Dealing with Defiance in Preschoolers with Compassion and Consistency
When your preschooler’s defiance flares up it’s incredibly frustrating. I talked to a mom with 4 year-old and 7 year-old boys. Older brother asks younger brother to pass the cheese grater and what happens? Little bro snatches that cheese grater off the dinner table, then runs!
How do you navigate a tricky moment like this without resorting to yelling and threats? The north start is that we want to support our children's emotional growth while maintaining boundaries.
If you’re feeling challenged by your child’s defiance, know that you’re not alone—and that there’s a mindful way forward.
Understand the Developmental Stage
First, it's essential to remember that preschoolers are still in the very early stages of developing their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, empathy, and problem-solving.
I like to think of little ones at this age as tiny Neanderthals—not to diminish their humanity, but to remind us that they’re still learning how to navigate the world. Their physical capabilities far outpace their emotional regulation, which means they need our guidance—not punishment—to learn how to get along with others.
Step In with Calm Leadership
In moments of defiance, it's helpful for parents to step in rather than letting siblings police each other. This not only diffuses tension but then you can model the kind of calm, empathetic response we hope our children will one day emulate.
Start by empathizing with the child who’s been wronged—“Oh, that must have been frustrating to have the cheese grater taken from you.” This simple reflection helps validate their feelings and encourages emotional regulation.
Then, turn your attention to your preschooler. Approach them at eye level, with a gentle and curious tone. Describe what you see: “I see you took the cheese grater from your brother.” This non-judgmental observation invites them into the conversation without triggering defensiveness.
Set Clear Expectations
Once you’ve named the action, set a simple, clear boundary: “We help each other at the table. Let’s return the cheese grater.” If your child resists, offer gentle guidance by helping them physically return the object—without shame or harshness.
What About An Apology?
Apologies are an important social skill, but they can’t be forced. If your preschooler isn’t ready to say sorry, you can model the apology yourself: “I know you’re still learning.” Then, to your older child, “I’m sorry the cheese grater was taken.” This shows both children that apologizing is part of making things right, while allowing the preschooler to learn at their own pace.
Reinforce Positive Behavior
Equally important is catching the good moments—when your child shares a toy or asks for something nicely. Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool. Even the smallest acts of kindness deserve recognition: “Wow, I noticed you gave your brother the spoon when he asked—thank you for helping!” These small moments add up, teaching your child that cooperation feels good.
Stay grounded
The most important part of this process is your own calm, grounded presence. Defiance is normal at this age, especially after a long day of holding it together at school or daycare. Before responding, take a deep breath and remind yourself: This is not an emergency. Your child is not giving you a hard time—they're having a hard time.
By approaching defiance with empathy, consistency, and patience, you're not only guiding your child through a challenging moment—you're laying the foundation for lifelong emotional intelligence and cooperation.
Get Guidance
It’s great to get personal advice through parent coaching. We take lessons for tennis and driving—why not for parenting too? There’s no shame in learning to have great relationships with your kids. It's an effort and an investment that will pay off over a lifetime.
If you're reactive and yelling, I have two great resources to help you. First, check out this free blog post. Then, if you want more support, I have available the Stop Yelling Formula course.
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