Diana Hill, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, international trainer, and sought-out speaker on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and compassion. Host of the podcast Wise Effort with Dr. Diana Hill and author of The Self-Compassion Daily Journal, The ACT Daily Journal, and the upcoming book Wise Effort, Diana works with organizations and individuals to develop psychological flexibility so that they can grow fulfilling and impactful lives
524: How to be Nicer to Yourself
Dr. Diana Hill
Hunter talks to Dr. Diana Hill about the profound significance of self-compassion in the journey of raising children. With each shared story and insightful reflection, listeners are gently guided towards a deeper appreciation for the power of self-kindness amidst the chaos of parenting.
Ep 524- Dr. Diana Hill
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Dr. Diana Hill: So it's not that we become lazy, it's actually that we become more aligned with how we want to show up when we're practicing self compassion. Just like how me taking that little compassion break helped me go in and be a better parent.
[00:00:17] Hunter: You're listening to The Mindful Parenting Podcast, episode 524. Today we're talking about how to be nicer to yourself with Dr. Diana Hill as part of the “Stress and How to Cope” Series #3.
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. In mindful parenting, we know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarke-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course and teacher training, and I'm the author of the international bestseller Raising Good Humans Every Day, and the Raising Good Humans Guided Journal. Hello. Welcome back. And of course, a special welcome to you if you are new.
What an awesome episode to join. But listen, if you are coming back and you get some value from the podcast, please do me a favor, help the show grow by just telling one friend about it. Text someone right now who could help. be nicer to themselves. And I know that's so many of us, right? Like, we need to do this. So this is an awesome episode to join because in just a second I'm going to be sitting down again with Dr. Diana Hill, a clinical psychologist, international trainer, and sought out speaker on acceptance and commitment therapy and compassion. She's the host of the Wise Effort podcast with Dr. Diana Hill and author of the “Self Compassion Daily Journal”, “The ACT Daily Journal”, and the book “Wise Effort”.
In this episode, we're going to talk about the profound significance of self compassion when we are raising children and how it can make us better parents. Parenting can be so chaotic. We need the self kindness and can be really hard. We're going to talk about how hard it can be and how to make it a practical practice in your life. So, join me at the table as I talk to Dr. Diana Hill.
Yesterday, I was on Zoom answering a question from a mom who had started a mindfulness practice and was struggling. And I realized how much I love that. I love connecting with people. I love answering these questions. And I want to do more of that here on the Mindful Parenting Podcast. So starting right now, you can leave me a voicemail with your mindful parenting questions. If you have a current parenting challenge, if you're frustrated with some behavior, if you want to know more about mindfulness and how to get started, you leave me a voicemail with your question. I'm so excited about this. The URL is MindfulMamaMentor.com/VM. That's MindfulMamaMentor.com/VM. If your question is picked, I'll let you know, and it will become part of the Mindful Parenting podcast. Leave your voicemail now, MindfulMamaMentor.com/VM.
Diana, thank you for coming back to the Mindful Parenting podcast. I'm so glad you're here. I think we're just being about self compassion and just like how I feel like there's not enough ways, times and ways to talk about self compassion. Honestly we'll get into this, but honestly, I feel like it just needs to I, I personally feel like I need to revisit that practice all the time. I feel like the guilt that comes up is so just reflexive or you feel like you're a, Bad person if the guilt kind of makes you, I don't know, there's like something about like your, our own personal morality and guilt that's all tied up together. Do you feel that way? Like that you, even though you've taught self-compassion in so many different ways, that you have to like, revisit it for yourself often too.
[00:04:12] Dr. Diana Hill: So I was just in the kitchen calling my husband saying I'm about to go on the Mindful Parenting Podcast and I'm the least mindful parent. on the planet right now.
And had to pull all of my self compassion together in one moment to try and recenter myself and remember how hard this is. Because of the interaction I just had with my teenage son, so it's he came out of the I went, he's home from school for the day and I went up into the in the kitchen and he, we had listed four things that he needed to do this morning.
Put away your laundry, take a shower, feed yourselves, and contact somebody that you're going to do something with, right? And I went up there and I was like, how are those four things doing? And he said, oh, yeah, I took a shower and put away my laundry. And I look at his face and he has white zit cream all over his face.
And I'm like, there's no way you took a shower. So he's lying to me in my face. And there we go. This is a moment of self compassion because I was not the best parent in response to that lie. So we always are having. These moments that don't go the way that we want them to go. And then maybe we don't respond the way that we wished we would have respond.
We're not the most mindful parent, even if we're going on the mindful parenting podcast and that's where soft compassion helps us. Get back on track. So I can tell you, I'll tell you what I did to get back on track, but that's the the long answer to that question. All the time.
[00:05:37] Hunter: Okay, good. I'm, yeah, but I figured, it's like I always have to come back to it again and again. Yes, I'm teaching mindful parenting, I'm teaching for self-compassion. I'm always coming back to it, practicing it again and again. And I keep feel like having to say that like you, I'm not doing this perfectly.
I mess this up all the time. I give myself permission to be human. Because what else are you going to do? It's just it's like the most practical way to respond. Okay. Tell us how you responded to your son.
[00:06:03] Dr. Diana Hill: I'll tell you what I did poorly first. Okay. So the reactive response is, at least for me, was just to get so into the story and add to the story and let my emotions just get really big.
And then even, I, I started doing all sorts of things like, I'm taking away your phone and I'm, there was no pause. There was no pause to even feel what I was feeling, which actually when I paused, I realized, oh, I was actually feeling sad or scared or, oh, if my teenager isn't honest with me, what's going to happen?
So the first thing that I went to was reactivity, but then I caught myself pretty quickly to see, those moments when you can start to almost see yourself doing the thing that you don't want to do.
[00:06:44] Hunter: Yes.
[00:06:44] Dr. Diana Hill: And you're like, oh, I'm watching it happen. So then the next thing that I did actually was call my husband, which is an interesting, automatic response.
It's a healthy one. Like I clearly can't handle this. I need some help here. And that's it. We think of self compassion as this thing that we do by ourselves, but sometimes We need to put Tara Brock in our ears or our good friend that you know is a Parent as well or our partner to help us hear another voice right that we're not alone in it so that was the next step and then the third one was just to go outside and Take a moment.
Take a moment and I gave myself enough time to really let my nervous system settle, reflect a little bit. This is hard. It's one of those days. And and that, just that kind of simple practice of it's one of those days. This is hard. I imagine there's lots of other parents that are having a hard time right now too.
And what is it that I what actually am I feeling? And what is it I actually want here? Which is, I just want to feel better with my kid. I don't actually care as much about the shower or the laundry as I do about my relationship. Those, those simple practices of observing yourself, maybe asking for some help, maybe getting your nervous system back into a different spot, and then going back in with the value at the forefront.
And I went in and said, you know what, the reason why I got so mad at you is Because I love you. And and that, that helped. And then he was like, I'm sorry mom, I love you too. That whole thing. Self compassion, what's interesting about it is that we think of it as, when I wrote a blog post for Mindful a while back and it was something like, it's hokey and it's selfish and that actually we think that those things about self compassion or even maybe sometimes we think.
I know what self compassion is, it's just being nice to myself, but it's more than that.
[00:08:42] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah. It's a, it is a practice. And yeah, I love that those steps, dear listener, you heard her steps of tag out, get some perspective, see what really matters. Yeah. I've, I, it's sometimes it's as soon as I walk away, I'm like, oh, I'm sniffing at her about this because.
Because I'm stressed because this other thing happened, and I can see it. And I will go, I'll go and I'll say, honey, I had to do it like yesterday. I said, honey, I'm feeling, I think I snipped you because I'm feeling this about stressed about this thing. And, I'm sorry. And, I still of course want her to clean up her lunch or whatever the thing is, but Yeah, what's the more important thing?
What ultimately is the most important thing? Somehow like stepping outside gives me such incredible, it just helps be like, oh yeah, this is what actually matters, get out of the house. Helps me to do that.
[00:09:40] Dr. Diana Hill: I was gonna say, and I think it's so great for our kids to see that, to see the repair piece or the, wow, she just went outside for a couple of minutes.
Something happened out there. She came back a different person, and then for us to verbalize that, like I stepped outside, I, I called your dad, I took a breath. I started to notice like, Oh, what, the reason why I'm so upset is because I love you so much. We're telling them the steps of what we're doing, but then they're also seeing the impact of that.
And there's a, there's just a nature, we're in our house, we call our family body. So like I'm one arm and my husband's the other arm. And then one kid is one leg and the other kid is one leg. And sometimes our family body, like the arm is hurt. And it impacts the whole rest of the body.
Like sometimes we need the other arm, to come help out or we need, we are just this system and that when we practice self compassion, it doesn't end there. It ends up having an overflow. And certainly that's what some of the research shows on psychological flexibility and self compassion is that it overflows into our relationships and impacts our kids and our partners.
and the people that we work with in a beneficial way. So self compassion isn't selfish in that way because it is a flow. Although there is some research to show that if you, this came out from Joe Sirochi's, some of Joe Sirochi's research. If you are self compassionate without having that understanding of the systemic impact of your self compassion, you're being self compassionate because it also benefits others.
it can become selfish. If it's just Oh, I'm going to practice some self, I'm going to okay, kids, I'm feeling mom's really upset. I'm going to go down and meditate and do yoga for a few hours without ever coming back and having it benefit them, then it can be selfish.
It's more nuanced than that. Yeah.
[00:11:32] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Parenting podcasts right after this break.
[00:12:06] Hunter: That's interesting to know and good to know because that's like what people are scared of. I think that is that cause I, I have, when I teach self compassion to people, there's often like a kind of a reflexive, like wanting to push it away or a little, they're uncomfortable to embrace it and they don't want to be.
Be kind to themselves. It feels instinctively wrong to people sometimes, and is that what people are maybe pushing back against is that they don't want to be pulled into a, a hole of selfishness?
[00:12:39] Dr. Diana Hill: In part, we also learned, we have a learning history that maybe self compassion is selfish, right?
We, it was modeled to us from our parents, or we're told that in certain ways, and There's actually a good amount of research on fears of self compassion. And Marcella Matos, who's a researcher out of Portugal. She did a study during 21 different countries participate in this study. And they found that folks that feared compassion, fared worse during COVID mental health than folks that embrace compassion.
So fears being, and there's different types of fears. There's fears of self compassion. If I'm self compassionate, then that means I'm weak, or I'm going to be too dependent on people is a common one. If I'm self compassionate, it means that I'm, I can't do things on my own or I'll just be lazy and I'll lose.
Oh, this is the other one. I'll lose my edge. I'll lose my edge if I'm self compassionate. Like I just won't care much anymore. And then, there's fears of, people also have fears of being compassionate to others. If I'm too compassionate to somebody else, they might all depend on me and I'll have to fix everyone else's problems.
or they have fears of receiving compassion. If I ask for help, then it means I'm weak in some way. And so that, that is one of those first steps. And in the Self Compassion Daily Journal, that's one of the places that I have people start is like, what are your fears? What are you afraid of will happen if you're kinder to yourself?
And we do know there's, thousands of studies at this point, Kristin Neff leading the helm at a lot of them. It's not true. Like they did a, there was a fun study the donut study, which is one of my favorite ones where they had restrictive eaters go into a like a waiting room. And everyone in the study in the waiting room had, were to eat a donut before, quote, before the study starts.
Listeners, if you're in a research study and you sign the consent forms, the study has started. But so they all ate a donut, right? All these restricted eaters ate a donut. And then half of them were randomly assigned to a condition to that was a self compassion condition. It said things like, gosh, everybody eats donuts Sometimes.
Everyone in the study is eating a doughnut. Just be, be gentle with yourself. No biggie. You ate a doughnut. Then they all went to a room where there was unlimited supplies of Reese's Butter Cups and peanut butter pad or whatever peppermint patties, and they measured how much candy these people ate.
The folks that ate the doughnut, but then got the self compassion intervention, Ended up eating less. So it's not that we become lazy. It's actually that we become more aligned with how we want to show up. When we're practicing self compassion, just like how me taking that little compassion break helped me go in and be a better parent.
I wasn't a lazier parent. I was actually a better parent. So that's the nature of fears. We all have them and you got to look at them, but then maybe you can start to experiment a little bit. Is it true? Are you sure? Do you know that's true?
[00:15:36] Hunter: I love that donut study. That's really beautiful.
I think that the. I, that is definitely my experience with self compassion is that, and with compassion is that it just helps me to get back up, start again, do the whole, just to give yourself a soft landing. It just seems so practical to me because then I'm just able, I'm not going to fall into a pitiful hole of sadness.
And self depreciation. I'm going to be able to take myself back up, get, start again and all of those things. But, you were saying, talking about like some of those fears of self compassion, you talked about fears of being compassionate with others. That's something I think that sometimes we have as kids.
Mindful Parents, right? Like we can think of like compassion for our kids, right? In some sense it seems like that's a good thing, of course, right? To have compassion for our kids. We want to be able to have empathy, have compassion for our kids, but we also are tasked with like holding boundaries and things like that, right?
With you want your kid to take a shower or to Get the chores done or to, help do the dishes and all these different things. And one of the things like, at least in my world, at my oldest daughter struggles with a chronic pain condition and we've been told to like, just, that she should do all the things that she should have to do.
And yet at times. She's she's in pain. She's tired. She's her spoons have run out. You probably know that terminology, Diane, because you're a psychologist, but that's this terminology they use in like the chronic pain world, where you just have no energy for anything else you're exhausted. And so it's been challenging to walk the line between compassion and what I'm supposed to do, which is to like.
And, insists that she pulls as much weight as the other people in the house. And I imagine that other parents can, have a similar challenge with maybe different circumstances. I don't know. What do you say to people?
[00:17:33] Dr. Diana Hill: I feel like that's such a universal experience in so many ways, right?
And sometimes compassion has more about, to do more about the how you do something than it does what you're specifically doing, but we'll start with the what. The not eating of the, not eating so much candy, right? You can do that in a compassionate way or in a non compassionate way.
You can choose not to eat the peanut butter cups, whatever, the peanut butter cups, because you're like, I'm not allowed to eat those. I'm too blah, blah, blah, blah. No sugar for me. Or you can do it because I already had doughnut today. I think I've had enough sugar. My tummy's a little upset.
I'm going to take care of myself and not eat that candy. Same thing with, our kids when we're encouraging them to go to school when they don't want to go to school. or were cleaning out their knee when they had a bike accident and there's all that gravel in it, right? Is it a compassionate thing to not clean out the gravel because it hurts too much?
That actually, like the most compassionate thing is to clean out the gravel, right? But it's how you're doing it. How are you cleaning out that gravel? How are you working with your daughter when she's in that place of exhaustion and at her limit? And you also know it may benefit her to maybe move slowly through something that is a little bit, more than what she maybe feels like she can do in this moment.
And that requires some attunement, but it really also requires the coming at it from a place of love, coming at it from a place of care, as opposed to Someone told me I'm supposed to do this, so I better do it. And, boundaries, I think boundaries are quite compassionate things or they can be.
They can also be quite uncompassionate. It depends on how you go about it.
[00:19:12] Hunter: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. That's part of what we, I work with parents in mindful parenting, is like the, yes, let's hold our boundaries around our needs and different things. But Let's be kind as we hold those boundaries.
Let's be compassionate. We don't have to be harsh. And that can make all the difference in the world, which is exactly what you're saying here with all the research on compassion, and self compassion, kindness to ourselves and to others is that it makes all the difference in the world, the how you're going about, doing these things, whether it's holding a boundary, cleaning out a wound or whatever it is.
[00:19:43] Dr. Diana Hill: Yeah, it actually, what's interesting about it, or what I find about compassion is that it almost, it just moves you into a different system, right? So Paul Gilbert's work out of the Compassionate Mind Foundation, I really like his theory around these different brain body systems that we can be in.
So we can be in threat system. We all know that pretty well when we're fight, flight, freeze, spawn, right? We can also be in drive system, which is, I need to get my kid to do this, right? That, if I get my kid to do this. A very familiar system to me. If I get my kid to do this, then I'm a good parent. If my kid is off a screen, If my kid has showered, if my kid did their homework, if my kid emptied the dishwasher, whatever it is that you need to get your kid to do, ate their vegetables, then you're a good parent, right?
So that's drive. And then we have threat, and for many of us, our threat and our drive are like really close friends. So we're feel, we feel scared, we feel threatened, we feel stressed, so we go into drive. This, there's this whole other system, which is our compassion system. And it operates in a whole other universe.
Like This compassion system can downregulate our threat and drive, and it's goal is totally different than the threat and drive. It's goal is to bond, connect, heal it's goal is to rest, to be with. And when you're in your compassion system so like when I went back and I talked to my son and I'm in there and I'm like, I'm so sorry, I love you.
It actually increases his motivation to take that shower. Even though I'm not saying you need to take a shower, now he may be like, Oh, my mom loves me. I love my mom. I know my mom really wanted me to take a shower. Maybe I'll take that shower. I bet you he's showering right now, 10 bucks, he's showering right now.
So it's, it was fascinating about it. is that when we can activate this compassion system, we actually can be more effective in reaching the goals that our drive system wants to reach in, tending to our threat system, our nervous system that is scared. But it's doing it through a whole nother pathway.
And we know that, the biology of that pathway are things like your vagus nerve that goes from your brain through your heart down to your gut. And that vagus nerve activates your parasympathetic system. It activates all sorts of good neurohormones, oxytocin, things like that. And, the system is, One that is just as strong in the human species as the other two.
But unfortunately we live in environments now that are hyper stimulating our threat and drive. So we have to work a little bit more at building up that compassion.
[00:22:15] Hunter: Yeah, I think that drive is really a system that is pushed in, at least in American culture, is that drive, it's I feel like.
Everything around us is saying go faster more, buy this, work harder, reach for the stars. At least you'll land on the moon, right? Like even in kind of kind ways. But just this drive to do more, be more, always, it's never like enough. But I love that, that like what you're describing this, how compassion increases motivation to cooperate.
It's really a beautiful example of With our drive system, this is where our, all the extrinsic motivation models are, right? The, this is where this is like the carrot and the stick and to make your kid do the thing and to, use the aggression to get them moving or whatever it is. And then what you're describing with the compassion system is about this intrinsic motivation model, which is like ultimately so much more effective because it's like your son cares about you and he sees how he is.
How his behaviors are like affecting you and affecting the system. And so it's makes, he becomes his own internal choice to do the thing. And, but it's odd. It's challenging for us as people, maybe who were raised in like a very drive system. Got a world because in order to get to that place of, at least to go back and make that repair and whatever it is, you have to let go of the drive for a moment.
You have to release that and just, and it's almost like a, it's almost like a spiritual act of surrender, right? Like you're surrendering this outcome for a moment for this place of connection. And paradoxically, that's the thing that can make. That can help your son get to the outcome you wanted from the drive place.
But it is like this sort of strange, like surrender of like us controlling that kind of has to happen in the moment for a moment.
[00:24:21] Dr. Diana Hill: Yeah. And a year from now, you may not remember whether or not your kid took a shower or not, or ate their vegetables or not, but you may remember those moments. When you were cuddled on the couch together or when you were reading a story or when you were having that kind of like breakthrough moment of we're in a fight and now we're not, and those are the things that actually I think as much as they're not outcomes that we can put in our checklist of completion for the year, they are the things that most parents really want. That's part of the reason why we become parents is that we want to love and care for another human being.
And that's in the, that's more in the compassion system place. It's the place where we connect with life, that connection with life that is very interestingly energizing. So when you cultivate that compassion system, you can actually use the compassion system to help your drive system out. So people that are, you can think about people that are quite prolific or quite active, people like Martin Luther King, like Nelson Mandela, they had a good mod drive.
But it was compassionate dread. So we can't underestimate the power of compassion and getting stuff done, but it's the how you get stuff done and the why you get stuff done that's different. And it's a different paradigm. So we can think about that as parenting, but we can think about it in lots of different ways.
[00:25:46] Hunter: Is this what you, cause you talk about self compassion, holistic improvement, is this kind of, what is that exactly?
[00:25:53] Dr. Diana Hill: Yeah, more, yeah, I mean I think about self compassion more holistically beyond just the self, as the inner self actually, so I was on a retreat with Dan Siegel, right when this book was coming out, and or when I was working on this and he was like, I, we had this big battle about self compassion. He's I don't want to, I don't like the word self compassion because I don't see, I don't see that as the self. And the self is so much more than you're in, what's happening. That's the inner world. Maybe that's your inner self.
But the self is what's happening for you, but your self is in your kid, your self is in your community, your self is in your ancestors, your self, your self is in nature, your self is so much bigger. So this more holistic view of self compassion is starting to look at, oh, when I'm kind to myself, inner self.
To please Dan Siegel, when I'm kind to my inner self. I also have the capacity to open up to all the other aspects of how that kindness can flow. And I see that as more holistic because it can help shape the way that we are in the world, our impact. in the world that doesn't just benefit us, extends beyond us.
[00:27:05] Hunter: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I see it as so practically it's what we practice grows stronger. And as we practice for ourselves, we practice for our kids and all of those things, it just becomes more reflective. So just for, we're talking about self compassion because we've talked about self compassion before.
And I just know that yeah, there's A brand new listener to the podcast here is this is great, but let's be practical. How do I practice it? Let's just lay down, like how do we practice this?
[00:27:33] Dr. Diana Hill: Yeah, let's define it now that we're like, what, 20 minutes in. Let's define it and then how could we practice it?
So definition wise, self compassion, it's different than other things. So self compassion is not self care. Different things. Self care is taking care of yourself, taking care of your needs. Making sure you're eating well, making sure you're, getting enough sleep, maybe taking a break from time to time.
What's interesting about self compassion is you can do it here and now. You don't have to be anywhere else. You don't need any products, nothing. Because what self compassion is making contact. with a moment of pain or discomfort or suffering in some way. So the word compassion is when broken down is compassion to be with pain.
So you first make contact with something hurts here. Maybe it's, I'm feeling sad or I'm feeling anxious or I'm worried about something or I'm even like feel bad about something that I did. I made a mistake. I feel guilty, right? You make contact with that. It requires mindfulness. to make contact.
And then the second part of self compassion is that it's, again, it's self compassion isn't self care. Self compassion isn't self pity either. So self pity may be just like, Oh, I'm going to wallow in my guilt, right? Poor me. The second part of self compassion is doing something about that. Helping yourself out, being kind to yourself, taking action to alleviate some of your suffering, right?
So that, that practice of kindness. The practice of also understanding that we all suffer a common humanity is a very important part of self compassion that differentiates it from self care or self pity or even selfishness. And this component, so it's this practice of first I pause and I recognize that I'm hurting, okay, this is a moment of suffering, and then look at me, I'm like naturally doing this, I'm putting my hand on my chest and my belly, right?
This is just automatic for me at this point. Like here I am, making contact with it. Put your hand on your face, put your hand on your chest, and You could slow your breath way down so that your exhale becomes really long and you exhale to activate that vagus nerve. And then, how can I care for myself in this moment?
Maybe it's just saying something being encouraging or kind. Maybe it's activating my wisest self. Maybe it's stepping outside. Maybe it's forgiving myself for being human and, sometimes yelling at my kids. Maybe it's remembering that everybody is human and it's upset. So we practice that that kindness.
And it really is activating a wiser version of you, a wise friend. that can help you out. And that's why like you could do it in the boardroom meeting and you can do it in the kitchen with your kids because no one really knows that you're doing it, but you are shifting into that compassion system when you do these things.
[00:30:51] Hunter: Yes, shift out of that, that drive system into that compassion system and soften. And that is just makes all those human connections, I think, with ourselves, obviously.
But also with our families, with those relationships that are most important to us, it just makes it all able to happen when we shift out of doing and driving and going and into oh yeah, I'm human, I'm here, soft, I'm listening, right? That like softer human side. It's not what the thing that's most rewarded.
In our culture, so it can be not so habitual for us. It can be a little uncomfortable, dear Lister, it's okay if it is, right?
[00:31:37] Dr. Diana Hill: And sometimes we have to borrow, you asked about maybe a specific practice, but sometimes a practice that I've been using lately is like borrowing some other compassionate people.
I don't know, did you ever see the movie Ghost? With Patrick Swayze and Lucille Goldberg. I should re watch that sometimes. That's a good movie. I'll, I have a few memories of it. One of the scenes that I remember, I think it was, would be Goldberg that climbs inside Patrick Swayze's body at some point.
Something happens like that. So we can embody. And listeners can do this as you and I are talking, and you can do it too, Hunter. We can embody compassionate people. So you can think about right now somebody in your life, present, not present anymore, or even a spiritual figure who you think of as being very strong and stable, a stabilizing force.
Who would you think of, Hunter, who would be a stabilizing force, who do you think of?
[00:32:33] Hunter: I think mostly my mom. Eighty percent of the time, my mom.
[00:32:36] Dr. Diana Hill: Your mom when she's in that version of her, they just, we know we're all have different versions. We love you, mom. So here's what I want you to do. Hunter, you're going to take on the posture and spine of your mother, that stabilizing posture and spine of your mom.
And listeners can take on the posture and spine of whoever was that. And then imagining also somebody who is very kind and like super, like when they like just exude love, like open hearted, kind, loving nature. Who would be that person?
[00:33:13] Hunter: That was my oldest friend, Heather's mom, Anita.
[00:33:17] Dr. Diana Hill: Anita. So we have the spine of your mom and then I want you to open your heart to the heart of Anita.
You can hold the heart to Vanita. And then somebody who is very wise. They see things clearly. They don't add too much story. They're just like, boom, laser vision, super wise, super clear. Who would be a wise person? It could be a spiritual figure too. It doesn't have to be a person, but, or an animal even.
[00:33:42] Hunter: I guess that would be Thich Nhat Hanh.
[00:33:44] Dr. Diana Hill: Thich Nhat Hanh. Okay, so you have the spine of your mom, the heart of Anita, and then look through the eyes of Thich Nhat Hanh.
[00:33:53] Hunter: Wow, that's a crazy, powerful combination.
[00:33:57] Dr. Diana Hill: Okay. We're building your compassion itself. She's pretty awesome. Okay. So one more, one more last one.
So listeners can do that too. They're building the eyes of that wise person. The last one is somebody who spoke, who speaks their truth. Who can stand up and say something when they need to say something, who can quiet when they don't want to say something harsh or mean, but just has this capacity to use their voice in a really compassionate way. Who's that?
[00:34:24] Hunter: Toni Morrison.
[00:34:25] Dr. Diana Hill: Toni Morrison. Okay. Yeah, this is an awesome combo here. So here we go. So we close our eyes and we feel the spine of that strength of that person who embodies strength to us. And we feel the heart of that person or spiritual figure who's so loving and the eyes of that wise person, and the voice of that clear, compassionate person.
And we can hold all of those in our body. And when we have that, Then, we walk into those difficult situations. And we walk in getting to borrow our collective compassion, right? And that for me has been like I, sometimes I'll take that into a difficult conversation, it's like a little mini meditation, and I'm doing it, but nobody knows that I'm doing it because I'm maybe having a hard time finding my own.
wise version of myself, right? But you already know them all. They're all in there, right? And you can access them. And actually this embodied compassion back to Marcella Matos. She did a study looking at frequency of compassion practices versus embodiment. And those that embodied compassion had a bigger impact on their well being. So it's not just doing, going through the, like I'm, not just like going through the motions. It's actually feeling it, feeling this compassionate version of you.
[00:35:49] Hunter: I love that. That's beautiful. That feels like very intense. And, dear listener, another way to practice would be, of course, the “Self-Compassion Daily Journal” by Dr. Diana Hill that you can find everywhere. Diana, this has been so lovely to talk to you once again about compassion and to just think- it's like a watering. I just want to keep watering the seeds of this in the Mindful Parenting podcast. And so dear listener, I hope this has watered some compassionate seeds for you. And I know that has. Diana, this is so lovely. Thank you for sharing your time. Thank you for sharing your work. You said you were excited about something new coming around the corner. Do you want to share with the listener what you're working on?
[00:36:40] Dr. Diana Hill: I'm working on a project on wise effort, which is the culmination of all this stuff. I've been really interested in ACT for a long time, self compassion. Where my like my deep interest now is how do we take our effort, our energy, our prana, our sisu, whatever you want to call it, that life force within us, And how can we put it in places that really deeply matter to us while also enjoying and savoring the good that's available to us in the here and now? And so this concept of wise effort comes from the Eightfold Path of Buddhism. It's one of the steps of the Eightfold Path of Buddhism. The way that I'm fleshing it out is bringing in a lot of psychology to it. And that's what my podcast is all about these days- the “Wise Effort” show. It's what I'm writing on these days. It's what my newsletter is about. The Wise Effort Newsletter, where if you go on my website, you can sign up for it, but I just write about how do we, how can we practice wise effort at work? How can we practice it in our parenting? How can we be wise in our creative pursuits or even wise in our leadership or in our communities? And that's really putting this compassionate drive into action.
[00:37:43] Hunter: I love it. I'm looking forward to that. That's something that I've been thinking about a lot myself, so I'm going to have to check it out. Thank you again so much for coming on the Mindful Parenting Podcast. I love talking to you. I love you, the work that you do and share with the world and the way you share. So Compassionate. And down to earth, which is really lovely. So thank you so much for sharing your time with us today.
[00:38:10] Dr. Diana Hill: Thank you. I'm not gonna be able to look at you now without seeing your mom and Anita and Nahan, Toni Morrison.
[00:38:16] Hunter: It’s like a totem. It's like the hunter totem. So awesome. That's great. So helpful, always so helpful to practice and talk about self compassion and remember this. I hope that, if this is your first episode thinking about self compassion, that it's rattling some things in a good way for you. And if it's your second or third here on the Mindful Parenting Podcast, I hope that you I hope that we are watering these seeds and they are blossoming and growing.
And listen, I know you know a friend who could use a little self compassion, so please text that one friend about the show today. Just someone who could use it. And if you want more on self compassion, we got that for you. You can find more of Dr. Diana Hill in Episode 410, “How Acceptance and Regret Help Our Parenting”.
I invite you to listen to Episode 371 for “Self-Compassion Master Class” with Dr. Shauna Shapiro. And definitely check out Episode 338, “Fierce Self Compassion” with Kristen Neff. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening. This is a new year. We're starting new. This is a great year to start practicing self compassion, practicing to be kinder to yourself See And just open up our minds and our hearts to a little more self compassion.
Boy, I'm hokey today, aren't I? My goodness. But I honestly feel that way, so that's okay. Yeah, thank you so much for being here. This is, this episode is part of a series-“ The Stress and How to Cope” series- started off with episode 522, “Permission to Be Human”. Make sure you listen to Heal Your Trauma, episode 523, and then this one. And then next week, we're starting a whole other new series here in 2025, which will be the “Different Brains Amazing Kids” series. So if you have a kid who's got a little bit of a different kind of brain, Maybe a little neurodivergence, but they are amazing kids, but this is for you and we have four awesome episodes with four amazing speakers on this, so make sure you are subscribed and tuned in and I will be back to talk to you next week.
Thank you for being here. And I'll talk to you later. Okay. Take care. Namaste.
[00:40:48] Mindful Parenting Member: I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate better. And just, I'd say communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse. It's been really a positive influence in our lives. So definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it. It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much benefit from being a better parent to your children and feeling like you're connecting more with them and not feeling like you're yelling all the time or you're like, why isn't things working? I would say definitely do it. It's so worth it. It'll change you. No matter what age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's a great investment when someone's there. I'm very thankful I have this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working or you can learn some new tools and gain some perspective to shift everything in your parenting.
[00:41:51] Hunter: Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with too much to learn? Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clarke-Fields, and if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting membership. You will be joining hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class. This is an opportunity to really discover your unique lasting relationship, not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting, connected relationships, not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. I look forward to seeing you on the inside. MindfulParentingCourse.com
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