Jason Kreidman
How can you encourage your husband to be more involved and take a more active role in parenting? Jason Kreidman, the founder of Dad University, gives us some powerful advice for getting and keeping your husband engaged.
Relisten: What Do Dads Need? - Jason Kreidman (281) [482]
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[00:00:00] Hunter: Hey there, it's Hunter, and welcome to Throwback Thursday. Most Thursdays, we are going to re release one of my favorite episodes from the archives. So unless you're a longtime listener of the show, there's a good chance you haven't heard this one yet. And even if you had, chances are that you are going to get something new listening to it this time around.
[00:00:17] Jason: I think just start small. It doesn't have to be overwhelming. Just taking a small step. is a big deal, you know, and that may be just practicing empathy or just practicing a little more gratitude.
[00:00:36] Hunter: You're listening to the Mindful Mama podcast, episode number 281. Today we're talking about what do dads need with Jason Creedman.
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. I'm Mindful Parenting, We know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clark Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course. And I'm the author of the international bestseller, Raising Good Humans, and now Raising Good Humans Every Day, 50 Simple Ways to Press Pause, Stay Present, and Connect with Your Kids. Hello and welcome. I'm so glad you're here today.
If you're new, a very special welcome to you. So glad to connect with you today. And if you are a longtime listener, I'm so glad to be back and hanging with you, my friend. This is a very special episode for the dads, For everyone. But especially for the dads, I want to talk to the dads, give the dads some stuff for Father's Day.
To celebrate Father's Day this year is kind of our special episode for that. And you're definitely going to enjoy this episode. In just a moment, I'm going to be sitting down with Jason Creedman, founder of Dad University, an educational company dedicated to helping dads gain confidence in their parenting.
And we are going to be talking about how you, if you are a partner to a dad, can encourage dads to be more involved and take a more active role in parenting. We're going to be talking about how dads can really get engaged, and if you're a mom married or partnered with a dad, how can you help get your husband engaged?
So, Listen for some important takeaways, we're going to talk about really how to parent with efficacy, like how to be effective, how to be efficient, and how to be empathetic. And then, you know, we're going to talk about actually what is more effective. Is keeping score or showing gratitude more effective?
It's really interesting to think about that. And I want you to listen for starting small and just focusing on practicing one thing at a time. So there is so much to take away here. I'm so glad that you're here to dive into this. All right, let's dive into this awesome episode. Join me at the table as I talk to Jason Krietman.
Thanks so much for coming on the Mindful Mama podcast, Jason.
[00:03:24] Jason: Oh, thanks for having me.
[00:03:26] Hunter: I'm glad to have you. Um, you run DAD University, right? So I'm really curious about this. What I'm, what I'm curious about with DAD University is I'm curious about your, your own father and your own parenting and, you know, was there, did you perceive that there was something like, did you perceive that there was something missing there that you didn't get from your own dad?
I'm just curious about that.
[00:03:55] Jason: Actually, no. Um, I would consider what I had an excellent upbringing. I, uh, really close family, siblings, my parents were together for years. Um, my, you know, my mom had passed away, um, about 11 or so years ago. Um, and if anything, she was sort of the driver of the parenting, you know, using a lot of these techniques and such.
And so I learned a tremendous amount just, you By osmosis of watching her. And then my dad, who was very supportive and involved. And what was interesting was as I became a parent, it felt like none of that matters, um, you know, I guess I had an advantage that I had felt like I had a good foundation, but the truth is, is that.
I still didn't know what to do. You know, I was stressed and overwhelmed and had anxiety about my children. And so it's not like the fact that I felt like I was parented well, like tremendously prepared me to have my own children because it was very situational. Um, You know, time is a little different, you know, like when they grew up or when I grew up and when they're growing up.
So, you know, I look back at my childhood very fondly, but I don't know. I, I, I guess it's hard cause I don't know the alternative. Um, but in the end, you know, no, go ahead.
[00:05:18] Hunter: Do you think they were like, would you say they were like authoritarian? Were they permissive? Kind of, what was their style? They had, no, it was, um,
[00:05:31] Jason: I would say my dad was a little more authoritarian, but not really. I mean, they were both authoritative. They, my mom was about mindfulness and my mom was a, you know, relationship coach and counselor and, um, very, very successful person in that field. And so I grew up sort of with the um, motivational, you know, mindset.
I was, you know, listening to Tony Robbins in 7th and 8th grade. Oh
[00:05:57] Hunter: my gosh. You
[00:05:57] Jason: know, um, you know, funny, funny story was my, I had a car when I was, you know, 16. And, it was a couple of years after I had gotten my car and, I had Tony Robbins cassette tapes in the trunk and my car got broken into and everything got taken.
I mean, like the stereo ripped out, just everything. And they left the Tony Robbins tapes. And I thought, you know, that's interesting. That would have been something I thought that person needed. Um, but so even from a very early age, I, I was into mindfulness. I was into motivation. I was into Just seeking. Um, so I don't know what I became a parent.
If like there was anything specific that I felt like missing that I was like, okay, my dad didn't do that. So I better learn this. I think it was just generally as a whole, um, to really understand techniques and communication and some of these things and just really honing in on my skills. So if anything, maybe my parents gave me the curiosity, you know, and that, that idea to be a seeker.
Maybe that's what they gave me, you know, and, uh, but also, you know, some, um, humility to know that I didn't know what I was doing, even though I had all this background, I, it still didn't matter, you know, even to this day with all the stuff I am doing and all the ice, there's still so much, you know, and I make mistakes and I acknowledge that.
And, um, so I think it's just, uh, Yeah, I mean, I love my parents, but I wasn't all ready for it, you know, I wasn't ready for parenting.
[00:07:37] Hunter: I think it's like a shock to the system no matter what. But I also have to say, Jason, that's like so California. Like we talked about California, your mom being in a relationship, you know, person and listening to Tony Robbins when you're like seventh grade.
It's like, so great. I love that. I love you, Kenneth, again.
[00:08:00] Jason: Well, there definitely was, like, you know, the self improvement part was big. Um, well, I will say though, it's interesting, because My surroundings weren't. I mean, like, none of my friends were listening to this or that understood it. So, like, what, it's interesting that you, you know, the perception, obviously, um, like we were, like, all of us, you know, teenagers going to a Tony Robbins.
[00:08:20] Hunter: That was not happening.
[00:08:23] Jason: I think I was a little unique in that. I, um, there wasn't a lot of my peers who were interested in that, you know, uh, maybe I was hanging with the wrong crowd, but. So, yeah, but I'll take it. I mean, California, I'm a proud Californian. So, yeah.
[00:08:40] Hunter: No, no, I think, I think it's great. So, so you.
You know, you come, well, then what compels you to come, you were, you were struggling as yourself as a dad and that you had some, some learning to do for yourself as a dad, and that was probably like a big incentive for you to create the dad university. What do you see as some of the, what, like for the dads who are a little more like unaware at this point, what do you, what do you see as some of the mistakes and the challenges, the mistakes that dads are making and they, that they may not even be aware of?
[00:09:16] Jason: Well, it's interesting that a majority of at least the people who are like, you know, cause my biggest platform is YouTube. And so a lot of the crowd is younger. Um, you know, so it's first time dads, it's, you know, brand new young in a more younger people that are having the children that are finding me. A lot of what they're interested in is just very tactical.
I mean, it's like, how do you change a baby? How do you burp a baby? How do you, you know, like, they're not, and especially when somebody's a new dad, they're not thinking about parenting and, you know, the techniques of parenting. So, I kind of get them in early, you know, and they, they listen to the material.
Then with the idea that, you know, as they progress and their children get a little older, they'll then kind of be in that mindset that like, Oh, I should seek some more information out. Um, you know, the, so the majority of challenges that I have with the course that they ask about are the transition. You know, it's the transition from going Which I used to have this as my podcast name, but I'm going from a dude to a dad, you know, it's like they're a single guy, they either get married or have a relationship, they, they then have a child, you know, that's quite a drastic change and all of the things that come with that.
So that's a lot of what I focus on is like, how do you get through that change? How do you understand the changes that are happening to you, to your partner? Um, so I don't focus a ton on the tactical like, well if your baby's doing this, what do you do? Or if, you know, a lot of what I talk about is how as a person can you get through these challenges and learn and, you know, because that's, that was my, you know, You know, zero to hero journey.
You know, I was stressed and overworked and anxiety. I know I was a yeller and, and I kinda just worked really hard to change those things and to evolve, um, to hopefully be a better father as a result, you know.
[00:11:30] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
How did you, how did you slow down or stop your yelling?
[00:11:42] Jason: Um, I just learned that it wasn't that effective. You know, that was probably the
[00:11:45] Hunter: Truly.
[00:11:45] Jason: The biggest thing. Um, my, my career was as, you know, primarily before this, my career as an, as an optimizer. You know, I do, um, optimizing a website or optimizing online.
And so As a marketer, I'm always looking for more efficient and effective ways of doing things. And I kind of did the same thing with parenting. I was yelling and getting upset and saying like, this isn't working. Like, why do I keep doing this? You know? And my wife is a great communicator and so would approach me in a very positive way.
The thing she'd always say is like, how's that working for you? You know? And We're able to communicate like that. And, and I just, I think realizing that it wasn't working, you know, I wasn't getting the results that I wanted and, and figuring out, Hey, that's not going to be that great for kids, you know? And so, yeah, I learned, I mean, I learned to meditate more, practice gratitude, breathing techniques.
There's a lot, I'm still high strung, no question. And you can sure gather that. But, um, yeah. My energy level's high, but at the same time, when I deal with them, it's different. And it's much different. And. You know, and I think as the chaos of like baby and toddlerism transitioned and I was able to communicate with them, I just learned more efficient and effective ways of doing it.
[00:13:15] Hunter: I think what you're kind of pointing to here is the idea, and I love the idea of like approaches, approaching it that from an efficiency angle because it's so true that yelling is like completely counterproductive. It's not helpful at all. But I love the, the idea of looking at. What are you bringing to the table?
What, you know, rather than like, okay, like, what's wrong with these kids? Like, what am I bringing to the table? What's this energy that I'm bringing to the table? Would you say that's something that I, I mean, I'm, cause I'm, I'm imagining, you know, the dads who are not quite so clued in yet. Who may say like, you know, it's these kids, they're driving me crazy.
I gotta figure out how to like fix them and whatnot. And what you're pointing to is like, well, what is, what am I bringing? Right? And is this, is this one of the shifts in perspectives that you invite dads into?
[00:14:15] Jason: Yeah, it, it's the, probably the biggest shift, um, I use the word empathy, like, in that alone of like, looking at it from the other person's perspective.
And you know, like, what are they going through? And what are they dealing with? When I started to shift and look at things from my children's perspective, from my wife's perspective, it completely changed how I deal with everything. And also taking responsibility for myself, and my actions, and my feelings, and my emotions.
Everything is about ourselves. And so as I dive in deeper and do it Do this more. It just becomes so apparent of like life is a choice, you know, and I was giving an example. Actually, I was talking with my assistant about a response that I got from, uh, from a situation where the person was so upset at the situation at hand that it, it wasn't even, um, you, you, if you knew this and you take a step back, you can see that this had nothing to do with me, you know, now.
In my old world of my own mind, I would have come back at this person, yelled back at them, had an argument. And instead, I just said, I'm really sorry that that upset you, that was not my intention, you know, how can we fix this? Like, that's so much better for me, you know, and so when I realized that, that all of this was just easier for me to deal with, you know, as an optimizer and efficiency, I'm like, wow, I don't have to have that anger in me, I don't have to have the angst.
And it's simply a matter of just me taking responsibility for the fact that maybe I did say something that was not okay. Maybe this person's going through something and, and it's just a different approach in general. And so I think, you know, yeah, what you were saying, it's like, um, how do I show up for my children?
You know, my children acting crazy and being loud. I can decide, is that going to bother me? Or do I know that the child, the children either need something or they're in a situation, I can look at it differently. And I wasn't able to do that. You know, I just, I just wasn't, I didn't have that capability. And after practice and practice, it's like, it's like a superpower.
[00:16:47] Hunter: What you're describing takes a lot of self awareness, right? It, it takes us getting out of that stress response, out of that fight, flight, or freeze, like, you know, train that's going 90 miles an hour in one direction. and taking a step back into perspective. You know, uh, that, and I love this idea of taking responsibility and you said that life is a choice and I think that That is true in some circumstances, but is not true for a lot of people.
I think that for a lot of people, life is autopilot. Life is not a choice. Life is, life is, there's no choices that are, there are no conscious choices that are being made. It's just autopilot, autopilot, autopilot, and I'm acting on habit. I'm acting on what I've been conditioned to act on. So, How it, now I know for you, you know, you mentioned meditation, so I know that's in there, in the soup for you, like for, for getting into this place of self awareness.
How do you invite dads to, to be able to step back into that place of self awareness? Cause that seems to me to be the key to say, to taking responsibility, to seeing from the other person's point of view.
[00:17:59] Jason: Yeah, you know, people make decisions based on fear and greed. Um, and I find that, you know, with men, parenting isn't often painful enough.
And it's, you know, I, I say that, but it, it is. It's, it, until they get to a certain point, And so where I'm going with this is that it's often difficult to convince somebody to be self aware, you know, that, it's not, you know, they have to want it, they have to feel like there's something better on the other side.
So my job is to either say, Hey, listen, it's going to be easier for you and that's the greed part, or, Hey, you're going to probably screw up your kids. There's a fear part, you know, there's, so there's different elements of how they're making decisions and obviously everybody makes decisions in a different way, but.
Oftentimes, I find that men are sort of numb to all of this because it's not painful enough, um, or they're not seeing the reward enough, you know, like, okay, cool, like, I, there's a baby there, but it's like, it's not that rewarding for me, so like, why would, I mean, I'm just saying what might go through my head, like, I won't, I don't need to pay that much attention to it.
Then there are other men who are like, oh, wow, I mean, I spend every minute I can with this child, and I do as much as I can, so. It is hard to convince men that this is important. It just, you know, I
[00:19:29] Hunter: know
[00:19:30] Jason: I make, I make a video on empathy. It doesn't do very well. You know, I make a video about gratitude. It doesn't do very well.
I don't care. I think it's important information. So it's not, I'm not counting the views, but if I go back and I look at the analytics, they're just, they don't care about those subjects where it is. I say, You know, hey, how to be more intimate with your wife. Oh, they better book. You better believe they'll click on that.
Or if I say, you know, hey, how to get your toddler to not do a tantrum, they'll click on that because it's more painful. And so it's these triggers, you know, these triggers are what cause people to take action. So I'm learning a ton too, of just, You know, what triggers people and what really motivates them to want to learn.
And I, I have found that it just, it's very difficult to try to convince someone. So I don't, I don't know that I do a lot of convincing. I kind of put the information out there and say, Hey, listen, I think this is valuable. I think it would be valuable for you. If you were interested, check it out. If you're not, then, you know, I'm not going to beg.
[00:20:37] Hunter: Yeah. I mean, this is so interesting. Cause like, I'm thinking about like, There's so many women in the Mindful Parenting membership, and they're, they're, one of the biggest frustrations is Like, I want to get my partner on board. Like, I don't want to be using threats. I don't want to be spanking. I don't want to be doing all those things.
I want to be using this skillful communication. I want to be, you know, have a better, better relationship than my kids. And then my partner's going and saying, if you don't do this right now, you've got to go to your room and I'm going to, you know, whatever. And so they're worried that that's like undermining.
this work that they're doing. And, you know, on one hand, I, I totally understand that because we're so much better when we work as a team. But on the other hand, I feel like, well, what are you going to do? You can do what he does, which you know is not as skillful. You know what I mean? Like, A lot of times what happens is the, the partner or the husband has to say, Oh, wow, look, those kids are responding to you a lot better than they're responding to me.
And then they start to start to change things. So, um, but I, I think it's really interesting, this idea that parenting isn't painful enough for men that they have to want it. Like there's like, there's like how, you know, there's, what is that motivating factor? It isn't painful enough. So, what are some of the pain points that you, you, you tell men to, to watch out for in their future that, that if they follow an unskillful path?
[00:22:09] Jason: Yeah, well, the dis, the discipline part of, you know, the, I think men do have a fear of their child being, like, Not a good member of society, you know, that's a real fear that men say. And so, like, that's a common thing with it. Well, I just don't want my child to be a delinquent. I don't want them to go to jail.
I don't want them to get in trouble. You know, I don't like to market by fear. It's not like I don't like that idea. So for me, you know, I definitely though, go down, there are some paths to go down about women encouraging their men or how they can encourage them to be more involved and to, um, take more of an active role.
So I mean, we can talk about some of those things because I think that's, that's, that's Let's go there, yeah! I think that's
[00:23:01] Hunter: helpful. Yeah, that sounds important!
[00:23:03] Jason: Um, I would say, so there's a couple, one of them is positive reinforcement. So you know, as you know with children, you know, positive reinforcement and showing that gratitude is powerful.
So when You know, the husband does something, even if it is small and doesn't quote, deserve to be recognized in some people's eyes, recognizing it because you want that behavior to happen again is worth it. So, Oh, you know what, honey, thank you so much for picking the kids up at school today. That was just really, really helpful.
You know, instead of Well, he shouldn't be picking up the kids. I do it four times a week, he only does it one time a week. Like, having that sort of gratitude mindset of like, reinforcing it and saying, you know what? Or, thank you so much for doing this or, like I said, so much of the time we just say, well, they shouldn't do that.
I spend more time, like, there's this, like, balance and like, uh, uh, you know, keeping score.
[00:24:06] Hunter: Yeah.
[00:24:06] Jason: And, you gotta cut that out. A man is not going to respond from whining, complaining. Either do women. I mean, you know, a woman doesn't want to hear the man complaining. It's just, it's not an attractive thing. None of us want to hear it.
So complaints are probably the worst thing that you could do. You know, complaining to your man about how he's not doing something is not going to get him to want to do something for you. You know, um, it's the last thing he's going to be like, forget it. I don't want to do this. So I think that showing that gratitude and the positive reinforcement.
Um, the other I find, and I've been on some podcasts with women and they, some agree, Um, some don't is there's more than one way to do something and whether it is getting the child dressed, whether it is doing the dishwasher, whether it doesn't matter what it is, there is your way and then there's another person's and it's not always perfect.
It's not always the same. If the man or your partner or whatever is contributing. In his way, reinforce that. So the idea is like, understand that there is more than one way to do it. In other words, I have found situations where a guy will come to me and be like, Listen, my wife criticized me because I'm not even doing this right.
Or it's not the way, you know, like, it makes me not want to do it. You know, and the fact that, I'll just give it, you know, this is a minimal example, but like doing the dishwasher, you know, and it's like, you can't even, you don't put the things right. Like, this is the way that it needs to be. You know, I mean, put the dishes here and like he's doing it, he's doing the dishwasher.
We do the same thing with our kids, you know, I, I don't want to criticize my child doing the dishwasher. They're doing the dishwasher. Like, I, I just don't want to criticize them. So, I think men often feel like the skill or the contribution they're making as it relates to the children in the home. isn't good enough or isn't, um, yeah, isn't up to her standards in a way.
Um, and, and, you know, sometimes that's vice versa, but I, I think that that, that's another one. So, you know, the positive reinforcement, the gratitude, um, those, I mean, those are really big.
[00:26:40] Hunter: I, I like that you say that, like that there's more than one way to do something, because I think that's true. And also that, you know, if you have a certain style of interacting with your kids.
You know, it's okay for your partner to have a different style of interacting with your kids. And kids are resilient and they're flexible and they learn people like people are good at learning people. And so they are going to learn like this works with dad, this works with mom. And I think that's so important.
I kind of look at like that idea of like the united front in some ways as like one of the biggest, like most annoying. Things that United States pediatricians have foisted upon us generation of parents, because the truth is we're not always like, it's first of all, A, it's like a war metaphor, which is like dumb.
I don't think war metaphors should be applied to parenting. I'm sorry. Like, it's not that they're not battles. They're not, you know, we don't have to have a united front. But also, like, we're not it. always, you know, we don't feel the same way as each other all the time. Like, and if we then pretend to be falsely united, then we're like, we're lying.
Right. And our kids can kind of see through that if we're not really, do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I like to argue it. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah.
[00:28:01] Jason: So agreed that, you know, lying or feel like, You know, you don't want to, uh, give up your point of view and give up, like, your opinion, you know, and you should obviously be heard.
What I do find, though, is, and at least from the perspective when I talk with a lot of guys is, And I just, in fact, I just put out a video about this, about like that she wants to feel supported. And so not supporting her is not a good idea. So that's, and so that's where the United Front sometimes is valuable.
And when you have issue with what's being done or what's being said, you don't have to argue that point in front of the children. In other words, you know, she's saying, Hey, I don't want this going on. I don't want this happening. And you told her, cause this happens with my wife. So we have very. Like a lot of things we agree on, but there are differences with how we approach.
She's much more fun and like, you know, relaxed about things and like, but the kids I've learned to appreciate that, you know, I'm the rule guy on the regimented on the, you know, Ben time and all, and, and she's not as much. And so. But what happens is, is like, I'm not going to argue with her about something in front of them that she's trying to put forth.
So in other words, I might, you know, afterwards say, Hey, you know what, honey, I, I just wanted to talk about that situation. I wasn't, I, I disagree with, you know, and so I still get my voice out. I still get opinionated, but that. What happens is I have found that the children will then, they know mom will do this, dad will do that, and they'll actually work them against each other and manipulate.
So I think there's kind of room.
[00:29:46] Hunter: Yeah, I think, and seriously, like there's a middle path here, right? Like, we don't want to be We don't want to say, you know, oh, I completely agree with this path or whatever when we actually don't because that's, that's lying and that, that leads our kids not to trust us.
But, but yeah, like there's a middle path between that and not supporting each other. Exactly. Like there are conversations that we can have privately and things like that. So, um,
[00:30:12] Jason: yeah. It's just funny. I actually use the term united front, what I was, what I was saying. So then, but I, I totally understand what you're saying.
Cause it's. It's, um, you want the children to appreciate that the parents might be different, you know, like, Mm-Hmm. And that's okay. And we celebrate that. And like, my kids know, they'll be like, oh, well mom would never wanna do that. You know, or, or, you know, but then they'll say, oh, but, or Mom will be totally into this, but dad, you won't.
You know? And so there is an appreciation, but when it comes to things like discipline and rules and those kinds of elements. We try to really support. So even if, you know, my wife will say something in that moment, I will support her and say, Hey, well, that's what your mom's deciding to do.
[00:31:00] Hunter: And
[00:31:02] Jason: that's how I'll leave it, and then I'll have a discussion.
You know, whatever you want to call it, afterwards. Like, how could you make that decision? You know, um, but it goes back to that same thing about the appreciation for the way things are being done. And the fact that we don't make decisions the same way. We don't, you know, you have to, I think, agree in general on how you parent.
But, there are going to be differences. You know, there are going to be differences and it's just how, you know, how do you handle a situation?
[00:31:41] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcast right after this break.
So if a woman's encouraging, uh, dad to like be more involved, we're going to be like encouraging that, that positive reinforcement, we know all about that. And then there's like, what, I kind of think what you're pointing to with this idea of there's more than one way to do something is like, let's, let's, let's Accept our partner for who that person is, rather than trying to necessarily shape and mold things.
What I would say to people is that as you start to like learn new skills and new language, your partner is going to be like, well, what are you doing? Right? They're going to start to get curious and start to get interested. And I've seen that happen again and again and again and again and again. Right? So I think, I think that that, that really happens.
What are some of the skills that, what are some of the skills that dads need? Say you have a new dad, a dad who's like, I'm starting to have like a toddler, starting to move out of that how do I diaper phase and into that I'm actually like parenting my child phase. What are some of the skills that, that dads are needing that they may not even realize?
[00:32:57] Jason: So a couple of things are probably really stand out for me. The one is to not take things personal. Um, you know, we men have a big ego. I'll just admit it, you know, maybe if maybe other men don't, um, so we often take things personally and whether it's from our spouse or it's from the child, you know, but like a three year old is not trying to ruin your life.
Like they're just not there. Yeah, they're trying to just understand what the heck is going on right now. Um, you know, it may feel like they're trying to ruin your life, but they're not, you know, and so even whether whether it's talking back, whether it's just defiance, it's whether it's like, Not listening.
It doesn't matter. They just don't know what to do and they're learning. And so, the biggest, or one of the biggest things is just not taking that personal and really taking the step back and be like, okay, this is a toddler. They have no idea what they're talking about. They have no idea what they're doing.
Let me use that reference, you know? The
[00:33:57] Hunter: brain's like completely undeveloped here. Totally.
[00:34:01] Jason: Yeah, we're using a 30 to 50 year old brain, whatever your age, it's like, we're using our brains that's fully developed into this little thing that has no idea. So that's a big one. It's just not taking it personally.
Um, the other is what I said before about probably the biggest change for me in parenting and in my relationship is empathy. And I think men in general aren't very empathetic. We don't often put ourselves in the place of our spouse or our children. And so, I teach this a lot, and it's basically like, you know, if you're thinking about three year old is crying, you put yourself in the place of the three year old.
Instead of looking at it from your grown man perspective, you're looking at it and going, well, you know what, if I was three years old and I was tired, I'd probably want a cookie too. And I would probably complain also. And when you're empathetic, your response totally changes. You know, you're like, oh, okay, you know what, let me, let me, let me try this.
Or, you know, you're typically softer, you're typically more understanding, you know. That's what the child often needs is like for you to just understand this is scary or this is crazy or I don't like this or this is not my routine or whatever it is. And so empathy has been game changer for me. I mean like I, I was in a self-development class years ago, and we started talking about empathy, and I'm like, I can't believe that I've, like, missed out on this whole thing.
Like, this would've saved me years of discussions with my wife, you know, um, of arguments and such. And then was the little toler, same thing. Like, wow, they're struggling, right? Like they're, they're trying to communicate or they're upset, or like, this has enough, one has nothing to do with me, it's not mine.
You know, they're not trying to piss me off. And then two, this thing doesn't really know. So those are, you know, those are really big ones. Yeah.
[00:36:07] Hunter: And that's simply more effective. You know, to say, you know, to point to where you're, you know, Talking about before, because it's just so much more effective to address a kid who's struggling and, and whatever with some softness, some kindness, some compassion.
It's just going to get you out the door faster, get you into bed faster, all of those things. It's much more effective too.
[00:36:32] Jason: Yeah.
[00:36:32] Hunter: The, the, the, the losing it doesn't work so well.
[00:36:37] Jason: You know, and then the other, which is kind of related to all of them, is patience. I mean, just practice your patience. And I, by nature, was not a patient guy.
Just not. Like I, I, I, I move fast, talk fast, do things fast, like everything is fast. So patience was not my best quality. And as much as I meditate, as much as I try to slow things down, you know, I had to learn patience. And my wife is Tremendously more patient than I am. And so just looking at how she does some things, the cues that she takes, and me slowing down, I, I've just had to learn to be more patient with my children.
And as a result, that's helped me, you know, I'm not in such a hurry to do X, Y, Z, or why don't, why didn't they, I just told them three minutes ago to do this. Why hasn't it been done? You know what I mean? Like, Literally those kinds of things would come out of my mouth. And
[00:37:35] Hunter: I'm so with you, Jason, because I'm that person in my relationship with my husband.
I'm that person. I have to check myself like, right. My kids are not robots. Like I have to allow them some time, but yeah, it's like
[00:37:50] Jason: no. And, and a story I tell is I was, I had learned this like idea and like practicing this patience. And I was with my son at the time and he was probably two or something in the bath.
And I said, okay, get out. And he didn't get out. And I had learned about the patient stuff. And he said, just wait a little bit longer. I said, and normally I would have said, get out now. Like we need to, you know, after a couple of times. So I just sat there and literally 10 seconds later, he got up and was ready to get out.
And I said, he, so he heard me. He totally heard me. He knew he needs to get out of the bath. And granted, sometimes that doesn't work. We've done the same routine every time. And he knew it was just that I wasn't patient enough. And so I lose my patience too quickly. And so I just now wait longer to lose my patience.
[00:38:43] Hunter: I bet that was the longest 10 seconds.
[00:38:45] Jason: Oh, yeah. I, I, you know, I remember I was like, okay, we're gonna get out. We're getting out of the bath and then just like tapping the fingers, you know, and then just waiting and waiting and Um, yeah, and even with my wife who I, in the past, if we're getting ready for something, I'd be like, okay, let's go.
You know, I'm in the car, ready to go. And I would, you know, come back and be like, hey, it's time to go. Like, we're going to be late. You know, she knows now and I've learned. I did this once we were going to a wedding and I didn't say anything. I just sat. I think I like picked up a book or something. She came into the car and just gave me the best kiss ever.
And just said, thank you for not saying. And it was like, so she knows positive reinforcement, you know, like, and you better believe the next time we had to go somewhere, I was waiting and I was waiting patient, um, I was waiting for the kiss again. And, um, it was like, Oh, the same result. Like she knows she needs to hurry.
It's just, what did that help me getting all crazy about? And so those kinds of things have happened over time and practice. And, you know, I, you know, I'm not a spiritual, uh, meditation, calm guru, but I'm definitely a lot more patient with those kinds of things that I've ever been. So it's helped me, you know.
[00:40:20] Hunter: You have been practicing your patience. You've been, um, you know, working on your empathy and connect, you know, and all those things will help you connect with your children more deeply. What would you say has been some of the payoff from doing some of this work?
[00:40:42] Jason: Um, well, the payoff for sure has been also that my children now have these skills.
And so I, I'd say probably that's the best payoff is, you know, my I'd love to feel like my children are, you know, pretty emotionally intelligent and like they understand the concepts of empathy and gratitude because I teach them. And so I, you know, I try to practice what I preach. And, and so we talk about those things, you know, and we talk about how important these things are.
And so, you know, and I see like my son even having some of the same sort of tendencies that I do of, you know, sort of a little bit high, strong, a little bit. You know, um, type A But then understanding that, hey, there's some things I got to do. I got to slow down. I have to do that. So, you know, to answer your question, I think it's just seeing these kinds of skills in my children that is going to benefit them.
You know, I just learned way too late. You know, they're, they're learning this stuff early. So, I mean, I could have maybe avoided a little bit of gray hair. Um, but they're hopefully, you know, they're, they're learning it a lot earlier than I did.
[00:41:54] Hunter: How old are they now?
[00:41:55] Jason: Uh, son is 12 and daughter's 10.
[00:41:59] Hunter: I have an 11 year old and 14 year old.
[00:42:02] Jason: Yeah.
[00:42:02] Hunter: So I imagine some of your hope is that you're kind of avoid some, uh, like, I, I hate you, uh, this is strife, I want to run away from home, teen rebellion stuff.
[00:42:14] Jason: Uh, yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm ready for it. I, you know, I've got, My, uh, my, my sort of skills, I'm honing in those skills of, you know, the teen years and I've been learning and practicing and studying and, um, and accepting of the fact that I'm going to make a lot of mistakes, but we, you know, we have really good communication.
And so, and also, you know, understanding that like they're, they're okay. They're allowed to mess up too, you know? And, and. You know, my, my kids will, I mean, even especially my son will say like, you know, Hey, you think he's pretty crazy now waiting a couple of years. So I have a full fledged team, you know, like, so he's, he's even aware a little bit, you know, the chaos that ensues, you know, with that and the hormones.
And so we talk pretty openly. We've just had that and. You know, my wife's really good about that too. And so she's a nurse. So those kinds of things, just she's, you know, any sort of the physical and the emotional, like I, I do a lot of the emotional stuff. She does a lot of the physical stuff. And so it works really well, you know, good combo.
[00:43:24] Hunter: Um, Is there anything, Jason, that we didn't cover that you think would be important for maybe, you know, I'm picturing like the dads of the Mindful Parenting members listening to this episode and, and things that they, that they may, you may want them to hear.
[00:43:40] Jason: I think just start small, you know, it doesn't have to be overwhelming, you know, just taking a small step.
is a big deal, you know, and that may be just practicing, you know, just empathy or just practicing a little more gratitude. I, you know, sometimes when we do, you know, whether they're self improvement, mindfulness, doesn't matter, any of these things where we're looking to educate ourselves. It often feels overwhelming.
Like you can do too much of it. And what happens is that I think people get paralyzed in the consistent need to have to improve. You know, it's almost like a, I'm going to too many self help classes, you know, like I overdo it. And I think it's just take one small step, you know, do one thing, focus on one thing.
And for me, those kinds of things have helped where, like, I know I can't do everything all the time. And so I kind of go in waves of the things that I focus on. Like right now, I'm in a, I'm responsible for my own emotions phase. And so that's top of mind for me. I'm just, I'm responsible for my own emotions.
I'm like, so I take these sort of little, these nuggets and I just focus on one thing at a time. Because that's You know, my brain, I already, it's already full with too many other things.
[00:45:04] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah. That's our capacity. Yeah. So simple,
[00:45:07] Jason: simple. I think it's more likely that it's going to happen with simplicity.
And so if it is the mom, who's trying to convince the dad, then like, just try to do one thing, have him involved in one thing, or, you know, try to, you know, Uh, just focus on a simple task or a simple element. I think that's probably an easier way to approach it.
[00:45:29] Hunter: Well, Jason, I really appreciate you, uh, coming and sharing your perspective here on the Mindful Mama podcast.
Where can people find out more about you and what you're doing?
[00:45:40] Jason: Yeah, the website daduniversity. com is probably the best place that has all the links to everything and my biggest, you know, I put out videos every week on YouTube and so that's the place where most people see me or know of, but they can find me everywhere.
[00:45:56] Hunter: All right. Find, find Jason there and yeah, and there will be clips from this episode for you audio listeners on YouTube at the Mindful Mama, uh, mentor YouTube channel. So, so there, there, Jason, thank you.
[00:46:10] Jason: Oh, thank you.
[00:46:11] Hunter: So very much. I appreciate your perspective, your energy, your, your dedication for helping to make things better for the next generation.
I'm so glad that you're out there doing that work and in the voice that, that people can, you know, resonate with and hear. So, um, so thank you.
[00:46:30] Jason: Yeah. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to spread. I appreciate that.
[00:46:39] Hunter: I love what Jason says about starting small, about showing gratitude and how that's just simply effective. It's like, yes, yes. We just have such habits of being unskillful. I mean, man, I still have some unskillful habits for sure. As I was, you know, working last week, I was thinking about mindful parenting and what we do, and it really is like learning a new language.
Like this whole thing is like learning a new language. It's hard to learn a new language from a book. It's hard to learn a new language on your own, you know, it really is something that you need to practice again and again and in context and ask questions and all those things. Like if we get transferred by our business to another country where they don't speak English, we're gonna like learn a new language, right?
Like that's what we need to do. And, you know, with parenting, if we grew up with all the authoritarian, unskillful, ineffective language, like, this is totally a new language that we need to learn. I mean, for me, it's completely a new language, and so I'm always learning. And then that's it, I guess. So great to connect with you again here, my friend.
You know, here in Delaware, we're going into summer, and Into pool time and open time, kids wanting to be driven to the library time. The library is open! Again, finally we can browse again. Okay, so Delaware did a lot of things right during the pandemic. I mean, really, like we had easy, super easy free testing and, you know, really easy to get free vaccines.
Like, everything was great. Been very impressed. February's! Oh my god, why did the libraries not open for browsing until like June 2021? Like, that's kind of nuts. And I worry for the kids. Have not been able to go to the libraries for so long. And that was been really hard for my kids. I mean, drives them to screen time because they don't even have any books.
They can't get any new books. So frustrating. All right, so that's my mini Kvetch here. Sorry. Hey, listen, if you enjoyed this episode, please let me know. Take a screenshot of it, tag me on Instagram, at MindfulMamaMentor. Let me know what your takeaways are. Don't be so silent on the other end. I want some feedback too.
It makes such a big, big difference. So please, please, please. I love your feedback. I love your reviews. They make this whole labor love worthwhile. So please, please let me know. And I wish you a beautiful week, and if you're going into summer here in the Northern Hemisphere, I hope you have some sunny, nice, beautiful days.
And if you're in the Southern Hemisphere, I wish you some refreshingly cool and lovely days. Alright, have a beautiful day. Lovely week, my friend. Thank you so much. Namaste.
I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate better. And just, I'd say communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse. It's been really a positive influence in our lives. So definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it.
It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much benefit from being a better parent. To your children and feeling like you're connecting more with them and not feeling like you're yelling all the time or you're like, why isn't this working? I would say definitely do it. It's so, so worth it.
It'll change you. No matter what age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's a great investment in someone's family. I'm very thankful I have this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working or you can learn some new tools and Gain some perspective to shift everything in your parenting.
Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies, but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with too much to learn? Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clark Fields, and if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting Membership. You will be joining Hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class.
This is an opportunity to really discover your unique, lasting relationship, not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting, connected relationships, not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. Go to mindfulparentingcourses. com MindfulParentingCourse.
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