of the lacrosse team? Did she? What was that B minus in chemistry all about? That is, never gonna happen. What's going to happen is they're going to say, does she get along with other people? Does she learn on the job? Does she collaborate?
Those are the things. is she a pleasant to work around? These are the things that really matter. So focus on that. Let your kid learn their life lessons in the territory to quote you, Hunter. in the territory that they own and let them own some territory and learn their lessons there. Can I say one other thing about school?
[00:27:10] Hunter: Yeah, please do. No, I think this is great because it's so needed, right? we get so crazy, cuckoo crazy about school and making it happen. Yeah, go ahead.
[00:27:21] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: I'll tell you another reason why you have to be able to fail sometimes. Human beings are uneven and it is through understanding what comes naturally to you What you're interested in, what you don't seem to be able to get no matter how much help you get, that you learn who you are. And when we set this idea, when we say to kids, all you have to do is work hard and you'll get, and you'll get all A's and it'll all work out. That's just not true. People are uneven. And what we want is every single person finishing their primary education or their high school education knowing who they are and being satisfied in it. We talk so much about academic pressure. What about the kids at Hoosie Gifts? are in the creative arts. I want them to also graduate feeling empowered and alive and proud and I don't want us to just have this monolithic view of what academic success looks like.
[00:28:25] Hunter: Yeah, and I think this idea of that we can let them fail, It's, I always think it's very practically, it's so much better for your kids to fail a class when they're 14 or whatever, and then they're home and they've got a safe landing and you can work on it, all's fine, and if you're holding their hand every second until they get to be 18 and then they go to college, what's going to happen then if they fail? It’s better to learn those lessons a little earlier in some ways than to, to, have that. A snowplow, push all the snow out of the way, before you get to college.
[00:29:03] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: In the real world, if I leave my, paper report at home, my mommy doesn't bring it to me.
[00:29:09] Hunter: Yeah.
[00:29:11] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: I, own the consequences and I'm less likely to leave it home next time.
[00:29:15] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah. I know it can be hard. It can be really hard not to, bring in those lunches or all those different things. We had a, yeah, we had a moment was our teenager. The reason why I was at your hospital, CHOP, Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, is my daughter has, diagnosis of amplified musculoskeletal pain syndrome. And, And she, there's dietary things and she, it triggers a lot of fear and worry and how did at certain points in her life more so than others. And anyway, we chose not to bring her lunch because she could get another lunch at school. That was fine with her dietary restrictions, but she spiraled and it was interesting to, it was hard to do that. It was really hard to, get these texts from my daughter that were just like freaking out and just, but I think now like looking back on that, like she, needed to see what happened when she didn't, when, she didn't help herself get, get back to a little bit more equilibrium and get to, when it got bad, anyway, it's hard, but it was really hard to go through that moment.
[00:30:35] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: You know what I think is really important, Hunter? Like here's you and I looking at each other, and we're both parenting experts with the word experts in the quotes, right? I just think it's critically important for people to hear two parenting experts say, it's really hard, right? I have answers to almost any question that you're going to ask me about parenting. That doesn't mean I think it's easy. If I thought it was easy, we wouldn't be having this conversation, right? And sometimes you just have to talk to yourself and the conversation you have with yourself is. What do I do best as a parent? And the answer is, I prepare them to be an adult. And sometimes that flies in the face of your instinct, which is to be protective. But if you understand that sometimes protecting in the moment is exactly how you don't prepare your child for the future. So you take the deep breath, you say, it's really hard, and you say, my adult child's going to be better for this.
[00:31:47] Hunter: Yeah, that day ended up in a- we had an intense talk and I remember saying to her like, I'm, not listening to your pain because your pain is a liar and it's not telling, you are more than this, right? and that's part of this whole thing is the teen years are this identity Exploration time. How do, maybe we can think about like how do parents, how do parents, how can we be accepting, how can we do that, that loving unconditionally, of all the different identity explorations that happen. And what are some of the identity explorations that you're seeing now with kids in this time of life?
[00:32:37] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: the most important thing is that your child will be trying on different hats as they're figuring out who they are. But their core identity, who they actually are, is what you know best. And the most protective thing in a young life? Is to have the person who really knows who they are, love them without condition and choose to love them.
[00:33:06] Hunter: Stay tuned for More Mindful Mama Podcasts. Right after this break.
[00:34:06] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: You know your child's integrity, compassion, resilience, sense of humor. You know their insight. You know all of their character traits, right? Their sense of gratitude, their kindness. This is who your child is, and your focusing on that is deeply, protective as they try on different hats. Because you become their North Star or their lighthouse that they're going to look back for when they are confused themselves who they are.
Because adolescents can be tough trying to fit in with different crowds. You want them to look back and go, who knows me, who really knows me? Laila, and she loves me. She knows I'm a pain in the butt sometimes, but she loves me. And I am a person who cares about being compassionate to other people. That's who I am. And gosh, I sure didn't behave like that with. this situation. That's what we focus on. It's not that we dance to every new identity, right? It is that we let our child figure out who they are. We love them without condition and accept them fully, no matter where they land, but we are the keeper of who they are. And they're in their most central nature. And when your child, is acting out or, misbehaves in some major way, this is also how you get your child back, right? Because they're confused. But if you're not confused about their essential nature, That's highly protective.
Wearing the doctor hat for a minute, I work with lots of kids with chronic disease, including amplified pain, which is, I'm not going to say that's a disease, but a condition. And my message to parents is always this, is an element of who your child is. The way in which this condition will hurt your child more than anything else, is if you define them as this condition and forget. So let me use a classic example of diabetes. There's not a lot of room for error with type 1 diabetes in terms of taking your medicine. There's not a lot of room for error. So parents, until they're young people, are able to manage things themselves. are justifiably controlling. And the messaging that I'm always going to give is, control this, but let them mess up in every other aspect of their life. Because if we take away their ability to make mistakes and have errors, that's going to hurt them more than the condition is.
[00:37:06] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah. I, appreciate that. And I think that's so true. And that's something that I'm, as, I've been fighting to Hey, remember, like you, you hiked the Appalachian Trail, you're an Eagle Scout. You're this, you're, I like you, these are the things that you are as well. I think that sometimes kids can identify with, and that's part of the mental health crisis right now. we know that there is a teen mental health crisis. along with. Other challenges, kids have challenges like anxieties and different things like that. And we know that, and I've been wondering about this, there's been some evidence that's come out recently that this sort of conversation about mental health, may be encouraging and the way it's presented, especially in like on TikTok and social media and things like that, may encourage especially teens to interpret their normal teen difficulties as mental health problems when they're not. What are you seeing with that and how should parents. I don't react and respond to, kids who are worried.
[00:38:14] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: So we never want to deny any emotion, right? We never want to say, this is not real, or this is not what you're feeling. We never want to do that. But what we want to do is frame it in a way that is reasonable.
You asked about my childhood and I had a great childhood, more or less, except for about eight months where I was deeply and profoundly and scarily depressed. And part of the reason for that is that I'm a pretty intense human being. I have really strong intuition, I think all the time, and I'm really sensitive. And I want to tell you that I was told so many times in so many different ways that I just think too much and that I'm just too sensitive. And you know what, Hunter, those were my, Superpowers. So they really were not problems. They were superpowers I hadn't grown into yet. So for those parents, you have kids with anxiety or with depression, don't say you think too much. Use the language of resilience. Your greatest strength is how deeply you think. Your challenge is going to be to learn to manage your intelligence in a way that it doesn't create harm for you. Your greatest strength is your sensitivity. Your challenge is going to learn to manage it so that it doesn't hurt you as you're feeling so fully, right? So these things I don't like. Are they mental health issues? Would you get, could you check off a box? Yes, you could. What? I want to point out that kids are developing and that the greatest feelers become the best fathers and lovers and bosses and mothers and colleagues, and this is just true. Let me say one other thing about mental health crisis.
I actually am not loving the way the mental health crisis is being depicted because many of our kids are deeply resilient. Even when they are sad, depressed, or anxious. Even then. But also, I would challenge any viewer to, when we, when they listen to this, go to Google or a search engine and go look for the images around mental health crisis. Almost all the images are going to be a child recovering their face. and the meta message is you can't reach this kid. So this mental health crisis language is actually creating a generation of adults who believe that we can't make a difference for kids. The adults are getting overwhelmed. Center for Parent and Teen Communication, our, social media campaign was Stand By Teens. Because the point is, yes, teenagers may be stressed. You don't need a PhD to know what to do. You show up, you stand with them, you love without condition, and if they need more support professionally than you know how to offer, you make it clear that they deserve the support, but they're never losing you as their primary support person. They just need a professional who can help them in ways that you can't.
[00:41:49] Hunter: I love that language. I think that idea of framing our, challenges and, our, intensities, I could relate so much to you saying I think so much, I feel so deeply, I, that was totally me. And I was totally told I was too sensitive. And. Yeah, I, wish someone had said, this is your strength, you just have to manage it, right? Like that.
[00:42:13] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: Wouldn't you be running a podcast to teach parents how to be more, wow.
[00:42:19] Hunter: Yeah. It's a-
[00:42:20] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: superpower.
[00:42:21] Hunter: Yeah. I had no idea. All right. For parents of young kids who are listening to this thinking, okay, I maybe want to reframe some ideas I had, some of those myths, some of those beliefs, but what can parents do when kids are younger to, make those good relationships, so that kids will, they'll trust their kids enough to give them some freedom and their kids will trust them enough to listen to their guidance.
[00:42:53] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: A couple points. Almost every point I make about adolescence holds for younger children as well. We know the parenting style that works best. It is this balancing act between loving and caring and being responsive to a kid's needs, which is fancy talk for flexible, right? And giving clear boundaries, clear rules in the context of love. If you do that, we know that your child will have better emotional outcomes, meaning less depression, less anxiety, better academic outcomes, and way better behavioral outcomes, meaning less likely to use drugs and less likely to be bullied. My own research, half as likely to be in a car crash, right? In almost every category, kids do better when their parents both have rules and express love.
But let's go one step further, Hunter. Ultimately, what matters most is not the little things. What matters most is that when your kid really needs you, they're going to turn to you. And you don't know when that time is going to be, and you don't know what the circumstance is going to be. But you want to be there, because that's when you're going to save your kid's life, or your child's going to come back from a difficult circumstance. The question is, will you be a parent that your child talks to? And, and here's what we know. The first thing is, don't be your child's why. Because friends come and go. Especially during adolescence. You worry so much about being judged by your friends, about losing them. You have to fit into this box, try on that hat.
That's why it's so hard sometimes to be 13 or 14. When parents try too hard to be their child's friends, what actually happens is that the child becomes worried about disappointing their parents. or losing their parents. So you'll know when things are going well. You'll have a good time. You'll have a fun, chummy relationship. But when your child really needs you and is suffering, they're not going to come to disappoint you. Because friendship is one act of judgment. Let's keep going. They're paying attention to how you judge generally. Hunter, you may not have noticed this, but oh my gosh, society. It's nothing but divisiveness. We're moving into these different corners. You can watch one TV station that says everybody who disagrees with you is blank. You go to the other station, everyone who disagrees with you is blank. It is a divided country. This is tragic, not only for our country and our nation's well being, but because our children are watching us. And they are learning, when my mother doesn't agree with someone, she really looks down on them. This is terrible. What are you saying about neighbors, about other siblings, about the former spouse you're divorced to? This is all data. What you want is for your child to know that while you care about values, you care about morality and gosh you care about safety, you are not about judging them, you are about supporting them and preparing them.
And then the final piece, is how do we judge ourselves. This generation of parents is so tough on ourselves. That when we mess up, we get down on ourselves. Everyone around us knows how disappointed we are. When we practice self compassion, when we mess up, when you're juggling too many balls and some drop on the ground, leave some of those balls there and don't hate yourself for taking on too much. When we are self compassionate, our kids are getting this meta message And the message is, when I am needed, gosh, they're going to be there for me and they're not going to stop loving me because they know who I am. So when you ask this question, I think I could have given like simple answers that weren't like as dramatic, but golly, this is what it's about. This is what it's about. It's not about whether your kid gets the A. My God, it's about whether your kid who's struggling knows you're going to be there for them, right? Yes. And this is what it takes. And when you are that person during adolescence, you're going through things you can't imagine and you don't even know if you'll like yourself, but your mom shows up and your dad shows up and they love you, you're going to have the best relationship when you're 80 and they're 50.
[00:48:07] Hunter: Yes, I have nothing to say to top that. That's beautiful. Again, I appreciate these words so much. yeah, choose to love them. Kids are listening to your judgments. Practice self compassion. Yes. Of course. Yes, All of these things. thank you. Thank you for coming and talking to us today on the Mindful Parenting Podcast.
Thanks for all the books you've written and the work that you do. I really, appreciate that. Is there anything we missed that you'd like to share or any, and also where can people find you to continue the conversation?
[00:48:50] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: Yeah. So first off, Hunter, it was a total privilege. And because you let me end in a place that feels deeply real to me. I don't know that I have anything to add, you summarized it so gorgeously. I write books on behalf of the American Academy of Pediatrics, and, certainly people can look for those books, and I hope that they serve them well. but the information on the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, parentandteen.com, is available for absolutely free. Share, share, away. All of the things we've talked about are there, and, there's also information for your teenager, because teenagers, I want to tell you something, Hunter, not this year, but the year before, we had 42,000 kids turn to our materials because they wanted to repair their relationship with their parents. And we just made more material. So I don't know what the numbers are this year. but, kids want to do right by us as well. They really do love us. Please don't believe for a minute that, that they don't.
[00:50:16] Hunter: Yeah. Don't believe those myths. Let the, let's, take them down everywhere. We hear them, your listener, please. Dr. Ginsberg, thank you so very much. It's really been an honor. I really enjoyed talking to you and, I really, appreciate it.
[00:50:33] Dr. Ken Ginsburg: My pleasure.
[00:50:38] Hunter: Thank you so much for listening. I'm so glad you were here. I hope that this conversation helped you. Maybe it'll help, your friends. This might be the episode to share with a friend because of the homework question, right? I know, it's an uncomfortable truth, but it is, it's their problem. So yes, if you caught something out of this, please do share it with a friend.
That helps enormously for us to keep creating and putting out this podcast for you. So please do share it with a friend. And I'm wishing you a great week. I wish you all the best. I hope this has watered all your good seeds, and I can't wait to connect with you again really soon. I'll be back. I'll be back, my friend.
I'm not going anywhere as far as I know. I'll be back next week. So talk to you then. Take care. Namaste.
[00:51:40] Mindful Mama Member: I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate better and just I'd say communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse. It's been really a positive influence in our lives. So definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it. It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much. Being a better parent to your children and feeling like you're connecting more with them and not feeling like you're yelling all the time or you're like, why isn't this working? I would say definitely do it. It's so, worth it. It'll change you. No matter what age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's a great investment in someone's family. I'm very thankful I have this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working. You can learn some new tools and gain some perspective to shift everything in your parenting.
[00:52:44] Hunter: Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies, but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with too much to learn? Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clarke-Fields. And if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting membership. You will be joining hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class. This is an opportunity to really discover your unique, lasting relationship, not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting, connected relationships, not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. Go to MindfulParentingCourse.com to add your name to the wait list, so you will be the first to be notified when I open the membership for enrollment. I look forward to seeing you on the inside mindful parenting course.com.
Before we dive into this episode, I have a very special invitation for you. Come with me to a beachfront Paradise for five days for a powerful personal growth retreat. I'm hosting Bloom in Tulum. where we will start our days with mindfulness and yoga, eat amazing fresh food, dive into transformative personal growth work, dive into the turquoise waters at the beach or the pool, and perhaps even have a glass of wine and a dance party together. Does this sound good to you? I have a limited number of spots available for this day. All inclusive retreat this October. Learn more and apply now at bloomintulum.com. B-L-O-O-M-I-N-T-U-L-U-M.com. Don't wait. Spots are filling up. Bloomintulum.com.
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