Iben Sandahl, a renowned Danish author, licensed psychotherapist, and educator, is widely recognized for her book 'The Danish Way of Parenting,' translated into 32 languages. She is a global advocate for children's well-being, passionately promoting empathy and the principles of Danish parenting.
469: Fewer Conflicts & Drama The Danish Way
Iben Sandahl
Would you like to avoid conflicts and drama with your kids?
You might want to explore the principles of the Danish Way of Parenting.
In this episode, Hunter talks to Iben Sandahl about shifts in mindset about trust, play, ultimatums, and how to reframe things for your child.
Let’s learn from the “happiest country on earth!”
Fewer Conflicts & Drama The Danish Way - Iben Sandahl [469]
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Iben Sandahl: I think the main thing was that our parents trusted us to be Responsible, fostering confidence that has remained with me throughout my life.
[00:00:17] Hunter: You're listening to the Mindful Parenting Podcast, episode number 469. Today we're talking about how to have fewer conflicts and drama the Danish way, with Iben Sandahl.
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting Podcast. Here it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. I'm Mindful Parenting, We know that you cannot give what you do not have, and when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clark Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course, and I'm the author of the international bestseller, Raising Good Humans, and now Raising Good Humans Every Day. 50 simple ways to press pause, stay present, and connect with your kids. Welcome back. Hi, so glad you're here.
Welcome to the Mindful Parenting Podcast. Hey, if you get some value, if you like the podcast, please help me grow the show by just telling one friend about it today. Tell one friend. It makes a big difference. I really, really do appreciate it. In just a moment, I'm going to be sitting down with Ibn Sandal, a renowned Danish author, licensed psychotherapist, and educator.
And she's widely recognized for her book, The Danish Way of Parenting, which has been translated into 32 languages. She's a global advocate for children's well being, passionately promoting empathy and the principles of Danish parenting. And we're going to talk about how these principles can help us avoid conflicts and drama.
We'll talk about shifts in mindset, about trust, play. Ultimatums and how to reframe things for your child. So we are going to learn today from the happiest country on earth. Join me at the table as I talk to Ibn Sandal.
Well, Ibn, thank you so much for coming on the Mindful Parenting podcast. so much for inviting me. It's a pleasure. I'm, I'm glad you're here. And like I told you, uh, I, your book is The Danish Way of Parenting has been recommended to me for years. You partnered with an American who lives in, um, Denmark to write the book, right?
[00:02:49] Iben Sandahl: How did, no? No, no, no. It doesn't live in Denmark. She's never lived in Denmark, but she lives in Italy. Yeah.
[00:02:53] Hunter: Oh. Oh. How did that come about then?
[00:02:54] Iben Sandahl: Uh, we had some, uh, some, some common French, like, quintessence, uh, so, uh, we met that way.
[00:03:07] Hunter: Okay. All right. And yeah, her husband is Danish, right? And she was noticing things or? Yes. Yeah. He's going and then right, yes. Um, so what prompted you to write your book, The Danish Way of Parenting?
[00:03:24] Iben Sandahl: Um, the inspiration for writing The Danish Way of Parenting, it came from a conversation with my co author, Jessica Alexander, an American, and, um, we discussed our different childhoods and parenting styles, comparing Danish values and upbringing principles, uh, to her experiences in the U.S. And the idea took shape when Denmark was once again ranked as the happiest country by the OECD, and promising us to explore what made Danish upbringing unique and how it differed from the American approach. So this journey became a personal and professional adventure for me as a Dane. Delving deep into my own childhood and the timeless, uh, practices that have been passed down through generations.
[00:04:21] Hunter: Oh, interesting. And so you had, she was an American, so you could kind of see yourself in contrast to what she was seeing, seeing as like an outsider point of view.
[00:04:31] Iben Sandahl: Yeah. And I actually think that me traveling to different cultures and meeting people from other cultures have really made me understand more in depth, uh, that what we do.
It's different from many other countries. Um, and I had to, to get out and meet people to really understand because it's so ingrained in everything that we do here and everything that I have written about comes from. Looking at my own childhood and how I have parented my children and how my friends and people in Denmark, the tendencies and trends and values that we convey here.
Um, so, so very often as you talk about, uh, we just do what we have been taught. So it was really interesting for me to put it into perspective and see it from people from all over the world.
[00:05:29] Hunter: Okay. All right. Well, I'm excited to kind of dive into the book, which is all obviously about the Danish way of parenting and how it is different, but I always like to kind of start with you.
And, um, and you know, you describe a certain way of being with kids in your book, but how were you raised and, and was it similar to what you describe or was it different? Tell me about that.
[00:05:51] Iben Sandahl: Um, I think that my childhood was characterized By the presence and love of my parents, despite their divorce when I was only three years old, um, but they maintained a positive relationship, speaking highly of each other.
And, uh, we often gathered for birthdays and special occasions. And so I think that my childhood was marked by a sense of security and I was happy. I was unhappy. Inquisitive? I don't know if you've said that. Oh, you said that so well. Inquisitive. Beautiful. A child who enjoyed, uh, yeah, playing, uh, with my dolls and connected with nature and being creative and spending time.
With my sister or friends engaging in activities like, uh, I love the theater and board games and of course free play. And, um, I think the main thing was that our parents trusted us to be responsible, fostering confidence that has remained with me throughout my life. So, um, yeah, so that's all what also is written in the book
[00:07:08] Hunter: and, and what, um, what made you interested in psychology and pursuing that
[00:07:14] Iben Sandahl: single?
I have always been interested in advance. It's kind of better innate and sense of wanting to. To understand our inner world and, um, ourself and also, uh, a desire to helping others that made me into that path. And, and you're, you're happy with it, I assume. Yeah, I mean, I think that I have a wonderful mix of, um, working with children and adolescents, and of course the families in my private consultation.
But at the same time, I'm also using a lot of time, uh, yeah, conveying the Danish way of parenting principles. Um, so it's a, it's a wonderful mix for me, uh, not doing only one thing, but a mix of like different things.
[00:08:17] Hunter: That's wonderful. I think that's a wonderful way to do it, right? That I can relate, you know, and I get to work with people, I get to talk about my book, and I get to do things like this lovely podcast, which is great.
Yeah. So, for the listener who hasn't heard of the Danish way of parenting, it's been out for a little while, and it, and you talk about the idea that in Denmark, the. People are the happiest people in the world. And, and you connect that to the way of parenting. So can you tell me about, you know, why these principles are so different from other countries?
[00:08:58] Iben Sandahl: Um, it's, yeah. It's typical a to explain, but I think the Danish parents and principles reflect the cultural values and, uh, priorities that underpin our society. And in Denmark, values like equality and authenticity and trust are prominent, and influence our parenting approach focusing on, you know, togetherness and cooperation within families and in general.
Um, and, I have been told that this is something that is at least very Scandinavian, if not only Danish. Um, I think that we are much more, um, we in our way of thinking. And, um, despite, you know, I believe that though these principles that they can, I don't know how to say, transcend national borders because they are about living authentically and in, in accordance with one's inner values.
So it's not tied to a specific country, but a way of being in the world rooted in self discovery and trust. So, but I think the focus primarily, um, authenticity and empathy, and those, yeah, actually the 10 principles that, that I have laid out in the, in the book, uh, is, uh, what characterized Danish parenting, but also how we differ from many other countries.
[00:10:34] Hunter: Yeah, there's more of, that's interesting that you mentioned like the more, that it's more we and, and I guess that makes sense, right? Like if the United, you know, if we're comparing it to the United States, which is the vast majority of the listeners and, and, um, that we have the, you know, with this hyper individualist culture that could kind of lead to, I guess I can really kind of see how just, that's innately that would just lead to more conflict when it's like me versus you, rather than we, right?
And I think that in parenting, there's a lot of like us versus them thinking, you know, even in the um, the way we speak about parenting, choose your battles and, and etc. That kind of thing. I, I seems to be a, a conflict. A real strong underpinning this idea of like we versus this individualist thing. That's interesting.
[00:11:30] Iben Sandahl: Yeah. And Denmark is very, very trusting people. We depend on each other. So we are very much, um, aware of, you know, trust is like the glue that connects us all. Um, And I also think that's, uh, shown in our approach to each other, that we believe in the good in each other and we have to be convinced of the opposite.
[00:12:02] Hunter: Yeah, it's interesting, right, because we have, I know that we have an innate negativity bias, right? All human beings, the human brain. It was much more important for us to fo to remember things that are dangerous and, you know, threats to survival than it is to notice, remember the, the positive things, right?
Like that's more important. So. But, you know, I'd always kind of assumed, I guess, that my, uh, American flavor of a negativity bias was just sort of whatever a human negativity bias is, but it sounds like there's, you're saying, like, that there's, um, In, in the cultural milieu of where you are, like there's just more trust.
That's really interesting.
[00:12:49] Iben Sandahl: Yeah, it's, um, and there's been some studies as well, uh, have shown who would, uh, pick up, uh, a perd, have perd. Uh, and then, uh, return it to the, the owner. Oh, purse. Yeah. Pick up a, like a, a purse. Or In England we'd say a pocketbook. . A pocketbook. Okay. . Um, so, uh, yeah, and our, I think our social system here is also very based on trust, so I think that also applies in parenting.
The trust is a fundamental pillar in and Danish parenting. Um, but that's also what I believe. That's what I convey, of course, uh, that, uh, if, if there's no trust in a family or between parents or parent and children, kind of a negative spirit that starts, uh, so, um, so for me, trust is one of the most important fundamental, fundamental principles that, that we need to focus on.
[00:14:07] Hunter: And I think that is a, a big mindset shift for many American parents. Like one of the, that sometimes are innate, like, uh, you know, uh, innate in that it's conditioned in us, kind of knee jerk responses, you know, he's trying to manipulate me or she's trying to get at me or things like that. We, we have these thoughts about really young kids.
And they may just pop into our head because this is the cultural milieu that we are in, right? This is the water that we are swimming in. And, you know, you can see how that would lead to a spiral of distrust. And you're saying, like, we need to cultivate this trust. Well, I love this.
Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcasts right after this break.
Can you tell us about the Six essential principles that you talk about in the book, so we get a good overview of what it is.
[00:15:11] Iben Sandahl: Yeah, I'd add four more because I just, well, it's not that recent anymore, but, uh, launched the Danish way of raising teens because our children, they grow older. So they become teenagers.
So it's important to implement the principles, being a parent to teenagers as well. So I've add four, but, um, yeah, one is play, paramount for growth and well being. Yeah. And then there's trust, the building block for a happier and more worry free life. And, um, I'm also a big fan of reframing, which helps kids manage their feelings and find the positive in the negative.
And another, uh, principle is empathy, um, which fosters kindness and compassion. And one of the new ones, uh, as well as trust is freedom with responsibility, uh, which is essential, uh, in building autonomy and authenticity, which enables confidence and, and enough strength and, uh, no ultimatums That encourages trust and respect and uniqueness, learning to love and identify the needs.
And formation, how to grow into an educated and insightful human being with sufficient autonomy. And lastly, togetherness, also called hygge, um, that makes strong relationships. Those are the Danish way of parenting principles. All right.
[00:16:54] Hunter: Play, trust, reframing, empathy, freedom with responsibility, authenticity, no ultimatum.
Uniqueness, Formation, and Togetherness. I love this. I love all these principles. The first thing you talk about in the book is play. So why is play so important and can you share some of your tips for creating also a space for play?
[00:17:18] Iben Sandahl: Yeah. Um, yeah, play is crucial because it enables children to explore boundaries, test limits, and develop through interaction with others.
Imparts social groups, cooperation, and the art of compromise, valuable life skills. And moreover, play cultivates resilience, uh, with children unknowingly acquiring essential life skills through their achievements. Um, however, many, uh, what many parents might not realize is that the structured learning from school and adult led activities needs time and space for children to truly internalize and apply, um, it practically in life.
It's not just about knowing the right answers. We want our kids to use what they've learned better. Effectively. And that's why allowing them to have ample time for unstructured free play is so vital. And especially in this world where there's too much in our children's lives.
[00:18:41] Hunter: Yeah. Yeah. And we know from so many people that unstructured free play, which is what you're talking about when you meant just say play, right?
Yeah. A non adult led play is. is kind of under attack. It's, it's being whittled away. It's being very much worn away here by, like, heavy schedules full of activities, unstructured activities. There's barely any kids out in the neighborhoods, you know, on after school. Like, if, even if, You know, you have your, you're like, I want my kids to play freely, go out and play on the playground down the street.
There's no other kids there. It's really, um, it really is under attack. Is it in the same way in Denmark?
[00:19:28] Iben Sandahl: Yeah. I don't think that Denmark differ that much from other countries conscious, um, of course, there is a huge awareness of, um, free place importance in children's life here, because it's so ingrained in our educational system as well.
But, um, many children, when they leave school or kindergarten and come home, They want to hide behind the screen somehow. And I mean, we can't as well. Yeah, it's more comfortable. And sometimes it's also more easy for us as young as, because we have some chores to do and, uh, there's a moment of peace when they are just on their tablets.
And, uh, so, you know, I mean, we have a responsibility ourselves and so, and they are so addicted as well. And there's so many, uh, Things that give us a kick in our brains. So I really get it that it's a tough thing to crack, but, um, I'm also very worried because I see children have a more difficult to connecting with people, uh, face to face.
Um, and because they are using so much time on screens. They are not out physically together with, um, on playmate, play dates, uh, when they're getting older, teenagers, uh, doing things together because it's so easy to just have, uh, online friends, um, so they're missing, uh, all the learning opportunities and, uh, all the social, um, quotes.
because you don't get them when you are, are behind the screen. You have to be out there and be together with, uh, other people physically. Yeah. And that makes that, uh, some people, uh, some children and, and adolescents, they kind of withdraw, uh, even more and get more insecure more. Uh, Anxious and, and then it's even more difficult to reach out to someone and ask if, if we should play.
[00:21:51] Hunter: It's like a, it's a negative spiral. I, I'm definitely seeing that in adolescents here, but you said in Denmark that they support it in the school system, free play. And you were talking about sort of like, How it kind of gives kids like this time and space to metabolize whatever they're learning in all these different places, right?
Like they do that through play, but how do they support it? How do you, how do they support it in the school system there?
[00:22:17] Iben Sandahl: I mean, uh, in, um, in breaks, uh, older students, they are encouraged to play with younger students and help them, you know, do physical activities. Uh, play, of course, it's kind of structured, but the initiative, uh, some play in school year.
And, um, there's also an awareness of, um, differentiate, um, the, uh, way you teach as a teacher. So it's not only, um, academics all the time and, uh, teacher speaking, but it's also, uh, more creative ways to. Meet different learning styles. Hmm. Um, and then, uh, most schools they also encourage parents to create, uh, play groups after school where, um, they invite children, uh, home for playing freely and eating and then that's it.
And that happens, uh, at least once a month goes around. So that's a lot of focus on. How to encourage more play, and also, of course, in kindergarten, it's more ingrained in the pedagogical field. Yeah. It's part of the learning. Play based
[00:23:44] Hunter: learning. And I don't know if it's Denmark, but I remember reading about, um, um, I'm, we tend to confuse our Scandinavian countries over here, so I apologize if that's what I'm doing, but, um, but that there's like no homework, the school for a long time, for until kids are older and that the school day is shorter.
Where it starts later. That was somewhere. I can't remember what it was, but
[00:24:08] Iben Sandahl: is
[00:24:08] Hunter: that, is
[00:24:09] Iben Sandahl: that Denmark? It could be Denmark. Yeah, I mean, you start school when you are the year where you begin, where you, where you get seven years old. So actually you start when you're six, because you're starting like zero class at first, uh, like one year between kindergarten and school.
So you have one year in between. It's partly. Play and it partly, um, teaching. Um, but um, yeah, it's true that in the smaller classes you don't really get that much, uh, homework. But here as to, well, it has increased, uh, because there's been so much focus on the academics and test and so on. But it's, um, I know that every, every place here, they want to make sure that.
Um, it's not too much because I think everybody knows that children today, uh, they have a lot more on their plate than when I was a child, for example. So try to, to give less homework in the smaller classes. And when you reach fifth or sixth class, uh, you around 11 and 12 years old, you, you start to gain more of that much more than eventually you have a lot.
[00:25:35] Hunter: Well, tell us about no ultimatums. I think this is really interesting because, you know, of course here in the U. S. and in many places around the world, parents use threats and ultimatums to get their children to do things. So why don't the Danes use them and what can we
[00:25:50] Iben Sandahl: do
[00:25:51] Hunter: instead?
[00:25:53] Iben Sandahl: Uh, well in, in Denmark, we generally avoid using Wilsomadesomes and threads, uh, in parenting.
And this is a, it is deeply rooted in our communication approach. While there may be, uh, exceptions, um, the concept of Wilsomadesomes Um, it's not a common practice here. Um, we view children as equals. Um, even though we are as parents, we bear the responsibility, but we are very much at eye level. Um, and consequently we communicate with our children as we would with any other human being.
Um, so instead of resourcing to ultimatums. Danish parents believe in involving their children in practical decisions that, uh, affect them, uh, while still maintaining the overall framework would take the time to explain the reasons behind our requests, whether it's, um, the need to hurry in the morning, or, um, the importance of not playing football indoors.
So by offering this understanding, children can make informed decisions. And act accordingly. And while this approach may appear, um, to take more time initially, um, it helps avoid significant conflicts and exhausting dramas that often accompany ultimatums and a thing with ultimatums is that when your child doesn't listen to your ultimatum, what is the next step?
I mean, how many times can you just throw an ultimatum? So it's kind of, it's kind of a threat and you lose slowly respect. Um, and you don't follow through. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, and And what, what is the teaching for your, your children? That the strongest one wins, I guess. Right? Is that, that's the idea. Yeah.
And we don't believe that. I know, of course we are, but it's not a power struggle. I mean, we cooperate. We want to find solutions together. We want to, to respect each other. We want to make. Uh, all family members understand why we are doing this we do. Mm.
[00:28:22] Hunter: Mm hmm. Yeah. That makes so much sense. So, you know, I teach Mindful Parenting and I teach a win win conflict resolution style that you know, where everyone can get their needs met and how you can kind of go through a process to do that.
And like, it's similar to what you're describing where, you know, you're teaching your child how to, from the very beginning, how to communicate with others and make sure everyone gets their needs met, rather than teaching them that the strongest one wins, right? Because then you're either the winner or the loser, and, and, and You know, it just never, you know, rather like, let's think about how we can all get our needs met and make so much more sense for someone who's going to be in a workplace in the future to be having that mindset about how to resolve any conflicts.
[00:29:09] Iben Sandahl: Exactly. That was what I wanted to add. It's the same way of just preparing them for being adults, living in this crazy world and having a job. I mean, you can't just have a battle who wins. When you have a co worker, I mean, you have to talk together. You have to explain or you have to cooperate. So, uh, and that's just what we are teaching at home.
[00:29:33] Hunter: And I'd love for you to, like, maybe, if you have it, any examples of how this works, because I think a lot of American parents don't trust that if I don't give threats and ultimatums and follow through on them, then my child won't respect me. That's a common fear that people have, is that my child won't respect me and they won't listen to me unless I use this kind of, or have this kind of, uh, Use this kind of power. So what would you say to that, you know, worry?
[00:30:03] Iben Sandahl: Yeah, that's interesting because I'm never thrown an ultimatum. I never really done that. And it's, it's so strange for me to listen to because for me, I give respect and I receive respect and respect is something equal. Um, otherwise the, um, you have to. Um, think that you are more and you already deserve, um, I don't know, respect, um, yeah.
And example, um,
[00:30:46] Hunter: For the listener, do listen, Iben's face is so perplexed right now. It's really, it's really so lovely to see though. I think it's so interesting that you're like, Oh, what an interesting mindset. And it's hard to understand from your point of view. I think that's fascinating. Yeah.
[00:31:02] Iben Sandahl: No, it's just because from me.
You know, ultimatums, and if you don't do as I say, I don't love you, or I would, I would only feel, would feel so wrong or insecure as a child, or, because very, very often we have to remember that when our children, they don't cooperate, it's because they don't really understand what we expect of them. So, so we have this adult mindset.
And when we are that way, whatever we say comes from. So sometimes we forget to, to explain them the reasons to why we want this from them. Small children, they don't understand all these things either. So they act, I think that there's a lot of fear involved in, you know, ultimatums. If my child doesn't do what I want her to do, um, I know that I have a responsibility in making her understand what I expect of her.
Sometimes I have to, if it's, if when my, when my children were younger or very small, I had to like be very simple in my explanations and kind of pre frame. So now we're going to do this. And this, and this, um, and I expect you to help me because again, um, it's more inviting that we cooperate. Can you help me with this instead of do this, do that?
And you don't really know why it's so important. Um, so I just think that a tip could be that really try to, um, think about when you throw an ultimatum, um, to a child to just, just, um, reflect on, have I explained what to do? Um, probably, or, um, are they missing anything? Can I help you understand better? I would ask that instead, how can I help you understand what I'm asking you to do?
Because I get a sense that you don't understand it right now, because you're not doing what I'm telling, so I think I take a responsibility. It's not you who are wrong, but I want to help you understand how you can do this now. Maybe you, you don't know how to, uh, clean your room, uh, but I will show you then.
Maybe I haven't been, uh, through only explaining it to you. You know, I really want to, instead to. Own my responsibility in how I communicate with my children to make them understand.
[00:34:19] Hunter: Stay tuned for more Mindful Mama podcast right after this break.
[00:34:27] Iben Sandahl: All children want to cooperate. They really want to make us happy. All of them want to make us happy. There's nothing they actually want more because they are so dependent on our love. So, so it's not nice for anyone, but, but of course, if we have thrown ultimatums after ultimatums and there's been no consequences.
Either then we might be angry or disappointed, then we start feeling that we are not good enough. You know, so we start to create some identity conclusions about ourself. That was a long explanation. I don't know. No, no, no.
[00:35:03] Hunter: That's, yeah, it was great. I mean, I think that the listener may understand themselves more in that.
A little bit. I think that's really helpful to kind of dive into deeper because I think that's one of the places where there's a real difference in sort of the root understanding of of how we are approaching children. Um, I also, one of the things that struck me as different is in the chapter on reframing.
And I really appreciated that you had this rewrite the negative narrative, I, exercise, an exercise on rewriting the negative narrative we might have of our children. And I was wondering if you could tell us about that.
[00:35:45] Iben Sandahl: Yeah. In the chapter on reframing, I address the common tendency among many parents to focus on what our, or their children are doing wrong or where they fall short.
Um, and often these negative comments creeps into our children, um, shaping their self perception in a subtle but significant ways. So we might not think about it, but they begin to internalize beliefs that they are not smart, and talented enough, or beautiful as they are, or not lovable, and so on. So when working with children, I empathize the importance of rewriting their concluded negative narrative.
We all have them. So, and those we have given them unconsciously, of course, I mean, no, no one wants to do that consciously, um, but I encourage them to reflect on moments when they've displayed bravery, imagination, love, or acts as good friends. So, by celebrating these positive qualities and experiences. I help broaden their self perception and this process expands to their self identity beyond self doubt and criticism and offering a more loving and empowering perspective.
And that we can do as parents as well. And that we have to be aware of because words matter and And I mean, it's so easy to be critical and seeing the flaws because it kind of remind us of something within ourselves. So we really have to take ownership of our own rules, uh, because we are passing them on to our children and then be much more aware of the words we use and how we, we tell about our children when they are listening, but also, uh, how we talk to them.
[00:38:02] Hunter: Yeah, I, I thought that was such a, I think that's such a powerful way of looking at it, and it is kind of addressing that, that negativity. I think, you know, of course, first we have to have the awareness of it, um, and, but, you know, I love this idea of saying, Looking at the limiting stories maybe that we have our heads, like, she's too sensitive, she's so messy, and all these different things and saying, saying, well, okay, actually like what, what are the things that I can't, and noticing we're focusing on these, right?
And then how might, how might you, you know, if you notice like, or if you had a parent who you're noticing all the, you know, My child is so messy, my child is so rude, but how would you encourage them to reframe these things?
[00:38:53] Iben Sandahl: I would first of all, uh, start with how I speak to my children, because if my child is saying, I'm so messy, I'm whatever negative, um, idea they can have of themselves, I would know that they have gotten it from somewhere.
And started to believe in it. So I would change that to begin with how I approach my children. And then I would say, Hey, hey, hey, what did you say? Did you say that you're messy? Yeah, I'm always, why? Um, because I do this and this. Yeah. Do you do other things? I mean, are you always messy? Um, can you come up with another example?
Tell me, I'm curious when you haven't been messy, where you did something else. And they always can do that. And I was like, yeah, I remember that. Okay. So, and maybe another example as well. So if you're messy, but you're also something else, what is the opposite? What is it, what you also can call yourself than solely messy?
[00:40:14] Iben Sandahl: I'm, I'm good at, finding solutions, uh, I'm good at, uh, you know, smiling at people, uh, whatever. And it's like, Mm, I like that. I like that. And you make me feel like really, really good, right? I was so proud of you, you know, so that it's so, and, and it's, it's not more different than when we water a flower, you know, it's the same.
What do we focus on? We get more of, and what do we, yeah. And so if we focus on all the negative, that will grow. I've seen it so many times. It's more our own insecurities that makes us, and if we're stressed out and all what, I mean, life, uh, we are more short, um, headed and, uh, tend to be more, uh. Irritated when our children don't act as children.
Um, so, um, so we can definitely help them to create new storylines about themselves, more positive, more, more empowering, more kind, more compassionate towards themselves. I mean, it's a tough world. So, and it's all children need a place to feel safe and heard and loved. And, uh, this is not the case for all, but we can at least try to make home this safe space where they don't have to have their guards up and be aware and exceed in everything, but just help them to be who they are and to empathize the beauty we see in them.
And the small, tiny things they do, um, That seems just innocent or almost invisible for the eye to see, but those are the small moments that we have to hold on to and share with them. Like I, I saw you stroke your little brother today. And I really, I really felt, wow, I'm, I'm, I love you so much. So kind you are, you know, that's nice. Yeah.
[00:42:45] Hunter: What are those flowers? That's such a beautiful way to end. And of course the Danish way of parenting, um, even book ends with the, the hygge, I'm pronouncing badly, both, and just talking about that togetherness and you have this Agreements to leave our drama at the door. Agreements to look for ways to help out, so no one gets stuck doing all the work.
Candles if we're inside. Tell and retell funny, lovely, and uplifting stories about one another from the past. Um, Not compete, think we, not me, play, play games that the whole group can, can participate in and just make a conscious effort to feel gratitude for the people around us who love us. So there's so much here.
I, I really appreciate, um, you know, what you've put into, into words with your book. And I really appreciate the time you've taken to sort of talk to us here. If people are wanting to learn more about it and continue the conversation more, where can they find you? Um,
[00:43:57] Iben Sandahl: I think the easiest way is my website, IdenSunday.
com or Instagram, the Danish way. Um, yeah, and yeah, my books is out in all stores in 32 languages, and, um, I also have a new app, Parenting by Eden Sondheim, where all 10 principles is, um, to be found there with a lot of, um, Examples and stories, and you can ask my question there as well. Um, yeah, that's why you can find me even.
[00:44:34] Hunter: This has been a pleasure. I've really, really enjoyed talking to you. I really enjoyed the Danish shave parenting. I think I, I find so much I can relate to there. I think it's, there's so much wisdom there. It's such a gem. So I thank you so much for taking the time to come on the Mindful Parenting Podcast and thank you for the work you do.
[00:44:52] Iben Sandahl: Thank you so much. And thank you for whatever, not whatever, I know what you do. for all you're doing. You're also doing a great job. And I think we have so many similarities in common. So, um, it's been a pleasure and thank you for inviting me.
[00:45:14] Hunter: Hey, I hope you loved this episode as much as I did. What a pleasure to talk to Even. Really, really loved it. If you got some value about it, please. Tell one friend about this episode today and have a conversation about it. That's always a great thing to do. I love how Ibn was like so, you know, that part about ultimatums, how it was just like the perplexity.
It's so interesting, isn't it? Yes, I think this is a great Mind shifting kind of conversation, I hope. So thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. You know, it's spring here, we got things popping out of the ground, flowers are blooming. Sometimes these things, like, you know, we put, I'm like a bulb. I have, I live basically in a small forest, right?
Like I've got like, we got like quarter acre, and it's like, like many trees, like 40 plus trees. And so I don't have a lot of sun in the summer, so I can't grow flowers that depend on the sun. But, so I plant bulbs and I put them in the soil in the fall, I've got, you know, crocuses and daffodils and things like that.
Of course, she'd loving flowers, but I put them in the ground in the fall. And then you have to just wait. You have to just make sure they have good soil and water. And you sit there and you just wait and wait and wait and wait, wait. And you're like, there's something under the ground that's going to bloom.
You know, you have to trust and know that it's there. And I think this is the same way with a lot of these mindsets as we shift and change from something that's different from what happened with our own family. Um, and then may, you know, we may have a partner who says, Oh, this. Mindful Parenting or Peaceful Parenting stuff isn't working, whatever.
You have to kind of know, like, I've planted this bulb and it's, there's such value in it and it's going to bloom. So now all the flowers are blooming here. I hope they are for you too, and I'm wishing you peace and joy and all ease. I hope you have some time to chill and read a novel. I hope that you are valuing yourself to know that you deserve to have time to chill and read a novel, even in the midst of a busy life.
And that is a wonderful thing to model to your kids that you value your, your ease and your peace. And the more ease and peace you have, the better parent you're going to be, I promise. So wishing you all that this week. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening. I can't wait to see you again next week.
Namaste.
I'd say definitely do it. It's really helpful. It will change your relationship with your kids for the better. It will help you communicate better. And just, I'd say communicate better as a person, as a wife, as a spouse. It's been really a positive influence in our lives, so definitely do it. I'd say definitely do it.
It's so worth it. The money really is inconsequential when you get so much benefit from being a better parent to your children and feeling like you're connecting more with them and not having to worry. If you're feeling like you're yelling all the time, or you're like, why isn't this working? I would say definitely do it.
It's so, so worth it. It'll change you. No matter what age someone's child is, it's a great opportunity for personal growth, and it's a great investment in someone's family. I'm very thankful I have this. You can continue in your old habits that aren't working, or you can learn some new tools and gain some perspective to shift everything in your parenting.
Are you frustrated by parenting? Do you listen to the experts and try all the tips and strategies, but you're just not seeing the results that you want? Or are you lost as to where to start? Does it all seem so overwhelming with too much to learn? Are you yearning for community people who get it, who also don't want to threaten and punish to create cooperation?
Hi, I'm Hunter Clark Fields, and if you answered yes to any of these questions, I want you to seriously consider the Mindful Parenting Membership. You will be joining Hundreds of members who have discovered the path of mindful parenting and now have confidence and clarity in their parenting. This isn't just another parenting class.
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com to add your name to the waitlist so you will be the first to be notified when I open the membership for enrollment. I look forward to seeing you on the inside. MindfulParentingCourse.com.
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