Elisabeth is a wife, mother to a wonderful, strong-willed 9 year old daughter, and a coffee and book lover!
449: When You’re Stretched Thin
Mindful Parenting Coaching Call
Elisabeth has a 9 year old daughter and she’s struggling with her reactivity and moving away from controlling her daughter and into coaching her.
In this session, she discovers what her North Star is and how her day-to-day life and feeling super stretched thin is holding her back from making the changes she wants to make.
Listen for the tool Hunter offers for her to talk to her husband about making the household duties fairer!
When You’re Stretched Thin-Mindful Parenting Coaching Call [449]
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Hunter: I'm so glad we're talking now because this is such a crucial time, right? Like 9 into 10, like, because this is when they're going to be differentiating, pushing away, and you really do want to make the most of those moments when they are there.
You're listening to the Mindful Parenting Podcast, episode number 449. Today is a special Mindful Parenting coaching edition about when you're stretched thin.
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting Podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Parenting, we know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarkfields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course, and I'm the author of the international bestseller, Raising Good Humans, and now Raising Good Humans Every Day, 50 simple ways to rest, pause, stay present, and connect with your kids. Hey, welcome. Welcome back.
Uh, my gosh, it's 2024. It's February. I hope you're doing well. I've got an awesome conversation for you today. I'm going to be talking to Elizabeth, who has a nine year old daughter, and she's struggling with her reactivity and moving away from controlling her daughter and into coaching her. And you're going to hear in this session how she discovers Her North Star is, and how her day to day life of feeling super stretched thin is really holding her back from making some changes that she wants to make.
So I'm going to share with her tool, uh, for her to talk to her husband about making household duties fairer. So, awesome, awesome coaching session. I hope you like it. And hey, quick reminder, you can listen to this episode ad free. By supporting, becoming a supporter of the podcast through Podcast Plus, you subscribe, easy way to be a supporter, podcast you love, and you get ad free episodes.
And you can just go to mindfulmamamentor. com and click on the podcast link to join Podcast Plus. All right, let's do this. Join me at the table as I talk to Elizabeth in this Mindful Parenting coaching episode.
Well, thank you so much for coming on the Mindful Parenting Podcast. I'm so glad you can be here.
[00:02:44] Elisabeth: Thanks so much and I'm really excited to be here.
[00:02:47] Hunter: Alright, so before we dive into your wins and then your challenge, tell me a little bit about your family.
[00:02:55] Elisabeth: Yeah, I am married to my husband. We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary last month. We have a nine year old Daughter, who is amazing and wonderful and intelligent and very strong willed.
[00:03:12] Hunter: Strong willed kids, man. They're great. They really keep us on our toes. All right. And you guys live, you work full time. Kind of give us a little bit of a lay of like what your sort of house and area maybe is like, you know, and working.
Day to day a little bit?
[00:03:33] Elisabeth: Absolutely. Yeah. So, um, my husband works fulltime. I technically work part-time four days a week, but I am doing a lot of work outside of those four days. So I feel like I work full-time, both outside of the home. Um, and then my honor, vista to school full-time. Yeah, I do kinda do my job a little bit more flexible, so I do a lot of the pickup drop offs, parenting events, things like that.
[00:03:54] Hunter: Okay. You're like the administrator of your house.
[00:03:58] Elisabeth: I am 100 percent fast.
[00:03:59] Hunter: Yeah. That was such a fun job. All right. Awesome. And before we go into any of our challenges, as always, I want to know what are your wins?
[00:04:11] Elisabeth: Wow, you know, I just finished your second book, actually, this past weekend. Yay! And it was really great and helpful.
And it really resonated with a lot of what you shared with your own experience of parenting your daughters. And, um, I think I've really just trying to, I really tried to be lately more present for my daughter. I think sometimes I feel really pulled about. I have this to do list and I'm really grateful that at nine, almost ten, she still wants to spend time with me.
And so sometimes I'll feel asked to play and I feel guilty because I'm like, Oh, I have, I have this big list to do, but I've really been trying to coach myself and you know what? The to do list will be there. She's not always going to want to hang out with you coming up soon here, probably. So I'm trying to be present.
So I'm really trying to be more intentional about just letting go of all the other things to spend some time with her. So I'm warned. And if they work in progress, they're like minimal threats.
[00:05:06] Hunter: Yeah, that's great though. That's a great intention. I love how you're like coaching yourself into a perspective on this because it's easy to get lost in, I mean, especially if you're the administrator.
Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. You get that, that list running through your head. So that's good. Those are great intentions. I love it. Yay! For your wins! Woo! Awesome. All right. So let's talk about the challenges. What's going on?
[00:05:35] Elisabeth: Yeah. I have a couple and I think I will probably have one I want to dive into deeper than others.
Um, I think. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I really struggle with kind of reactivity and yelling, I think. And then I feel really slumped and guilt about that. Um, and it's something I know and it's something I'm working on and have to work on. But it feels really challenging. I also know other parents have come onto your house and said the same thing.
So, I actually was thinking about my daughter being 9, she's turning 10 in January, and I, I'm, I'm recognizing that it's hard for me to switch to the coaching role, and Lexa, you need to do this right now, or this is what, this is how you deal with this situation. I think my husband's really great at that, and I am realizing in the last several months, I'm struggling.
I think I still want her to be my, my little baby, and she's not. So. I think I'm really, would love some help switching to that coaching role and then including things like You know, for friends, and there's some friends I don't particularly think are the best. I just want to hear how to, um, navigate that.
I think just like kind of in this almost pre teen time, kind of what, what parenting looks like really shifts.
[00:06:53] Hunter: Well, there's a lot there, obviously, but it's interesting because some of the things you said, like, they probably have some common roots, right? You're talking about you're having You're having challenges with yelling and reactivity.
You're having challenges with kind of moving away from kind of like being the one to tell her what to do and sort of more to, to use a, a nice word, but controlling her and moving into coaching. Right? Like, so, and both of those things, like. Our yelling and our reactivity, which I lose so much, and with, and with those controlling things, I know from personal experience how they can be intricately connected to our own sense of like a little bit of fear, stress, our own stuff, right?
Like, because when we're unsure and we're afraid, we want to then. We either get reactive or we're like trying to control everything and make things go the way we want it to go. Does that sound like?
[00:08:01] Elisabeth: That sounds spot on, absolutely.
[00:08:02] Hunter: That sounds like you. Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, that's, so that's cool. So we can talk about either of those and they'll probably be helpful for you.
Um, so she's your only child. And let, let me hear about what it was like for you growing up. What are the kind of patterns and things that were ingrained into your childhood as far as parent child relationship?
[00:08:28] Elisabeth: Yeah, I actually also grew up, I grew up with a single mom and only child, you know, she also struggled with yelling and reactivity.
I've talked about all that before, but I haven't thought about what I'm about to say until this very moment. But I, I do feel like she probably also struggled with switching roles as I got older, changing relationship as I got older. Yeah, I think we're, you know, being, being an only child in the home of a single parent.
Close when I was younger, and then when I found it, you know, I found it hard. She would get upset. She navigated. It was challenging for me. They called, and I think, and I think we all had guilt, and we yelled. And I think, I mean, and again, probably everybody feels the same. But I know it's not great to be on the receiving end of that, and I don't want to do that to my kids, so, um, I absolutely see the patterns happening, and I absolutely want to .
[00:09:37] Hunter: Yeah, yeah, you, you remember kind of being afraid, I bet.
And as you got older and you wanted more responsibility and you wanted to do things out in the world, you're saying that she had trouble kind of moving into that coaching role. Does that mean like she wasn't trusting you in the, and did, is that how you experienced some of that? Like, uh, was it, you know, is she just.
Yeah. Tell me a little bit more about how that felt from your end when you were getting into adolescence and pre adolescence and teen years.
[00:10:14] Elisabeth: You know, I was a really responsible kid and like really kind of like a goody two shoes. I didn't have this kind of wild time where she was trying to rein me in, but I, I do think it felt a little bit like a lack of trust because I was so trustworthy and because I was so responsible and it felt like maybe she was pulling for more closeness.
As we know adolescents are pulling from our individuation. Hmm. And so I think there's a lot of like, mistreated generation. We may make any kind of guilt about that, like I, you know, trying to I'm not trying to, but I think meaning I'm consciously communicating that I should feel guilty about not interacting with people.
[00:11:01] Hunter: She was communicating that to you, that like, yeah, yeah, you should feel guilty. Okay. Right. I just,
[00:11:07] Elisabeth: right. And I think, again, that's what she learned. Like that's kind of about making someone feel guilty. So they'll find you what, what it is you're asking them to do. So from what I did experience, so that's frustrating because I felt like, well, I am really trustworthy.
And I think. Born and still pretty sweet to you, even though I am an adolescent, in a dear way.
[00:11:28] Hunter: Alright, cool. And how are things with mom now?
[00:11:34] Elisabeth: Uh, not great. Not great. I think there's a lot of layers. It won't get into here, but there's a lot of layers. It's challenging. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:11:49] Hunter: Those patterns, right? Like we can see that all of those things, like, you know, anything that any of the strategies that are the past generation did to parent us, we know that they were doing what they could do in the time, right?
We know that, right? And we also know that a lot of their strategies stem from their own strategies for survival in their own childhood. You know, like we know that. And then so on and so on down the line. And it doesn't take us long to get in everybody's history to a time where like we were lived in a very brutal world and for all of us, right?
Like, you know, my father was hit with the belt, you know? So it's like not, it doesn't, it doesn't take long. So we can see, we can have understanding in that way. And, and yeah, still kind of say, okay, that, you know. That wasn't great and I'm going to change it too.
Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
Okay. So let's, what do you, what, let's kind of like imagine the future. Okay. So, um, I invite you to just take a moment, like close your eyes, take a breath in, take a breath out, and just like, we're going to go on a little, you know, journey into the future. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. We've got music. We're going to go on a journey into the future.
Like, a year from now. And I want you to notice that you're no longer struggling the way you have been. Your relationship with your daughter is different, it's changed. I want you to kind of tell me what this sort of future vision of what, what is this North Star that you're aiming for? What would you like to, how would you like to feel in your relationship with your daughter?
[00:13:53] Elisabeth: Oh, I'm trying to explain myself. They're really emotional.
Um, my favorite, yeah, I think that North Star is feeling very grounded and not relaxed. And, um, it having been a long time since I yelled that right on one island. Fearing free to and eager to drop the to do list to go spend time with her when she's not listening for it, if she still has to listen for it in one year.
But, and I think feeling close and connected and really having a relationship where it's open that she can come to me with whatever and I'll let her listen and want to hear what her thoughts and ideas are and not jump in with my thoughts and ideas or the rules or whatever my limit might be. Um, it just that she feels really welcome and maybe even eager to, to share with me kind of what's happening for her and her and her world.
[00:15:02] Hunter: All right. Well, listen, um. Your North Star is beautiful. I love that. Close, connected, feeling free and eager to drop the to do list, feeling grounded and not reactive. You're going to listen and not jump in with the rules and things like that. How, how, what's the gap like right now? Like let's give us an idea of, of where we're going.
But I love this idea and I think that you can get there for sure.
[00:15:37] Elisabeth: Yeah, I think the gap, where is the gap? I think the gap is that I'm not, I'm probably not the most grounded. Um, in the moments when I'm feeling reactive or in the moments when she's really, um, pushing some buttons or requesting more of me than I feel like I have to give, uh, or requesting something of me that I don't feel like I have.
Um, you know, yelling, well, has really decreased, I would say. Then maybe several years ago is still, um, a challenge and a problem. Um, so I think that's a huge piece and I, it's funny, I actually think I spent a lot of time with my daughter and I think she does. Share things with me. So I feel like we are close.
Um, but sometimes I think I listen to instruct and not listen to just get to know this little person. Right? I think there's probably some familiarity that feels like I can breeze over something because I know who my, my daughter is, but the truth is like, she's growing and changing every day. Just like there.
So, so I, I don't know all of her and. Yeah. I need to be open to listening to hear more of who she is right now as a nine year old who's almost a ten year old. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think that, yeah, that is a, is a large piece of it.
[00:17:06] Hunter: And I'm so glad we're talking now because this is such a crucial time, right?
Like nine into ten, like, cause this is when they're going to be differentiating, pushing away. And you really do want to make the most of those moments when they are. There. So, I think that, you know, you've reduced your yelling a lot. You have a lot of self awareness. You, you've been doing a lot of work. I think what I'm kind of guessing for you is that there's kind of an self awareness.
Yeah. Like, if we can work on your overall feeling of groundedness, some of these higher intentions are going to fall right into place because they're already there for you as an intention. And kind of what I'm hearing is that, like, life in general has a little, is a little too much. There's, uh, there's kind of a lot going on in your life.
Maybe those habits. for steadiness aren't quite there yet. Um, is the, does this sound at all accurate?
[00:18:13] Elisabeth: Yeah, I think that's true.
[00:18:18] Hunter: What are you doing now to stay grounded?
[00:18:21] Elisabeth: I mean, I think, you know, I was listening to a parenting expert recently and she was talking about. Um, just really taking some time to take care of yourself and fill your cup up so that you can care for your people, which makes sense and I get, and I, and I actually do feel like I do that.
There's, you know, a couple of weekends ago I went somewhere with some friends and was gone all day. I think every once in a while I'll go to a coffee shop and just read and have a cup of coffee alone. So I think I do. take time to do things that are separate from my family that are filling for me. Like, that doesn't feel like an issue.
I do try to put that in the schedule sometimes. But I think on the day to day, um, I feel really stretched then. I'm often running from a meeting at work to go pick up my daughter from school, um, knowing that I'm not really quite done with my workday. I got to get some stuff done later in the evening because I had to leave early.
Um, and then I feel like, yeah, there's a huge work to do list, and then I get home and look around and think, wow, there's a huge home to do list. And those are kind of the, those are the lists that are in the back of my mind when my daughter might say, hey, can you play with me? Or hey, can we, Go somewhere after school.
And so I feel really stretched thin and overwhelmed. And I think I really struggle to get enough sleep. I am a night owl and often at night I'm trying to catch up on those lists. So after she goes to bed, I'm really awake and I'm trying to get stuff done. And I go to bed way too late. And once I'm in bed, I'm asleep and I sleep well, but I think getting the right amount of sleep is.
Really a struggle for me, even though I know, you know what I should do. It's really hard to actually do. So I think in the day, all that to say in the day to day. When I'm not taking those times away from myself, I, I don't feel grounded. I probably feel like,
[00:20:23] Hunter: you know, you're like running through your day, like, yeah, like a hamster.
[00:20:30] Elisabeth: Yeah. I mean, like so many people, right? I don't think.
[00:20:31] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're not alone. I'm just saying that's what I'm, that's the picture I'm getting anyway. That's it. Um, okay. So yeah, I think if you probably like, I think there's a lot of like room for growth here, which is really good. Um, so in the day to day being stretched thin, I think this is now we're really honing in on where you have some places that you could improve because, um, you know, this and, and the things I can think of that I think about are the sort of three places, so the sleep is kind of a whole separate issue, but the three places that And help with this are basically simplifying, delegating, and getting help.
Um, and I'm wondering, you said in the beginning, like, you're the administrator in your house. And I was wondering how even, how fair does the distribution of all the stuff in your house feel to you right now?
[00:21:30] Elisabeth: It feels not even, pretty uneven. Unfair?
[00:21:40] Hunter: Yeah. Okay. Um, well there's a great area that you could probably get some, some space in.
Now why, why is it un, why is it, has it shaken out this way? Kind of like is, is. I want to kind of suss out, I guess, is like, this part of this, you, like, do you have trouble, um, asking for help? I mean, it's not even asking for help. It's just like requesting what is fair because you are not the, your, your partner should not be helping you.
Your partner should be taking up their fair share, right? So is it, are you having trouble having that conversation? How, tell me about kind of like how the chips have fallen this way.
[00:22:28] Elisabeth: Yeah, I think I've been thinking about this a lot lately, actually, Hunter. I think it's because I have worked part time since my daughter was born, and my job is four days a week plus.
[00:22:44] Elisabeth: Yeah, I mean, I'm trying to have less than that, but yeah, kind of, I guess, technically. And for a while I was, you know, home, I actually was home and I was not, I was still doing some kind of side work, but not really, not, not, sorry, let me back up. I have always had a more flexible, like more flexible jobs.
Sure, yes. the desire to like be around for school events and things like that. Um, and so I think we've just fallen into a pattern where that's the assumption, maybe? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the default, you know, parent and all this. And so I was thinking about it recently because I was thinking, what, how would I?
How do I want to approach this subject with my husband? Um, we are very different people, and we think very differently, and so I always try to be, not always, for sure, not always, but for something like this where it's like a topic I want to bring up, I really try to be intentional about what would be effective in my communication with him around this.
Um, and I'm not, I don't know yet, but I, I, I was thinking, why is it like this? And I think it's because I, I've been home some of the time, I've had a part time job, my job is more flexible. And so it's kind of shaken out that way. I'm not someone who can ask for help, but I guess there's, I guess there's a part of me that feels like, well, is this supposed to work?
And then, and then, I, I don't know, I, I don't.
[00:24:22] Hunter: That's what I've been thinking about. If you were married to a woman, would you feel like it was all supposed to be your job?
[00:24:28] Elisabeth: Oh, good question. Probably not. Probably not. That's a great question, Hunter.
[00:24:36] Hunter: Yeah. It can be helpful to think about it in a different, you know, and, and, and same sex.
Couples, like, tend to be a lot more egalitarian, so it can be helpful to think about that. Okay, I have a great tool for you that's gonna, that can help you to have this conversation um, with your partner, and it sounds like this is a great place to make space, and this is a tool from the plum village tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh, and it's called, uh, Beginning Anew.
And what you're going to do, basically, it has three parts. It can be a conversation, it could be a letter. It's just a way of framing your thoughts. And so in the first part, you're going to share what you appreciate about him. You're going to, it's, they call it watering his seeds, watering his flowers.
Sorry, not his seeds, watering his flowers. You're going to share what you appreciate about him. Um, okay. So that's pretty straightforward. Then you're going to share your own regrets, which you will have because you are a human. Okay. Yeah. So, basically this opens him up to really hearing you from the heart because you're saying, I see all those good things you do, I am not perfect myself.
And then in the third part, you're going to share your hurts and difficulties. And you want to do it in a non exaggerated, not reproachful manner, just non, non blaming, non judgmental. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you might just say, like, I've been feeling over, really overwhelmed. I've noticed this. You can even say, I did this coaching call with Hunter Clark Fields and boy, we discovered this, that things are feeling really unfair as far as the administrative work and the amount of how, you know, all the work that has to do with running a home and raising a child.
Mm hmm. And I'd like to redistribute it. Yeah. And it might be helpful, like, to do a thing that we do sometimes with Kids and Chores, which is you, like, write down a giant list of all the jobs, and we say, what do you want? Well, what do I want to take? What do you want to take? Let's redistribute this. I mean, it's really nice to have, like, my husband takes a lot of the, like, um, you know, take a kid to doctor's appointments.
And it's so nice not to be the one to take a kid to a doctor's appointment sometimes, you know, like, I mean, it depends on, you know, what's happening in your family, but anyway, a lot of that administrative stuff, I really want you to include in that because that's taking up a lot of your brain space.
[00:27:12] Elisabeth: Absolutely. It is. Yeah. Thank you for that structure. Because as I said, I was thinking, how do I do this in a way that feels positive and not threatening? And so that feels like a nice. Way to go about it.
[00:27:24] Hunter: Okay, cool. And how about the other two kind of places, simplifying and getting help? Do you see any room for making some space in either of those arenas?
[00:27:37] Elisabeth: Well, I think the getting help piece might, I mean, might come from this conversation, right? If there's someone that he's like, I don't, I don't want to do that or don't feel like I have the bandwidth to do that. And I'm like, well, neither do I, then maybe an outcome would be getting some help. I think for simplifying, yes.
You know, I think I certainly could simplify. I mean, I'm even thinking of like physically there's stuff in our house and toys and all the things. Mm-Hmm. clothes, all the things I should simplify so that there's less of it layers, there's less to do. Right. Less detriments to do. And I know that in my head, and so that just feels like a huge task that I don't have time to do.
Yeah. Like I got it. Like, yeah. Yeah. I do need to declutter these things and simplify that. My life is so, I mean. You know, that's a mindset shift that I can try to make or try to break it down in smaller steps. Um, I don't know. Yeah, I feel a little stuck there. I think I, you know, How about your schedule?
Yeah, redistributing might be helpful. Okay.
[00:28:39] Hunter: Redistributing is really, yeah, okay. And simplifying can also mean your schedule too. Um, and so maybe there's space for that. And that, the whole idea is like we, you now know what your North Star is. What you want, right? And we're kind of identifying the problem, right?
You have great perspective. You know what you want. The problem is like, you're not getting enough sleep and you're doing too much. You know, I think that you would be able to. You have reduced your yelling a lot. You'd probably, you know, you could go and listen to those other culinary coaching episodes and reduce it even more, but you're not going to be able to do any of that if you don't have the mental bandwidth to be able to do that.
Like, your brain just only has so much, you have so much body budget, right, that you have.
Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
How about sleep, Elizabeth? What about, how can you, how can you get a little more sleep? How can you? Get these evenings, evenings under control. So you're going to, you're working after she goes to bed. I have so much trouble understanding this because I'm like, God, I don't even want to look at email. I don't want to look at anything.
I, I mean, I know there's a whole bunch of people out there who work at night and I'm just like, no, but tell me about it. That's the million dollar question, Hunter.
[00:30:08] Elisabeth: I've been really thinking about that for the last, a long time, but I think really changing. Okay, what do I need? Should I do a sticker tag?
Like, what do I need to help me feel motivated to just It's time for bed. I gotta go to bed.
[00:30:23] Hunter: What would you want? What is your ideal cutoff time for work? Well, and
[00:30:29] Elisabeth: so to be fair, it's not, it's not just work. I don't want to sound like it's just work. Sometimes it's like checking my own personal email because I'm not doing that during the day, or sometimes it's, I don't know, trying to get some stuff off my list, my to do list.
I mean, and sometimes it's literally, I'm thinking, what am I, I'm gonna go to bed. What am I even doing? There's nothing productive or Hopeful Happening, um, so yeah, I think ideally I would cut off like all the things and be ready to get in bed by like maybe 10, 10, 15?
[00:31:02] Hunter: Okay. That sounds really healthy. I really like that.
I'm kind of hearing like there's like a real need to be productive. Because it's not just work. It's a lot of other stuff that's happening.
[00:31:15] Elisabeth: I think that's true.
[00:31:18] Hunter: Um, who are you if you don't get all the stuff done or if you don't get everything done that you wanted to get done?
[00:31:25] Elisabeth: You know, it's interesting you ask that because I feel like I often don't get all the things done.
So it doesn't feel like that's a rare thing. I feel like I'm, I always feel very behind and very like I'm missing the mark in all the different ways. So I think it's more about who I am that I don't do all those things and I'm just always missing the mark.
[00:31:51] Hunter: Are you going to ever get enough done to not feel that way?
[00:31:57] Elisabeth: I think in my heart, I want there to be a place where I could say that. I think realistically, probably not, but I think in my heart. I think one of these days I can get it together and not feel behind, not feel
[00:32:12] Hunter: overwhelmed. To me, I mean, I see you and you're working for your Doing this work for your job, you're doing all this work for your family, you just read a whole parenting book, you're doing a lot of stuff, you're, you're doing enough.
Yeah. But I'm not hearing that you're feeling enough. And I think that's a very common thing, that we don't feel enough. It's very normal feeling. Um, like for a lot of us to be able to relax and to be able to have ease and to be able to then just relax enough even to like listen and be present for our kids, it's really hard.
It's really hard. You know, I talk about this stuff like it's nothing. It's not. It's really, really hard to do, especially if you have been trained. You have had a, maybe a family who didn't feel enough, you had a single mom, man, she was stretched real thin. She wanted you to get all the stuff done too, and to do and achieve so that she could feel good about who she was, probably.
And so you probably inherited this feeling of like, I've got to get all the things done and do it all right and do it all perfectly, and if I don't get all these things done, I'm not enough. Right? I'm measured by these things I do, and that's B. F. That's just wrong thinking, and unfortunately it's just natural, and we just, we've inherited it.
It's not anyone's fault that we think or feel that way. So this, uh, this, uh, it's something that's. You know, this is something that's sort of like, I kind of think of it as like a, a big piece of your heart that we're uncovering here, sort of at the end of our call towards, but um, this is something that you can grow and cultivate in yourself because, so there's a metaphor that I like, like when you have an orange, when you squeeze an orange, what comes out?
Orange juice. Yeah, not pineapple juice, no kiwi juice, no pomegranate, right? Because what's inside is what comes out and when we're squeezed, what is inside is what comes out. So I want you, my, so the first big assignment obviously is talk to honey and bunny and have a beginning a new conversation about delegating.
The second big assignment is with you and your own heart and your mind and the habits of thinking and being. And I, so there's a A practice that I've done for many years that is really, really corny, but it's really transformative. And it's to look in the mirror in the morning and say to yourself, I love and accept myself exactly as I am five times.
And if you can't do that, if you're looking at me like I'm crazy, man, you just say, may I put may I in front of it? May I love and accept myself? Exactly as I am. Five times. Looking at yourself in the mirror. Very corny, I know.
[00:35:30] Elisabeth: No, I just, I read it in your book, right? Oh, good. Your latest one, and I thought, I don't need that.
I was like, oh, I don't need that. I feel pretty, I mean. I feel pretty good about it. But clearly, through our conversation, that might actually be the chapter I need the most.
[00:35:52] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah, to just kind of, and then I would also then challenge you to give yourself one, like a one week night every week where you just don't do anything, but maybe hang out with your partner, watch TV, go for a walk.
You literally don't do any productive things. Like I, I challenge you to just take one Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Thursday night, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday night a week and do the uncomfortable thing of relaxing and resting and, uh, and yeah, reward yourself. If you can do it like for a month in a row, you know, I don't know, give yourself something like buy yourself flowers or something like that.
Yeah,
[00:36:41] Elisabeth: I love that. That feels something hard but important to do and will be hopefully kind of nice to not feel like I need to do that.
[00:36:54] Hunter: A really concrete non action. Right. Wow. We're just flying through the things here, Elizabeth. My goodness. Okay. So we wanted, we're talking about your nine year old and her, you know, you want to be there.
You want to feel close and connected and all that. We talked about the day to day feeling really stretched thin. Really looking at that as a problem in the sleep as that's, um, that's, um, it's so important. Also connected to Alzheimer's too. Very important. Your brain needs a defragment. So many, so many important reasons to sleep, but anyway, we talked about that.
We talked about the conversation of beginning anew and then wanting to feel productive and then may I love and accept myself exactly as I am. Um, so Elizabeth, what is your biggest takeaway from talking today? We covered a lot!
[00:37:58] Elisabeth: Hunter, this has been so helpful. Um, yeah, if I had to drill down to one, let's see, let's see.
Can I just do two? You can do two. I think the beginning of the conversation I want to have, um, soon with my husband and hopefully that'll lead to just some simplifying. And then I think, yeah, having a weeknight where I just don't, I just plan, I'm not really gonna do anything and then I'm gonna go to bed early.
It feels really, um, I'm sure it'll be hard, but it feels like a nice. That just feels nice that that will hopefully be integrated into my, into my life.
[00:38:36] Hunter: Good. Good. I like that. And remember, and like, when you're doing it, you're modeling for her, for your daughter, right? Like that we are enough to rest. Right.
We, we don't always have to be busy to be enough and to be worthy of love and connection and belonging. We can rest. We can enjoy life, we can put down the list for a moment, you know, for times and still be worthy of all those things. Yes.
[00:39:07] Elisabeth: Yep. And that is what I want to model for her and I want her to know and grow up knowing.
So I think that's really important.
[00:39:13] Hunter: Beautiful. I love it. Well, thank you so much. It's been a pleasure to talk to you, and I really appreciate you sharing.
[00:39:21] Elisabeth: Yeah. Andrea, thank you so much. Thanks for your words of wisdom and just, yeah, really helping me kind of dig deeper into some of these issues. I really appreciate it.
You're welcome.
[00:39:40] Hunter: Hey, I hope you liked this episode. I love doing these on our coaching. sessions. If you want to do one with me, you can. That would be great. Um, there's an application on MindfulMamaMentor. com. You should make sure you just fill it out and sign up and, and maybe we can chat. Um, that would be lovely. And hey, if you liked the episode, I would love for you to just support it.
I love when you let me know, but maybe it's easier for you to just let one friend know. Do this. Tell one friend about the show today. This is like the best way we've grown. We grow from you sharing it with your friends and, you know, you get out of it, they get out of it. It's, it's wonderful, right? It's like a circle of Um, of growth and, and all of that.
So tell one friend about the show today. And thank you. Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm glad we're starting this year together. Um, I appreciate you listening here all the way to the end. So, listen, rock on with you, take these good seeds, water some good seeds in yourself, take some time for yourself, have some conversations with your partner maybe, and let me know how it goes.
I'd love to know. So, I'm wishing you a great week. And I will talk to you again really soon. Namaste.
I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate better and just, I'd say communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a
[00:41:16] Elisabeth: spouse. It's been
[00:41:17] Hunter: really a positive influence in our lives. So definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it.
It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much
[00:41:28] Elisabeth: benefit from being
[00:41:30] Hunter: a better parent to your children. Connecting more with them and not feeling like you're yelling all the time, or you're like, why isn't this working? I would say definitely do it. It's so, so worth it. It'll change you.
No matter what
[00:41:45] Elisabeth: age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's a great investment in someone's family. I'm very thankful I have this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working, or you can learn some new tools and gain some perspective. Perspective to shift everything in your parenting.
[00:42:09] Hunter: Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies, but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with too much to learn? Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clark Fields, and if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting Membership. You'll be joining Hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class.
This is an opportunity to really discover your unique, lasting relationship, not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting, connected relationships, not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. Go to mindfulparenting. org. MindfulParentingCourse.
com to add your name to the waitlist so you will be the first to be notified when I open the membership for enrollment. I look forward to seeing you on the inside. MindfulParentingCourse. com.
Support the Podcast
- Leave a review on Apple Podcasts: your kind feedback tells Apple Podcasts that this is a show worth sharing.
- Share an episode on social media: be sure to tag me so I can share it (@mindfulmamamentor).
- Join the Membership: Support the show while learning mindful parenting and enjoying live monthly group coaching and ongoing community discussion and support.
