Hunter Clarke-Fields interviewed by Carla Naumburg
My book "Raising Good Humans Every Day" is about 50 simple ways to press pause, stay present, and connect with your kids because it’s the little things we do each day that can make all the difference in raising kind, confident, and conscientious kids. But with the daily rush, we busy parents need effective tools quickly and easily—that’s what this book is all about. In this relisten episode, Carla Naumburg interviews me about it!
Relisten: Hunter Interviewed by Carla Naumburg
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Hunter: Hey there, it's Hunter, and welcome to Throwback Thursday. Most Thursdays, we are going to re release one of my favorite episodes from the archives, so unless you're a longtime listener of the show, there's a good chance you haven't heard this one yet. And even if you had, chances are that you are going to get something new listening to it this time around.
Mindfulness is the practice of putting our attention in the present moment with an attitude of kindness and curiosity. When you love someone, the best thing you can offer them is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?
You're listening to the Mindful Mama podcast, episode number 411. And today is a very special episode in which Carla Naumberg interviews me about my new book “Thanks Raising Good Humans Every Day”.
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting podcast. Here, it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Parenting, we know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarke-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years, I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course, and I'm the author of the international bestseller Raising Good Humans and now Raising Good Humans Every Day, 50 Simple Ways to Press Pause, Stay Present, and Connect with Your Kids. Welcome or welcome back to the Mindful Mama podcast.
I'm so glad you're here and I'm so glad you're here for this very special episode. I am so excited about this. We are releasing this one week before Raising Good Humans Every Day is finally released on August 1st, 2023. And I'm so excited. My dear friend and licensed clinical social worker and international bestselling author of How to Stop Losing Your Beep with Your Kids, Carla Naumburg, is interviewing me about “Raising Good Humans Every Day: Fifty Simple Ways to Press Pause, Stay Present, and Connect with Your Kids”. Now, listen, I am so proud of this book. I'm psyched about it. I put my heart into “Raising Good Humans” and into “Raising Good Humans Every Day”, and I'm psyched about it because I get to go beyond “Raising Good Humans” and talk about a lot of different things, and it has 50 short chapters, so it's like in the style of a book where you can just jump in any time, which I love that kind of book, and it's small, it can fit in your pocket, so it's a really great book.
book to have for yourself at your bedside table, but also to give to a friend. And Carla and I are also going to be part of the Raising Good Humans Summit, which we are doing to release this book. And if you buy two books, we're going to give you full access pass to the whole summit. And you can find that at mindfulmamamentor.com/summit. But yes, this conversation is all about this book, she interviews me, and if you've listened to any episodes with me and Carla before, we used to do some more in the past and we always laugh because we always have a great time and we love it. So if you're curious about the new book, you want to get a taste of it before it comes out, definitely listen to this episode.
And that's all I got to say about it. So Let's do it. Dive into this conversation with myself and Carla Naumburg
[00:03:26] Carla Naumburg: Hey everyone. Welcome to the Raising Good Humans Summit. I'm Carla Naumburg and I am so psyched to be here interviewing Hunter about her new forthcoming book, which if you look carefully, you can see it right there. I got a sneak peek. Anyways, Hunter's new book is called “Raising Good Humans Every Day”. And it's a sequel to her amazing debut title, “Raising Good Humans”.
Those of you who know me know that I am usually the one being interviewed by Hunter, but today we're flipping the script a little bit, mixing things up, and I get to ask Hunter questions, which is so exciting. You ready, Hunter? I think so. It's just calculus questions and some physics, so you'll be fine.
No, just kidding. Okay. Many of the folks attending the summit have been following you and your work for a long time and probably know who is in your home, what you're all about, but for those folks who are joining us for the first time, Can you just tell them a little bit about yourself, who's in your family, who lives with you in your house, who you end up loading the dishwasher for after they leave all the plates around, those kinds of things, just so folks can get a feeling for who is the woman behind the magic.
[00:04:30] Hunter: Sure, I'm happy to. So I live with my husband Bill my daughter Maggie, who's 16 now, who's in some ways the catalyst of so much, and my daughter Sora, who's 13. My dog, Piper, who's a really needy pit bull, and my two cats, Amber Boots, and then a plethora of fish that Sora is in charge of and that's who's in the house right now.
[00:04:53] Carla Naumburg: So you have figured out a way to live with cats and fish.
[00:04:57] Hunter: Yeah, the cats don't, they ignore the fish. In fact, the cat will sometimes drink out of the fish water. But doesn't even see the fish.
[00:05:06] Carla Naumburg: That is amazing because I have a very sad catfish story. When I tried to accomplish the same thing, it did not work out well.
So I'm quite impressed. So you are like in the teen world. I am also in the teen world. I have two daughters. One is 14 and one is almost 13. So we're like neck deep in this together. And you and I have been talking about the mindfulness, mindful parenting stuff for a long time now. And I'm so excited that your books are bringing your message to this whole new group of folks.
If you've got little ones, babies, toddlers, elementary school, whatever it is, if you are an adult who have adult kids, what am I saying? You are an adult. Yes, you're probably an adult if you're listening to this. If you are a parent of grown children, is what I'm trying to say, this is relevant for all of you, for any age.
And that's one of the things I love about the work you do, Hunter. And your message is that it really strikes a chord with parents of kids of all ages. Speaking of all the different kinds of parents. There are lots of ways to be a good parent, and you've built a life and a career around mindfulness.
You've written these two books, you have your amazing podcast you teach your courses, you have like groups and coaching and all these things, like more than I can name right now. Clearly like mindfulness is this very meaningful and sustaining path for you and practice. Let's call it a practice as well.
And I just have a couple questions about that. So for folks who haven't been following along, maybe haven't read your first book or read it a while ago and their parental brain is all mush and they need a refresher, what is mindfulness? You know The elevator pitch on mindfulness for the general public.
[00:06:38] Hunter: Sure. So I think a way to start that question is to share like my own experience with mindfulness. And that is that I started reading about it when I was a teenager. And I was like, I had been highly, I, I'm a highly sensitive person and I feel things very deeply. And I would go into these sort of pits of, panic and not being able to deal with the world every sort of week or two.
And so I just started reading about mindfulness and that in itself brought this like enormous amount of relief. Okay, I can be in the present moment. I don't need to aim for perfection and this is all very healing and for me. And then when I actually started practicing it, About a decade later, and lo and behold, it did amazing things for me personally.
And so what I did is I just, I did a, meditation is one way to practice mindfulness. And mindfulness is I'll define it in a sec, but first I'll finish my story. But I practiced a little bit every day, about 10 minutes every day. I sat there thinking, I'm just thinking the whole time I don't even know if I'm doing this right.
What's happening? I was like, I don't know if I'm really even doing anything right. But then I looked back at the rest of my life and I hadn't fallen into any of these pits that I had fallen into for 27 years of my life until that point. And so it was like this huge game changer for me as far as being, making me more steady and able to ride the waves of life.
But basically, Mindfulness is the practice of putting our attention in the present moment with an attitude of kindness and curiosity. And that is just really different than the way we normally live life, because, our attention is often a lot in the future, a lot in the past. It's not necessarily in the present.
We're on the to do list, we're in logistics, we're planning, we're doing all these different things. And the whole attitude of kindness and curiosity piece is also really different from the way we are normally living life because a lot of times our brains are just by default kind of judgmental and a little bit mean to ourselves.
We're not like curiosity means open minded, right? So we're actually on the opposite side of that spectrum where we're judgmental. And this idea of then taking these practices, which steadied me enormously, Ultimately helped me to really calm my temper as that came up with my children.
The idea that it helps us to be curious, right? To practice curiosity ends up being so helpful for being with our kids. Cause then instead of the, that judgmental mind often kicks in first and bring some curiosity and say, okay what is really going on here? And then you have that, if you practiced it a little more, you have that ability to pause a lot more of the time and then use that curiosity.
And that whole, that those just two things in itself, make an enormous difference in our lives as parents.
[00:09:31] Carla Naumburg: So you said a lot of amazing things there that I want to dig into for just one second. First of all, I found it fascinating that and I love that you said this, that you like read about mindfulness for 10 years before you started practicing.
Thank you for saying that. Just because I feel like when I learn about a new teacher or expert or guru or whatever, it is out in the world, I always assume that they are like the perfect practitioner, right? That they just do it every day perfectly. And to hear you say that you were like hovering in this world for a long time before you even started practicing, but that even just the reading and learning about it was helpful is, it's like this weight off my shoulders, and hopefully it is for folks out there listening and viewing this. So thank you. I also love that when you learned you could just be in the present moment, that felt hugely relieving to you because the first time I heard about that, I was like, dude, sometimes the present moment really sucks. But now I know better.
And I know that even though sometimes the present moment really sucks, it's much easier, I think, to be in the present moment, as hard as it may be, than to have my body in the present moment and my brain somewhere else, and then that gets really chaotic. So the present moment is huge, right? And I'd rather be there than try to be here while also being in the past and the future because that's just completely overwhelming.
[00:10:45] Hunter: And you can't selectively numb, right? We know that, right? We know that from Brene Brown and other researchers that you can't if you were like, Oh, I don't want to be here. I want to numb out. And sometimes, yeah, sure. Binge watch Bridgerton, have a great time, right?
Sometimes that's a skillful means, but we can't do it all the time or we're not going to be able to be present for the good moments. That's the key to checking out piece, I think, is that, we want to actually be there when we want to be there, right? Like we want to be able to go on vacation or go hiking with our kids and not have our brain be going bazillions of miles a minute into the future and planning, right?
[00:11:19] Carla Naumburg: This is such an important point. We can't selectively numb out. We can't choose to just only check out for the crappy stuff, right? Cause if we do that, if we don't know how to be present, then we're going to miss that good stuff too. And so that's such an important point that the practice of being present, I think makes these really hard times easier, which sounds counterintuitive, but after you've been practicing, it's actually true because.
Mindfulness isn't just about showing up to the present moment. It's about showing up with that kindness and curiosity. That's the other really important piece. So I love that you said that. You also said something interesting that I think leads to my next question. So you said something about pausing. And that, I didn't hear that in your definition of mindfulness, right? Mindfulness is showing up for the present moment with kindness and curiosity.
And then you talked about how that helps with your temper, and I'm sure we can all relate to that. But you said something about pausing, and I think this idea of pausing leads to my next question. So we're going to try to do a tricky little thing here. What is it about showing up in the present moment with kindness and curiosity that's going to make us better, more skillful, calmer, more engaged, more present, insert your adjective of choice here, better parents?
And does pausing have something to do with that?
[00:14:33] Hunter: Yes, definitely. The thing is like we're always on autopilot, right? Like we're going we're moving we're reacting to the world. We're just going forward in the day. We're doing this, we're doing this. And then we do this and. At least for me, it's as a parent, it feels like it's an endless series of to dos.
It's do the cats, and then the kids, and then the, all that stuff. And so we're on this autopilot. And to get off autopilot is, that's the only time we can actually really be present with our kids, right? When we're not on the treadmill of doing. And, in the mindfulness world, they talk about this idea of like just being rather than doing and this idea of can we stop?
Can we feel our sensations? Can we see our children with fresh eyes? Can we be curious about them? And for me, there's a, there's a quote from a Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh that really motivates me in these, in when I think about this and his quote that is really beautiful is When you love someone, the best thing you can offer them is your presence.
How can you love if you are not there? That's so profound, right? When we're on autopilot, we're not there. We're somewhere else. And so to actually really be here, it is like a little bit counterintuitive to our survival animal body and brain that just wants to keep us safe from threats.
And so we keep moving and we keep scanning for threats and things like that. Yeah. And so to practice to just pause and be open and be curious can feel a little counterintuitive, but that's the only time we can love our children. That's the only time we can say, who are you right now?
This child, right? Which is in a river that you never step in twice. Who are you today that you weren't? yesterday. Can I be open? Can I be curious about that? Can I wonder like, why, what need are you trying to fulfill by doing this behavior? And that takes a little bit of like curiosity and pause. Like when we have that pause, when we're not in the autopilot, then like our whole brain can kick in and those slower parts of the brain that need a little more time to catch up, they can kick in and they can, we can start to, to integrate everything and really be there.
And I think that. That makes a world of difference to being able to then choose how we want to respond, right? Like when we're on autopilot, we're reacting, we're just going, we're doing. I was at the, I was somewhere recently at a garden where I, this dad was with these two little kids and I, my kids heard him say to the kids, Oh, if you hit your brother again, I'm going to smack you.
And he said, and of course it doesn't make any sense, right? Like it's not teaching anything useful, but he's not. He's just. He's not reacting, he's not thinking about I'm gonna choose a skillful response to this moment because, we're just, that's when we're on this autopilot where the words just come out of our mouth, that may be the words that our parents said to us, that may be unskillful words, that has definitely happened to me, so when we can pause, then we can start to say, okay, what is happening here? What does my child need to learn? How do I need to respond? We can use our whole brain to think about it.
Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
[00:17:49] Carla Naumburg: So Hunter, this point about being able to choose is so important and for me, it wasn't until I really made a very concrete connection between being able to pause and intentionally make a choice about my response to my kids. a connection between that and my time spent meditating, because I'm not gonna lie, meditation is boring.
It's annoying. For me, that is often my experience of it. Perhaps that's why I'm not a meditation teacher. But once I made the connection and I started realizing what I was actually practicing, that I am practicing noticing being in an unpleasant moment, and instead of having this reaction of hopping off the couch to go unload the dishwasher, whatever it is.
I choose to stay and be present, stay calm, get curious about what's hard for me, and then intentionally choose this hard thing, which is staying there and continuing to notice my breathing. It's like I'm building this part of my brain muscle that allows me to then do it in these hard moments with my kids.
So when I attempted to yell at them to stop yelling, which is my version of what this dad said in the park and I've definitely done that before, I'm less likely to do that when I have this steady meditation practice.
[00:18:56] Hunter: Yeah, same here. Exactly. Yeah. I would yell, calm down.
[00:19:02] Carla Naumburg: You need to calm down right now.
You need to breathe, as I say breathlessly. So let's talk about your books, Hunter. We're here to talk about your new book. I want to take a minute though and talk about your previous book, Raising Good Humans, which folks, again, that's the white one behind me. There it is. Look how pretty it is. So let's just say this.
This is a kick ass bestselling book on Amazon. I totally. Snooped on your Amazon page and saw that like this book is consistently in the top 500 books on Amazon. So think about the millions of books and you're in the top 500. That's amazing. So let's just take a minute and be psyched for you. Cause I love this.
So this is the part of our conversation where I want you to toot your own horn a little bit. And talk about why you think this book, Raising Good Humans, is resonating so deeply with readers. Tell us about it. What do you love about it? What are you hearing from your readers? Why do you think this is, in a world where there are so many parenting books, why do you think Raising Good Humans is doing so well and people are just coming back to it again and again?
[00:20:02] Hunter: A large part of it I don't know, but what I think I do know is that people appreciate that I come from a perspective of I was really crappy at this. I was failing. It was really hard for me. And I was really messing up. I was really felt like I was like, Oh my God, I'm going to mess up my child.
And I didn't, so all of these tools that I teach, I don't teach because I'm naturally good with kids. I'm not naturally good with toddlers. I'm not naturally calm and peaceful. Not at all. Like all of these tools I have and I teach because I desperately needed them. So I really get like that feeling of like your, your temper and feeling ashamed of that and feel, all those worries that you get.
Like I really lived that and understands that. So that voice comes through. I also think I understand parents don't have a lot of time to read 300 pages, and they want to get to the point, and they want to get to the point also with some compassion and some kindness, maybe a little sense of humor, which you do much better, I'm sure, in your books, which I love about your books.
But anyway they want some understanding and they want some real tools. And I think it's a combination of that. It's like a voice of understanding. It's very practical. And and it's not that long.
[00:21:19] Carla Naumburg: Yes. And the advice is so doable, right? I've read a lot of parenting books where I was like that's a great idea, but it's never actually going to happen.
A book years ago when my girls were little, and I think I had two, I think they were both under the age of two at that point, and it was like, spend 15 minutes alone with each kid every day. And I was like, they nap at the same time, what am I supposed to do, lock one in the closet? It would just felt Not, for the record, folks, I did not lock a kid in the closet.
I locked myself in the bathroom with chocolate chips, which is a totally different thing. No, but seriously yeah, I did that. Okay, let's move on.
[00:21:51] Hunter: I hid in the, near the pantry eating the chocolate chips,
[00:21:55] Carla Naumburg: which I think would be perfectly fine. I have a friend who refers to her bag of chocolate chips as emergency, and she's I need some emergency, and I just love her for this.
Yeah, look, it's just an awesome book, right? And so now you've done and gone this totally insane thing, which is writing another book. I call it totally insane because for folks out there who haven't written a book, it's really hard. It's a lot of work. It's more work than you think it's going to be.
Even if you love the topic, it takes a lot of time. But you've written this amazing book. There's the little one you can see right there. Raising Good Humans Every Day. So this book comes out on August 1st, 2023. You can pre order right now. Just go order it off your favorite online retailer. Go to your favorite local independent bookseller.
Ask them to order the book for you. And then you're going to get it the minute it's available, which is awesome. I've been lucky enough to read my copy, and I love it. Look, it's got all these things we love. It's accessible. It's readable. And, even though I've been in this world with you for several years, I'm always learning something new.
So I'm super excited about this book. But here's my question for you. You already wrote a book with lots of awesome stuff. It's getting out there. People are buying it. So you're getting out this word with your podcast, with all your hard work. Why did you go and write another one? And why this one? Tell us about this book.
[00:23:14] Hunter: The book started because I really liked the, I really liked the format of reading a little bit of something every day, like where it's just a small thing every day that can keep me on track with my aspirations and inspirations and go with it. So at first I suggested the idea of a 365 day book, and I'm very happy.
That they said, why don't we do 50? And then as I started writing, I was like, oh, thank God, goodness, they said 50 and we didn't do 365. This book goes into it expands from Raising Good Humans and goes into other areas of life. It goes into it goes into kind of like our household and it goes into more specific communication.
It goes into like our schedules and our life and understanding all these sort of different aspects cause there were all these things I wanted to keep raising good humans, like pretty, like very succinct and to the point of the most important things, I think, which were like basically mindfulness practices and skillful communication.
And Raising Good Humans Every Day gives me this format to really expand on it and give people other really practical tools and things that didn't necessarily fit into that very succinct format of raising good humans. And plus it's like fun. It's small. You can fit it in your purse. I like the idea of it just being this like daily inspiration.
Like daily,
[00:24:37] Carla Naumburg: it's like a little hunter in your pocket. And I love that, You can just open it and dig in anywhere, right? Yeah. You can read it straight through, or it really feels like you can dig in anywhere. Now, you did mention something, and I want to be clear for our readers. You mentioned that this sort of builds on Raising Good Humans.
Do readers need to have read Raising Good Humans in order to benefit from your new book, Raising Good Humans Every Day?
[00:25:00] Hunter: No, not at all. It really is something that you can dig into at any point, and there's a lot of really each chapter is its own little accessible point to dive into it so it can be like what you need at that time.
[00:25:11] Carla Naumburg: I totally agree. I totally agree. And I love that about it. One of the many things I love about your writing and teaching, Hunter, is that it is so based in skills and strategies. So there's a lot of ideas out there, right? There's important concepts. But then you also give us really accessible ways, doable ways, for actually practicing them.
Because the magic is in the practice, right? You have to do the thing. I always say mindfulness is like swimming. You can read about it and you can watch YouTube videos about it and you can attend lectures about it, but until you actually do it, until you actually get in the pool or get in the lake or sit down and notice your breathing, you're not really going to understand what it feels like and what the challenges are, and more importantly, what the benefits are.
So I love that you give us the skills and strategies. So some of my favorite chapters, and there are 50 chapters in Raising Mindfulness. Good Humans Every Day. Some of my favorites were number 16, A Better Way to Make Mistakes, and I'm going to just throw out a few titles here to give readers a little, to whet their appetites, but I'm not going to say what it's about because I want your listeners to be intrigued and I want them to go buy the book.
Okay, so number 16, A Better Way to Make Mistakes. Number 22, Grandpa Had It Wrong. Come on. Don't you want to know why Hunter is talking smack about grandpa? I do. I do. I actually know, but you need to go buy the book. Number 25, this one, I Don't Entertain My Kids. Folks, you don't need to entertain your kids and Hunter is going to explain this.
This one, when I learned this idea years ago, was a game changer for me. So number 25, I don't need to entertain my kids. And number 45, that gives me chills. Literally, I have chills right now. Love more. Care less. Seriously, Hunter, that's your third book title right there. Love more. Care less. Like those four words are so powerful and for me, constantly challenging.
What does it mean to love more and care less? And why is that? useful and how can that change our whole approach to parenting? That's the chapter I think that I need to read at least once a week. It's so awesome. I'm not going to ask you to pick a favorite unless you want to because I know when you've written a book that's like picking a favorite child.
But If you want to tell us a favorite, I'd love to hear it. If you don't, because I could imagine that readers will go through this book, right? And some of these practices and ideas will really land deep with them. And some of them, maybe not so much. And that's why it's so awesome that you offered so many.
But for you, do you have a favorite practice or idea in this book? Or if not, can you tell us about one or two of them that seem to come up for you on a regular basis and how that kind of plays out?
[00:27:44] Hunter: One of the chapters you mentioned has one of my favorite ideas, and that's chapter 16, A Better Way to Make Mistakes.
And this has the idea from, again, my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, that it's no mud, no lotus. And I love this idea because the idea is that like the lotus flower is like the symbol of all things good, enlightenment and things like that, but it like grows. in the dark nasty muck in the bottom of a pond and it has to go through the muck and that is what makes it ultimately a beautiful flower and so it's like the same with us like if we're gardeners we know like You need like gross cow poop to make delicious vegetables, right?
We need the gross cow poop and the gross cow poop in this instance is like our mistakes because we are like, there's a, there's a generation of parents who are really wonderfully and beautifully earnest. We love our kids so much. We want to have lifelong relationships with them. And we want to, we don't want to mess them up or them to have years of therapy necessarily later too much.
And so people get into this frame of mind and we, many people are like high achievers and they just go into it wanting to be perfect parents and it's just not possible. And the idea that we can then. I, in fact, I, this is such an important idea that I talk about it a few places in the book.
I talk about that idea another place, but in this chapter, with no mud, no lotus, it's the idea of you're gonna make mistakes. You're gonna yell at your kids. You're gonna do some stuff you don't like. And that's part of being human. It's inevitable. And these mistakes and these challenges and conflicts that you have with your children and with your, with other people, in fact, your relationship with your kids will be better off having had these mistakes and these conflicts than if everything had been smooth sailing all the way through.
And so we need to see our mistakes. as our teachers and see this mud, see this poop as ultimately something that's going to make a more beautiful flower later. It's going to make, it's going to actually ultimately be the fuel that gives you, that helps you to be, maybe to do your mindfulness practice or to do whatever practice in this book resonates with you.
It's going to be the fuel that teaches you how important your relationship is. It's going to be the fuel that, that teaches you, to have compassion for others when they make mistakes, because it's hard to be human being on earth. It also, with this chapter, it's this idea like Brene Brown, she says that vulnerability is the birthplace of all like the good things.
It's the birthplace of creativity, of joy, of belonging. And if we were perfect all the way through we would just be on our high pedestal of perfection judging everyone else, because why on earth would they do these, make these mistakes? Because we didn't make them, right? And our kids would feel inadequate, right?
So we have to have the compost. We have to have the mud. Dear listener, you have to have the mistakes, they're gonna happen you are gonna be, you have to give yourself permission to be human. Because it's going to happen anyway, and what can we do with the suffering and the pain that is part of that?
We can take that pain and we can make it our teacher. And I think that's the best use of that, like we can use it as compost.
[00:31:04] Carla Naumburg: I love this, and it is so true, and it's so hard, right? Because what we're asking, what you and I do, I know because we've talked about this on a regular basis, and what we're asking your readers and listeners to do, is to show up in these really hard, stinky, mucky, awful moments and be curious about them, right?
And that is so painful because when I screw up with my kids, I don't want to think about it. I want to like zone out and watch Succession or whatever. Yeah, I totally watched Succession this morning. It was amazing. And when I do that, I don't gain any information or insight or awareness that will allow me to make a different choice next time.
And so the secret sauce And this is a question that I didn't include in our, that I haven't told you I was going to ask you, Hunter, but I want to talk about it because I think it's important. The secret sauce here that allows us to be present and curious in these really painful moments is compassion.
It's this kindness piece that you talked about, right? If mindfulness is showing up in the present moment with curiosity and compassion or kindness, It's knowing that there will be someone in that moment, a. k. a. us, ourselves who's going to respond to the moment with kindness, with compassion, with forgiveness, with grace.
That allows us to be curious because we're no, we're not going to be total jerks to ourselves. So can you just say a little bit more about that in this moment about compassion and kindness and what that looks like in parenting?
[00:32:31] Hunter: Sure, yeah. I think this is super, super important. It's like the, self compassion.
I teach mindful parenting, right? I teach it as a course, and I teach a teacher training, and the pillars of it are the communication and the mindfulness, but the third is self compassion because, we're inevitably going to be human and mess up. It's not optional. It's part of the package that we have.
Our kids are going to fight stuff is going to happen. And it's going to be hard. It's going to be really, that's inevitable. But so when these things happen, when we mess up, if we do what a lot of us do, right? And we say, Oh, I'm a terrible parent. Or I remember like crying on the floor of my kid's room and, or right outside my kid's room and telling myself I'm a terrible parent, listening to her cry because I'd scared her and saying, Oh my gosh, I'm.
I'm awful, I'm terrible. Ultimately, that doesn't get me anywhere. It leaves me helpless on the floor and then there's nowhere to go from there. Self compassion ultimately is incredibly practical. So if we can start to then be kind to ourselves, offer ourselves compassion, say, Oh my God, this has been incredibly hard.
You have a lot of pressure on yourself. There's not so much support for parents. Like we're all like so many of us are in houses by ourselves for hours on end with these tiny human beings, which is a recipe for insanity, right? If we can be kind to ourselves. Yeah. Then ultimately, it's very practical because when we can have a soft landing, we can get back up again.
And begin anew. And that's really what it takes. It takes to parent with, with kindness and intention and all of that. It really takes, starting again, starting anew again and again. And that takes being kind to ourselves to be able to pick ourselves up if we are harsh and mean to ourselves.
And plus, the other thing is, if we're harsh and mean to ourselves ultimately that voice is going to come out. You live with your kids for like at least 18 years, it is inevitable that your inner voice will ultimately come out to your child. Your child will be aware of it some way or another.
And if you want to model, you want, if you want your child to be kind to themselves, you have to do it to yourself too, right? That can be a motivator too, to just. A, it's practically you can pick yourself up back off the floor again and start anew. But also, B, then you're modeling that for your child.
and you're giving them permission to be human. And so ultimately I think self compassion is incredibly practical and it's something that can be learned and practiced. Even if it feels like the most awkward, horrible thing at first, it can be learned and practiced.
Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
[00:35:17] Carla Naumburg: I think of self compassion as like a language and just like my kids are growing up speaking English because I speak English to them and a kid growing up in Greece will learn to speak Greek from their parents, we can also teach our children how to speak self compassion and the most powerful way to do that is to speak it in front of them.
So I love everything you said and Hunter, I don't know, I can't imagine a parent who can't relate to that feeling of just like crying on the floor and whether or not you've actually cried on the floor. I have, by the way. I think we all know that feeling, and so I'm just so grateful that there are these practices, these things we can actually do and get better at, that will help us get up off the floor.
And that's what parenting is. It's not never falling. It's learning how to get back up after you've fallen, because we're all going to keep falling, right? So I love that. All right, one last question for you. You've been practicing mindfulness for a long time, so a lot of this stuff is second nature for you, and you can talk about it so eloquently and easily, and I know You have a formal practice every day.
And I know, so also know that you incorporate mindfulness into your daily life in less formal ways. But for listeners who are just starting out, and I remember being in this place myself, it can feel really overwhelming to know where to start, like present moment and kindness and curiosity and practice and what am I doing?
So for those listeners who are eager to get started before Raising Good Humans Every Day comes out on August 1st, What practice can you offer them that they could just start with right now? Just one thing really concrete that they can do every day. And what would you choose and why would you choose it?
[00:36:44] Hunter: Sure. One thing I've been really excited is the wrong word, but I've been really into recently is really working, taking a few minutes in the morning before my meditation practice and working with my breath. And I'm going to mention a specific breathing technique because There's so many of us who deal with anxiety, we have anxiety in general or we have anxiety about our kids we you know parenting like postpartum anxiety all of this is like anxiety is like a really big challenge right now and part of anxiety is our nervous system, you know getting a little hyper aroused And we can calm that nervous system so that we can have more access to all of our brain very easily and simply.
So I'm practicing this for five minutes in the morning now, but this can be practiced like with just say four, I would start with maybe four rounds of this breath. And the breath that I re I'm going to recommend that I really is comes from Dr. Andrew Weill, who's the Harvard trained physician. who's a very holistic practitioner, and he recommends a four, it's called four, seven, eight breath.
And all you do to do it is you take a big inhale for a count of four, you hold your breath for a count of seven. You don't have to hold your breath, that, that can be an optional part if that freaks you out, don't do that part. But then you exhale for a count of eight. So we can try. Do you want to try it, Carla?
[00:38:34] Carla Naumburg: I totally just did it while you were describing it, but let's do it together now.
[00:38:37] Hunter: Let's all do it. Everybody, we're all going to do it together. Ready? One, two, three. Inhale for four. Two, three, four. Hold. Two, three, four, five, six, seven. And then exhale for eight. Four, five, six, seven, eight. And you, I would say do that for four times and you may notice that's a little harder to exhale for eight, like it's.
But what it's doing is it's like cool body hack that is making you exhale longer, which is putting, because each inhale you take is a mini fight, flight, or freeze stress response, and each exhale is a mini rest and relax response in your body. So it's a little body hack to put your body into, out of the stress response, into the rest and relax response.
And I know for people with anxiety, practicing a longer exhale like that for a few minutes every day can be really game changing and can be just a way for you to practice. Pausing and then maybe, you can, so that is a practice that I would recommend that I've been really excited about lately, especially with people who deal with anxiety that I've been working with.
[00:39:48] Carla Naumburg: So I'll confess, when I first heard you say, we're going to count the breathing, I noticed myself getting a little anxious because I have a history of asthma. and often breathing exercises where I have to hold my breath are very hard and stressful. But I actually just did that twice with you. I did it once while you were describing it and then I did it when we all did it together.
And it did not feel hard or stressful and I feel better. So I'm excited to try this out too. So thank you, Hunter. That was surprisingly awesome. I did not expect that. I expected an awesome practice for you, but then I got anxious and then I got not anxious. So welcome to my world, people.
[00:40:23] Hunter: Can I do one more? I want to do one more. Oh my gosh, yes, let's do it. Let's do it. Okay. The other one is, we talked about pause earlier, right? Being able to pause and that whole thing. And I remember being like a young parent and all the like good parenting coaches, they would say step one, pause.
And I'd be like, do that. But you can practice it in the good moments. And that's just my other kind of like quick hack that you can try. is just practice a breath before you respond to your kids about snack or getting to the car or whatever, like just normal, everyday, non stressful times. So just practice it a few times a day here and there.
When you absolutely don't need to pause, but just practice it just so you get in the habit of kind of building your muscle to be able to pause when it's harder.
[00:41:14] Carla Naumburg: Oh, I love this because I feel like what often happens and what I have been guilty of myself is we go and listen to some very wise person off and all these offer all these ideas on a podcast or at a lecture or whatever it is and then we're like, Oh, I'm definitely going to do that.
And then we go home and we definitely do not do that because we're overwhelmed and stressed out and whatever. And then the difficult moment comes, and either we totally forget about these great ideas we learned, or our stressed out brain is like, what was that thing I was supposed to do? Am I supposed to be breathing?
And then we get stressed about not being able to remember. So I love this idea of practicing when it's easy, so we have the strategy available to us when it's hard. So it's just, you're suggesting just, In any moment, any calm moment, any good moment, any neutral moment, any moment, when you are about to react or respond to your child, just take a breath and then respond.
Love it. I love it. Okay. Hunter, now we're going to do this handy wrap up thing that you always do for me. If readers and listeners would like to learn more about your books, Hunter, where can they go for more information, not only about Your current bestseller, Raising Good Humans, but also about your forthcoming book, Raising Good Humans Every Day, which will be available on August 1st, 2023, and is available for pre order now.
Where can readers and listeners go to learn more about your books and all the amazing things you do?
[00:42:40] Hunter: Everything is at MindfulMamaMentor.com. You can find the books, the Mindful Parenting course, the Mindful Mama podcast. Everything there.
[00:42:48] Carla Naumburg: Go to your independent bookstore. Many people don't realize you can pre order at your independent bookstores.
So pre order your books, listen to Hunter's podcast, and don't forget to breathe, folks, and thank you for joining us on The Summit.
[00:43:06] Hunter: Thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you liked it, I would love to know. Please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in it @MindfulMamaMentor. Let me know, what you liked about it. And I'd love to reach out and just, say, Hey, and give you a shout out. So please do that.
And if you appreciate this episode, share it with your friends. I guess if you're sharing on stories, you're sharing it with your friends. So that would be great. I would love to I you think about this and I'm so excited about this book. So I hope you're excited too. I wrote it for you. I always think of my podcast listeners and I want to make things that are really easy for you to digest and to make change and transform things in a super easy way.
So that's what I'm going for and I hope it comes up to you. Hey, I wish you a great week. I hope that you. Get to relax, get to have fun, get to focus, get to water your good seeds and I hope that this podcast, listening to this, has watered your good seeds and watered your seeds of peace and joy and compassion.
And all of those things I know is super hard, it's incredibly hard to go through this journey and, I wish we had more support and I hope this supports you. I hope that comes through, what I say in this podcast, because from my heart to your heart, I really do want to. support you because I know it's incredibly hard.
So I'm wishing you all the good things this week and I'll be back next week. Thank you so much for listening. Namaste.
[00:44:51] Mindful Mama Member: I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate better and just, I'd say, communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse. It's been really a positive influence in our lives. So definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it. It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much benefit from being a better parent to your children and feeling like you're connecting more with them and not feeling like you're yelling all the time or you're like, why isn't things working? I would say definitely do it. It's so worth it. It'll change you. No matter what age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's a great investment in someone's life. I'm very thankful I have this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working, or you can learn some new tools and gain some perspective to shift everything in your parenting.
[00:45:55] Hunter: Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies, but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with too much to learn? Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clarke-Fields and if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting membership. You will be joining hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class.
This is an opportunity to really discover your unique, lasting relationship. Not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting, connected relationships. Not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. Go to mindfulparentingcourse.com to add your name to the waitlist. So you will be the first to be notified when I open the membership for enrollment. I look forward to seeing you on the inside. mindfulparentingcourse.com
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