Relisten: How Do You Share Your Calm?- On Air Coaching Call (419)
Brittany
Brittany is a mama who wants to respond with empathy and stay attuned to her 3-year-old son, but how do you do that in overstimulating or triggering moments? She’s heard the advice to “share your calm,” but HOW?
In this relisten, Hunter coaches Brittany through the things that it actually takes to regulate our feelings in the face of a fiery toddler.
Relisten: How Do You Share Your Calm?- On Air Coaching Call (419)
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Hunter: Hey there, it's Hunter, and welcome to Throwback Thursday. Most Thursdays, we are going to re-release one of my favorite episodes from the archives, so unless you're a longtime listener of the show, there's a good chance you haven't heard this one yet. And even if you had, chances are that you are going to get something new listening to it this time around.
[00:00:17] Brittany: I guess I would be sometimes what you would call an explosive parent. I'm usually a very calm, very gentle person, and then just when I hit that limit, I explode.
[00:00:34] Hunter: You're listening to the Mindful Parenting Podcast, episode number 419. Today is a special on-air coaching session with Brittany talking about how do you share your calm.
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting Podcast. Here, it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. In Mindful Parenting, we know that you cannot give what you do not have. And when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarke-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course and teacher training. And I'm the author of the international bestseller, “Raising Good Humans Every Day”, and the “Raising Good Humans Guided Journal”.
[00:02:00] Hunter: Welcome back to the Mindful Mama podcast. So glad you are here. Listen, if you haven't done so yet, please hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode if you haven't done so yet.
Or please go over to Apple Podcasts. You can do it right from your phone, like where you're probably listening to this right now. You just go to leave a review and you can leave us a rating and review, especially if you love the podcast and it just helps the podcast grow and takes about 30 seconds. I greatly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
And this is a very special episode. We have been noticing that the honor coaching sessions are getting a lot of downloads. So we wanted to do some more. And so today we have Brittany. A mama who wants to respond with empathy and stay attuned to her three-year-old son. How do you do that in like those overstimulating triggering moments, right?
It's all about that. And so she's heard the advice to share your calm, but how so in this episode, you're gonna hear me coach Brittany through the things that it actually takes to regulate our feelings in the face of a fiery. Toddler. This is the kind of thing I do every week, all the time with mindful parenting members in the mindful parenting membership.
So if you want to know more about mindful parenting, if this appeals to you, go to mindfulparentingcourse.com and sign up. or the waiting list. We'll send you some info about it. Okay, so let's dive in. Join me at the table as I coach Brittany in this special on air coaching session.
Brittany, thank you so much for coming on the Mindful Mama podcast. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you. All right, so this is an on air coaching call and I'm so excited to talk to you about you and your toddler boy, Walter Haynes. Cute, little cut her name. And before we go into some of the challenges that you're having, maybe you could share with us what are some wins that you've had?
[00:04:11] Brittany: I think one of the biggest wins probably since beginning this whole adventure of motherhood has been Learning to be more flexible and go with the flow because I've always been a very scheduled like routine oriented person I always have everything like planned out and need to know what's coming next and with my son with AJ like I ever since he was born It's just been very much a go with the flow of the day.
Like I was very So when he was born was right before COVID hit actually, which for I know a lot of people was really hard for me, it was almost, it was helpful to have that forced isolation at the time because I was just starting new motherhood and so it gave me that kind of that fourth trimester time to just focus on him and me and the Bondi and just okay, now we're nursing and now we're just napping and just like following the natural rhythm of how things went with him without feeling forced into any particular routine that I needed to keep up with.
And so I think that kind of helped kick start that sort of change in my mindset. And then before he turned one was when I came across the good Summit in the fall, which is how I learned about you too. And so then I came across all these other resources supporting that and so just One thing led to another and it trickled and snowballed But definitely just learning to take each day as it comes we keep a fairly flexible open schedule overall We'll go visit friends regularly sometimes, but we have a lot of days just at home With each other playing outside if he's having a harder day emotionally, it's like it's pretty easy to just say, okay We'll just have a chill day today and focus on the support you need So I think that's been just probably one of my biggest wins is learning to be flexible with routine
[00:05:59] Hunter: Yeah, it's really hard to Slow down.
In fact for a lot of us we hear the advice that, we should slow down and really rest for at least the first month after birth. Yeah. And then after that, and for a lot of us, we're so like go, that, that can be really hard. So it sounds like the, I can imagine that, the whole world is slowing down with COVID.
So you're like, okay, here we go. And you could just focus your energy on this new baby. That sounds pretty cool in some ways. Yeah. That's cool. Okay, good. And you're being more flexible. You were a lot more routine. And that's really nice. So it sounds like you're able to stay home. Yeah. With AJ and and you're enjoying that? That feels good to you?
[00:06:44] Brittany: I am, yes. That's what I had always wanted to do. I always, when I was younger, I always wanted to be a mom and my mom was a stay at home mom and that was like my I really loved that idea of being a stay at home mom myself and focusing on my kiddos. or kiddo.
And I became a teacher for a while and that kind of took the love of children outside of school hours out of my heart for a while because I just got very burnt out. I loved my student, but because of teaching for a long time, I was like, I don't know if I want kids, because I was just so stressed and so burnt out from that.
And I lost that dream for a little while, but then we were surprised when AJ came along and it ended up being a really good surprise that kind of brought that dream back for me and caused us to, brought about a move. We were living overseas at the time, so we moved here, and so I was able to stay home with him.
And I do love it. I've just recently started up my own small business, which is taking a bit of my time with going to markets, selling my products locally, that sort of thing. But I'm still mostly like home with him. It's been the first time we've had like a babysitter watching him at least like a couple of times a week.
And so that's been a bit of an adjustment for us, but I still am home with him the majority. So I do love it.
[00:07:50] Hunter: Cool, so you've got some space, you've got your time wealth, which is awesome not everybody has that's great to have. Okay, lots of great wins. What are some of the challenges that are arising with three and a half year old AJ?
[00:08:05] Brittany: I'm probably the biggest challenge. I would say it's me my, my own just struggle with emotional space holding. It's something like I feel like in each stage of his life like I've gotten a grasp on it and learned Okay, now I've got a handle on how to hold space for this particular thing and then he moves on to the next one And I'm like, oh man, I just finally got the hang of that.
So just I struggle a lot with anger, like I get really angry or just overstimulated. And so I guess I would be sometimes what you would call an explosive parent. I'm usually a very calm, very gentle person. And then just when I hit that limit, I explode and that's not fair to him. And it's something Progress, and then go back, and then progress, and the tricky one.
[00:08:51] Hunter: I can really relate to you a lot about that. It's funny, because people talk to me, and they're like, oh, you're calm, and I'm like, I'm not really naturally that way. Sometimes I'm like. And yet, I have a really bad temper. I know I got my temper from my father.
Is this something that you experienced growing up was like explosive anger?
[00:09:14] Brittany: I don't think often necessarily explosive. I just know the way we do have very different parenting approaches. And so I think a lot more of my explosions. From what I've learned in all of my reparenting journey thus far, is that a lot of it is probably due to the build up of because I'm responding to AJ in a way that I wasn't necessarily responding to in a lot of these hard moments.
That just builds up because I'm like, I, not consciously, but it's internally your inner child or whatever is I didn't get that. I didn't get that. Hey, where's my turn? And so I think it's more probably the explosions come from doing so much of what wasn't necessarily done to me in these moments.
And so it's really hard to do that time after time because my brain still is like, oh, how dare you do that? Or No, I'm the mom, what I say goes. And so I've still got that like script in the back of my mind going. And so shutting that down time after time, I think eventually it just builds and comes out.
[00:10:13] Hunter: Yeah. You live in this culture, and all that. Like we, we have these ideas of, we, we don't even realize it. We may think we're like very enlightened and we learn a lot of things and we listen to lots of podcasts. But then we have these ideas in our head like, they should be doing this thing when I say this thing and, and, or, they should not be talking, that's disrespectful, right?
Like that, these kind of thoughts in our head that, that just come from our culture and, like you say, like old scripts. that can drive us. And I think of them as like habits, these are like habits and just things that have been ingrained through so many different resources, culture, movies, TV, people around us, everything.
And it sounds like you're practicing for, what I'm hearing is that like you're practicing to, to you want to stay calm, right? You want to be responsive and attuned. Like I'm totally, you're, I'm hearing that. And that takes a lot of effort. It's a new way of being, right?
That is not maybe the, the, what was the habit ingrained in you. And and that effort after a while, like your body runs out of body budget or, energy for that. And you're just like, done. It's calm, and then done. That's what I'm hearing.
Is that right? Yeah.
[00:11:34] Brittany: Usually that, like if it's been a really long, just consistently rough day or week for him. So I've been doing that a lot and it just builds up. I'll have an explosive moment. Or it's like if, like it's a lot easier to stay calm when it's okay, just me focusing on him and we're just having a day together and so I don't have any other things taking up my brain capacity, but it's if I'm trying to make a phone call or if I've got to work at the air, I'm trying to get all these other things done at the same time as trying to manage and take care of things for him.
I think those are the other moments when there's just too many things coming in at me at once.
[00:12:16] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Parenting podcast right after this break.
[00:12:40] Hunter: And sounds like you're really identifying a pattern and things like that, and you want to hold space for these extra big feelings.
Yeah. But I'm also hearing some really practical things here I'm wondering, Brittany, how much are you, is it just you and AJ for hours and hours on end? What kind of other support and what kind of breaks do you have from being mom?
[00:13:05] Brittany: That's one that we've been trying to figure out because With both me and my husband, basically since we've got married, it's just been a constant strain of just like thing after thing and just like non stop.
So even finding time for ourselves pre AJ was sometimes hard. And so then throw a little one in the mix. And so it's made it even harder for us to find whether time for each other or just time for ourselves. And Because often for me to get me time means for Dan, my husband, to watch AJ for a bit.
But then he doesn't get much of his own time either. And so we've both been trying to navigate that since starting having a babysitter with my market staff. So that's been just the last two months now, basically, though. It was paused because I had to have ankle surgery a few weeks ago.
So that threw everything off. But, since that started, I've been able to get a little more time because just me going out on my own to do these markets and to interact with other people and sell these things I've created. Even though it's technically work, it's also something that's fun and it is a fulfilling and recharging thing for me.
Since starting that new bit, I've been getting a little more time for myself, but it is very much often just me and AJ a lot of the time, most days. I'd say that's a work in progress. Yeah, May, yeah. So my, funny thing I'm a little distractible at times, but I think it's worked out in my favor with my business because it started out initially as just a garden business.
My business is called Trinkle Roots, and so it was going to be like growing and selling all of my garden stuff and plant starts at the beginning of the season, that sort of thing, produce through the harvest season, and then I also started doing like herbal teas, herbal bath soaks, especially I've got a postpartum bath soak, one of, My favorite things when my son was born my doula gave me a postpartum bath soak and that was like my mean time 2 a.m After nursing him and unable to fall asleep I'd go soak in bath have a glass of wine with a cookie in my bath soak. I love that that was like my big postpartum treat. But but yeah, so I do the bath soaks. I'm also started doing like natural candles and stuff I get triggered really easily by fragrances and stuff, so I found some, a company that really cleaned up a lot of their fragrance oils and doesn't bother me, so I've started making candles with those and it's been really fun.
Okay,
[00:15:18] Hunter: you're doing all these different things. I love this. Now what I'm wondering is like the babysitter is there, but then wasn't there when you had ankle surgery, which seems like a little confusing to me because I can't imagine you were walking around much with ankle surgery and wouldn't it have been great to have another person in the house then?
I'm just curious about that. Do you and your husband? Give yourselves permission to get help if one or the other of you are there. Are you, is it in within the realm of possibility to get help when you're doing the other things for your business that don't involve being out of the house?
That's a
[00:15:52] Brittany: work in progress. Yes, I did have her here some. I guess I didn't explain, that was just in passing, I mentioned this earlier. So I did have her here some days just because I was like, I need help. I wasn't even in a walking boot for the first two weeks. I was on crutches. So like fully just had to be sitting having my foot up and I was like, oh my gosh, like I'm a half year old, like I need help.
So I did recruit help. I had people around most days, at least for a couple hours to even just play with him and give him some attention or to get snacks and food for us, like all these little practical things. So I did give myself permission to hire help on those days, even though I was home, I guess for me I'm having to like work on saying, yeah, it's okay to hire, to have someone here to help with him, even though I'm here, so I can just go focus on things.
So I'm getting to that point. Some of it's also, budgetary stuff, and so yes, just, of course, be it. But yeah, I think the giving ourselves permission thing is probably one that's been a barrier probably for both of us. We're like if I'm here then I need to do it. Or if you're here that you do, or if you're going to get time for you, then it means I have to give up my time, vice versa.
It's just a little bit juggling at.
[00:17:00] Hunter: Yeah. One of the things you're obviously like encountering is like our country's like complete lack of support for parents. Like we have. No safety net and no support. It's super frustrating. I don't know where you were overseas before, but my friend's in the Netherlands and she had like totally free child care from the very beginning, and it was very high quality. So this is I'm seeing this problem, right? Which is that we weren't meant to be just two people, like three and a half year old and just the two of us back and forth. It was. Two and a half year old forever and ever, right? That's putting a lot of strain on you.
That's putting strain on you is putting strain on your marriage. You've had trouble finding time for you just for each other. It's. Also, strain on, you being able to get your work done, and then it's also putting strain on your parenting because you don't you have to do this intensive time swap, right?
And all of these things. And, yeah, and then there's the financial difficulty of childcare being so expensive and things like that. Just to for three and a half. This time, like before he goes to school and this is like the most intensive time right now. From the perspective of later, this is the most intensive time.
They're so like needy of attention and constant interaction and all this stuff, right? And it's the most intensive time. So if. If there are resources to spare, this is the time to give yourselves permission because it is more intensive now than when he's gonna be even like five, six, and seven, like even a couple years down the line.
This is the peak, and especially three and a half. He's three, the ages like three and 13 are these big ages of separation. My youngest daughter's in the age of 13 now I'm like, oh yeah, 13, I'm feeling that separation. Three is also a big age of separation And that's why people say, oh, whatever they, the, they say about 3Ds.
So it's really hard and that means that you need, this is the time if you have some resources to allocate resources to giving yourselves a break for it. This is the year to do it.
[00:19:11] Brittany: That's nice to hear that because we've been wait a minute, we were doing okay. Like we felt like we've made all this progress and all of a sudden, why is it so intense all the time?
What did we miss? It's very validating to hear that, thank you. Yeah. Ah, you're
[00:19:24] Hunter: welcome. I just know it's yeah, you feel like you're going crazy cause you've, in our brains like it's one of those old scripts like we feel like all progress should just be like going forward all the time and it's such a
[00:19:35] Brittany: lie.
No it's not. Yeah. I will say big thing we did do recently. We he did his first overnight away, which is like a big step for everyone at my parents' house. They live about an hour and a half away, and he'd been asking for a little while. Whenever we'd visit, we'd leave and he'd say, I wanna stay by myself, and he'd go back to big White House.
We can make that happen. Tell her to heat her up. We've done very well it's been naturally progressed into just bed sharing for us, and he's still nurses during the night, so but it's been a lot less now since he's getting older, but just because of a lot of those things, it wasn't really conducive to do any overnight sooner.
So we decided, we're like, okay, we'll just wait until he is old enough that he asks for it, and so we did. We're like, yeah that's That went really well, so we're gonna make that at least a monthly thing so that Dan and I can have a date at our own house with no one else in here, which is just like a whole new thing.
We're like, what is this? I don't know if you've ever seen or anyone listening has ever seen Hotel Transylvania 3. But there's this moment where the two of the characters in the movie, they're wolves. And they, as wolves are, they've got hundreds of these kids always around them and she's always pregnant in every movie they just always have a kid.
And so they go and they find the kid's area on the cruise ship they're on. And they walk in and take the kids and they're like you, we leave them here, and you watch, and They're like, but why? Okay, so they leave all the kids, they walk out and it's just the two of them standing out there. They're like, so now what do we do?
And the wife's I think we do whatever we want. And they just go back and forth a couple times, whatever we want. Whatever we want, and then they start chanting whatever we want. And it's just, my husband and I, when we see that part, we always die, because we're like, that is just so accurate.
It's great. That's great. So it's, we definitely we're quoting that. That night, we're like, whatever we want. Because it was our first night.
[00:21:34] Hunter: in three and a half years. Okay, so what I'm hearing is that you're coming because your challenge is, holding space for those extra, those big feelings, you're getting overstimulated, you're, you have this temper coming out, and I'm, why I'm asking you about all the support and things in your life is, it's clear, right?
Like when you don't have enough space, you don't have time to be you, like your levels of overall stress. is the biggest indicator of how, how your stress response is going to be. Because if your overall stress is, is, you're just with a three and a half year old constantly all day long and then, you don't have any breaks, It's clear that you're gonna, that temper is gonna come out.
It's just gonna get to a tipping point. You just don't have the, it's a recipe for crazy making for human beings to just be only with, maybe there's, and that's why we have aunties and uncles and all that thing, the whole village. And you don't have the village.
I'm hearing your parents are like an hour and a half away, which is because it's so close. Yeah, it's just too far to be in the light. Travel like on a regular basis so and I'm happy to talk to you about all the ways that we can calm the temper and things and the tools that you can use for those moments.
But I also want, I want to challenge you to think of, to write a list of 10 ways and 10's going to be super hard, like it's going to be a lot, it's going to be more than you think you can think of. And ways that you could get extra help and support and time just to take a break from AJ. Not because you don't love, want to love him and want to be with him, but because when you want to be with him, you want to be at your best.
And so that means, not that every time, right? In good enough parenting means, it doesn't mean you're perfect all the time. You're gonna make mistakes. You're gonna yell. That's okay. You're allowed to do that. You will survive. It would be bad for him if you were perfect all the time. So model,
[00:23:34] Brittany: we can model feeling and resolving things with him.
So that's what I remind myself in this moment. But I still don't want them to be too frequent.
[00:23:42] Hunter: Yeah, you
[00:23:43] Brittany: don't
[00:23:43] Hunter: want them to be too frequent. Yeah, so I'm wondering as we talk through this and we talk about the support issue, how are you taking care of yourself? How are you taking care of your like, nervous system, your heart, your mind, your soul on a regular basis?
[00:24:01] Brittany: Yeah. I at least. So recently, just the last couple weeks since I've been back on my feet again, and we've been trying to, okay let's work on a bit of a rhythm for our days, just for both of our sake, and in the mornings we've started where we'll come downstairs I'll get his breakfast ready, we'll sit on the couch, we'll watch a couple like, of our favorite worship songs together first, and then I'll put on whatever show he's wanting to watch so that I could give my morning devotional time, which is not something I've been able to do basically consistently since he was a newborn and he would just sleep on the bed next to me while I read.
That's a little something that I've just started that I was like, okay, you know what? Putting on the show while I'm reading this and he does that, like that's fine. Like we, we do a little bit together first. To just give him that like time with that sort of thing, but I'm sitting here doing my reading He sees me doing my reading and he can do what he wants and it's okay to do that to give me this time So that's a little thing I've done recently for myself, but that's just still very new
[00:24:59] Hunter: I like that that sounds like a win that you're taking some time to slow down To stop going to stop serving someone else and to just be you and to take care of your heart and your soul.
[00:25:12] Brittany: And with my coffee, I make sure to get my son the coffee. My iced coffee he just didn't sip on while I do my reading, so like just that little bit I have found. Even just these couple weeks there were like a couple days that didn't happen because either Dan was home and so we just had a different morning or just something threw things off and I noticed like a difference in my responses just with not having that little start into the day of that little bit of time.
So that's something i'm definitely trying to make more of a habit. Now that my ankle's done better again. I'm wanting to, get back into doing exercise because that is something that is really important to me, but it's been a harder one since becoming a mom, too. And I know that chemically and physically does affect my brain responses because of all of the endorphins and all the good things that happen when you take care of your body, so that's on the list of things to do, but has my mind been mastered yet?
Yeah, as far as consistent things I do I don't have much in place, that one little morning thing is a new one that is at least probably the most consistent, thing I have. Yeah. Do you have a YMCA near you or something like that? We have a YMCA. We also have Oh, you probably, because they have child care, right?
Have
[00:26:25] Hunter: child care, and they have fitness classes, and gym, and the whole thing. Usually a pool. How do you feel about child care with random strangers?
[00:26:35] Brittany: That one, I'm, I can be issy on. This is the first time with the child care while I do my markets. It's been the first time I've started doing that with someone I didn't already know.
because I was like, okay, I'm gonna, I need someone regularly. So I went through a care. com and they have all the background check and stuff. And I was able to find someone good through that I was comfortable with, met with them first, just because in today's age there's just so many things that happen that it.
I try not to be, like, too anxious about that sort of thing, but also it's especially having been a former teacher, knowing how easily things get away, like, when you have too many, so many kids in one person or two people. I'm a little unsure on that one.
[00:27:15] Hunter: YMCA Child Care is generally not the, it's not super, it's not child development experts there, but It's usually like a bunch of kids, right?
Like they're all there. And your child may not get like their every need catered to, and that's fine. They're gonna survive. You're he may not even like it and that's okay It's okay for him to not like an hour of his life every day, right? If you decide to go and work out every day like it's fine for him to not be happy Not like even love it.
You may go there and love it and think it's super fun if you tried it out And this is, and like a lot of us we want to just be there for our kids, and we want to be that perfect nurturing Earth Mama, all that. And that's great. That's wonderful. But if you're burnt out, you're not going to be a good, wonderful Earth Mama for aging.
But then you need to take care of the goddess within, right? If you're the Earth Mama, you got to take care of that Earth Mama. And it's okay for him, a lot of kids are, they have more of a village taking care of them at an even earlier age. She's had you for three and a half years, to introduce him to other people and maybe even gets attached to other people and that would be actually really positive for him.
Like it's actually, developmentally and like evolutionarily normal for kids to have like multiple attachment figures. That's really good for them. And if you go what I would recommend, I would say, I invite you to check out the YMCA, go there, they'll probably let you, just, what you can do is you drop them off for 10 minutes of child care and you just go for a walk or tour the whatever.
And then the next day you go back and you do 15 minutes. And the next day you go back and do 20 minutes. Just do and build it up. When I had to take my daughter to child care, she's a highly sensitive kid. I like it. She did not like child care and She they came and got me because she cried and I had to go get her and that was okay But eventually she tolerated child care and there are a lot of kids who like it Like my other daughter was psyched because they had a particular choice that like we didn't have you know what I mean?
so that was pretty cool and I'm saying even if he doesn't like It's okay, it's safe for him to have an experience that is not perfect for him, and that's actually good for him. It's resilience like he can, and then you come back together, and there's a reunion, and that feels good, and then you feel better.
And that's actually all very good and very positive for him.
Stay tuned for more Mindful Parenting podcasts right after this break.
[00:30:27] Hunter: Let's talk about like when we're starting to get like super frustrated, right?
So what's like a typical like thing that might throw you over the edge? I'm like, oh, where
[00:30:37] Brittany: to begin? There's so many. So I'm trying to get my thoughts sorted to a recent experience. I think recently when I was with my ankle, so I've had to be limited in what I can do or I can't be up for long.
So it's more the current doing his own thing when I'm trying to get us to do a certain thing, or it's okay, we need to go inside now. Mommy has to sit down and get her foot back up. The trying to move in a direction and them having their own agenda and just not responding. I would say not, I started to say not listening, but I'm like, I know it's not really that ah, that's one of the, one of the biggest ones is like when I'm telling him to do or not to do something, right?
And he's not responding to that and not following that particular thing. And. Just over and it's like in my head I know it's because he's in his own world and I need to go get on his level and talk to him But like with my ankle I couldn't necessarily do that. Like I could just move over to him quickly So a lot of the time for recently it's been the just not responding right away Which logically is a mom I know of a three and a half year old his brain is not there for that right now But those moments can be very triggering.
[00:31:44] Hunter: Yeah, cuz you have to get In the house, or to the car, whatever it is. Yeah, it's incredibly triggering. It is. Not listening, right? That's the thing, right? Not listening. Okay, cool. Let's imagine, there, we can talk about like ways to respond to him, right? You know those you're like, get down on his level, look him in the eyes, touch his shoulder, buddy, we gotta go in the house now.
I see, you were super into playing empathize with what's, reflectively listen to what's happening to him, you really want to play, you wish you could just keep playing here and, I know, I get it I wish you could too, but we gotta go in right now, right? So we can talk about ways to respond.
Let's say, situation is such that you're not able to do that. In those moments, the thing that I want to invite you to do, and this can be sometimes like we're so intent on I want to be this way for my kid, right? I want to be calm, I want to be nurturing, I want to be attuned, so then as feelings arise that are contrary to this image that we have of ourselves with our kids, we can we push them away, right?
We no, right? And then we're just like, oh, boom. And that's, I'm imagining that for you, Brittany. Is that what I'm hearing?
[00:32:58] Brittany: Yeah. Yeah. I remember hearing it like the quote, the share your calm, right? In your, when your kids are in like turmoil, your job is not to join in their chaos, but to share their calm.
I can't remember if that was for you or for someone else, but I know I've seen that around a lot. And I always laugh to myself because when I see that, when I'm like, okay, I know that's true, but then I'm sitting here okay, share my comm. Where the F is my comm? I think I hear you, and I'm like, I'm bad I'm like, yeah first find my comm, then I can share it.
Missing link there sometimes for me. I love that. Share your comm. WTF, right? I can't really figure out where is my comm? I can't share it if I don't have it.
[00:33:37] Hunter: And it's true that is something that, I would say your kids got to borrow your comp, but, so the weird thing is about this is that to be able to get to that place of regulation.
We have to accept and embrace our difficulty. We have to accept and embrace that we have all the other feelings, right? Like when you're in this situation and he's not listening to you or he's not, responding to you, probably you're starting to feel a little frustrated and irritated, right?
And but you're like, no, I'm going to be calm and respond to him in a calm way. But actually, so instead. To be able to get to a, but the thing is we, Beyond being calm, we also want to be really authentic with our kids. We want to be real, right? We want to model being real and all the challenges that go along with that.
So this is like the moment in your life, right? Like where he's three and a half and he's really a lot more aware. So you now, and the reality is coming home to roots. So in these moments, I'm going to invite you to, this is like a time to just acknowledge your feelings and basically this is like name it to tame it which is you know what Dr.
Dan Siegel coined that phrase and the idea is and the research has borne out that like as far as brain skins and all these things that when you will say to AJ like buddy I'm starting to feel frustrated I'm starting to feel annoyed because we got to go in right like our like or just acknowledging to yourself okay.
Starting to feel frustrated. I'm starting to feel annoyed. And this is like this is like this wonderful thing because it's like you're not blocking it and suppressing the feeling so that it comes up like when you do that it's like you're pushing a beach ball under the water and then it just pops up even higher and whoop, with a bigger splash later, right?
Like explosive temper, right? That's what happens. So instead, you're going to name it to tame it, starting to feel frustrated, I'm starting to feel annoyed because I have this time pressure, whatever, you don't even have to say why, like you're just going to name the feeling. And that in itself is going to lower your temperature.
It's going to be your bell of mindfulness. It's going to, and it's going to interrupt the pattern you've established of suppressing and then exploding. You're going to interrupt that pattern. I'm starting to feel frustrated. And then what can you do to then actually get to an authentically calm place?
Cause now you're like acknowledging the reality. that you have feelings.
[00:36:03] Brittany: Go figure. Not just a zen master here. Yeah.
[00:36:08] Hunter: Yeah, you don't have to be the Dolly Mama. That's okay. So you've acknowledged the reality that you have feelings and that you can get frustrated and we all can, right?
This is the reality of life. So then it flips you into, okay, what can I do to authentically get my whole brain on board, right? So one thing you can do is you could put a hand to your heart. I invite, and the breath is cliche because it works. So you just want to try to take a longer exhale because the thing is as you Each inhale is a little mini fight, flight, or freeze stress response.
Each exhale is a mini opposite rest and relax response. So when you do exhale longer than your inhale, it's like a body hack, bio hack, to get your body into rest and relax response. Okay? So inhaling for four, Exhale for six.
Again, let's try it again. Inhale four,
exhale six.
With hand at heart if you, if that feels supportive for you. For me, that really does. So you do the breath, do those longer exhales. Three to five times. And if you need and then maybe the third step in there is going to be like, this is not an emergency. This is not an emergency, right? You're going to just tell your brain that.
And then you're going to, and then you're going to proceed, right? Okay. And you might even say it loud. I need, so I'm feeling frustrated. I need to go in. You're feeling this. You're going to describe what's happening out loud. Because that kind of takes it and makes it a little less the emergency in your head that your nervous system is saying is a threat.
And more of normalizing the experience, right? Excuse me. Okay. And I'm going to ask you to write this on sticky notes. Name it to tame it. Longer exhales. This is not an emergency. You're going to write it on four or five sticky notes and put it in different strategic places. I'm making a new name, name it to Tingma.
And then I would encourage you, actually, when you're doing your morning devotional, do those longer exhales, three to five, like five times, then two, so that every day you're practicing this thing. And that's actually going to get you at a lower baseline right at the beginning of the day and it's going to help you practice it so when you need it later, it's handy.
It's like right there. Not just something you do in a challenging time.
[00:38:43] Brittany: It's a habit, so it's easier to remember in the hard moments versus if it's something that you don't do often and then you try to bring it in moments of dysregulation, it does not come back.
[00:38:51] Hunter: Exactly, yes. Awesome. Okay. Brittany, we have covered a lot.
We've got AJ. We talked about your, you have a lot of awareness. You've had this this lovely, like early childhood experience with little AJ with COVID lockdown. And now you're moving out into the world and you're getting these time stresses and we're starting to like figure out how this is changing the balance and the budget of what, of time and energy and overwhelm and all those things.
We're thinking about exercise and then, and and all those self care things are all the things that are the foundation for you to be able to sustain being the Earth Mama that you're going to be for AJ for years to come. Like you need to sustain that, right? So you want to you got to put in, got to feed those, Plants, right?
Same for you. And then we talked about how to calm down in the challenging moments. Okay, so I want to hear from you now. What are you taking away from this conversation?
[00:39:57] Brittany: I'm going to remember to get a list of 10 ways to get more support. Wrote that down so I make sure to work on that. Doing the breathing exercises more regularly.
That's like something like I, I really need to build a habit of because it's something you try and you're like, oh this works, but I just, I need those reminders to do that. But the sticky notes, I am a sticky note person so that'll be huge. Like just writing those. Having them posted. And then I think, yeah, just the tips of what to do in those moments where I start to feel that rising.
The reminder that it, the name it to tame it. With him around, like I've heard that before, but It just hadn't occurred to me. I think I've been so stuck on the Don't Like. Shame and blame him for my feelings, that I've been forgetting that it's okay to still talk about them. I've had some moments where I'll say, okay, I'm feeling overstimulated, like when I'm getting all touched and he's climbing on me and I've, in those moments, I've gotten better at that.
But just in the emotional, Like overwhelmed moments, I've not thought of, oh yeah, it's okay for me to describe to him, hey buddy, I'm feeling a bit frustrated. I don't have to say, because you're doing, because then that, yeah, exactly. But I just describe what I'm feeling, and then he sees me say, oh, mommy's frustrated, she's taking breaths, and that helps teach him that.
I think that's probably the biggest thing for me right now is just, oh yeah, okay, I can describe what I'm feeling in those moments around him so that he for my own sake, and also it'll help him, but mainly for me, and then also the breath knowing that, oh, breathing out longer than breathing in interrupts that stress response.
That was like, I don't think I'd quite heard that. So that helped me.
[00:41:30] Hunter: Awesome. Awesome takeaways, Brittany. I can't wait to like, I want an update in six months. Just send me an email. Let me know how it's going. And you'll be like past three and a half and As long as you're grounded, you're taking care of yourself, if you have a foundation, good sleep, exercise, time with friends and family, time to be grounded support, you're going to be able to handle all, there's so many different challenges in every age and stage.
Your foundation is the constant, so you gotta feed yourself, right? More than anything else. He needs you to be grounded, to be, a steady, to be real and authentic human being. You don't have to be perfect but that's what he needs most of all. And if you're going to do that, you're going to need to, yeah, he might need to, go sit for an hour with, different toys and people.
He's how are you? And that's okay. He'll serve that. Yeah. This has been such a pleasure. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you talking to you today and your willingness to share it with the world. It's so helpful, I'm sure, for so many people.
[00:42:42] Brittany: Thank you. I appreciate your time as well.
It was really great chatting to you.
[00:42:53] Hunter: I hope you enjoyed this episode. I noticed the honor coaching sessions get a lot of downloads. So if this is something you like, we would love to know. I would love to know. We post about each episode on Instagram and Facebook. So maybe you can find that post or just, take a screenshot yourself, post it, tag me at @MindfulMamaMentor. Tell me If you like the honor coaching, if it helps you, like I'd love to know. It makes such a big difference for me and knowing that it's making a difference for you. That's what we really want to know and that's what really drives us. So I'd love to know. Tag me @MindfulMamaMentor. And of course those readings and reviews, they mean so, so much. I want to give a shout out to AnnaG25 who left a five star review on Apple Podcasting: “Amazing. I have read the ‘Raising Good Humans’ book and I'm listening to the podcast. Highly recommend”. Lots of exclamation points. Love it. Thank you so much. It means so much to me. And a whole team of people puts on this podcast.
Shout Alex Retsis and Emma Greening, and Lynn Weller, and Chelsea Gilday, amazing team that does so much. So yeah. These are those things. If you enjoy the podcast, and I hope this episode helps you. I hope it makes a difference for you and your family, and I wish you a beautiful week. All those good things in your life.
Let's lean into those good moments, let's lean into those peace and ease, let's give ourselves those moments because it's really what our kids need from us is us feeling grounded, feeling peaceful as we heard in this coaching call. That's, that is really what we need. It's funny, I was asked in an interview recently, do you still struggle with your temper and stuff like that?
And yeah, I do. And in fact, after a few years of being dormant, it had been so long, my temper came out a few days a little bit ago and It was because, it's funny because it was like all those things, it was like the time pressure, the outrageously frustrating nudging, and from the 13 year old, and, but it was like a lot of those other factors that were just building my stress level.
And then it would took it was a lot of nudging that threw me over the edge, but but yeah, so my temper did come out, I yelled, and then I stormed out of the house, and I just walked up and down the street, and my neighbor crossed the street, so I didn't have to talk to anybody at that moment. And then I came back in, and in a few hours she actually apologized to me first, which was really interesting, and after years of our practices and tools that they teach in Mindful Parenting She's she came, apologized to me first, I apologized to her, we hugged, and so these things happen this, we're not gonna get to a place of perfect.
I, it's okay, I forgive myself for this moment, because it's we're human, we gotta give ourselves permission to be human, and I give myself permission to be human, and so I hope you give yourself permission to be human, too, to your listener. Thank you so much for listening, I'm so glad you're here, that we can share this journey together.
Would love it if you could help spread the word and and do the rating review and all that stuff because that makes such a huge difference and I'm wishing you all the best and I will be practicing to calm that, that temper that still exists little latent volcano inside. I'll be practicing, doing all my practices to calm it and I hope you will too.
We can do it I'll be back here next week. Can't wait to talk to you then. Thank you for listening. Namaste.
[00:46:50] Mindful Mama Member: I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate better. And just, I'd say communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse. It's been really a positive influence in our lives. So definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it. It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much big effect from it. From being a better parent to your children and feeling like you're connecting more with them and not feeling like you're yelling all the time or you're like, why isn't this working? I would say definitely do it. It's so worth it. It'll change you. No matter what age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's a great investment in someone's family. I'm very thankful I have this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working or you can Learn some new tools and gain some perspective to shift everything in your parenting.
[00:47:53] Hunter: Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with too much to learn? Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clarke-Fields, and if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting membership. You will be joining hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class.
This is an opportunity to really discover your unique, lasting relationship, not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting, connected relationships, not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. Go to MindfulParentingCourse.com to add your name to the wait list so you will be the first to be notified when I open the membership for enrollment.
I look forward to seeing you on the inside. MindfulParentingCourse.com
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