What is Gentle Parenting?
Are you skeptical about “gentle parenting?” Perhaps you or your partner is worried that it means that your kids won’t respect you. Or that there will be chaos in the home.
Let’s get down to what it is, and what it means to both you, the parent, and your child.
Gentle parenting is a modern approach to raising children where parents focus on empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries rather than punishment or control. We parents focus on nurturing a strong, positive relationship, modeling and teaching emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and problem-solving skills for our kids.
Gentle Parenting vs. Old School Parenting
Parenting with yelling and punishment has been shown to have negative outcomes for kids and families. Physical punishment can lead to aggression and even things like “time-outs” aren’t effective because this method shames kids and doesn’t teach them how to regulate their emotions, just suppress them.
With a “gentle” approach parents focus on nurturing a strong, positive relationship, modeling and teaching emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and problem-solving skills for their kids.
It’s important for parents to keep in mind that “gentle parenting” doesn’t mean NOT holding boundaries or letting kids walk all over parents and others. We can hold boundaries kindly, say “no” to our kids (and have them be upset) while still being empathetic.
Misconceptions About Gentle Parenting
Are you worried that gentle parenting means "no discipline" and that "it's too lenient"? These are common misconceptions. Also some people believe gentle parenting leads to overindulged, entitled children and that it’s a modern trend with no evidence or backing. All of these are false.
While the approach is not harsh and punitive, this approach done well involves setting clear expectations, addressing challenging behaviors, and modeling how to manage emotions constructively.
And it’s rooted in research on child development, neuroscience, and psychology. While old-school methods often lead to adolescent rebellion and conflict, “gentle” parenting emphasizes secure attachment and can lead to closer parent-child connections during the teen years, when kids really need parent’s influence.
How To Explore the Gentle Parenting Philosophy
It’s hard when we ourselves were raised with old-school yelling, threats and punishment language, but now want to do something different!
Try a “Yelling Fast”
I encourage parents to go on a yelling fast and work to really reduce their yelling. This requires us as parents to find ways to model emotional regulation for our kids—rather than telling them to calm down, we show them how to calm down.
Set Firm, But Compassionate Boundaries
Holding boundaries calmly and kindly—saying “no” without getting dysregulated—comes with intention and lots of practice. “No, you can’t have that right now. I can tell you’re frustrated.” Focusing on regulating our own emotions can really pay off for the whole family and parents often see behavior problems calm simply from not yelling.
A gentle approach to parenting doesn’t mean “permissive.”
As I teach it in Mindful Parenting, everybody’s needs are valid in the family—including the parents! If a child’s behavior is interfering with parents’ needs—like the need to have bodily autonomy, some quiet time, and a relatively clean house, for instance—then these are places where parents need to set a boundary.
However we don’t have to set the limit by yelling or belittling, we model how to be a good human by using respectful language.
Gentle Parenting Isn’t Easy
Learning to parent more mindfully can be a lot to learn and can be emotionally draining for parents. There’s a big learning investment in the front end, which can be hard for parents who have demands on them from all sides, but it can pay off as their children get older.
Don’t succumb to the pressure to be perfect. Social media has amplified the idealized image of gentle parenting, which can leave parents feeling inadequate. It’s important to remember that it isn't about perfection but about striving for connection, compassion, and growth. Mistakes and messiness are inevitable. Parents need to give themselves permission to be human.
How To Seek Additional Guidance
Go to trusted authors and podcasts from reliable sources rather than social media influencers. Take a minute to understand someone’s philosophy to see if it works for you.
Then, get more help! It’s great to get personal advice through parent coaching. We take lessons for tennis and driving—why not for parenting too? There’s no shame in learning to have great relationships with your kids. It's an effort and an investment that will pay off over a lifetime.
If you're reactive and yelling, I have two great resources to help you. First, check out this free blog post. Then, if you want more support, I have available the Stop Yelling Formula course.
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