Q&A Episode #2: A Defiant 4-Year Old
Rebecca
In this episode, we tackle a relatable parenting challenge: how to respond when a 4-year-old defies boundaries and creates conflict with an older sibling. We explore practical strategies for handling these moments with empathy, including modeling kind responses, setting clear expectations, and using positive reinforcement. Learn how to foster cooperation, teach problem-solving, and create a calmer, more connected family dynamic.
Q&A #2: Defiant 4 Year Old
Read the Transcript 🡮
*This is an auto-generated transcript*
[00:00:00] Hunter: You're listening to The Mindful Mama Podcast, Q& A episode number two. Today's episode is about what to do about a very defiant four year old.
Welcome to The Mindful Mama Podcast. Here, it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent. At Mindful Mama, we know that you cannot give what you do not have. And when you have calm and peace within, then you can give it to your children. I'm your host, Hunter Clarke-Fields. I help smart, thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong, connected relationships with their children.
I've been practicing mindfulness for over 25 years. I'm the creator of the Mindful Parenting course and teacher training, and I'm the author of the international bestseller “Raising Good Humans”, “Raising Good Humans Every Day”, and the “Raising Good Humans Guided Journal”.
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[00:02:54] Rebecca: Hi, Hunter. So excited to be able to leave you a voicemail question. This is so cool. Anywho, I have a seven year old and a four year old, um, two boys, and I'm curious about how to respond when the. Four year old is very defiant, especially with the seven year old, for example, last night, the seven year old asked the four year old if he could pass the cheese grater and the four year old just simply said no and took the cheese grater and started to run away and to hide.
And I'm curious about what I can do. Um, I'm trying to support problem solving. And, um, I know that that is always a difficult thing, um, with young kids to get them to figure out how to solve this problem on their own. So maybe I need to step in and help with some, uh, verbiage for the seven year old so that he can try to navigate problem solving this situation, but then also not let the four year old get away with this behavior, which is really unkind and not appropriate either, um, but I don't want to just grab the cheese grater from the four year old because that's not showing them that, that this is a positive way to, to deal with a situation.
So I'd love your take on how to handle this. Thank you.
[00:04:28] Hunter: Hey, Rebecca, thanks for your question. That sounds like a very frustrating situation, and four and seven is a super high energy age, and a four year old has a lot of development to do, and they're so, so young still, so I can imagine this is a very frustrating situation.
Okay, so you said your four year old is very defiant. You want to know how to respond with a situation like the cheese grater situation. And I hear that you want to support problem solving. Do you step in or in? You don't want to let the four year old get away with it. Okay. So I think in this situation that it's actually better for you or another adult to step in and handle it so that you can model for your seven year old what like a kind, empathetic response is, um, especially since you're all around the dinner table.
It's not really, you know, your seven year old. job to police's little brother's behavior. So I think this is a great place to step in. And I guess what I might encourage you to do first, like you want to lower the drama in the situation, right? And just teach them what is a good thing to do. So first, I might just quickly empathize with your seven year old.
Oh boy, that's frustrating, huh? And say, you know, I'll handle it or whatever. And then a few ideas just to think about before we go into how to handle it. You want to think about that your four year old just needs to, is like, sometimes I think of our little kids, um, our preschoolers, are like little Neanderthals.
Not that I'm calling your four year old a Neanderthal, but in general, because they're just Their prefrontal cortex is so far from developed, they're basically almost infants, but they have so much physical ability. So we, we, our job is to kind of teach them and tame them in a certain way and socialize them to how to get along with other people.
So. That said, we just want to make sure we always approach him with a gentle hand, no matter what. We're going to set some expectations. We're not going to shout. You're going to try to be really consistent and show both of them that you understand what's going on, but hold some boundaries and help them work through this.
So, Empathize with a seven year old, and this is reflective listening. He has a problem in this situation, so you, in order to just help him downregulate his emotions, he might get upset, right? Boy, that's frustrating. You know, something like that. And then go to the four year old. And at this stage, you know, kids are still learning.
They're still learning about sharing and personal boundaries. So we're not going to assume his actions are malicious, but simply a result of his not fully developed brain. Not fully understanding, you know, the rules and maybe just trying to get out his brother a little bit, but you know, this is not a big deal.
This is just something very minor. So you're going to go to him. And I guess I would encourage you to just be descriptive first. You stole the cheese grater when your brother wanted it and you might listen and hear what he has to say. And then here, you want to set an expectation. Honey, we want to help each other at the table.
We're going to return this. And so use your gentle hands, help him to take the cheese grater back, bring it back to the table, and encourage him to apologize. Maybe, you know, as you go there and you say, um, boy, you know, you just reflect to him what was happening. You took the cheese grater instead of giving it to your brother.
He might come out and say, yeah, because he did blah, blah, blah, blah, blah later. Earlier, right? He might come out with some story that then you can kind of empathize with. Okay. And that'll help you to have more understanding of what the fullness of the situation is. So it may be that he has some things to say.
It may be that he's just being a little imp for whatever reason in that situation, but I would encourage you to go there, crouch down, get at his level. Don't be threatening. Don't yell. Don't be dramatic. Just, Oh, you did this. That's like, kind of like with the attitude of like, that's weird, buddy. And then you're going to encourage him and have him return the grater to the table, you know, to his brother.
You're going to encourage him to apologize. And if he's not ready, Don't force him to apologize to your 7 year old, but you can apologize to your 7 year old for him. You know, you might say, um, yeah, I'm sure 4 year old is sorry for taking this. Of course, we want to help each other at the table. And then at the table, set those clear expectations.
Talk about the importance of helping each other. discuss how that makes everyone feel happier at the table when we help each other and support each other. And there may even be a natural consequence of this behavior is that you may not want to have items like the cheese grater or whatever around him for a little while until he gets out of this stage.
And then finally, I guess I would encourage you to, um, when you start to see him doing things like, um, like sharing, um, objects with his big brother, really find any moment to praise him in positive reinforcement kind of way. If he asked nicely to borrow something or, you know, whatever, just really find, seek out those moments, look for them, like, uh, just really search for them and positively reinforce him anytime you see him doing something nice for his brother.
So for you, this requires that you are calm and grounded, that you hopefully don't get triggered by this behavior. You know, I think with a four year old, you know, especially if they're going to a preschool or whatever, they're holding it together all day long and then they come home and they just can't anymore.
So we just kind of have to expect this kind of thing. Find the moments where everything's going smoothly as the, oh, isn't this wonderful unexpected moment, right? We have to expect that this is going to happen and I encourage your attitude just to expect the misbehavior expect the frustratingness and your job above all Before you do anything, I just said is to help yourself just be grounded to not take it too seriously, you might need to just like pause and take a breath in, take a breath out before you do any of those things and say to yourself something like this is You know, not an emergency.
I'm just helping my child, right? And you're just helping him learn how to get along better in the family in a gentle, understanding way. And the natural consequences are maybe that he doesn't get the greater around, but really it's more about what does he need to learn, right? He needs to learn that it's not cool to do that, that we want to help each other, that it feels good to help each other.
And, um, that we apologize if we do something wrong, right? And so you can do that for him. Okay, I hope this helps, Rebecca. Thank you so much for submitting your question, and good luck with 7 and 4. It's so funny, you know, now that my daughters are older, I would like, love, I mean, I would just like, die to go back to a day when they're 7 and 4, but when they were 7 and 4, I would have been so thrilled to have a day when they are 17 and 14 to, uh, to get a break from it.
So just make sure you're taking care of yourself and remember that your, you know, your calm and peace is really the most important thing for you to be able to handle all these situations and to be able to. be present with them and give them any calm and peace. So, um, so take care of you. Thank you so much for listening and, um, and I'll talk to you again soon.
I hope you enjoyed this Q& A episode. Do you agree with my answer? If so, let me know on Facebook and Instagram. I'm at mindfulmamamentor. Or if you felt like this was helpful, just please share it with one friend today. That would be great. Um, you can leave me a voicemail with your question, with your mindfulness or parenting question, and I'll answer your message here on the podcast.
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