Q&A Episode #1: Should I Help on the Playground?
Gwen
In this Q&A episode of the Mindful Parenting podcast, Hunter Clarke-Fields discusses how to balance support and independence during children’s playtime. She highlights the importance of free, outdoor, and risky play for building confidence, emotional regulation, and mental health, while offering practical tips for encouraging independence without hovering. Hunter advocates for a balanced approach—allowing kids to explore while being attuned to their needs for safety, guidance, and connection.
Q&A #1: Should I Help on the Playground?
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
Hunter: You are listening to the Mindful Parenting Podcast Q&A Episode #1. Today's question is, should I help on the playground?
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting Podcast. Here, it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Parenting, we know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarke-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course and teacher training, and I'm the author of the international bestseller “Raising Good Humans Every Day”, and the “Raising Good Humans Guided Journal”.
Hello and welcome back to the Mindful Parenting Podcast. So glad you're here and welcome to the first Q&A episode. Yay, I'm so happy. This is going to be an awesome episode. We're going to talk about what to do on the playground with a five year old, and how to balance support and independence. I know you're going to love it.
Let's just dive right in:
Gwen: Hi, my name is Gwen, and my question is about being an auntie to my five year old niece who I live with. And specifically, it's about the balance between independence and support on the playground. So I had come across a theory on Instagram, which at first seemed interesting to me about this one woman who she does not help her children on the playground to play.
What she means by that, or what I've seen is that she doesn't hold their bum when they go up the ladder, she doesn't hold their hand through the different play stations, she doesn't pick them up so they can go on the monkey bars, she steps back and says, you can do it, or maybe you can't, but that's fine, you can do it when you're bigger, older, whatever.
And I'm wondering, eh, what's the balance between encouraging their independence and helping them learn healthy limits and what they can and can't do, but also supporting them and letting them know that you are always there to help them and they, you can always, they can always rely on you when they want help and when they ask for help, that you will respond. Yeah. Thank you.
Hunter: Hi, Gwen. Thanks so much for your question. We're really talking about the balance between support and independence. And before we talk about the playground, let's just talk a little bit about free play. Free play time has been in decline for kids because of our fear for kids safety, screens, and a focus on academic learning in general. It's pretty rare to find kids rolling down hills, climbing trees, and spinning in circles just for fun. I know, that's so sad, right? Recess times have been shortened due to increasing educational demands, and children are rarely playing outside because of liability issues and our hectic schedules.
I know that when I wanted my kids to play outside, even 10 years ago, it was hard to find other kids who were just hanging out playing outside. These days, it's hard to find groups of kids outside at all, and if you do, you're likely to find them wearing team uniforms. And while adult structured activities, they have a place, they're really been especially beneficial for older kids and adolescents, little kids benefit hugely from creating their own rules. There's things like pick up sports and made up games. Those kind of things teach kids vital life lessons, right? To keep the game going, you have to keep everyone happy. They learn how to settle conflict, and that having fun actually is a more important than winning.
And I'm talking a lot about free play here before I answer your question because as free play has decreased, and this is in the research: children's mental, physical, and emotional health problems have risen. Anxiety, depression, obesity, diagnosis of ADHD in kids are on the rise, right? And researchers have argued that the decline of free play, particularly. Outdoor free play involving some risk is a major cause of high rates of depression and anxiety in middle and high school students. So free play really benefits kids physical and mental health. It helps kids learn to resolve conflicts, they challenge themselves physically, they gain confidence, and they learn to self regulate their emotions and playing outside in nature and risky, adventurous play, particularly beneficial to children's mental health. How does this work? In risky play, kids get a little afraid and they practice keeping their heads while experiencing this fear, right? They learn when they do this, they learn that they can manage their fear overcome it and come out alive.
I remember talking to my girls while they were up in a tree and saying, okay, how do you feel? How does it, how's it feel up there? We want our kids to be able to take risks and have the self awareness to see if they have the strength and skill and confidence for this. So through this play, they learn that they can manage their fear, they can overcome it, they can come out alive. That's great. And in rough and tumble play, they might get angry as one player might accidentally hurt another, but to continue playing and to continue having fun, they must learn to overcome that anger, right? So if they lash out, the play is over. And this is called the Emotion Regulation Theory of Play, right?
So the idea is that they need some practice. They need some practice getting angry, being with other kids, making some mistakes, and figuring it out, right? This all happens through experience, not just from somebody telling us how to do it, right? Okay, while you're on the playground, this isn't totally free play, right? Because you're there. But, especially if there are other kids around, maybe you can start to be as inconspicuous as possible. Maybe you can sit and read a book or relax and meditate by just focusing on your slow breaths while with your eyes open. You can start maybe to back off. And in “Raising Good Humans Every Day”, my latest book, I write about some ways to support free play in your family.
So here's some things you can do in the family life: you can limit screen time, right? We know it's immersive, it's addictive. You use it very sparingly. You can cut back on extracurricular activities and organize sports for little kids. Stick to one kiddie class or sport for per season. If your child complains that they are bored, remember, it's not your job to be their entertainer. You can say to them on repeat- and I got this from Kim John Payne from Simplicity Parenting, great book- Say on repeat, “There's something to do right around the corner”, until you are so boring that they find something else to do. You can get your kid outside for three hours a day. This is amazing for kids.
If you can get them to natural environments, they can challenge- calm the senses. So good for them. And if your kid's climbing high, instead of saying, “Get down!”, say, “How does that feel to be up so high? Does that feel safe? Is there something to hold on to?” Or you can say, “What's your exit strategy?” And if you feel nervous, you can spot your kid. Sometimes with my kids, when they were climbing too high, I would say, “Hey, I know you may feel good up there, but I feel really anxious and nervous. I need you to come down, to whatever branch, because it is too much for me. I'm feeling my shoulders are tense. I'm feeling anxious, worried, and nervous”, and that would help and work, right?
So you can also support free play in the community. You can choose and advocate for play based kindergartens. You can support legislation that allows kids to walk to the playground, etc. on their own and advocate for crosswalks and other pedestrian friendly measures. There was actually a mom who was arrested for allowing her ten year old to walk somewhere by themself. This is crazy. So we need to change this and support legislation that allows kids some freedom to walk around their world. I really love the Let Grow movement and you can encourage your school to adopt a Let Grow program and that's at letgrow.org. And here's one for the playground.
You can get together with other families at the park and let the kids play while you talk to the adults and don't hover. So this brings us back to your question, Gwen. To promote more independence, confidence, and self awareness in your kiddo, I think it's a good idea to back off a bit. Don't hover. Don't help them with everything. When my daughters asked me for a boost to get on a tree branch, I always said that if you can't get up yourself, it's not for you yet when you're bigger. This is both for their confidence and their safety. I only want them doing things that they are both physically and mentally ready for. That said, I wasn't a hard ass about this rule, and there was, I broke it at least once, and I said, okay, just for a special treat, I will boost you up this time after having held the boundary for many times, right?
There's a middle path. You can absolutely spot your kid, right? Meaning you hang out with arms and hands if they want to try something risky. Yeah, and you can sometimes, as a treat, help them do something, right? Just in general, letting them be independent. Or you can hold that boundary around not helping playfully, right? You can hold the boundary playfully. Maybe you can pretend to give them a magic bean that makes them grow super big and strong and so magically they're strong enough to do it. Just which is like kind of magical wish fulfillment, which is something we can do sometimes, right? I encourage you to not hover too much. We want to promote independence and give kids a chance to explore, but there are definitely places to intervene, and we know that children benefit from having parents and caregivers who are connected and they want to feel supported, right? So here are the places to intervene on the playground. Injury prevention, right? If a child's about to fall or clearly struggling on the equipment, offer a hand or boost to help them to safety. Some conflict resolution, if there's like a bully or if you see kids like arguing and pushing each other, you may want to calmly intervene to de escalate the situation and encourage them to share or take turns.
And then inclusion is the other place. If a child seems alone or is being left out of play, try to gently include them in the game or activity. So yes, we want to promote independence and we also want our kids to know that we're there for them, right? Kids benefit from having caregivers who are closely connected to them and involved in their lives. So there's a solid foundation of research. that this is true not only in early childhood, but through adolescence and beyond. You do want your kid to know you're there for them. So my answer here, ultimately, Gwen, is the middle path of being attuned to your kid that you have in front of you, right? Don't go to extremes either in the name of safety or in the name of independence, but instead tune into what's right for you. If you notice that you're a bit of a hoverer, you tend to worry, that may be some things that you need to address and heal in yourself and to be mindful of, to be aware of, and you may want to encourage yourself to back off a bit, right? On the other hand, there may be people who are a little harsh and mean and underparent their kids, right? Are just a little too, maybe too many boundaries. And then you may want to up your warmth and attunement to your child. I say, listen to the child that's there in front of you and maybe encourage them. to do things on their own, remembering that if they can get up the tree, then they're much more likely to get down from the tree. If they can get up the playground equipment, it's for their safety to know how to do that so that they can get down again. You don't want to have to climb up and have to get them down, right? So walk the middle path and encourage some free, independent play in your child.
Hunter: I hope you enjoyed this Q&A episode. Do you agree with my answer? If so, or if not, let me know. On Facebook and Instagram, I'm at MindfulMamaMentor.com And you can leave me a voicemail with your mindful parenting question, and I'll answer your message here on the podcast. This is how it works. We have a voicemail box where you can record your parenting or mindfulness question.
If your question is picked, I'll download the recording and answer you on the air, just like this one. And yes, you can use a fake name if you want. So if you have a current parenting challenge or frustrated with some behavior or have some questions about mindfulness as a parent, go to MindfulMamaMentor.com/VM to leave your question. That's MindfulMamaMentor.com/VM. Thanks for listening.
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