Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour blends ancient wisdom with modern psychology, focusing on women &, mental health through mindfulness, meditation, and trauma-informed care, holding degrees in Psychology, Counseling, and a PhD in Clinical Psychology.
504: How To Deal with Back-To-School Stress
Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour
Back-to-school season can bring a lot of stress to parents and kids! Sometimes we get in a feedback loop—their stress makes us anxious, then our anxiety makes them more scared. Yikes!
Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour helps us process the stress through mindfulness—sharing what to do when rumination gets to be too much.
How To Deal with Back-To-School Stress - Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour
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*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: So I think that feeling of uncertainty, we know there is this known that we're going to go back, but this uncertainty of all of the different kinds of, dynamics that are going to play a role in it, I think, bring up a lot of stress.
[00:00:17] Hunter: You're listening to The Mindful Parenting Podcast, episode number 504. Today, we're talking about how to deal with back to school stress with Dr. Ayesha Suneja Seymour.
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting Podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Parenting, we know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarke-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years, I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course, and I'm the author of the international bestseller Raising Good Humans and now Raising Good Humans Every Day, 50 Simple Ways to Press Pause, Stay Present, and Connect with Your Kids.
Hello, and welcome back to the Mindful Parenting Podcast. So glad you're here. Make sure you're you like, subscribed it, and you're sharing it with a friend. And hey, a special welcome new to new listeners. In just a moment, I'm going to be sitting down with Dr. Ayesha Suneja Seymour. Who blends ancient wisdom with modern psychology, focusing on women and mental health through mindfulness, meditation, and trauma informed care, holding degrees in psychology counseling and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. We're going to talk about the back to school season, how it can bring up a lot of stress for parents and kids, and sometimes we get in this crazy feedback loop, right? Kid stress makes us anxious, then our anxiety makes them more scared. Crazy. Dr. Ayesha helps us process this stress through mindfulness and sharing what to do when rumination gets to be too much.
This came out to be a surprisingly powerful episode. I know that you're going to get so much. So please join me at the table as I talk to Dr. Ayesha.
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Dr. Ayesha, thank you so much for coming on the Mindful Parenting podcast. I'm so happy to be here, Hunter. Thank you so much for having me. I'm happy to be here too. So we are in the season, we're in the Baptist call season. Things are getting crazy. I'm like, I'm feeling a little nostalgic about it actually, because this is my youngest daughter is now going to be a freshman this year, and she's going back to school as a freshman, and she's going with her sister to school, who's a senior, and she's just, her sister's going to be, oh my god the whole thing, I'm feeling so emotional about it this year, but there's the stress of involved in the back, in back to school. And we have parents of, with kids of every age here listening to the Mindful Parenting podcast. And so what are the most common causes of stress and anxiety that happen for parents at this time of year?
[00:05:05] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: what a great question, right? Because you think about it, it happens every year, right? We go back to school, kids go back to school, but every year I feel like it feels fresh and dynamic because Grades change, classes change, friends change, people are coming and going and leaving and transitioning. So I think that feeling of uncertainty of, we know there is this known that we're going to go back, but this uncertainty of all of the different kinds of, dynamics that are going to play a role in it, I think bring up a lot of stress, especially for the, for children. Because if it's going to be a new classroom or it's a new teacher, it's going to be a new group of friends. I know that a lot of times parents will start to feel that too. It's okay, how are we going to get, like you were saying, how your daughter is going to going in and then she's going to have her sister what's that dynamic going to be like? I remember going to school with my sister and I remember her saying to me, we had these blue matching coats. And I remember the year that we were like, walking into class together that first year that we were in the school together. And she said to me, don't walk so close to me. I don't want anyone to think that you're my sister. Oh, no. And I just remember feeling like I wanted to be with her, but she didn't want to be around me because I was a little kid and she was like the cool teen. So I know that all those dynamics play a role. And I think it's a stressful time for everyone involved.
[00:06:34] Hunter: Yeah. Kids are going into some are often going into something completely different. If you have a Maybe if you have a five year old, you have a kid who's going to school, maybe for the first time ever. And a lot of parents who listen to the podcast, they may have had pandemic babies who, this is really their first experience maybe with childcare, with other kids. So parents are really feeling children's stress. But for me I think about that time one of the biggest stressors is Children's stress, like you're, your kid's anxious, so you're anxious, then you're anxious about your kid's anxiety, and your kid feels your anxiety, so then they get anxious. It's like a terrible loop, but also then there's like the time pressure and going back to a time where summer, if you're fortunate enough to be able to be home with your kids, you can, you may have a looser schedule, more open. For me in the summer, I don't set an alarm clock. I love that this time of year. I gotta, now I have to set like my alarm for 6:30 in the morning. So early if I wanna. Do my practices before they, when I can, we'll talk about that. But but I don't know, is it like that stress? Loophole feedback, or is it the time pressure, is it both? What is really getting to parents?
[00:07:48] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: I think you said it really beautifully, Hunter, when you said that loop where we're feeling their stress and they're feeling our stress because we are picking up on our children's stress levels, they're picking up on ours, we're co regulating, right? Or lack thereof whenever we're in a stressful situation. I would say that it's really going to be about taking notice of what's going on inside your body as an adult. What am I going through? What am I thinking? What are the thoughts that are ruminating in my mind? Because the more stress we feel, I know this from my own experience, I imagine you do as well, the more stress our children pick up from us.
[00:08:28] Hunter: So true. Dear listener, the more stress we feel, the more stress our children pick up from us. You heard this from Dr. Ayesha.
[00:08:39] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: Yeah it's one of those things, it's I even think about mirroring sometimes, that idea of like, when children look at you and they want to be mirrored. They want their experience to be mirrored back to them. And so if they're, if they're happy and you look up and you're stressed. Or you're anxious, or you're fearful, or you're worried. That's not mirroring for them. So even before I think children start to feel anxious, I think we as parents start to look at, okay, what's going to happen and where are they going to go and what are we going to do? And sometimes their summers are even cut short. Because of all of this preparation, what we think what we're doing is preparing and organizing. But what they're also picking up on is, hey, there is something in the air. There is some fear or anxiety in the air. I think it's so important for us to be mindful of what they're picking up on before they themselves feel it. They're picking it up from us.
[00:09:39] Hunter: Yeah. Okay. So then ideally for our kids to have a best experience, we are completely unstressed, right? Like in an ideal magical world, we're completely unstressed. We're not giving our kids any of that anxiety. In fact, maybe we're exuding You know, steadiness, relaxation and positive anticipation. Yeah. For the parents listening to this, saying, oh crap, I have been stressed, anxious, for three weeks for five weeks. I'm worried about my kid. They're highly sensitive, they're highly sensitive and prone to difficulties with handling things. So that makes me more anxious about them being able to handle school. And I've definitely been exuding stress. What? What? Are some of the ways that parents can take control, right away and process some of that anxiety and process some of that stress that's already existing in their bodies that they can't just suppress, right? We know that doesn't work but how can they process these feelings so that they can move to a steadier place?
[00:10:59] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: Yeah, great question. I think one of the biggest ways that we can do it is just starting to notice. And I emphasize noticing because when I had my own kind of understanding of this, I had spent, I had such, and I still do, I still struggle with this, but I had such a busy mind, a really active mind. And so ruminating was just normal for me. Thinking and just going, feeling my emotions so deeply was so normal to me. And the moment that I started to realize that I am noticing that there's this part of me that's constantly just going and ruminating all the time. And the noticing was that's not all of me, part of me. And there's another actual, there's this me that is noticing all of this rumination and all the stress and I found it to be for most of my life, I thought it was normal. No, we hear this all the time. Stress is normal. What do you mean? I'm not, I shouldn't be stressed. Stress is normal. And in some ways, I understand that it is because without stress, we're not going to get out of bed.
We're not going to make it to work. Kids aren't going to make it to school. We're never handing that paper. So some stress is important for us to get out of bed and for movement to happen. But too much stress and we shut down or we're not able to make good choices or good decisions. So everybody has that sweet spot. And we have to find out what that sweet spot is for us. Enough to be motivated, not so much that we shut down. But when we start noticing what that level is, when it goes beyond the level that's productive for me. I start to take a kind of like a breath and say, okay, where have I been for the last 20 minutes? Used to be two hours, used to be three days, right? Where have I been? And then when I can catch myself noticing that I've actually been gone. For this long, and I've been caught again, and I bring myself back, and then I say, okay, I'm back. And then with some compassion and kindness, I'm back I'm found again. Now I get lost a lot, but I always come back home. So that's how I start noticing where I've been and where I'm back, when I'm back.
[00:13:22] Hunter: And what Dr. Ayesha is describing, of course, is the essence of mindfulness, right? Like the essence of being aware. Of what is real, what is happening for you in the present moment. Am I being my present with what's in real life right now, the sounds, the sights, the touch and the et cetera? Or am I lost in story and thought? And not that thinking, we're not saying thinking is bad, but when you describe this, like these Yeah, it's obviously it's feeding your kids stress, all of those things. So that noticing, interrupting, without judgment, very key here, with some compassion, without saying, Oh, what's wrong with me? I suck. I just ruminate all the time. No. Instead saying, Okay, I was lost in thought. I can come back. But what you're describing is a process. Of coming back again and maybe shortening that time where you're lost. Is that what you'd say?
[00:14:27] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: Absolutely. I think that's a great point, Hunter. I used to take me days. And then it would take hours, and then it would happen right after I had a reaction. So it wasn't responding, I was reacting, whether it be frustration or anger or anxiety, whatever it was. It would be, I would lose it. And then I would be like, oh, I was so close, like I almost had it, but it was right after. And then slowly with practice, and again, it is a practice, it's never perfect it became one moment before. Just that one moment before I had a reaction, I was able to notice it. And in that moment, I was like, oh, I can choose, I get to choose now what my response is. And it was honestly the most powerful thing I'd ever experienced. I had no idea I had this in me. And so yes, the time just gets less and less until it happens more and more frequently. And our children who are sponges actually can learn this same technique and they can start to notice their own reactions or, yeah, and before it gets out of hand and then they can respond in a way that's more meaningful for them.
[00:15:50] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
So let's go back to that parent whose note, whose. become aware oh, I'm holding all this stress because of back to school. I'm worried about my child. I'm worried about separation. I'm worried about their reactions. And then I'm noticing it and yet maybe they still have the tightness in the muscles. They still have the legitimate concerns. They still have The, this tight jaw and the, intensive energy. They're noticing it, but then they say, they may say now what do I do, Dr. Ayesha? Now I notice that I'm very stressed out. Okay, what's next?
[00:18:48] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: Exactly. And so I remember I was working at a rehab and I would be doing groups and in the groups I would be talking about some really sometimes like really traumatic things where patients were sharing stories and the door would open. And someone would come in and be like, Hey, we need to pull this patient because they need to see the psychiatrist. And I'd be like, I would just, I remember my body getting so just clenched up. Like somebody was sharing, this is not the moment to be disturbing, but I can't say anything because they're doing their job. And then I'm looking at the patient thinking, oh, it's not fair to them, but. So it was this whole dynamic where I was holding all this tension in my body, just the way you described, the clenched jaw, all of this stress in my body, and I remember it happened again and again, and one day it dawned on me, and my mind was racing, my mind was saying Why is this person interrupting? Why are they walking into the room? This is not okay. And my mind, which is really interesting, what I noticed is, when we are stressed and when our body is holding a lot of stress, our mind is looking for a way, figure out something to do or say or blame or change to get the body back into this like a regulated state.
So my mind would be ruminating. And in that moment, the environment that I was in, I didn't have time for a meditation practice. I didn't have time to even take deep breaths. It was like a split second. And what I could do in a split second, that could actually change and get my mind to settle, was relax my body. And so the first step was noticing. And the second step was, Oh, where am I holding all this tension? Oh, it's in my shoulders. And then I'd like to relax my shoulders and then I'd relax my arms and I'd take a breath and I'd relax my knees and my toes. And then there was one place that, this is ridiculous, but I'm going to say it, this one place that we hold on to, we clench our butt when we're stressed.
[00:20:55] Hunter: And I'm trying to think if I fit.
[00:20:58] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: And so that was the place, no matter how much I let go, I would never let go of the butt. That was still tight. And so I would relax the butt. And a part of it was funny. And it made me laugh, and have you noticed how humor actually relaxes the body? And it reminded me of my stats professor. When I would sit there in a stats, I just, I have math anxiety. So when I would sit there in the math exam, first question, blank. I have zero memory of this test that I've been studying for weeks. Second question, nothing. Why? Because my anxiety is through the roof. I'm terrible at math. Third question would be a joke. She would insert jokes into the exam. And when I would read the question, how much is a plumber or something, and I would like giggle and I would break out laughing. And then guess what happened? The stress would come down and the fog would lift and the answer to that question would appear and I'd be able to write it down and keep going. And so whether we use Noticing, whether we use relaxing the body, whether we use the breath, or whether we use humor, all these things can happen in a split second, and that can bring us back to ourselves.
[00:22:18] Hunter: Yeah, I would agree with all that. I think that's, those are wonderful. I've never heard of the but before, I'm going to have to start to pay attention to a lot of, but I'm stressed now. And thinking about this. I was thinking about the way, I would answer this question, I would also maybe say if you're having some legitimate fears and worries and stresses about your kid going back to school, this is really where it's so important to talk about it, to write about it, to process it, like maybe, obviously not in that split second. Those are more, very much in the moment practices, but like that night journal about it. Later, talk to your sister, your mom, your partner, your therapist, your coach, whatever, talk to them about it. Just journaling, I think, can do so much. Just when I can get my fears and worries out on paper or out, Verbally, suddenly I'm not holding it all so much anymore. And I just, I think we need that processing more than we think we do, right? To just be able to talk it out or be seen and be heard with, even if it's just by paper, even if it's just by ourselves, it can really, for me, help me process enormously any kind of general anxieties I'm having about a moment.
[00:23:36] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: Yeah, me, too. I think I love that. I think processing, whether it's talking to a friend, like you said, or sister therapist, but for me, journaling is huge. So my practice usually is there's the mindfulness or the, meditation piece, but the other part of it, that's just as important is that reflection. Because if I'm not able to reflect on it, especially after sitting and meditating, When I write and all these things come out that I wasn't aware that I was even feeling, and then some things behind it and some emotions behind that, that can be so cathartic and it can, like you said, it takes it out of you, it's on a piece of paper, it's no longer in you, and it is hugely beneficial.
[00:24:20] Hunter: Okay, and back to school time, we've got, we're, and I'd love to talk to you about the power of mindfulness to to reduce stress. You have your own experience of that. And it's interesting, but if I think about sometimes I think about the listener often is very short on time. Time is a major stress. And we may be, if I had to choose, I asked myself a hard question, if I actually had to choose between my mindfulness meditation practice in the morning, which for me now that I have older kids is like 20 minutes, or getting exercise during the day. I both of those are so essential. If I had to choose one. What would it be? Because a lot of us, a lot of parents have neither, right? Have neither of those things and may also not be sleeping well, right? Think about getting good sleep and things like that, would be a really tough call for me. I might have to choose exercise and movement over mindfulness. So for some reason I was forced to just have, not have one or the other. And for me, I always think like doing something of one of these things is better than nothing, right? So even if my mindfulness practices, I'm taking 10 deep breaths in the morning and 10 deep breaths at night, I've, that's okay, right? If my exercise that day is that I got to just go for one, a walk, then, okay, that's fine. I'll have to, I'll deal with that. But when we think about just this reducing the stress in general for this active, back to school time and for the parents you've worked with do you think if, maybe if we're taking mindfulness versus exercise, which of these comes first or is it different for everybody?
[00:26:03] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: So I think that- mindfulness. If we can incorporate mindfulness in everything that we do, and I'm not saying going to say everything because that's not possible, but if we can incorporate mindfulness in more things that we do, then we don't have to make time for it. It can actually just be with us wherever we go. And so I like the idea of yes, exercise is so important and there'll be days where we don't have time, you're right, for exercise perhaps, or even for our meditation practice. Because we're getting out the door, we're getting the kids in the car, we're getting, but it's going to be like, okay, it's whatever we do on the mat, right? When you think of yoga, that's what we do in life. When we're struggling on the mat, we're struggling in life. And so life is the biggest experience of mindfulness that we can imagine. It's always happening and we always have an opportunity to practice it. We always have an opportunity to mess it up. And to notice it, and to be kind to ourselves, and to come back to it, it's just, for me it just feels like I don't want it to be a separate practice, I want it to be incorporated into the way I see myself, the way I critique or criticize myself after a rough day with the kids.
[00:27:24] Hunter: And so we can bring that in. For you, a mindfulness practice is something that I, as I understand, you were born in India, right? And so there was a bit of coming back to your roots coming to a mindfulness practice. Can we, would you mind describing for, for many of us coming to a mindfulness practice, we were suffering. For me, I was suffering, enormously from like intense ups and downs and. challenges and panic attacks as a teacher and all of these things. Do you mind sharing your personal experience with your suffering and then the, and going back to your roots with mindfulness? Yeah, I would love to share that.
[00:28:03] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: Thank you for asking. So interesting that you said suffering because I was born in India. I grew up here in the West. I left when I was five. And it even went back and forth as a child, but I had an arranged marriage when I was 21. Oh, wow. Went back to India, had an arranged marriage and was in a very abusive and very painful marriage in which my son was born. So the reason that I work with women and choose to work with women is because when my son was born, I wasn't I know I loved him. I know deeply that I loved him, but I wasn't able to be present for him. And I was there physically in every way that I think I thought mattered, but I was severely depressed.
I was anxious. I was fearful, I was hypervigilant, I was experiencing signs of trauma, and I wasn't able to attune to him. And of course, I know now that first year of childhood the attachment bonds that happened, the mirroring that happens, the attunement that happens, it didn't happen for him. It didn't happen for me. And then I went through years of pervasive guilt and shame because of it. And so it was really my suffering. Thank you. It really was my suffering because there wasn't anything I could do to alleviate it. It was like, I've messed up. And we know the difference between guilt and shame. It wasn't just, oh, I didn't, I did something bad, or I was, I did something wrong, or, It was, I am bad, and I am wrong, and it was this pervasive under just, it was my identity that I was a bad mom. And so what happened was, I started to notice that even if I challenged my thoughts, even if I changed my thoughts, even if I did CBT, even if I, and all these wonderful modalities, I still wasn't able, the ruminating thoughts were too much, the self criticism was too much.
And it was simply when I started being present and noticing that, I wasn't available for him and I leaned into that and sat with that and felt those emotions and felt that kind of pain and it really allowed me to stay present with my thoughts and stay present without escaping and denying and being defensive or being angry, just allowed myself to be there and some of it started to lift. And I started to share it with other women because I thought, if they can offer their child that gift of presence that I didn't, how wonderful, we as mothers start to really learn like all the things we give our children. And then there's this one other thing, presence, if we can just be fully available and present for them. And then if we can be present for ourselves with compassion and realize we're not perfect, we're not, we're going to make mistakes and we can. We can actually be with that, and it doesn't destroy us. It actually, I survived it, and I think I'm better for it.
[00:31:32] Hunter: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that you suffered an abusive marriage. That's incredibly hard and it's, there's, I, I hope now you have so much compassion for yourself and, but what you describe, I think, is really, I think it's Interesting because it, we've talked about to Bethany Saltman, for instance, about attachment and how, describing how it's not how you sleep with your child or how often you are physically present with them, right? It is really about your attunement and your actual presence as a human with that creates attachment and your ability to process difficult feelings. And you also describe in your story really beautifully. That feeling, that peace, that mindfulness peace about staying with a sensation, staying with a feeling, staying when it's really hard to stay, when, when you've got this, all this, these feelings in you that are like, I need to distract, I need to get out of here, etc.
And as you stay, that is the processing, that is the processing. And oddly enough, that I've got to get out of here feelings goes away. And the, the, either you're digesting this, these difficulties these challenges, these traumas, right? You're able to digest them into, and once you've stayed once with it, you're like, I can do this. I don't have to get out of here. I actually can stay with it. It's all, it's like one of the bravest things I think a human can do. You say that so beautifully. I love that.
[00:33:15] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: And I agree with you. I've left a lot. I've left marriage. I've left countries and families and relationships and jobs and I kept running. I was a runner and I'm not athletic at all. So I was a runner because I couldn't stay with my hard feelings. And then I realized, like that, like we hear, right? Like the book, wherever you go, there you won't. I couldn't run myself. I couldn't escape myself. And. And it was staying that changed me. It was sustained.
[00:33:55] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcast right after this break.
So when you started to stay with those things, how then, how did, learning about mindfulness, starting to share mindfulness, bringing a meditation practice come into the picture? Because obviously you're a a young mother at this point. Yeah, I started,
[00:36:16] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: That's really when I, after being a mother, I started going back to school and I went back to get my undergrad in psych and then I did a master's in counseling. Then I started my PhD in clinical, and throughout that practice, I was in the PhD program for eight years, and every class I could get my hands on that I could study mindfulness, that I could practice meditation, I remember even on the campus, just every time I could be in nature and just sit and be with myself, what seemed to be so hard before, what seemed to be impossible, because when you have that inner self critic, and it's always beating you up or bashing you or telling you how terrible you are. It's hard to sit with yourself, right? It's one of the scariest things to do is sit with your own thoughts. So there was a lot of The TCH sometimes. And so it was painful. It's like something, they say sometimes the biggest bullies are not out there, they're in here.
And so, the way I treated myself, the way I spoke to myself, And it couldn't just be learning about mindfulness, right? It was like, okay, I learned about it. I got it from an academic perspective. And then I started a practice where I would do it, every day. I was introduced to it as a child very early on, and it, I didn't think it was mindfulness. It was more like, that's just the way my grandmother did things. Or that was just the way we grew up. Holistic Practices were just the way, if I had a boo, that's how my grandmother would take care of it, so I just took that for granted until I realized. Oh, there's research here, there's science here, these things are actually beneficial. And then I started realizing the kinder, softer, gentler I became with myself, the easier it was to stay with me. \
I think that's what shifted. It was. And I say this a lot of times when I talk to moms or I talk to people, I'll say Hey. You can't escape yourself, so the relationship that you have with yourself truly is going to determine whether we are avoiding and numbing and distracting, or whether we are comfortable with ourselves and just can stay with our own inner thoughts and just notice them, reflect on them. It's not easy. It's, I still, every day I struggle, every day I fall and fail. And but now I notice it and realize that's okay, that's normal. And I can come back and then we can start again.
[00:38:53] Hunter: Now, I just want to remind you, dear listener, that what Dr. Ayesha is describing so beautifully is what we talked about at the top of this conversation, right? The more stress we feel, the more our kids pick up on it, the more we can be present, we can process our stress, we can be present and move into a state of Acceptance of ourselves, softness with ourselves, kindness with ourselves, it's not just like a lovely, it's a nice thing to have, it also directly affects your children and your relationships and their experience because we Inter are with our feelings. We co-regulate with our kids. And as you are kinder to yourself, your kids get a direct, immediate benefit from that, as your kids did. Dr. Ayesha, imagine.
[00:39:49] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: Yeah, and with my kids, I wanted to share a story about my daughter. When she was younger, she was lying to me a lot. young teenager, and she was lying. And this started when she was even younger in elementary school, and it kept getting worse. And I tried everything. I thought, okay, what is going on with this girl? Why is she lying? And I did the grounding and I did the, positive reinforcement and the negative reinforcement. And I honestly, I cried, I yelled, I tried to be nicer. I tried to understand her and nothing worked. She continued to lie. And I remember the day, again, this is through the mindfulness practice, I remember the day that it hit me that the reason my daughter lies to me is because there's no safety for this child to speak the truth. And the reason was because of my emotions.
I would get so emotional. I would get either frustrated or I'd get angry or I'd get disappointed and hurt in whatever the news was. And so she found out really quickly. If I lie, there's safety. Mom doesn't flip out. If I tell the truth, there's risk here. She's unpredictable. Her emotions aren't something that feel comfortable or safe for me. And I remember thinking in that moment, this is how much my emotions affect her. And so I, I did have, I did take some accountability there and I said, we're going to try something different. It's going to, it's going to take time for you to trust me. Because I don't know what I look like when I am upset or angry to a small child. I don't. I'm feeling what I'm feeling and just imagine her looking up at me and feeling like danger, scary, not safe. And so I said, okay, so what's we're going to do? But there will still be consequences. There will still be boundaries, but I will do my best to not get upset and angry and disappointed in all those emotions that I have. That's my job, not your fault. My emotions predate you. All of my stuff predates her. So we started changing our relationship by me having more emotional regulation. And the more I was regulated, The more she was able to be brave and courageous and tell me the truth.
And I remember when she told me the truth about lying, about cheating on a test. And I remember thinking, okay, when did I ever feel that desperate that I had to cheat on a test? And instead of feeling upset and angry, which I would have gone to, I just felt so much empathy for her oh, you just, you must have been so desperate. So I remembered when I went through that, because again, I'm terrible at math, and I remember like how desperate I was in math and how I felt so not smart. And so we cried and we hugged. And she repeated the grade, she repeated the class, she didn't go, it was, this was her junior prom, she didn't go to junior prom, that was her consequence for cheating. But she wasn't upset about it because mom was safe, she could talk to me about it, it was so different.
[00:43:19] Hunter: You were this steady, safe haven. Yes, yes. That's beautiful. Um, dear listener. Thank you. You're welcome. Notice your stress, process it, use the tools of mindfulness, of being present, of feeling what you're feeling, noticing what it feels like in the body, staying with it, not distracting yourself when the rumination is too much and see how this works for you, and you've shared, Dr. Ayesha, how this has really benefited you and processing all the traumas and difficulties you've gone through, can you share an experience when these practices have significantly impacted a patient or a client?
[00:44:02] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: Yeah there's a memory that I have of a patient I was working at a rehab where, who was struggling with addiction, chemical dependency, and I was doing a workshop on attachment and not, I'm not sorry, not attachment, acceptance commitment therapy. So the whole workshop was about. Acceptance and surrender and present moment awareness and how to be with your, this moment right here and not ruminating about the past and the future. And we, the hour was almost up. It was, it was just wrapping up. We had about a minute left. And so this group of men and women in this room, and I thought I was doing a great job, and this woman, this patient in the very first row, she raised her hand and she said to me she said, how am I supposed to accept the fact that my teenage son took his own life? Ugh. Oof. And then I had nothing, Hunter, nothing that I had on the board. None of the acceptance, commitment, therapy, strategies. Nothing could have. I just, I was completely silent. The group ended. They, everyone left. She stayed. And I stayed. And I sat with her. And we talked. And she talked about, her experience and what she went through.
And I talked to her a little bit about some of my experiences. And what happened was, I remember her saying these words like, How did I not know? Like I was, I'm the mom, I'm supposed to know. And then I felt that deeply because, my son had been through abuse. And I didn't know it. And I said, how did I not know? What kind of mother doesn't know? And so that's it, right? That's the shame that was really prevalent for both of us. That we're just sitting in the shame of bad mom, should have known, why didn't we? And in that moment, I realized that the experience we were having was empathy. It wasn't sympathy. I wasn't feeling sorry for her. I was her. I was able to say. I hear you, I believe you, I get it I feel that. And of course my experience wasn't the same as hers, it was different, but it was Enough to just be with her in that darkness, because I couldn't bring her son back, I couldn't fix anything, I couldn't talk, I couldn't give her advice, I couldn't give her strategies on mindfulness, what I could do in that moment was be present with her and then notice my own triggers and my own reactions and notice those and give kindness and compassion to myself and to her. And we sat and we, we cried together. But it was something that forever changed me that sometimes you just need to be vulnerable and present and manage. Your own emotions and sit in the darkness with someone that needs you in that moment. And yeah, that was something that was really powerful for me. It was a powerful gift for me to sit with her.
[00:47:22] Hunter: Powerful story to end on, but really illustrating that sense of just being with. Accepting, Allowing is a powerful healer. This has been such a lovely experience meeting and talking with you today. Can find Dr. Ayesha at doctorayesha.com, D-O-C-T-O-R-A-Y-E-S-H-A dot com. Do you have any final words you want to leave the listener with? Anything we forgot?
[00:47:56] Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour: I just want to say thank you to you for having these conversations and for being such an incredible soul, just your warmth and your kindness and everything that you share with the listeners, I think is just, it's so fitting and it's so timely. And I think our children and I think moms all over need this more than ever. So I wanted to thank you for what you offer so freely.
[00:48:23] Hunter: My pleasure. Thank you. Thank you so much for coming on. It's been really lovely. Yes. Dr. Ayesha, you're going to have to tell me how to pronounce her. It's Suneja. You pronounce everything. Suneja Seymour. And you can find her at DrAyesha. com. It's been lovely. Thank you. Likewise. Thank you so much.
I think that's such an important message that Dr. Ayesha had about the more stress we feel, the more our children pick up on it from us. And so it so underscores that idea that taking care of ourselves is the foundation for mindful, thoughtful parenting, right? I love that whole thing though. What's your stress sweet spot? It's true, right? We do need it to get up in the morning. It's funny that is like cortisol that gets us up in the mornings. Often I have my anxious dreams in the morning. They're getting better though. I have to say after, years of nightmares in the morning, they're getting better.
Thank you so much for listening. I'm so glad you're here and I hope that you it waters your seeds. If you want more resources and support, I've always got tons of things at MindfulMamaMentor.com. You can buy the Raising Good Humans books. Yeah did I tell you, we got it's been translated into 17 languages now? Raising Good Humans. It's crazy. It's amazing. Yeah, get your copy. And yeah, I hope this helps you have a better week. Hope this helps you be more present, helps you be more brave and sitting with those really challenging things. And and give, I hope it helps you give yourself more compassion, because we all need that. And yes, this is not easy. It's not easy to do what you're doing. So I commend you for being here, for watering these good seeds. Please share the podcast with a friend. Make sure you're subscribed if you know you're new. And I'll be back. I'll be back to talk to you again really soon. Take care, my friend. Namaste.
[00:50:35] Mindful Mama Member: I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate better. And just, I'd say, communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse. It's been really a positive influence in our lives, so definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it. Thanks. It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much benefit from being a better parent to your children and feeling like you're connecting more with them and not feeling like you're yelling all the time or you're like, why isn't things working? I would say definitely do it. It's so worth it. It'll change you. No matter what age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's great investment in someone's family. I'm very thankful I had this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working, or you can learn some new tools and gain some perspective to shift everything in your parenting.
[00:51:39] Hunter: Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies, but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with too much to learn? Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clarke-Fields. And if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting membership. You will be joining hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class. This is an opportunity to really discover your unique, lasting relationship, not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting, connected relationships, not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. Go to mindfulparentingcourse. com to add your name to the so you will be the first to be notified when I open the membership for enrollment. I look forward to seeing you on the inside mindfulparentingcourse.com.
Before we dive into this episode, I have a very special invitation for you. Come with me to a Beachfront Paradise for five days for a powerful personal growth retreat. I'm hosting Bloom in Tulum. where we will start our days with mindfulness and yoga, eat amazing fresh food, dive into transformative personal growth work, dive into the turquoise waters at the beach or the pool, and perhaps even have a glass of wine and a dance party together. Does this sound good to you? I have a limited number of spots available for this day. All inclusive retreat this October. Learn more and apply now at BloomInTulum.com. B-L-O-O-M-I-N-T-U-L-U-M.com. Don't wait. Spots are filling up. BloomInTulum.com.
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