Brooke
Brooke has been struggling with bedtime. As that time rolls around she’s exhausted, her daughter’s exhausted and everyone is struggling.
How do you set limits without using threats? How does she get her own needs for some downtime met too?
In this relisten of an on-air coaching episode, learn Mindful Parenting tools for peaceful bedtimes.
Relisten: How to Handle Bedtime- On Air Coaching Call (202)
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Hunter: You're listening to the Mindful Mama Podcast, Episode 202. Today we're talking about how to handle bedtime in a special on air coaching call.
Welcome to the Mindful Mama Podcast. Here, it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Mama, we know that you cannot give what you do not have. And when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarke-Fields, Mindful Mama Mentor. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 20 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting Membership and I'm the author of “Raising Good Humans: a Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids”.
Welcome back, my friend. I am so excited for this conversation. You are going to learn so much. If you have ever struggled with bedtime, this is absolutely the episode for you to also share with your friends and anyone who has struggled with bedtime. I did a special honor coaching call with Mindful Parenting member Brooke and it's about bedtime. She's exhausted, her daughter's exhausted, everyone's struggling.
We talk about how to set limits without using threats. How does she get her own need for some downtime met? And you're going to learn these mindful parenting tools for peaceful bedtimes. So I want you to listen for some important things that we talk about. How it's really important for us to not take on our kids problems, how we are the guiding, grounding presence for our children, and how it makes such a huge difference to know that we are not alone. So valuable.
Now, join me at the table as I talk to Mindful Parenting member Brooke. Brooke, thanks so much for coming on the Mindful Mama podcast.
[00:03:17] Brooke: Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it.
[00:03:19] Hunter: I'm so glad to talk to you and I've gotten to know you pretty well through the Mindful Parenting membership and I'm excited to talk to you about you and and your four year old, darling. So what are the wins that are happening recently?
[00:03:35] Brooke: First, I want to thank you for this opportunity because I couldn't be in more of agreement about when we like share these stories and we put our experiences out there that it really has a bonding effect. I felt like I was on a complete island being a stay at home mom. For several years before I found the My Mom and Mentor group.
And even like on the coaching call yesterday when we were going through some things and you were like, yeah, we're all nodding because yes, we, that experience, we all get it. We all know it. And even one of the other moms was like, yeah, you just saying that makes I knew that, but like having that support and having someone else just to be like, yeah, you're not crazy because I thought I was on crazy island and just echoing the same like thoughts and experiences is just very humbling.
And so I think for me, that's The main reason I thought about doing this and even after the call yesterday, I had another thing to thank you for is an amazing accountability buddy in Australia. I would have never met her. And she had, messaged me after the call and was like, Hey, look at this.
And I couldn't agree more. This is happening to me too. And we're all on very similar paths. And again, so just having that connection, even though she's in Australia is still helps me. Yay. So yeah. Yeah. But I think for me really, and I just turned 40 and I became like. Happy birthday. Thank you.
I've been really reflective and contemplative over the last few months with some personal things, some grief and some and then, turning the big 40 Kind of taking stock and the new year, the new decade and all that. And I really have needed to take a time to pat myself on the back and just realize that I've focused on that self compassion piece that was absolutely non existent before.
I'm definitely a recovering perfectionist, pessimist overachiever that so much more hard on myself than I ever would be on anyone. And so taking that time to be like, okay, you didn't get everything done. It's fine. You didn't do XYZ or whatever it is that I'm beating myself up about to just,
[00:05:42] Hunter: See, you're like, you're practicing that voice.
You're practicing that self compassion. It's starting to really, it's becoming more of a habit now.
[00:05:50] Brooke: Definitely. And I, cause I, and it really hit me when I saw and heard something that my daughter said and I'm like, Oh my goodness. And it was critical and for no reason. And I thought, wow. Yeah. When it's reflected back at you in a way that you're like, Oh, and then you catch yourself later going, Oh wow.
That's where it's from. Oh my gosh. Yeah, so I really, I, in my past, it's always been the cycle of goal, achieve, goal, achieve. I never really, once stopping to say wow, look at what you just did, pat on the back. It was, what's the next thing? What's the next thing? When I get through that next step, I feel better.
When I get through that next thing, then I'll be happy.
[00:06:27] Hunter: We never ever get to that place. We're not in that cycle. That's the sad truth we have for you and take it from Brooke, a recovering, recovering perfectionist in the world.
[00:06:38] Brooke: It is so true, but you also realize that When we focus on that generational passing that you talk about a lot and that really resonated with me from the beginning cause a lot of the things that, are in your experience I had in mind too with my raising and my growing and, the big feelings being shoved down and that kind of thing.
Really just being like, especially when I do lose my cool, because obviously it happens. I have a very independent verbal tenacious clever going on four year old who, you know. I wonder
[00:07:13] Hunter: where she got all that from.
[00:07:16] Brooke: Comes by it all very naturally. But not squashing that and not telling her to, I caught myself even like last week telling her to stop crying.
And it was like, oh wait I'm, no, I'm sorry. Like breaking the generational, but when I do mess up being like, okay. Not getting in that cycle of guilt and flogging of myself I think has really been the one thing that I have to stop and, pat myself on the back as shedding some of that guilt and it not weighing me down and knowing Every breath is in there, like that's really helped.
[00:07:47] Hunter: Amen. Yes. Yes. Yes. And it really does make it I say this, but I love when other people can share, like it does make it so you're able to try again. Try again, right? And it's easier to try again when you give yourself that soft landing. Yay, Brooke. Awesome. I'm psyched for you and I know that's been a long practice and really beautiful.
I love that. So yay for the wind of self compassion and and what are the challenges that are arising?
[00:08:19] Brooke: So this also happened on one of our group calls where, Again, when you stop in your rational line and you're like, Oh yeah, I can pull up this thread and I know where that comes from, the overachieving, the, okay, I have this, but I want this.
And the point A to point B is the shortest. How do I get there? And you're like, okay, I found this thing. It's going to, I'm going to do it and I'm going to be 100%. All in. Letting go of that and getting on this path. At a later age for me, but working through that calmness and trying to do work on my meditation and again, knowing that if I'm not Calm than I can expect her to be.
And really putting in the work so much so that when you get caught in a situation where, maybe it's compiling throughout the day, you've been calm, you've had, you've done your meditation, you've done your yoga, you've been calm, you've gotten them out of the house in the morning without, any kind of, rather unscathed, let's say.
And then you come home and it's usually tied with time and having to hurry or, it being a little bit more rushed than you'd like to, but you're calm and you're like, okay, yeah, we're just going to have a late dinner and we're not going to take a bath and this and that, and we're going to be cool.
And instead of getting yeah, we're going to be cool. You get this but I want to do this and I want to do this and you're like okay I'm gonna be cool and I'm gonna not say no I'm gonna say hey dude. Yeah I totally get that. Okay so look, these are the things we need to do before we go to bed.
It's just what we have to do. I totally get it because I don't like doing it sometimes too because I'm tired and I want to go to bed or I want to you know have fun or watch a movie or whatever. I get it. In order to do this, we got to do this. Full mouth down. Zero to six. And I'm like, Oh, and I can feel it now that I have tried to start working with those physical sensations and the clenching of my jaw and the lump in the back of my throat.
And then my fists actually, they tightening a little bit. And I'm like, okay, I get it. When what I was trying to tell her. is hate because she just wouldn't stop. She was fast. She was fixated on the fact that she so it was after dinner and I just needed her to, her dad had said he would wrestle with her after dinner and, but we were running out of time and we got a little bit late and she needed to, take a break.
Put on PJs, brush your teeth, get ready for bed. Then we could do the wrestling and then I was going to read her a book. But we had to get those things done pretty quickly so she could do both wrestling and book. Because if we didn't, if we ran out of time, something was going to have to give. So we were running out of time.
I was like, okay, Pisces, we got to go. Cece, listen, hey, will you look at mama for a second so I can see that you're listening to me? And she was like, but I want this book and I want that and just totally ignore me. And I got down on our level and I was like, really trying to say hey, if you would just listen for one second, mom is trying to work with you here.
Will you work with me? And she just beelined it to her dad. And he was like, mom is trying to talk to you. You, if you would listen, mom is trying to help, like we were both really trying. Just to get her calmly to listen, if she would just stop for a second, I was going to say, Hey, you can have both.
This is what we're going to do. We're going to do short book and I'm going to set a timer for the rest of it. Like we're going to do both. Let's just get these few things done. And finally I was like, okay, I guess we're not going to have time. Cause now we've gone around and around about, would you just take a second to listen?
And that just went like full fireworks. And so I got her to do those things and she ended up getting a short book, but again, she was upset and had a hard time going down. And after. Because I was short with her when it came, when she finally got into the bathroom, I was like sorry, we don't have time.
[00:12:03] Hunter: Yeah.
You all ran out of willpower
[00:12:06] Brooke: and energy there. Compiling and compiling until you finally are like, yep, done. And like how to navigate that. Because I think that is a consistent battle. With whatever it might be. With whatever, if it's bedtime, or if it's the pretend play that we're trying to stop, or like whatever it is, it's the,
I'm calm.
She's not responding. I'm not getting what I need.
[00:12:25] Hunter: Until you're, yeah, until you're blowing up. Oh, that is so frustrating. I just, I hear you. And and that is Yeah and you're like, we can do it. I'm trying to like, we're, I'm, we're, I'm trying to work with you. I'm trying to make it all happen.
And, please work with me, kid. And then they're just, their attention is distracted and they've got other things on their mind. They've got their own agenda. I know it's super frustrating. I'm actually, I had a very, I had a frustrating moment with my nine year old last night as we went to bed too. Bedtimes are one of the hardest times.
[00:13:02] Mindful Mama Member: I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate better. And just, I'd say communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse. It's been really a positive influence in our lives. Definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it. It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much benefit from being a better parent to your children and feeling like you're connecting more with them and not feeling like you're yelling all the time or you're like why isn't things working. I would say definitely do it. It's so worth it. It'll change you. No matter what age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's a great investment in someone's life. I'm very thankful I have this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working, or you can learn some new tools and gain some perspective to shift everything in your parenting.
[00:14:05] Hunter: Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies, but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem So overwhelming with too much to learn. Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clarke-Fields, and if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting membership. You will be joining hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class. This is an opportunity to really discover your unique, lasting relationship. Not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting, connected relationships. Not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. Go to mindfulparentingcourse.com to add your name to the wait list. So you will be the first to be notified when I open the membership for enrollment. I look forward to seeing you on the inside. mindfulparentingcourse.com.
All right. So what's happening is you're in that moment. You're wanting to you're wanting her to listen to you and so that you can talk to about how this is going to go. And and she's distracted doing some other things. So who has a problem in that moment?
[00:17:26] Brooke: It's me. I’m having a problem with her not attending.
[00:17:34] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah. So it's interfering with your need to be able to communicate with her and you're not able to just relax and go with the flow of the evening because she's not able to hear you. And if you step back and look at it we can look at, okay, so you have the problem there.
So we want, we know what our tool there would be like an iMessage, which we can work on, but I think it's also helpful to step back and look at it in terms of needs and who. What is everybody what are the needs of everybody in this moment? What do you think her needs were in that moment?
[00:18:11] Brooke: I think this is a reoccurring thing where in that moment, it was a very much, we both needed each party to listen and to hear. And I feel like at that point I had listened and I had heard her say, I want both things. And I needed her to then connect with me and hear me say, okay, how can we do both?
Here's how it looks. And I think for me, again, the putting in all the work and knowing, I can't give what I do not have and trying to have all these things that then You're working on, you're working on, you're working on, but there's not, I can't expect a four year old to give it back to me like I need it, but there's no.
[00:19:07] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're wanting to be heard too. So you have the problem in this moment. So when you have a problem, the tool for that. is your iMessage, right? Like your iMessage. So when we look at this moment and what, and this is great to practice this message for the evening because they take some practice, right?
Like the, it's not stuff that just rolls off the tongue, right? So and it might be helpful for a lot of bedtime. So if you think about, you Your iMessage in that moment like first, how can you go through that? Describing you know, hey when you do This is how I feel and this is how it affects me.
So give it a shot. What would you give to me as an iMessage in that moment if I'm your daughter?
[00:19:52] Brooke: When you ignore me, I feel unheard and it hurts my feelings. It makes me sad. Which in turn then I can't listen as well because I'm hurt. High five, Mama.
[00:20:04] Hunter: That is a beautiful ad message. I love that.
All right. So crouching down with her like, Hey, when you ignore me, I feel unheard. And I find it really hard to listen to you and make, I feel really sad too. And it might be very helpful in that moment because at this moment, like that. Like sadness and kind of frustration that's what's bubbling up underneath your anger like anger is The tip of the iceberg.
It's like the top and underneath is that sadness and frustration and it would be helpful for you to allow that to her to see that in your face like
[00:20:38] Brooke: Oh
[00:20:39] Hunter: Hey And for you to even say that out loud I feel sad and frustrated. It actually, as you probably know, like it provides some relief just to even label that right there.
So that as you're getting, and that's actually my advice in so many situations when we're getting to the point where we're like, we're calm, and then we're exploding, is that we want to start to verbalize. and label our, verbalize our feelings before we get to that point, right?
I'm feeling really frustrated. And and if you get to that point of I'm feeling, I'm starting to feel sad. So let's take a step back first, though. Say you talk to crouch down. You say, Hey, babe, I feel sad when you can't listen to me. I find it hard to listen to you.
Let's imagine, what do you think, what do you imagine she might do in that moment?
[00:21:31] Brooke: Currently, it's 50/50. Yeah.
[00:21:34] Hunter: Huh. It's
[00:21:35] Brooke: Sometimes I get this amazing, stop, pause moment, and then she will hug me or she'll be like, Oh mama, you're sad. Or, that where you're just like and, or otherwise I like last night would have gotten, but this is the book that I want to read.
It's, she's got that thing. Yeah.
[00:21:56] Hunter: Her, so her needs are driving are real strong. Okay. So let's say she, she goes with option two, but this is the book I have to read. So what tool can you do then? So then she's telling you, but I've got a problem, right? So when, what do you do when she has a problem?
[00:22:12] Brooke: That's where the reflective, I think reflective listening would need to play a part. And that's probably where I'm dropping it because I'm like, wait a minute, I need this. And then I think
[00:22:22] Hunter: that's you haven't heard her, right? And that's what happens in a lot of arguments is like someone, I'm saying this, but you're not hearing me say this, but you're not hearing me say this.
And no one's acknowledging what anyone's saying. And So when you, let's imagine you give that beautiful skillful eye message, rock on for you, and and then she says, but listen, I really need this book. I really want to do this book. How can you respond to that?
[00:22:47] Brooke: That's when, I hear you.
that you want, that this is the book you want to read and I hear you that you want to do wrestling too.
[00:22:55] Hunter: This is the book and you want to do wrestling. Okay, got it. And then maybe you pivot back to your iMessage,
[00:23:02] Brooke: right?
[00:23:03] Hunter: Or you might shift to something more I really want that for you too. We just got, you got to make sure we get these things done first of course.
So when you're in those like tricky situations, it's really a lot of You're shifting back and forth between this is my message and I'm hearing you too. I'm hearing you too. And this is hard. This is not easy. Like we're talking about oh yeah, you're just going to be doing no problem.
No, it's fine. But it's super hard to remember in that moment. But that's why it's so helpful to take a moment and dissect it and go into it. So you're going to shift into your message and you're going to shift back into, yep. Yes, that book. Oh, I know. Yep. And it's hard when you're in that moment.
[00:23:44] Brooke: So here's something that kind of comes off of that happened too. It's so I got her to get to the point of understanding these are the things that we needed to do before those were going to happen finally. But in a way that kind of made me feel icky because it was like, now we've lost the time.
It's my, what I call my mom voice. Like now we don't have the time to do that. If you would have listened shaming thing that I'm like Oh, that's not what I meant to say. But it already came out of my mouth To then have her do those things Because I wasn't going to back down on, again, there's my stubbornness, having her brush her teeth and wash her hands and face, like those things were happening.
So then I don't know how to, when that next step happens where it's I hear you daughter but there's still not a,
[00:24:34] Hunter: No, no action.
[00:24:35] Brooke: The way that I had to get her to do that didn't feel good to me. It was more of a threat and or like a angry voice that I didn't like.
[00:24:45] Hunter: Yeah.
[00:24:46] Brooke: I was trying not to use.
Yeah.
[00:24:48] Hunter: And I just want to say right here, though, that, Yeah, it's wonderful if we can be like a hundred percent skillful and a hundred percent not using our power like all the time we're human and you know it's really about the more we can use our skillful communication the better so we want to just Continue to acknowledge like when we're doing it well and go for that.
But so how to then continue to hold that boundary. And that's really hard and that, it depends on where that boundary is for you. So for you, that boundary is, you've got, you want to make sure her teeth gets, get brushed and her face gets washed. Say she chooses, Not to do those things, not to cooperate that night, then you have to, then you have to hold a boundary.
And this is that, that tricky spot where you're like this I told you peace comes in. And if you had done that, then we would have liked the kind of those. And that feeling of like it feeling icky to you is is probably a great indicator that it was like, it maybe could have gone down a better way in the future.
And it's something to learn from. So you can take that feeling as like a teacher like, okay, what can I learn from here? And sometimes I think a lot of time the learning that we can take from some of those moments is to just And what i'm doing is Because you guys are on audio. I'm like putting a hand over my mouth.
We've got to shut up We've got to just zip it Be a little more quiet because unfortunately The reality of life is that our kids are gonna make stupid choices that we don't like. They have to make stupid choices that we don't like. That's how they learn. That's how they learn best. This is just part of life, especially when you're four, you make so many stupid choices.
One of the things that we have to do as parents is sit back and watch our kids make dumb choices. And in As long as no one's obviously we don't want anyone to get hurt, but as far as it goes. Getting distracted from teeth brushing and things like that.
Sometimes we have to sit back and see that, oh, we're gonna not have time for this and I'm gonna have to hold that boundary and that's probably not gonna be fun, but it may have been better in that moment to zip it and then have to hold the boundary. Does that sound like, what are you thinking, Brooke, as I offer this idea?
[00:27:17] Brooke: I definitely think that I'm the daughter of an English teacher and a lawyer, so zipping it is always a challenge. And I, like I said, my daughter has been speaking in paragraphs since she was about two ish. And Us not talking or us not me specifically not, just closing my mouth I think it's going to be something I'm going to have to try to see experiment to see what would happen in that instance because ultimately she got up and brushed her teeth and she got in bed and we did have enough time to read the short book that I told her And we made time for her and her dad this morning to have some time together.
Ultimately it worked itself out. I think for me, the difference between, because I was raised in an authoritarian, regime, so to speak where, I was the baby of three. I saw what happened when you didn't follow the rules. So I was a rule follower. My husband was the oldest of three.
He was a total rebel. Never followed the rule, had green hair or polar opposites in a lot of ways. To then have that element of how do I hold a boundary Compassionately, you know without that horrible. I told you so additive How do I? Follow through with what I've said that either I'm going to do or that what needs to be done with out There being that threat or that icky feeling for lack of a better term but then also not quashing her independence or not letting her have those big feelings or, finding that weird balance of disciplining and
[00:29:13] Hunter: Yeah, no, that's a beautiful question, and you're you're right there. And this is really hard, and I think that, and like I said, for me, it's still something, I get challenged with too, is like, how do we not bring the drama, right?
Because our kids are going to bring enough drama. How do we not bring the drama? And and this is something, Like I said, like I wish I had, I wish I had practiced this a little earlier in the timeline on my own last night. But one of the things, one of the things that we want to do in these moments, so say you're in this moment, like you're, she's not gonna have time for the wrestling, you're getting a little tense and hyped, and you're starting to see You're starting to see that, that that she's making, maybe not making the greatest choice or whatever.
This is where that wonderful mantra that is going to come into handy, which is, not my problem. So our kids are going to make these choices. This is not my problem, right? So you, you want to, so one of the things that that even this communication teaches us like, is that there's, it's not interfering with your needs at all in this moment, really, if she makes the, a choice that you don't agree with, that isn't the best choice.
And this is her problem. This is her thing and she, she may have to deal with the The natural consequences of not having enough time to wrestle, and she might have some big feelings about it. And that's okay. That's not your problem. It's, and we mean this is not my problem in the most loving, wonderful way, but in a way of saying.
Okay, I cannot fully control this little human being. She's not a puppet. Can't make her, can't make her make the right choices. So when you say this is not my problem, it's a way for you to step back and say, take a breath and just check in with you and let her make the choices and let you hold the boundary and then what that does if you're able to get yourself into a state of letting go of You know What she's doing you're not responsible for all her actions, but you are responsible like My friend hal runkle said to her and you're if you can get to a place where you You want to and maybe anticipate in that moment?
Oh, man, she's gonna be upset I want to be able to comfort her, even maybe as I hold this boundary, or I want to be able to hold this boundary in a way that isn't mean and punitive, right? I just want to hold the boundary. And and I know this is hard because I've, my daughter's almost 13, I've got to hold some boundaries and the face is some snark and this happens.
So we want to get ourselves to the place where. Yeah, this sucks. I hear you. We're empathetically. I know. I wish we had time for the wrestling. That would have been fun. I know. I know. It's a bummer. Maybe next time. You really want to be able to reflect back to her when she has a problem with her own actions when she's made this, you know this choice.
But it's really about stepping back so that it goes into that work. For ourselves anticipating and practicing in that moment. So I'm wondering for Brooke for you What would be helpful for you to help yourself get in a state of a little bit of a letting go? a little bit of more Equanimity, you know in that state what would help for you?
[00:32:42] Brooke: It's funny because on the call yesterday and my little notes and I literally wrote down in all caps Not my problem underline like four exclamation points Because again, I come From a long line of self sacrificing martyrs who had to fix everything and I do feel that also didn't show their own emotions.
So I feel like letting her, like the problem is, the not my problem mantra is something that I need to really focus on. And trying, I think for me, parceling out whose problem it is, like we just walked through and when you're like whose problem is that right now? I'm like, oh yeah, I would be like, I don't think that way.
I don't think about her problem, my problem, and the difference between the two. And I know I also wrote I can influence, I can't control. And having that mantra of okay, not my problem. But before that, being whose problem is this? And trying to figure out that on the fly, maybe something that I need to think about prior to in like certain situations that might continue to be happening.
And if I'm buying into her emotions and coming down and getting sucked into the drama. Cause I definitely, my friends call me mama bear for a reason. I do tend to, feel other people's feelings for myself and take on their drama and while I think in the past maybe it was my way to connect to somebody, I'm realizing that it's now to my detriment that I'm not connecting with myself. And so that mantra of Not my problem is probably something I need to definitely work on.
[00:34:39] Hunter: You could write it down on post it notes and put it up in your bathroom and things like that. And especially if you're really empathetic and you like feel everyone's problems and things like that. It's really valuable in those moments to have grounding practices. You know some maybe like a little menu of three or four grounding things that you're gonna That you're gonna be your go tos and some of those things that really help are the side breaths.
They help change the chemistry You know just putting both hands on the floor can be helpful, to to take a moment there Right where you're literally grounding. Maybe you literally just sit on the ground You put your hands on the ground and you take some side breaths or you take some long slow exhales, right?
You want to have a little practice for Those moments for me that the sighing it out helps a lot I need to take a moment to turn away. I need to take a moment to like duck in another room. Maybe I might shake out my hands And then, you know take some breaths and then I can step back into it and that for me that really helps a lot to just take a moment where i'm not in that like space of confrontation I Used to have, when it got really bad, I'd go outside to this rock in my driveway and I put my hands on the big boulder.
But for you, Brooke, what do you think might be, what might be some practices that you can start to practice and incorporate into these moments?
[00:36:14] Brooke: I definitely think that the grounding and exhaling and cause I definitely feel, again I've come into that place of conscious awareness. And being okay and just sitting in that conscious awareness for as long as I have, it's a little challenging, but to just really feel the breath and feel the ground.
And a friend of mine gave me this amazing appetite bracelet that I've been wearing. And so like I've taken a second to rub those stones and just Okay, I'm okay. And then have that moment so
[00:36:46] Hunter: Another great mantra. I like there's a whole bunch of mantras that you can use in that moment like I'm helping my child you could say that or Yeah, not I think like not a problem just chilling in those moments.
Think about Coming into those moments and then what that does is as you lower your fight, flight, or freeze response, your stress response, it makes you more available to be that grounding presence for her, because for kids they get ungrounded they get into their stress response and The way that they the way that they ground themselves is through us, right?
Like we're that grounding force, that's the holding on to you, that touch, all that stuff. And you just breathing with her in those moments is so wonderful and so grounding for them. But it's our job to practice to, to be that grounding force as much as possible so that then we can offer it to them through their like attachment to us.
[00:37:42] Brooke: It's so important to remember to again, I got back to the call because another mom was saying like she was realizing like her anxiety or his anxiety. And then the anxiety about the excitement, like the cycle of anxiety. And I feel like, especially when it comes to bedtime, it's like I've come to the end of the day when she goes to bed is when I can do.
Whatever it is. And so it's gotten to the point where it's late and now it's encroaching on my needs and, trying to deal with her needs when I'm like in the back of my head, it's going, Oh, now it's already eight 30 and you haven't even, she's not even in bed. And trying to just really realize that the more I'm, it's just going to feed that in her too.
And I think just the more I can practice that and just really, and again, that self compassion piece coming in where I don't do it, and I'm like, ah, back at her, and then I feel bad when I leave the room has helped. But
sitting in those icky feelings used to not be something I was comfortable with. And just being like, oh, hi there, Gil. Oh, okay. Yeah, that doesn't feel good. Okay that's been something that I think I didn't, I wasn't actually aware that I was doing it until something that you said brought it up to me in my, brought it to my awareness that I was.
Working through those and again, those feelings that I haven't in, my past or in my upbringing been able to work through or even name to tame I think has been something that I definitely have seen over the past, several months of walking through it walking through the program together and with other moms and
[00:39:24] Hunter: There's so much learning to do, right? That's just not something that we can just like dip into for, like for a few weeks and then we're like, I'm good. I'm done. And you're teaching an old old dog. Teaching old dogs new tricks. Yeah, all that's like incredible like shifts to be able to you know even be able to see those things and to be able to sit with those things and so You know, you can look at bedtime as like the new frontier Bedtime is the new kind of place to practice and I also think It's helpful if with, I know you have your husband there, if you're able to give each other a break, a night where you do some bedtimes and then I do some bedtimes, that's really helpful if, for the listener, if you have that option, could co parent.
Yeah. And it, but over time, bit by bit, it's like these things will get better and better. It's, all the hard work is in the beginning, as it's like all this, all the, it's a lot of shifting and changing and, oh yeah, remembering and practicing language and shifting that. in ourselves and then over time it gets easier.
It becomes more of a habit and our, there's that neuroplasticity. Our brains are changing and our kids become less if they're like bumping up against those boundaries again and again, and you just hold them with empathy, it's like here we are again at this boundary, and don't make it as, reduce the drama on your end.
Don't make it such a big deal on your end, which can be really hard. I know this myself. I'm not so great at this all the time myself. And, but the more we can do that, the, those, that becomes a not an issue after a while and then a new issue comes on.
[00:41:10] Brooke: I think that's such an important point too when it comes to like new people in the program and or even me like having gone through it once and tagging to the second round as I can.
The idea of I'm really trying to work with her and I'm really trying to give and I'm really trying to do all these things to help the family be in a better, happier place and to be on the same team and to work together and feel like a cohesive unit and then when I'm constantly getting, the snarky or the backtalk or the not kind words where you're like, okay, I'm giving it, I'm giving it, I'm not getting anything in return.
Or I'm saying yes, and I'm saying yes, and I'm saying yes. And then the one time where I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. And we have to say no to that or whatever it is that if there's a, explosion not feeling hitting my head against the wall or resentful that I'm like doing all this work and not getting anything in return from my three year old.
That logically when you say it like that, you're like, oh yeah, that's silly. But to be okay with that, to realize it does start with me and if I can't continue and continue through those things, then we'll just fall back into those same patterns. That we've been stuck in.
[00:42:22] Hunter: Yeah, it's important to remember that our kids are like, whatever the habit has been for a while, if they're, if you've been, doing all the threats and the orders and things like that, and they're in the habit of resisting that, that's what they've known for their whole lives. And they're like a train going 90 miles an hour in one direction.
They're still, it takes a while for that train to stop and turn around. You've also said like yourself Sometimes when you give her that iMessage, she's oh mama, and she, she offers that. So you get those like kind of moments of yes, great. Okay. And she is, yeah it's part of it is you have to be.
Continue to practice because really the alternative is okay, we're gonna go back to threats and punishment And then we you know, you just get so much more conflict and you know you as we're using that power of threats and things like that then our kids just become more and more resentful and they, we don't have that influence when we might need it when they're teens.
It's like that relationship bank account, right? We gotta be putting in to be able to withdraw and there's a lot, there's a, yeah. And I
[00:43:27] Brooke: think trying to have the focus on I need to put in my bank too, so that I can continue to give. And so those points where I'm like, I have given so much, I am done.
That's when, it's even more important to stop and do some self care. And I think I've gotten better at that. Cause again, I didn't have a model of self care. I had a, martyr model. And is something that I think being new to this and focusing on that has definitely helped in those moments, but I need to do more.
All right.
[00:43:55] Hunter: So those little bitty bits of self care in those difficult moments, think about those times like this is hard. Okay. How can I help myself?
[00:44:04] Hunter: All right, Brooke. Awesome. I so appreciate you bringing your challenges and your wins here. Do you have any any, we talked about bedtime, which is like the crazy time.
And now you're going to go into bedtime with a kind of a different focus. So would you have any any takeaways from talking today?
[00:44:24] Brooke: I definitely feel like even though it was specific to bedtime, that it's a consistent. conversation that happens around any activity that has a, we got to do this before we have to do this kind of thing with her and that I can try to separate out my problems from hers and really realize that, not to take on those things and to allow her to have those emotions, but not take them on myself.
And that really to continue on the path of, self care and self compassion. And to know it has been this program that is really, even though before I had the idea of practicing and mistakes help you learn and grow. And even though I wasn't raised that way, I had come to that in my adulthood on my own.
But to really Honor that and to know it as opposed to feel it in my heart as opposed to just my head for myself And have that then be something that I can pass on. And even though at first when the, Oh, I cannot give it, I do not have, it makes me cringe because I'm like, Oh my gosh, there's so much I don't have.
AKA my pessimist recovery in full effect there. To really know what that means and to know that obviously I'm not going to have everything. I'm only human. So to hear other moms say the same things and to be supported by other moms I can't thank you enough for all of your time and effort that you put into your groups and your lessons and meditations and all the things that we have at our fingertips within the group and in online in our forums and everything.
It's just It has, broadened and tightened this web of moms internationally that when we put our hands in our heart and we talk about the group that's around us and that what we're doing this for, I literally can almost feel and see women and families, holding hands around the world.
And it's beautiful and it's beautiful. And I encourage anybody who's thinking about it to jump in full force because it, it is an amazing supportive collective that we have going on.
[00:46:30] Hunter: Oh, so cool. Thank you so much, Brooke. I really appreciate you sharing your life, sharing your story, and I know I'll see you again soon, so thank you.
Thank you so much for listening. I loved talking to Brooke. She is so such a sweetie and has done, made so many huge strides in the membership. It has been an incredible joy to watch. So powerful. Just want to let you know that we, our doors will open and then close briefly. So if you want to get on the wait list and learn more about it, go to mindfulparentingcourse.com.
And before I go today, I hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope you'll share it with other people who are struggling. I want to give a shout out to LauraTai22, who gave a five star review on Apple Podcasts. “Thank you so much”, she said, “they're amazing, helpful conversations”. And she is so grateful to find the podcast: she says, “you are my virtual mom tribe”. Yay! I'm so happy to be here as your virtual mom tribe. So awesome. Thank you.
And thank you so much to Kim Boche, who left a review back in November and she also left a five star review and she says she is an appreciative listener and thanks us for the podcast. Thank you so much to you guys and everybody who has left a review. I am so glad to be able to be talking to you, sharing to you. with you. Thank you so much for listening. I'm glad to be here. I am glad to be in your virtual parenting tribe. It's so wonderful to connect. Thank you so much for all the kind notes and all the good things. I'm so glad that we are hanging together here in 2020 and beyond. I'm wishing you a beautiful week. I'm wishing you a peaceful week, and I will talk to you soon. Namaste.
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