Dr. Lynyetta Willis is a psychologist and family empowerment coach. She helps frustrated families break free from Stable Misery and create more joy in their parenting or partnerships.
497: When Parents & Grandparents Butt In (Live Event)
Dr. Lynyetta Willis
What do you do when the older generations have opinions on how you are parenting your child? Maybe they’re worried that your kids are going to run rampant without time-outs or a swat. Perhaps there are cultural differences when raising a family in a multigenerational home.
Dr. Lynyetta Willis and Hunter talk about all this and more (we answer the question of the husband who defaults to authoritarian parenting) in this special recording of a LIVE podcast event!
497: When Parents & Grandparents Butt In (Live Event)- Dr Lynyetta Willis
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*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: I trust and I know from my own personal experience from research that this way is the way that absolutely works best, not just for my children and for myself, but also for our relationship.
[00:00:18] Hunter: You're listening to the Mindful Parenting Podcast, episode number 497. Today, we're talking about when parents and grandparents butt in with Dr. Lynetta Willis.
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting Podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Parenting, we know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarke-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years, I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course, and I'm the author of the international bestseller Raising Good Humans and now Raising Good Humans Every Day, 50 Simple Ways to Press Pause, Stay Present, and Connect with Your Kids.
Hello! Welcome back! Dear listener, so glad you are here with me, as always. If you've ever gotten some value from the podcast, please do me a favor and grow the show by telling just one friend about it. It makes a huge difference. And I hugely appreciate it.
And just a moment, you are up for a very special episode. This is actually the recording of the conversation I had when we did the live podcast at our live Mindful Parenting Retreat in April 2024. So this is a conversation with Dr. Lynnetta Willis, my friend and psychologist and family empowerment coach. She helps frustrated families break free from stable misery and create more joy in their parenting and partnerships, and you could hear her on the 400th episode of the podcast and episode 366, but this conversation I have with Dr. Lynyetta Willis, my friend, is about what to do when older generations have opinions on how you're parenting your child. Maybe they're worried that your kids are going to run rampant without timeouts or a SWOT. Perhaps there are cultural differences when raising a family in a multi generational home. So Dr. Willis and I talk about this and more, and we're going to answer the question about the husband who defaults to authoritarian parenting in this special recording of the live podcast event. I know you're going to love it, so join me at the table listening to this awesome conversation.
Are you passionate about parenting and maybe want to become a parenting coach? Perhaps you're a teacher, a therapist, doula, or simply a parenting junkie. then let me tell you about the Mindful Parenting Teacher and Coach Training Program. It's a five month intensive program that can be done from anywhere around the world and gives you everything you need to bring mindful parenting to the people in your life.
Here's what people have said about it.
[00:03:22] Mindful Mama Member: The first program that really drew me in was that it wasn't just on like, how do we practice mindfulness, it incorporated the communication and the problem solving and, went a lot deeper. It was really amazing to be going through this process and have that weekly support that extended beyond just our teacher training really. The whole process was really well laid out and organized and having the materials from a teacher perspective was really nice as well. Across his whole life. You're given every single bit of material that you could possibly need.
[00:03:56] Mindful Mama Member: This is really a community reaching far and wide. And I think that this program, because it works on decreasing your inner stress response and taking care of yourself, so then you can give that back to your children and model that behavior for your children as they're growing up into adulthood. Just seeing the positive changes in my own family and knowing that as I continue to spread that into the community, that will be like, just even more far reaching.
[00:04:23] Hunter: Enrollment is open now and there are limited spots available. Step into your dream of becoming a mindful parenting coach. Find out more at mindfulparentingcourse.com/teach. That's mindfulparentingcourse.com/teach.
Welcome you guys. This is out first ever live podcast of Mindful Parenting. It's- oh my God, let me check the sound.
So I am so honored. This is so exciting to do this first live podcast. I am so happy to have my friend, Dr. Lynyetta Willis, join us today for this conversation. She's been on the podcast before, and I will introduce her live to you rather than at home later in the studio. So Lynyetta is a psychologist and family empowerment coach. She helps frustrated families stop stable misery cycles or unhelpful patterns that keep them stuck so they can create more joy in their parenting or partnerships. Her Trigger to Transform Parent Coaching Program has helped parents all over the world confidently deal with their triggers so they can pass on the best parts of themselves and enjoy parenting more.
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting Podcast again, Lynyetta. I'm so happy to be here. Exciting. The first ever live one. Yeah. yeah, this is so different, having you all here than when I'm usually just talking with this person in my- I'm psyched to talk to you, and of course I'd love to start, we're going to talk a little bit about generational patterns and the generations and dealing with the different generations maybe in our lives with our kids.
But I always like to start, and we're going to just go back, so what about you? And how were you raised, and is it different from the way that you are currently raising your children?
[00:06:36] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: Oh, yes. so I was raised in a home where there were some oldie but goodie phrases used, stop crying before I give you something to cry about, and there's nothing wrong, and hush up that noise, there was a lot of emotions. I grew up feeling always like emotions were a liability, especially difficult emotions. So anger, sadness, things like that. Anger could get me in trouble. Sadness was vulnerability and it could be pushed to the side or invalidated. I had, especially in my younger years, into my young adult life, I had an on again off again love affair with my emotions, and it was something where I felt loved by most of the people in my home, but there was also very clear rules that if broken, that love could be limited, taken away, pulled back at any time, so it didn't always feel unconditional. And the way, and, when I say that, that's how the people who raised me were raised.
[00:07:55] Hunter: Yeah.
[00:07:56] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: yeah, that's how you keep kids in line. if you don't have anything to really barter with to get them to do what you want them to do, just, threaten to, pull on that love string or give them a silent treatment or, those different things so that, oh, okay, let me step back in the line. Let me do what I'm supposed to do so that doesn't happen again. Yeah, and the way that I raise my kids now, it's interesting because there's certain things that, we were joking about this a little bit this morning, there's certain things sometimes that my kids will do. It's like I hear my grandmother in the back of my hotline, like her spirit is in the corner, yeah, you're doing that new age parenting now. It's like, how's that working for you? Huh? Sure you don't want to borrow my switch? It's right here. And so there are things that I could never have gotten away with.
That now I'm listening and reflecting and, and it's just this is a completely different way of being, but I trust and I know from my own personal experience from research that this way is the way that absolutely works best. Not just for my children and for myself, but also for our relationship, Yeah.
[00:09:11] Hunter: Yeah. it's hard when, yeah, this morning my daughter spoke her mind about something and she talked to me about her boundaries. And that can be really hard for us, even though this is what we're modeling, right? We're modeling. I want to be clear about this is impinging on my needs and talking about boundaries and talking things out about things when those, when we're talking about things and our kids come back to us speaking, modeling the way that we speak, and it may be that they are speaking their mind, then that can sometimes, especially when they're little, can. That can draw into question, oh am I doing this right? Should I be threatening my kids? Should I be, if they're, especially I think, when they're little, that kind of interaction is often called talking back, right? if a kid's talking about, speaking their mind about a boundary. That can often be called talking back, and that's when we can say, Oh my God, am I doing the right thing? Yeah, do you have that experience?
[00:10:21] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: Very much. I still remember one day I was older, probably my teens, and I was primarily raised by my grandmother, and I told her a story about something someone said, and I still have this memory of her saying to me, if somebody says something about you or to you that isn't true or doesn't fit for you, you need to say something back and let them know.
And I remember that happened all the time. And whenever I tried to do that, it didn't fly, and she said, not with me, with other people, And, we got, we laughed about it, but it was interesting because it makes me think now, like, where am I supposed to learn that? If I can't learn it, if our kids can't learn it with us, where do they learn to speak their mind? Where do they learn to assert boundaries? Where do they learn that it's okay to say no? Where do they learn this stuff from? it's not like you reach 18 and then all of a sudden it's oh, I'm a confident, fully boundaried, and capable young person.
No, it doesn't happen that way. They take those same habits and styles of being into their adult relationships. And that's how those legacies keep continuing. So as hard as it is, Talking to our kids. And I'm not saying, you should let your kids be the roadrunner and just run all over everybody, but that's where that negotiation and being able to have conversations about, I hear you better when you bring it down a few octaves, and really just helping them to learn how to communicate. But it first starts with us learning how to.
[00:11:53] Hunter: And one of the things you talk about a lot, which I love, you, have the language of the four horsemen. You talk about the four horsemen and how these are the things that were used to keep us in line. So tell us what the four horsemen are. I love this analogy.
[00:12:11] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: Yes. the four horsemen, for some of you may know, is a biblical reference. Reference, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but I talk about it in terms of relationships and how we raise our children, and the four horsemen are pain, blame, shame, and avoidance. Pain, blame, shame, and avoidance. If you use one or all of those things It will usually snap kids back down, right?
So pain could be corporal punishment, hitting them, blaming them for things going on in the home that they don't need to take responsibility for, but it's being put on them. you make me so mad. Why are you doing this or that? shaming, what's wrong with you? Why aren't you more like your brother or your sister? Really leading them to believe there's something wrong with them and inherently who they are. And avoidance, that actually is the most insidious one. Because avoidance is about, I don't know if you all heard phrases like, What happens in this house stays in this house, you know? And growing up for me, that often meant, it's not that it stays in this house because we're going to talk about it in really healthy and calm and amazing ways so that we can heal together. No, that meant we're going to take it, we're going to bludgeon it, we're going to bury it in the basement, then we're going to pour concrete over it, and we're never going to talk about it again. It's like very mafia. Anyway. Yeah. But like one of my old supervisors used to say, nothing likes being buried alive. And that includes emotions.
[00:13:44] Hunter: I like that. Nothing likes being buried alive. Including emotions. Yeah.
Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcast right after this break.
It’s so interesting doing this podcast live with you because now I can see everyone's faces as you're listening and I'm seeing that these are things that we may feel some guilt about sometimes using ourselves, but I also am imagining as I see some of these reactions from you guys that it's also like we felt that, right? Like I'm saying, some handshare, like we felt that growing up, like we got that avoidance. We got it buried in the basement or we got that pain. Literal pain from corporal punishment or whatever. And that shame, we got a lot of that. So then we carry all that with us and our work is to transform it. And that's, that is really the hard work. That's a big question. I don't know. Like where, when you are working with people, where do you start to, to treat the process of transforming it? Yeah.
[00:17:25] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: I truly believe that our greatest superpower as we're trying to transform these generational traumas and dramas, as I like to call them, is self awareness. Which is a lot of what we're doing here today and a lot of what you're talking about, Hunter. It's around, first, you have to be aware of what it is you want to change. I always say, on any journey, you have to know two points. Where you're starting, where you are, and where you want to go.
If you don't know those points, you're not anywhere will do. and so if you don't, so understanding where you are, what are you doing, what are the things that you're doing, what are the things that you're saying that you're like, Oh, I don't really want to pass these on to my kids or. This doesn't feel too good, or this isn't helpful to the, to strengthening our connection and our relationship. Name those. getting super clear about what are my biggest triggers? What really sets me off? or what sets us up to go down? Unhealthy road and how can I, as a relatively fully functioning adult with a relatively fully functioning brain, what can I do to shift how I show up so that I impact how my shifting, how my kid shows up. It really starts with a self-awareness. For sure.
[00:18:40] Hunter: You have to know what it is. And I always think of, they have that, the metaphor of course, of with anger, when we're triggered, that's one of our, anger is triggered. That's one of the biggest problems, but the iceberg and what is, there's all these things on top of the iceberg that are conscious, and then what are all the things that are unconscious underneath that, when, we were talking earlier about, a, teen with an attitude.
And what do we do with a teen with an attitude? And sometimes, that makes you feel angry, right? But or when my daughters have, responded to me with an attitude, it makes me feel angry. But there's something underneath that anger. And if I look at what's underneath that anger, it's like sadness, what are you talking about? That hurts. it's hurt and sadness. So that when I'm responding to her about those things, that thing, I have to have the awareness of, and that's where all that mindfulness comes in, of I, okay, I'm angry, but I'm feeling other feelings underneath that. I'm feeling sadness. And then I can communicate it and say, oh, wow, honey, when you talk to me like that, I feel sad. I feel disconnected from you. And then she can hear me better because I'm not like. What's wrong with you? I'm not using that, those horsemen. I'm, and I'm saying, this is how this is impacting me as a real human being, and yeah, and to have that, there's this whole level of awareness that we just don't have when, usually, when we have an infant or a toddler that has suddenly in our life, it's not like we've you have to do the work and grow and parent yourself as. You're parenting your child. There's not really any other way around it to become a fully, personally developed. Mindful parent before you get to the point where you mess-
[00:20:43] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: -with your kids, is there? Oh, I love it when people are like, when they see a newly pregnant woman or something, she's about to have the baby, it's the first baby, and they're like, are you ready?
And I'm like, that is the dumbest question. What? What? they say there's no dumb question. Yes, that's it right there. That is the dumbest question right there. The answer will always be no. Even if you think it's yes, it's still no. Because there's really no way. I don't know my child, my children are 11 and 15. I don't know what it's like to have a 16 year old in that body yet, because that's like I was, I helped raise my sister, she's 25 years old now. And so I knew what it was like to be with a 16 year old, but the 16 year old I'm about to have isn't the 16 year old, isn't her. It's a different 16 year old, right? So how do you fully prepare to engage and raise, even though I think sometimes they raise us more than we raise them, a child, that hasn't even been there yet, And so just being, giving ourselves grace and realizing, the best that we can do are these types of things, listen to, people talking, listen to people who have these experiences, and just try to go forth. doing the best we can with what we know and what we have.
[00:22:01] Hunter: All right, so let's talk about the generations, right? Yeah. So you, we have generations, before us that were raised, they were raised with pain, blame, shame, and avoidance. So then they may have raised us with pain, shame, blame, and avoidance. Even at, even if it was maybe it was less pain than the previous generation.
And then we come along and we're learning a lot. We're like transforming a lot. We're getting a lot of information. We're trying to work on ourselves to try to do less of that. Even less of that, hopefully a lot less of that. And then, but we have to also interact with our parents. who are seeing us maybe raise our kids differently, right? And it's such a tricky thing because if we say to our parents, I am definitely not spanking my kid, and I really try not to, scream at them. I'm trying not to yell at, then they experience that as a judgment of how they parented us. And that can come out in a lot of different ways.
I'm seeing a lot of head nods here. How do we start to approach that? Should we be having conversations?
[00:23:25] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: This is a tricky one. I have a lot of, there are a lot of members in the Triggered to Transform program who have hit this because a lot of. Parents who come into that program are absolutely cycle breakers. They're like, I want to do things completely different. So they're having to contend with parents and grandparents who are like, this is the right way to parent. So if you're like, I'm not going to yell and I'm not going to hit my kid. And they're like, so you're basically going to raise a jungle child? Like what, what's left? And so not realizing that there are other ways. So being able to say, So there's a few things at play. Number one, if you're anything like me, so I was raised, one of the people in my life was a yeller. And even until adulthood, she would yell and I would jump and freeze, right?
So it would be one of those things where, When I have my own children and I'm communicating with this person, there's still a childlike part of me that pops up when I'm in this person's presence. So not only, it's not always I'm an adult dealing with another adult. It's in some ways I'm an adult, but this childlike part is now dealing with this adult, and I'm trying to raise a child. So there's all these factors that we have to consider. And so when somebody from an older generation comes to you and says you're doing it wrong, or tries to judge you or tell you, this is what really needs to, it can be, it can feel really hard to stand up for that. some things that we often talk about a lot is, Setting your boundaries in advance, right?
What are your non negotiables and what are your negotiables before you even go into the situation? And being able to say, if yelling at your child is a non negotiable, coming up with, okay, when grandma or mom or whoever starts yelling, what's my response going to be? How am I going to handle it? Am I going to Say something to mom or grandma in the moment. Am I going to remove my child? Am I, what's this? Am I going to go and get on my child level and talk to my child? there are some people in the world who blah blah blah, but you're okay. coming up with your solution before you're in that situation is a really good way to keep those, I call them trigger travelers, the parts of you that react or shut down from coming out in that moment. Right?
[00:25:55] Hunter: as you talk about that, I remember, a situation where when I was visiting my parents and, my, my father was the one with an intense temper and my kids were little and little kids are annoying in a lot of ways. Their behavior is loud and frustrating. They were doing anyway. My dad got angry at my daughter, maybe when she was like seven or something. I'm looking at my husband who's in the audience and he can't remember anyway. but yeah, and I'm not sure I consciously thought about the plan, but I do remember saying I will protect my daughter. if we're ever in a situation where this temper that scared me so much comes out, I will be protecting my daughter.
And I did have to, I did have to say, we're leaving, we're getting out of this room. We're leaving you. You may not talk to my daughter this way, and had to talk, I had to hold a boundary like that. And it was. Okay, it happened, and then it was okay that I held that boundary, and it was tense, and it was tough, but we were adults, and he saw that, and he saw an adult, holding a boundary and it was okay and we went through the situation, but yeah, I had to, it was, hard to do that. And I think that I imagine, and then to talk to my daughter about it, but I imagine that, that can be, come up with different results, like some people are like, Oh my gosh, I'm fully in child and I'm backing out of this. Or some people are like, this is the end of our relationship. We can't get through it, right? what, how, there's a middle path, to walk in that.
[00:27:46] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: There is a middle path. And I think too, also having compassion for the older adults and the older generations in the, because in many ways they don't know any different way to be. So this new way of parenting does seem a little weird. Like maybe some of your family members think you've joined a cult. And you're just like, I feel like from their perspective, it's your kids are just running all over it. What? I don't understand what's happening here. And sometimes their comments might actually be coming from a place of concern around that kid's going to end up in juvenile detention center if you don't do something. Or you're going to end up, in a hospital because you're going to, Go off the rails if you don't get this kid under control. But that also comes with, if it's possible, to sit down and have conversations with family members, if you can, and it feels safe for you. And being able to say, look, we're doing things differently.
Can I explain to you some of what we're doing? Can I share it with you? Would that be okay? And getting permission to have those conversations can be really, because then they'll be like, All right, yeah, show me what this new parenting thing is. I don't quite get it. And it not necessarily being about, Can I tell you all the horrible things you did? And how you really screwed up and how I'm not going to screw up. It's more about, Hey, we learned something new. We're going to try it with the kids. We'd love for you to be a part of it. Can I share it with you? Do you have any questions? like, all right, yeah, when they start running around my house and climbing up my walls and, like monkeys, what do you expect me to do? Great question. Why don't you try this? Or call me, or something like that. So being able to have conversations with those in our family and helping them to really understand what's going on in our heads and what the end result is and why we're doing this differently can be helpful as well.
[00:29:39] Hunter: It worked out well for me because I wrote a book. And so I was like, here you go, Mom and Dad. What happened to dating? yeah, it worked out well. He reads it in the bathroom, I know. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. so we had a question, come in. How to deal with cultural influences coming from family, grandparents and aunts when raising a family in a multi generational home. How and specifically a home where the grandparents have an expectation of how the child should interact with the parents, right?
I'm picturing, I don't know who asked this question, but I'm picturing a, where sometimes generation, the older generations have an expectation of, The child should be very quiet, the child should be respectful, the child should maybe not even, there was always the you don't speak until you're spoken to thing, I'm not sure that flew in my generation, but, there, there is this question, especially then if we go back to what we were talking about in the beginning, this idea of, it's hard for us to deal with when our kids create boundaries and talk back to us. We can call it backtalk. What if it happens with these older generations and how do, it's in the home with those influences. So anyway, do you have any thoughts on this? Yeah, it's, that's tough.
[00:31:09] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: because when your family members are like outside of the house and you can be like, all right, it's time to go. We're just going to go and we're going to go back to our house. But when they're living in the house, you have a multi generational home. That can be tough. And I think the biggest thing is, open lines of communication, right? Again, going back to what are our non negotiables? What are our boundaries?
It's going to be hard to turn grandma or great grandma who's 95 into a mindful parenting expert. I just, that, that may not, that may be a little bit too high of a bar in part because she might not be interested in that. And so it really comes about what are your baseline expectations?
What are your, so if it's like, grandma sits in the corner and when she sees, my kid talking back to me, she mumbles. okay, that might bother you, but is that really a non negotiable, right? Now, if it's, oh, and she sees me talking back to me, she starts shouting at my kid and calling my kid names. Okay, that's different, right? Now we got a different situation here. We might need to have a conversation with great grandma, right? But at the end of the day, the piece is for you to be in the gap to the best of your ability, especially depending on how old your child is, especially when they're young, between that older adult and your child.
And that doesn't mean that you're going to be able to protect your child from everything that's going to fly out of family members mouths. It's just not possible. But being able to communicate with your child, because here's the thing, we're gonna run into people in our life, I don't care how old we are, that we're gonna be like, I was just dealing with somebody recently where that happened, where I'm like, this is weird, this is unhealthy.
So, teaching our children how to deal in relationships that don't always go along with our boundaries and expectations and what to do about that, how to say that, how to navigate and negotiate that's actually a good thing to be able to teach them. So it's not always bad, but just making sure that you're there and you're able, to the best of your ability, to be able to have that communication with your child and let them know this is not your fault, this is not your issue. We're talking to Grandma. Grandma's learning. We're learning. What do you know to be true? These are the things that we know to be true. All right, and then maybe you also have conversations with your child about, again, depending on their age, when Great Grandma says something, we're not, maybe we don't, come at Great Grandma, right? What’s a different thing we can say to Great Grandma, right? Because we know how Great Grandma can get, so being able to also teach your child read the room. and be able to, not be in, you don't want to put your child in a position where they are responsible for great grandma or their feelings, but it's also about teaching them that people are going to react and respond differently, and we can have some input into what, how a conversation goes. Like we have that power.
[00:34:06] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcast right after this break.
[00:35:14] Hunter: It's like the idea of, you teach your kids how to interact with other kids in some ways, right? You want to teach them about consent and boundaries and how to, play well with other kids if there are things that come up. And so it's the same as, it's the same with the older adults in a lot of ways. It's you don't have to necessarily kiss grandma, right? Or you don't have to go in for a hug. But the way you tell that person is you say, no, thanks. I don't want to, rather than, no, you're gross. Yeah, exactly. You sound like mothballs. don't do that. That may not be helpful. No mothball comments. Ixne has some mothball comments. but yeah, so you're thinking about okay, you're, teaching maybe if that the family is in the home, you're staying, you live in a multigenerational home, or you're maybe in a multigenerational home temporarily for a vacation or whatever it is.
Then, you may have, I'm hearing that we have to sometimes be a little bit of the mediator. Yeah. Where we're saying, Hey, Mom, Dad, Grandma, this, this thing, I see this is upsetting to you, but listen, this is what's going on. We have to be the translator between the expectations of the generations is what I'm hearing.
[00:36:39] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: One hundred percent. And sometimes if, all your parts can handle it. It might also be about allowing the parts of your older generation or your great grandma, let's just say, because I'm talking about great grandma a lot, to be able to talk out what's going on with her, right? what is especially if it's like a lot of mumbling and a lot of tension and what, is the issue? And just really mindfully listen. Now, be very careful with that, make sure that you can. if you can deal with that and that feels good and safe to you, because sometimes great grandma might come out attacking or it just might not be a safe relationship to do that. But I don't know if you've ever been in that situation where you're holding something in and then when you get to, when you get it out, you're like, okay, I feel better now. Yeah. Good. Good now. So sometimes just allowing those people to have, having a conversation with them and mindfully listening and reflecting around what they're saying and then sharing your opinion that can also help to, Minimize a lot of the drama.
[00:37:34] Hunter: Yeah, just as listening with our kids helps to take the temperature down, it can take the temperature down with the older generation. For sure. That's, cool. Okay, yeah, there's a lot there and there's a lot to navigate and negotiate. Did you ever have to have any of these conversations yourself?
[00:37:55] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: no, because, so my grandmother has since passed on, but my mother, she is pretty hands off with the kids, and she's a lot more mellow than she was when she raised me. So for me, she defers to me a lot. She also realizes this isn't my hobby, so I think there's a bit of that too. So I didn't have to deal with that aspect a whole bunch with them. I too, I have experienced the side eye and the like, are you really going to let them get away with that? I've gotten some of that, not just like from other family members too. And then just being able to breathe into myself in those moments and realize. I'm doing what I know is right to do, and I'm going to keep doing it, right? Because sometimes I, you can feel shamed, when you get that look. You don't have to say a word, it's just that look. You know that look where you're just like, right? So being able to contend with yourself.
[00:39:08] Hunter: I find that I've had to do a lot of awareness and understanding. But also forgiveness work, to say, you know what, I forgive you for this, the, way things were, I forgive you for your temper, I, I know this isn't your fault, I know that you had all this kind of trauma growing up so much, I can't, I have to hold boundaries about being the one to listen to all the trauma, but I have to say, okay, I forgive you I know this is. These are defenses, these are unhealed parts of you, these are places where you're really stuck still. And I can just, I, the idea of seeing that person, the older generation, seeing their suffering allows me a lot of compassion. And that really helps for me.
[00:40:09] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: And the other thing I'll say too is give yourself permission to hold boundaries, right? So if great grandma is going on and on, Be okay to say when this happens, I'm just gonna walk out of the room and I'm not gonna, I had a client once where she came in and she's Oh my God, I'm going home and I have to see my mom. And it was, she was like, I can't be in the room with my mother, she will just, it just, like all the, Blame and all the four horsemen just they just lived in the house. They had their own room. Just, it was really intense for her. And so I said, okay, how long can you be in your, in the presence of your mother before you just lose it and you just, you start to feel yourself getting really triggered and overwhelmed and frustrated and in that space of either freezing or yelling. And she was like, five minutes. And I said, okay, so what I want you to do is when you walk in the room with your mom, when you first walk in the house, I want you to set a timer for five minutes. And regardless of what she might not say a word to you, I want you to leave after five minutes. And then when you breathe, come back in and do it again.
And she left and she did it and she came back and she was like, I actually got down to the point where I could be in the room with her for 25 minutes. And I said, what, what shifted for you? Because you didn't heal a ton of trauma and. a whole bunch of five minute sessions. And she said, what it was that I gave myself permission to leave. I had permission. and it was like, she always had permission. She was a grown person, but there was something about being able to say, I only have to make it for another three minutes and 32 seconds. And even, she didn't even have to do that if she didn't want. She could have left at any time, but because she knew she had permission during those longer stints, she was like, it's been more than five minutes. At any point in time, I can get up and leave. And just that simple shift alone gave her a sense of, Okay, I feel safe. I can handle this. I can do this. This is okay. So being able to give yourself permission to hold boundaries and limits and whatever you need to do with those older adults and letting the younger parts of not only am I going to protect my child, but I'm going to protect you too. And I'm going to do whatever I need to do to make sure that we're not hurt or we're not struggling in this moment because we don't have to. We have permission to do what we need to do to protect ourselves and still honor the people that we love in our family. That doesn't mean that we have to sacrifice ourselves to honor the people in our home with us.
[00:42:46] Hunter: I think that permission to walk away is very powerful. I've used that in my life for sure. so just to transition a little bit, the other question that came in is we're thinking about how to handle differing parenting styles. this person's partner sees the benefit of being more gentle, but always returns to authoritarian. You're shifting, you're doing all this work, this happens all the time. you're transforming these generational patterns, yet your partner may not be doing, or may be harder, there may be, may have more barriers to actually making those shifts and is falling back into these authoritarian patterns. What are the kind of conversations that this couple needs to have?
[00:43:33] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: The very first conversation that I always tell couples, that I always encourage couples to have around this is, let me back up. So what often happens, especially when I work with a couple, they both come in, and of course, when there's usually, not of course, but there's usually one person who wants to be there more than the other. So one person who was like, bring on the couples, and the other person who's dragged in, and the person who's doing the dragging is you sit here and she's going to fix you. And you're like, okay, go. Go ahead. He's right there. Go ahead, so really what's important is to first get on the same page about the first thing that I do when I'm in the room with those couples is I try to get a sense of what do each of you want out of this experience?
Okay, I know what I know. Usually it's she- I'll be honest. I know if it's a heterosexual couple. I know she wants it. What do you want, right? And I say that to say when you're in a situation where you and your partner aren't parenting the same, really understanding, what is the end goal for both of you? What do both of you want when it comes to engaging your child day to day and long term? Because if you try to say, we need to parent mindfully, we need to parent gently, we need to parent positively, we need to, ah, and then my favorite is, Okay, I bought this 57 video course, and after your long day at work, I need you to sit- I see Bill back there, nodding- I need you to sit and watch these videos during your downtime, and then fill out these 15 worksheets, and we'll talk about it in what, 20 minutes? 25 minutes? Is that good? Is that good? Alright, a lot of times when we try to do it that way, it's almost like we're taking an authoritarian approach with our partner. So doing a lot of what you try to do with your child, like co creating, connecting around, what is it that we want to create?
Now, the question said, partner is on par with gentle, this is great. I'm totally good with this. Let's, go. But is struggling to actually implement it. So in that case, it's, what do you need? What would be helpful? And so it's really about what I call getting on the same side of the net as your partner.
A lot of times in, marriages, like when we start to fight. It's like a tennis match, and we're just on the other side of the net hitting the ball back and forth. What you really want is you want a doubles partner, and then you put the issue on the other side of the net. So if the issue is, let's say, this mindful parenting thing, or stopping, or let's get even more specific. We want to stop yelling, all right? How can we team up so that we can do something about our opponent, which is yelling? How can we team up so we can do something about this opponent, which is, consistent routines. How can we team up? Cause at that point, now your partner doesn't feel like a child. You're trying to drag around and get them to figure out how to do this thing. Now they're like, Oh, we're doing this together. Oh, okay. And they're way more likely to engage you at that point. But you want to get your partner to a place where they feel like you're trying to invite them into an experience with you. And that you're not trying to force them to do something the way that you want it done. Because nobody, nobody wants that. Our partner, our kids, us, it doesn't work trying to force somebody. So really getting on the same page, figuring out what is the end goal that you both want. And the other thing I'll say about that is when I say the end goal, start small.
I believe in really tiny things. Okay. So not, our end goal is to parent mindfully. That is a big fricking goal. Yeah, like seriously, welcome to our world, right? It could be our main goal is to yell less. Our main goal is to get through bedtime without storming out of the room or making a snarky comment. Our main goal, right? So come to an agreement on the main goal. Okay. What steps do we need to take together to get to that main goal? All right. When you hear me call you from the other room during bedtime, that means I need to tap out. Okay, all right, let's try that. And then you experiment together. You experiment together on how to make it happen.
So take really small bite sized chunks and bite sized goals and come together on what is our end goal and what are steps that we can take, experiments we can implement to help make this happen for both of us.
[00:48:06] Hunter: that is beautiful. I love that. I think that's, exactly best approach possible.
Lynyetta, I love talking to you. You and I are like, we're like the same being that has been split and put in different parts of the world. I think it's so funny. We discovered that very much last night. but, this has been wonderful. I always love having you come on the podcast. This has been so cool to do a live podcast. Oh my goodness. It's fun. Do you have any final words that you want to leave the listener with or these listeners with or right here?
[00:48:51] Dr. Lynyetta Willis: You're doing the best you can with what you have and remember that, tattoo it on your forehead if you have to, because guilt doesn't help anyone, least of all you and your child. Just by listening to this or being in the room right now, you're already doing, more than 97 percent of the population. Just shift how this parenting thing goes. So give yourself grace. Also, if you want more, you can get on my mailing list. If you go to StableMiseryFree.com, StableMiseryFree.com, there's a roadmap that I've created that you can actually, you'll get emails that'll actually help you practice different skills that I teach to help you to move even further along on this journey.
[00:49:33] Hunter: thank you so much. This has been an honor, as always. I love talking to you. Yay! I'm mad it's over. Thank you guys for coming out for a little first live podcast.
What a cool conversation, right? I love talking to Lynnetta. It is just awesome. so wonderful. Hey, want to give a shout out to Flopshot for your five star review you left on Apple Podcast Review: “Thank you. Thank you. Five stars, a must for parents. The sooner you listen to this for your kids, the better”, they say. Thank you so much. Those five star reviews are an awesome way to support the podcast. You can just click right on your podcast player and there's like a link to leave a review. if you look at the notes, you'll see it's right there on the phone. It's actually pretty, pretty easy. Takes a second.
And if you have a friend you want to share it to, that's also a really great way. Just share, it with one friend. Pick out something out of this shirt with one friend today. That would be awesome. And I wish you an awesome week. I wish you peace and ease and good conversations and exciting things and peaceful things and warm hugs and all that good stuff.
And I thank you so much for being here and for listening. Take care my friend. Namaste.
[00:51:08] Mindful Mama Member: I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate better. And just, I'd say communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse. It's been really a positive influence in our lives. So definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it. It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much benefit from being a better parent to your children and family. Feeling like you're connecting more with them and not feeling like you're yelling all the time or you're like why isn't this working? I would say definitely do it. It's so, worth it. It'll change you. No matter what age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth and it's a great investment in someone's family. I'm very thankful I have this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working or you can learn some new tools and gain some perspective to shift everything in your parenting.
[00:52:12] Hunter: Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies, but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with too much to learn? Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clark Fields. And if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting membership. You will be joining hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class. This is an opportunity to really discover your unique, lasting relationship, not only with your children, but with yourself. It will translate into lasting, connected relationships, not only with your children, but your partner too. Let me change your life. Go to mindfulparentingcourse.com to add your name to the wait list, so you will be the first to be notified when I open the membership for enrollment.
I look forward to seeing you on the inside mindfulparentingcourse.com.
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