On-Air Coaching: Getting Out the Door when Siblings Fight [532]
Rebecca
Do you struggle to get out the door in the morning? Hunter Clarke-Fields engages in an on-air coaching call with Rebecca, a mother of two boys wrestling with managing morning routines and sibling dynamics. Find out effective strategies for managing sibling conflicts with tools like reflective listening, teaching consent through play, and modeling emotional vocabulary.
EP 532- Out the Door When Siblings Fight
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Hunter: You're listening to The Mindful Mama Podcast, episode number 532. Today is a special on air coaching session where we're going to talk about getting out the door when siblings fight.
Welcome to The Mindful Mama Podcast. Here, it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Mama, we know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarke-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years, I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course and teacher training, and I'm the author of the international bestseller “Raising Good Humans Every Day”, and the “Raising Good Humans Guided Journal”.
Hey there, welcome! Happy March! I am so glad you're here, I am so glad it is getting warmer out too, oh my goodness.
Yes? This is an on air episode, but before we dive in, I just want to say that if you get some value from the Mindful Mama podcast, we really need your help to grow. We are wanting to get the podcast so that it's a more sustainable place for me and for my team, for everyone who creates this. If you could do me a favor and help the show grow by telling one friend about it, it can really make a difference, and I greatly appreciate it.
You're gonna hear Rebecca, a mom of two boys, wrestling with managing morning routines and sibling dynamics. And you're going to find out effective strategies for managing sibling conflicts with tools like reflective listening, teaching consent through play, and modeling emotional vocabulary. Lots of good stuff here.
You might remember Rebecca from the Q&A that we had not too long ago in February. And so she is doing her best to take advantage of all the free things we have here on the Mindful Mama podcast. You can do that too. Go to MindfulMamaMentor.com, click on the podcast link and you will see that there is a little red link that says leave a voicemail. You can leave a voicemail and get your question answered in a q and a episode on the link too. On the tab where it says “Podcast” on MindfulMamaMentor.com, you can, you'll also see a link for apply for on-air coaching. So Rebecca did both of these and she got both of these on the air, so you can do that too. Go to MindfulMamaMentor.com/podcast and you'll see all these options. Okay, now join me at the table as I talk to Rebecca in this on air coaching episode.
Okay, so I the way this will work is I'll, first we'll find out about you and your family, then I'll ask you about some of your wins, and then we'll go into the challenge, okay? Also, just tell me a little bit about you and your family.
[00:03:07] Rebecca: Yeah, so I live in Colorado with my husband, Adam, and my two sons Noland is seven and Hudson just turned four we also have a dog and I own a photography company so I work for myself Noland is in second grade and Hudson is in preschool part time and my husband, Adam is a builder here in Colorado.
[00:03:32] Hunter: All right. Awesome. And that sounds lovely. Colorado, you already told me before this, you have three inches, three feet, sorry, three inches. I'd be excited about three inches. You have three feet. Awesome. All right. Cool. And then what are some wins that you have? What are some wins that you can acknowledge?
[00:03:53] Rebecca: I love your teaching. I've read your book, I have your newer everyday book that I do look at. And the mindful meditation, I've been trying to incorporate that into my morning routine. I can usually get a couple minutes in every day. So yeah, that's been really nice. I do find that it has calmed me and helped with my reactivity for sure with my boys. And there, yeah it's been great. And I've done a lot of like different reading and studies of parenting stuff. I've done the love and logic courses and really love that philosophy, which kind of coincides with your philosophy. And I would say that a lot of things are working really well, like using “I” statements. Just trying to have reflexive listening trying to rephrase things in a more positive manner and not being so demanding in the way I phrase my sentences when trying to ask my boys to do things. Certainly it's easy with the toddler to give choices. Cause that's a really simple thing of do you want to put your coat on in the kitchen or in the mud room before we leave the house? Or do you want to use the potty now or in five minutes? And that kind of stuff works really well. Both of my boys are awesome, energetic. And so there's challenges there, but there's been a lot of great things that I think have been super helpful for our family.
[00:05:21] Hunter: Awesome. Wow. That's great. You're doing some meditation, you're doing some eye statements, you are reading and practicing, and that sounds amazing. You're practicing reflective listening, you're practicing to be less demanding. That sounds awesome. High fives. Thank you. I'm like air high fiving Rebecca. That's so cool. Yeah that's awesome that all of this and, with their four and seven, like all this work that you've been doing at this time I bet I know it, it's it's like you put in the early work, it pays off.
Dividends down the road. I know it all for repairs. Trust me, it will. Seven and four, four is such an energetic age boy. Okay. So what's going on? What are the challenges that are happening?
[00:06:08] Rebecca: So the challenges I think are siblings. It was different with my seven year old when he was It's almost four is when we had Hudson my youngest.
And so up until that point, I feel like all of this, these teachings were super easy to implement because there was only one. And then you add another one. And now that the four year old is four he's really involved, in, in life. He's not a baby anymore. And so he's playing and interacting. And the seven year old is very energetic.
And that energy is awesome when they're playing and things are going well, but it can quickly turn or it can be during an inappropriate time. For example, I had this morning where he is just full of energy first thing in the morning and he wants to wrestle and goof off and run down the hallway and the 4 year old will totally just follow and wants to do whatever Big Brother's doing and will be involved in all of it, and meanwhile, the clock is ticking, and we need to get to school.
And this morning, neither of them got breakfast because the breakfast came and breakfast time went and they still were not ready. Luckily, there's not like a big outburst about that because this is something that's hey, breakfast clock is on. You come down and you have time, then you can eat, but if you don't, then you don't get it.
So it's not like we have some crazy temper tantrum about that rule, but it is hard for me to stay calm when I know that this is what's going to happen. And it's also just I'm not really sure how to help. A seven year old, use that energy for focus on what needs to get done instead of silly time which we just don't have time for in the morning with our one little hour before school.
[00:07:58] Hunter: Okay. All right. That, getting ready, getting out of the house, this is a very common problem, right? There's a lot going on there. Okay. Tell me what is your normal routine and structure?
[00:08:09] Rebecca: So typically, the older, my older son's alarm goes off at about quarter to seven. And if the four year old, Hudson, is not awake, then Noland is really good at focusing.
He'll get himself up, he'll get himself dressed, he'll get himself brushed. And then he's ready to come downstairs this morning, Hudson was up at six. And so by the time Noland woke up, Hudson was already awake and the playing starts. So it just depends on what, how the day is unfolding in the morning about if things are going to get done quickly and focused or if things are going to get wild.
And it also is just like Monday. That can sometimes derail things of just getting out of that weekend where you could just wake up and play, and now all of a sudden you have to wake up and focus.
[00:09:01] Hunter: And Monday's hard.
[00:09:02] Rebecca: Yeah.
[00:09:03] Hunter: I feel that on Monday. And when do you have to be out of the house?
[00:09:05] Rebecca: Oh, so we have to be walking out the house. It's 755 to get Hudson to school first and then to get Nolan to school on time. We've been trying really hard to be timely with Nolan. That has been a struggle with him not being late. So we've set up some rewards for him. But if he. It isn't tardy at school for the next two weeks, and we've been doing this for the last couple weeks before Thanksgiving he'll get a pizza movie night, and he's really excited about that.
755 is like the very last minute we can walk out that door. It really should be a little bit earlier than that to get everybody on time, especially with three feet of snow.
[00:09:43] Hunter: Yeah, I imagine. Then you got to deal with a car, you got to, or whatever, I met most people driving. Okay. Okay. At 645, out the door at 755.
Breakfast time is, I'm a little worried about the teachers who are, your kids are going to come in and they're going to be like,
[00:09:59] Rebecca: I'm starving, help. Oh, Nolan had a banana before he left and they do have snack time. And this is where I'm like, I do know that they're going to get fed within an hour or two of being at school, especially before you'll.
they have tons of snack times. But, and he did have a banana, but it was like the oatmeal that I had made that they had wanted and asked for, they didn't get to have. So usually we gotta be putting shoes on at seven, at yeah, 7 45, just cause it takes. It's a good seven minutes for them to put all their winter gear on and their shoes and actually be walking out the door and in the car at 7.
55. So usually breakfast time has got to be at like 7. 30. They feed the dog before they leave. They've got to get dressed and brush their teeth. Usually they do that before breakfast. And that's my requirement is like all your stuff has to be done. Your backpack's got to be packed. The dog's got to be fed.
You gotta be dressed and brushed before you can have breakfast, because if we have breakfast first and that takes a long time, suddenly we're really against the gun for getting out the door on time.
[00:11:01] Hunter: Yes. The banana can be eaten in the car. The dog can't be fed in the car. Exactly.
[00:11:09] Rebecca: You don't want to be naked going to school in this weather, let me tell you. Even without your coat, it's cold. Okay, so it sounds like what I'm hearing here is like you have, you're using skillful means you're practicing to keep yourself less reactive. You're practicing to use skillful communication. This is all awesome. Sounds like what I'm hearing is that the, maybe the structure and the routine of the morning. Maybe needs some tweaking here. Does that sound fair enough?
[00:13:50] Rebecca: Sure. Yeah.
[00:13:50] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah it sounds a little tight to me. Does it feel like that to you?
[00:13:56] Rebecca: It's funny that you say that because last year it was 7 a. m That he woke up and so this year we moved it back to 635 was his choice, and that was working really good, and then he felt like he could give himself 10 more minutes of sleep because he was doing such a good job at the focusing and getting ready.
It's not like this has been a problem every day this year. Things have gotten better from last year and we've just, it's more just that energy of we need to play. Sometimes this happens about getting ready for bed too where it's just like their focus is. We want to play and be goofy and be energetic and
[00:14:32] Hunter: yeah, so you're feeling good about the structures.
You're even involving Nolan in like the figuring out of the routine and structure, which is really smart, right? To give him some ownership of it. That's really, that's also a real win for everyone who's listening isn't doing that. That's a good idea too. Yeah. But like when to how to remind him and get him on track when things that when the play is happening.
Yeah, I guess I would, I wouldn't think about I would think about ways to maybe allow more space and beef up the structure. I always thought it was I never did this. But I always wish I had, which is make a picture chart of these are the things we need to be done that you could like maybe even, laminate and have a wipe off thing and be like, okay, have you checked off the four things you need to do?
And then you can play if you have time, you can definitely play. But if you haven't, we don't have time to play. I, they always think something like that is good. I know that works well for people. So those structures and stuff like that. So I would, I guess I would encourage you to let's talk about like ways to communicate it.
Cause that's where we can work, but also maybe talk with everybody about, Hey, are there ways that we can make it easier to remember that it's a school day, that it's a weekday. And so that you can rely on these other things more than. Use so much like one of the things that we did was there's all those timers too.
There's a big time timer. You can get like an 18 inch one and it shows red. It's like a big bright. Have you ever seen these? It's like just a little timers. Oh, they have ones are like 18 inches that they have for schools. And so you could do that and and there are like there were, I'm sure there's so much more sophisticated now, but there are apps that will do a countdown timer out loud for you on your phone so that you're not the one saying five minutes to go, that kind of thing.
And you could set it for maybe, seven 45. It probably wouldn't hurt to get to school 10 minutes early, right? If it just so happened. Yeah, set it for 745, and then you have this thing counting down. So there's some other, those are some other things that you can do, and it goes there are ones, you do whatever, half an hour to go, 15 minutes, that kind of thing.
As, when you think about that idea of some of the structures and the spacing, do it, does anything, do any of these sound good to you, or does anything else come to mind that you can think of?
[00:17:03] Rebecca: Yeah, no, definitely. It makes a lot of sense to me. What I try really hard to do is to not constantly remind Yeah, because that makes me crazy So I do the one like I wonder if you guys are getting Yourselves ready the way you need to be or something like that as a statement before It's a lot of time passes and then I like just let them do their thing.
Yeah, the timers are great. We have a timer that we set, but it doesn't have the countdown aspect, which especially for the four year old, I think is really important because he can't read the clock. And they don't have a concept of time at that age. So maybe something that's a little bit more visual would be nice.
We've done the chart before and maybe we just need to reintroduce it. They get sick of it and it stops being effective. But maybe it's a good time for us just to have another one. Cause we've talked about how this is why you're getting up early is so that. You guys have the time to play because we were finding that they just need it.
They need to interact with each other. So maybe we need to revisit that. I guess another struggle in that realm would be that sometimes it turns a little too violent and then like the four year old inevitably ends up getting hurt and crying. So curious about your thoughts about maybe language around that for me to help with the two of them. And I don't want to start creating this bully and victim mentality between the two kids. The seven year old's a lot bigger. The four year old is four. Inevitably, that's the way it goes. This idea of like retaliation seems to be happening a lot where if one gets, like the seven year old gets hit, hey, you can turn around and hit the four year old.
He won't cry, but the four year old cries because he actually gets hurt by it. So just trying to maybe how to deal or manage with that in this. Chaotic time. Okay. All right.
[00:18:51] Hunter: So structures, timing. That's one thing. Yeah. Like how to wrangle the crazy boy energy that's happening, right? They want to play.
All right. So you were saying this morning, like Nolan and Hudson are just playing and they can get rough and things like that. How do you normally approach them when you want, when you're like in a situation like this? What do you say? Yeah. Yeah.
[00:19:12] Rebecca: The truth is I let them suss it out themselves for the most part and then something might happen and Hudson will get hurt and then he'll come to me and be sad.
That's my struggle point where I'm like, oh, wow, that sounds like that really hurt or that's made you sad. And then Noland usually jumps in and says he did this first and he did that first. And that's my stuck point is. I never really know what the best thing to say there is, I try not to be blameful of the seven year old because that is true.
Usually it takes two of them and they're both involved in this issue. A lot of times I let them suss it out because they are playing first and so I might not be in the room with them, and they're sounding like they're having a great time, they're laughing and then You know, it gets taken a little too far.
[00:20:05] Hunter: It's probably pretty quick that it gets taken a little bit too far. It's not like you're hearing the buildup because that's the hope is that you might be able to jump in and if you're seeing it's about to get violent, right? That's where you want to stop it.
Okay. So yeah, you would like to be able to maybe jump in right before right before there's violence. But but yeah, it's probably happening so quickly. Absolutely. Absolutely. And you don't want to hover over them. You want to let them play and work it out, and you got stuff to do. It's the morning.
You got things to do, right? So you're not gonna, yeah. I think it's much better to not hover over them. Have you had talks about hitting and violence and things like that outside of these moments?
[00:20:43] Rebecca: Definitely. And, my favorite phrase is, it's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit. So I repeat that one a lot.
I think I might've gotten that from one of your podcasts actually, sounds like something you'd hear here. It's a good one. I really like it. I put it on my phone as a reminder. And and yeah we've had at length talks about retaliation and how that's not okay. We've got to use our words.
We've got to try different one thing I noticed is like my seven year old, he'll get activated and he'll have that look on his face. And so I know it's coming and I'll be like, wow, you're, you look really frustrated right now. I'll be like, how about, can we, can you just take a deep breath?
But like nobody, when they're activated like that wants to hear your. Deep breath guidance even that would be the best thing for them to do. It's like not the right time so he looks at me, and then he's like even more aggravated with me because I'm like telling him to take a Suggesting to take a deep breath at that time So
[00:21:40] Hunter: It's funny because when you said that oh, it sounds like you're really frustrated or not It's yeah, that's awesome.
Go and then he said Why don't you take a deep breath and I was like, Oh,
[00:21:49] Rebecca: yeah,
[00:21:52] Hunter: if anyone said that to you when you're in someone, someone says that to me when I'm really angry, I'm just like, I want to murder you. So yeah, it's hard to so sounds maybe there's a one sort of action point and practice point for you is to stop the advice from rolling.
Yeah.
[00:22:09] Rebecca: So after the say, no, you look really frustrated. And then I don't know what to say. Yeah, then you just shut up. You shut up.
[00:22:18] Hunter: But you just, you was really frustrated. And then you leave space and let him say what's happening, right? What is the annoying thing that his little brother Hudson is doing? And listen, because that's good.
That's what's going to deflate the energy bubble of that is you're seeing it, you're hearing it, you're acknowledging it, right? Just like that. Name it to tame it. It works for us. Internally, it also works for everyone else. Wow, you're really frustrated. Yeah, but he did this. He's so annoying, but whatever, right?
Like he says all these things. But yeah, that, that would be a good for that moment. But we're talking about a moment where maybe they've both already gotten frustrated or hurt and you've got to get the morning back on track. Okay. All right. So when they come and one's been hit, what do you say?
[00:23:11] Rebecca: Usually I just give him a hug and be like, oh, that sounds like that really hurt. And then that's where I'm at a lot of because then usually Nolan chimes in and says he did this to me or he's a liar or I didn't hit him or something like that. This morning when that happened, I said, And he said Nolan said that's not true.
He did XYZ first. And I said that doesn't sound very empathetic. That was about as far as I got.
[00:23:41] Hunter: So yeah, that, yeah. So we're getting really getting into kind of like picking apart the nitty gritty here with you, Rebecca, because overall you're really doing great. Like you're very skillful in so many ways.
But let's get into some of the places that aren't so scufflous. So yeah, like you're being, you're really not being very empathetic. There is a little like shamey blamey kind of stuff, which is very normal, natural stuff for us to come out of our mouths because that's just what's in the world, right? So I'm not trying to shame and blame you for shamey blamey talk.
Because that's just the way people talk to each other in the world we live in. Forgiveness and all that for that. But so you come and they come, they're upset or you go up there and you get the hugs for the one who's been hit and crying, maybe got the little one in one arm. Oh, you're really upset.
This hurt. Yeah. And then no one says, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So this is where. You have a chance to like what you want to do is really position yourself as Not the one who's going to solve the problem, but like the the one who's going to help everyone get regulated, and that's really your goal there.
And maybe like the mediator a little bit.
Okay, like you're a coach, you're, you, Comfort Hudson, who's crying, Nolan says, but he's a liar. He did this, and that. And you say you, again, this is when your kid is talking to you. He's upset. So you can reflectively listen to that.
You're really upset. Sounds like you got upset when Hudson did this. And you're, I'm hearing, you're both have a different story. I'd like to listen to each of you. And so you want to get the point across that you're here to listen to be a sounding board for each of them, and that's gonna be challenging.
It's gonna take some practice for you. You'll have plenty of moments of practice. But yeah, so you want to say to them I'm here to listen to you and you just, Your point at that point is not to be judge and jury is not to actually, you don't, I wouldn't worry too much at this point about what exactly is the real thing that happened necessarily, but to just really be a listener for each of them because, and why you want to focus on being a listener is that as they speak it, you reflect it back.
Oh, so you saw, he did. Your brother did this and you didn't like it when this happened and that made you upset. That provides clarity for them. And then what you can do at some point is you listen to Nolan, okay, I'm going to listen to you too, Hudson. I'm going to listen to you too.
Hang on. I'm going to listen to you. Go ahead, Nolan. Tell me what you're saying. And you listen, you reflect back. And then you say, okay, thank you. I'm going to, I'm going to hear from you. I want to hear from your, that sounded upsetting. I can understand why you got upset. I'm going to hear from your brother Hudson.
He tells you what's happened. Okay. And so what you then say, it says something like, it sounds xYZ happens, you reflect back, describe what happened as you understand it in a non judgmental way, right? And as, with the least shamey blamey way you can. Sounds like Hudson, you guys were playing and running, and then Hudson poked you with his whatever, and that got you upset, and you hit him.
Whatever. Does that sound clear? Is that, am I getting it right? And if you're not, that'll correct you. So basically, the idea is to take, this is why we want more padding in your morning. This stuff inevitably happens, and actually, for the listener who's saying, this sounds like this is going to take forever, or you, Rebecca, who's saying this sounds like it's going to take forever, it's actually probably going to take a lot less than the big upset will, ultimately.
And it gets faster and faster as time goes on, you get better at it. But You take a few minutes, you pause everything and take a few minutes and say, okay, I'm listening to you. I listened to you. Sounds like this happened. What can we do about this next time this happens or in the future?
Or maybe you even have that, maybe you have that, what do we do about it next time we. In the car, you have that talk. You say, okay, oh my gosh, this is a mess. Is everyone okay now? Hug hug, let's breathe. Finish getting ready. We'll talk about this in the car. Okay. So basically the whole drive in that moment is to just get everyone down regulated from being really up.
So I'm going to just pause there and you tell me what you're hearing.
[00:28:16] Rebecca: Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. It's definitely just the nugget that I was missing was maybe some of the vocabulary with the Being reflective of what happened or listening and then sportscasting back like this is what I hear that you're selling telling me happen.
Okay. And this is what you're saying happened. Like this sounds really hard. And then maybe not trying to solve the problem. They're coming back to it. And a lot of times this isn't something they intentionally did. It's in the rough and tumble play of two boys. One does something the other one doesn't like and then turns around and does something.
So I feel like it's not like they're, really trying to hurt each other. That was not the intention, which is, feels good to know. It's usually just what can conspire or transpire when two boys are playing and one's much bigger than the other.
[00:29:08] Hunter: Yeah. And so then this would also be a good thing to ha talk about later.
This happened this morning. So even like later today in some kind of no problem zone, when nobody's tired or hungry, it might be good to sit down and say, boy, that was a mess this morning. This you were upset 'cause of this. You were upset 'cause of this. I wonder what we can do if, when you're playing, and, maybe even to Hudson and with Nolan there, I wonder what you can do if you're playing and you get hurt, because sometimes when you play, you guys get hurt.
What can you do about it instead of hitting back? So this idea of retaliation, what can we do in those moments? And have a win problem solving, a brainstorming session with them and invite them into the solution. Yeah. And you may want to Makes a lot of sense. Guide them towards a come get me as part of one of the ideas that
[00:30:03] Rebecca: you could offer.
Yeah, something I do notice from afar is a lot of times Hudson will start saying stop, or I don't like that, or whatever. He is doing a good job at using his words, and Because they're in a playful space, Nolan doesn't always respect that immediately. And so we have been trying to talk to Nolan the first time someone says stop, you must stop.
This is important, this is safety throughout your whole life. When dad yells stop because you're on your bike and there's a car coming, you have to know to stop. It's a big thing for my husband too, that like Nolan doesn't stop immediately when he hears that word. Now, if he was on his bike, it's one thing because I think he understands the safety of that.
But when it's playtime, he doesn't take it as seriously and he's just a very physical kid. So like he wants to keep wrestling, and I think we just need to maybe talk more about the importance of that language. If Hudson is saying this, you need to be respectful of it immediately.
[00:31:07] Hunter: Sure, you can talk about it, and you can also practice it. It's really great for all kids of all, Sexist, to do rough and tumble play because consent can be really taught in that, those moments like, and the language of stop can be used and be really powerful. So if you're tickling and there's a stop I remember when I was a kid, my dad tickled me.
I loved it. And then he would like, he wouldn't stop though. I would be like, no, I'm dying. So with my daughters, I always stopped. We'll stop is what we want to do, right? We want to stop when our kids say stop. So they understand about consent, but also we vice versa. But yeah, that would be a great thing to practice.
Not just like in a talking to him, but to practice it in play, and also you could practice it in a really classic game. Do you remember Red Light, Green Light?
[00:31:58] Rebecca: Yeah.
[00:31:59] Hunter: Yeah. That might be fun to practice as well. So to just, yeah, give him outlets for that rough and tumble play with you guys too so that he can learn a little bit more some of the play rules of the road.
[00:32:12] Rebecca: Yeah that's a really good idea. I think we could make that a fun game. That I can kind of preface with, hey, we're going to practice this so that we can all be mindful when this is happening in other areas and other times of our day.
[00:32:24] Hunter: Yeah, and you could do rough and tumble plays.
Games are so fun. You can do just try to get past me to the couch or you're over there or yeah, there's a whole bunch of them. There's a great book since you, you liked it. Oh, I just interviewed Tina Bryson and Georgie with Sen Vincent have a good book coming out in January.
Their book is called The Way of Play, and it's about parents playing with kids to create connection. And also Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen is a classic that's incredibly good for those kind of things. So I recommend those as resources but yeah playing could be a good one to with them to be, to practice that kind of bodily consent stuff.
It sounds like that's what, that might be what they need most here.
[00:33:49] Rebecca: Yeah, just 'cause Noland is, he's just incredibly physical and we have so many outlets for him, right? Like he loves hockey, so he plays hockey. We go skiing. They're out in the snow. They are. It's definitely like we are. I feel like giving them lots of opportunities. But he just he loves to wrestle that little brother,
[00:34:08] Hunter: that's great.
And it's great that they have a good relationship for it. I that's wonderful. That's like the best thing you could give a kid's it's a really good relationship with their sibling. Yeah. The other things, be great to have look for children's books that have like brothers that love each other, right?
Have those books around look for. Movies or I don't know, it's a low time for like brothers and movies, I think, but I'm not seeing much and yeah, but yeah talk about, do things like talk about team, our last name and, being on each other's team and how lucky they are to have each other and, just acknowledging some of that stuff out loud is great.
It's like just creating the culture of your family. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:34:51] Rebecca: Is there a good time to try to help with them, help them with I feel vocabulary? I read or I listened to your podcast with boy moms. on there. Anyway, just like trying to be more mindful about getting them to talk about their feelings because that's a challenge with boys.
And so is there a time do you think during some of this like reflective listening and Some of that time where maybe something has ruptured that has turned the play from fun to not fun anymore Should I be trying to encourage any kind of language between them at that point or is that not a good time to?
Yeah,
[00:35:38] Hunter: I wouldn't make it a teaching moment necessarily, but what you're teaching in the modeling in those moments, they're really powerful moments for modeling. And that's a really powerful moment to model feeling words because yeah, you want to acknowledge the feelings and you just guess at them, right?
You can say, wow, you look super upset or you were scared that. This happened or maybe you felt it sounds like you felt embarrassed and this happened. So yeah, you absolutely want to use your feeling words in those moments. You want to acknowledge the feelings and maybe what's happening, but actually the feelings are the most important, right?
That's really gives them the, you see me, you hear me kind of thing. But also like you can, this is a great thing to talk to hubby Adam about too, is to not only just hear you using words for feelings, but him using that too, like having that modeling of, It's hard for us to remember this because we're so taught and cultured to not talk about things like difficult feelings or failures or anything uncomfortable like that, but it's really helpful for kids if like around the dinner table, you can talk about I felt embarrassed today when this happened, or I felt worried today when this happened and this didn't go my way and It was a mess and now I have to fix it up right to let them know our failures and our humanities so that they know that they can talk about all the things and they can try things and fail and they're still okay and accepted and all of that.
So that is subtle, but that can be something that you guys can. Yeah.
[00:37:21] Rebecca: Yeah. I, we're working on that in couples therapy. It's funny how you do all this stuff as a parent to your kids, like the reflective listening, all these good models, and then you don't apply them to your relationship with your husband and you should.
So that's the kind of stuff, yeah, because we just, we don't use a lot of that language to each other. I don't think I very often say to my husband wow, I felt like really sad today. About X, Y, and Z, we just, we end up just saying what happened in our day and not talking about how we feel about it.
So I like that idea about finding space for that.
[00:37:59] Hunter: A nice structure for that's been so helpful in my family is to use the rose, thorn, and bud. I think the Obamas did this a long time ago. But yeah, ask everyone what's a rose, thorn, and bud. And so they're. The thorn is a place, gives an opening for somebody to acknowledge something that wasn't so good in their day and to talk about it a little bit more if they want to, they don't have to, right?
But and it gives everyone some sort of space and structure to do these things rather than how was your day? It gives us a little more, nuance to our answer.
[00:38:32] Rebecca: Yeah, we play Poop Sandwich is what we call it. Poop Sandwich? What's that? It's you gotta say something good about your day, bad about your day, good about your day.
So that's Poop Sandwich. And my seven year old just loves it. We have to do every night we have to do Poop Sandwich and Two Truths and a Lie before he goes to bed and he thinks cause he. is seven and he's a bad liar. Luckily for me, he's cracking up when he wants to tell a lie. So he thinks it's really funny to do because he just starts to laugh.
Oh no. But yeah, that's it's those are good games for that age for sure to open some of that language up.
[00:39:11] Hunter: Yeah. Cool. Poop sandwich.
[00:39:14] Rebecca: There's a new one for you. I think it's the same thing as It's a rosebud and thorn. Rosebud
[00:39:19] Hunter: and thorn. The bud is something you're looking forward to.
That's, that's okay. It's just very slightly different. It's very good. This is awesome, Rebecca. Okay. Jess you're doing great. You're doing a lot of things. I love that you're using that calming And your mentation, your eye statements, that's great. And so we talked about this challenge, the boys fighting in the morning.
All the time.
[00:39:46] Rebecca: Fun.
[00:39:47] Hunter: Yeah. So one of the things that I wanted to get, like the idea of playing some of this out can be really helpful because if you do, if you get practice with red light, green light, you can be like. Red light, we gotta go to school yeah, I know, red light, oh my god, freeze, everybody freeze, right?
Then even like a run and freeze kind of thing can be good because then you can use the language of like red light or freeze. in the morning and make it like more playful. If time is running out, you have to stop the rambunctiousness a bit. You can use some of that language then and then bring it into the day.
But I would absolutely encourage you if it's, we talked about this morning, but if it's becoming a pattern, go back to that. Let's sit down and talk about it. The mornings are getting too crazy. What can we do? How should we shift our structure and things like that? So go back to have those conversation.
All right. What are you, what through that conversation, what are some things you're going to take away from this?
[00:40:52] Rebecca: Taking a little bit more time when the rupture happens. To hear both of them out about what happened to be reflective about what they're saying and to not solve the problem and just be like, wow, that sounds really hard.
And then maybe later having a conversation about how can we do things differently or what can we come up with? That would be more effective and better for everybody involved. That's not just retaliation. Cause I do think that's one of the biggest challenges for my seven year old is he just turns around and wants to retaliate.
And we talk about how that doesn't work in the real world. Like you get older and you start doing that. Like it's going to cause real problems for him. So trying to. Figure out how to deal with that a little bit more in home. I'm certainly going to continue to rework our mornings if we need to, and maybe incorporate some of the things that we had been using the checklist about what we need to do to get ready, maybe giving them a little bit more time, maybe setting that timer or that alarm clock a little bit earlier in the morning, so that they do have some play time and play space.
I love the idea of these games I can envision saying, Red light on the playtime, green light, get dressed, let's go as fast as we can to get dressed and make that more of a game in the morning, but then also playing those games just. regularly so that we can practice some of that respect of stop and consent and, the language that's being used to keep bodies safe.
I know that they teach it a lot in preschool. I think by second grade, they're not talking about that in school at all. But I know that the preschool is playing some of those games too. So I feel like that would be a really good thing to do at home as well.
[00:42:38] Hunter: Awesome. Cool. I love this.
[00:42:40] Rebecca: Yeah, me too. I'm excited for tomorrow morning.
[00:42:45] Hunter: They're like, bring it on. Here comes mama. Alright awesome. I'm so glad you could come on the podcast and we could talk about it. Sounds like this family is great. I'm going to picture you guys now in your backyard. It's like red light, green light, and the kids slipping and sliding everywhere. And the three feet of snow, I'm a little jealous, it sounds funny.
It
[00:43:07] Rebecca: is, it's definitely fun. I would like summer to be a little longer and winter to be a little shorter, but yeah, I love where we live,
[00:43:14] Hunter: yeah. It's been a real pleasure meeting you. Thank you so much for coming in.
[00:43:19] Rebecca: Yeah. Thank you, Hunter. I do really appreciate all of your help and all your podcasts.
So thanks for having me.
[00:43:29] Hunter: Hey, I hope you enjoyed this episode. Like I said in the beginning, we we'd love it if you could share it with a friend, just text it to someone who could use it. We do need your help to grow the podcast so that our numbers are more sustainable and for our team to help us all continue to bring this to you for free. So please help to grow the podcast by sending it to someone. And also, like I said in the intro, I want to let you know that, Rebecca got this on our coaching session and she did a Q&A earlier and you can do those too. Go to MindfulMamaMentor.com/podcast. You'll see a little link to leave a voicemail so you could do a Q&A episode.
That's super easy. Doesn't take any time out of your day. You can also, we also have a link under the podcast tab to apply for on air coaching, which is a little more involved in that we will then I will reach out to you. We will schedule a time to record together and we'll do an hour of coaching. But either way, these are great ways to engage with the podcast.
So I hope you will do that. And it is getting a little warm here in Delaware. I hope it is getting warmer out where you are. I'm going to give you a quick update on my life right now. We are waiting. Maggie is 18 years old now. Can you believe that? That little kid. I write about in the beginning of Raising Good Humans is 18 years old.
Oh my god, it's so crazy. And actually, keep an ear out. We might do a podcast episode here together. But she is now, we're waiting to hear from colleges, college applications, going through that whole thing. And yeah, it's a lot, it's a lot to think about. Really now, I'm like those grandmas, when I remember when Maggie was little walking and having her in my ergo baby carrier or in the stroller or whatever and all the grandmas saying, Oh my God, enjoy every minute of it.
And just feeling so annoyed because how is anyone supposed to ever enjoy any every minute of something and it just really annoyed me and there were a lot of hard parts of this baby thing and oh my gosh this was an intense child and all of that but anyway now I understand where all the grandmas are coming from because the time goes by so fast.
It goes by so fast and I'm so grateful that my relationship with my daughter is positive and warm and loving and that is like the biggest achievement I could have made in my life. It really means a lot to me and, but man, it's gone by so fast. Anyway, you know the love you feel for your kid, and I know the love I feel for a kid, my kid, and it just, It makes all the work that we do be more present, to be more loving, to take care of ourselves, so that we can be present for them.
So much more important. Anyway, I didn't expect to get so emotional here talking to you at the end of this podcast. But yeah, it's an intense time. And, anyway, wherever you are, I know that we go through these waves, right? We go through these waves of these intense times together. And then even in the intense times, we have those moments of lightness and the wave passes.
And anyway, I just encourage you to to practice, to accept yourself through all of this. You, as I always say, you have permission to be human and when you give yourself that permission, when you practice to interrupt the judging and practice to accept love and accept yourself as you are the waves move through you and then we can be present for all the different things that come to the joy and the lightness and the humor and all that.
So yeah, I'm wishing you a great week. If you enjoyed this podcast, please do share it. It makes a big difference and I will be back to talk to you next week. Yeah, thanks for listening. Namaste.
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